introspectivetransguy

[introspectivetransguy]

As difficult this year has been, I am taking the time to appreciate what I do have and the people who do care about me and also show me that they care.

My birthday was especially hard this year. My insecurities and tense energy with my partner made the morning hard. I got a text from my mom at 10:30am that said happy birthday and the same from my dad at 5:30pm. It was more than I was expecting, but it still didn't feel good. I don't have a relationship with them anymore... and it's incredibly sad.

But it ended well with an amazing celebration at north in Providence with my twin, my partner, and our friend. These people have been such an important part of my life. They think about me. They listen to me. They make me laugh. They support me. They improve my life. I am extremely grateful. I would not be where I am without them. I have had a lot of people treat me poorly, not value me, or not respect my boundaries (if I set them). So having this stability and level of support when I need it most has been very helpful.

I also just bought a house with my partner. We closed July 30th and we are currently trying to get it lightly remodeled and clean enough to live in by the end of August. This housing stability is also something pretty different for me. I've been homeless. I spent many years living with people (on couches, spare rooms, etc.) when I had no money to offer. I've been locked out of my parents house as a college student. Finding/keeping housing has always been a major stressor for me. Now I don't have to worry about that anymore. I just have to pay my half of the mortgage and I have a permanent home. And I can do that now that I have some income from social security.

I have so much appreciation for these positive aspects of and changes in my life. I don't feel like I would be able to be doing trauma work in therapy right now if I didn't have this stability and support. It's been really difficult with the support. I can't imagine without. Maybe that's why I've avoided remembering and accepting my traumas for most of my life?

To end on another good note, on our second day cleaning and stuff, my partner and I saw a ladybug on the door frame at our new home. Hopefully that's a good sign.

#appreciation #chosen family #love #support #newhome

[introspectivetransguy]

Being Trans and a Student Athlete 20 Years Ago

I was 20 years old and a full time college student athlete in 2000. This is when I first became aware of transgender people. My friend came out to me as a female to male transgender man. I had no idea what that meant so I did a lot of research. I even attended a transmasculine conference called “True Spirit” to learn more. The internet was just becoming a place to learn of other people's stories and meet people in chat rooms and on new “social media” sites like Live Journal. I quickly realized that what I had felt my entire life was very similar to the trans men I was talking to and reading about. After about a year of exploring and educating myself, I decided to come out.

I played on the women's softball team at my college. I started my freshman year and played on the team for 3 years. I was terrified, but I knew I needed to tell my coach and teammates that I was transgender. I was not planning on starting testosterone in the near future and wanted to continue playing softball. But I knew I had to tell them since I was coming out all over campus. So I asked to meet privately with my coaches. I first asked if they knew what transgender meant. They did, so it was easier for me to tell them that I was a boy. They then asked if I still wanted to play ball. I said yes, but that I didn't know how the team would feel about that. My coach told me that she believed that the rest of the team would be uncomfortable with me in the locker room and that it would be even more difficult in the away teams' locker rooms. Feeling defeated, I agreed to quit the team just prior to my senior year.

In 2001, the state of Rhode Island added gender identity and expression to their anti-discrimination laws. So I was in my every right to claim discrimination from my college. But, it wasn't something I even thought of or would have wanted to do to my coaches. If this happened in 2021, there is no doubt that I would have brought legal action. But, 20 years later, would the coaches have had a different reaction to my coming out? Would I have been able to play softball AND come out as trans? Part of me wishes I played my senior year and waited another year to come out. But at the time I needed to come out. I needed to be my authentic self. I felt that my mental health was more important than playing a sport I had loved since I could remember. But I can also remember that I always “wanted to be a boy.” And “being a boy” was essential to me feeling more comfortable in myself socially and physically.

When I decided to quit softball, I was hurt. Badly. I missed my softball friends. I missed going out on the diamond and fielding ground balls. I felt that my old teammates and coaches hated me for coming out and thought there was something wrong with me. Of course I was assuming this and never actually asked them if it was true. The only fact I had was that the head coach told me it would be very difficult for me to stay on the team. But I took that as a rejection and assumed the rest of the team rejected me as well. I coped with the feelings of rejection with strong feelings of acceptance from the LGBTQ club and my on campus job. But nothing really took the place of the feeling being a part of a sports team gave me.

Our student athletes deserve a space to play the sports they love no matter what gender they are. Things have changed for the better in the last 20 years, but not enough. There are still too many trans athletes being pushed away from participating in sports. The different bills being proposed and passed that discriminate against these athletes because of ignorance is growing. If you don't want your cisgender daughter to compete with trans girls because you think they have an "unfair advantage," then we need to come up with an acceptable and validating way to include all people in sports. Because it's not right or fair to exclude any person who wants to play a sport. We all deserve to be part of a team, to compete, and to be accepted as ourselves while doing so, especially our youth.

#transgender #trans #transathletes #studentathletes #transstudentathletes #sports #youthsports #collegesports #comingout

[introspectivetransguy]

I have been struggling with my mental health lately. This pic was taken shortly after a long crying spell. There is a lot on my mind. So many losses and stressors. Everyone has been experiencing the anxiety that this pandemic has caused us over the last 15 months. I am no exception. I get my second vaccine shot on Sunday. My partner and twin are already fully vaccinated. There is some relief that things may be getting to a point where we can start doing some "normal" things. It would be wonderful if we get to have a Pride this June.

Over the last 9 months, I have had to cope and grieve the death of my uncle/godfather, my best friend, and another friend. Cancer took my Uncle Tom. He was such a kind and gentle soul. He really made family functions more comfortable. He always wanted to know how I was doing and what I was up to. And he listened. I miss that.

I lost my best friend from California the day after Christmas to an overdose. No one knows if it was accidental or not. But I don't believe he would have taken anything with fentanyl in it if he wasn't suicidal. When I found out, I dissociated on and off for a few days. I was very sad, angry, and suicidal. It was quite a shock... and I have still not fully accepted that he is gone.

A few weeks ago I found out another trans male friend of mine killed himself. He had been struggling mentally for a long time. We knew each other when we both were at the beginning of our transitions 15+ years ago. It's hard to see 2 trans guys, around my age, and on opposite sides of the country kill themselves. It has been very difficult just trying to process it.

Along with the deaths, I have also been trying to cope with the loss of a close friendship with a friend I had for 20+ years. We met in college. We were more of acquaintances and hung out with the same group of people. But we got closer in our 30's and she became one of my closest friends. When my partner and I moved back to RI, we began renting a house from her father on a month to month basis. She is technically a roommate and all her stuff is here, even though she lives at her parents. Over the last year and a half, her substance abuse has increasing made living in this house difficult. About 6 months ago we agreed that she wouldn't drink alcohol here anymore. I also tried to set some other boundaries a month ago and a huge fight ensued. I thought it was settled, but then a few days later she sent me a very hurtful email. She targeted everything she thought would trigger me. And she was right. I ended up hurting myself so bad that I gave myself a concussion. I decided I wasn't ready to talk to her and she got her father to not renew our lease. Now we have to move by the end of the month. Luckily we found housing, but it was very stressful. And losing another close friend, when I don't have many, makes me very sad and like there's something wrong with me.

Another major loss I am dealing with is the relationship I had hoped I would have with my parents. My entire life I have wanted to please my parents, make them proud of me, and make them accept me. I grew up as a highly sensitive child. My parents didn't understand or know how to cope with that. I was often told I was too sensitive and to not feel the way I did. I was almost always told that there was no reason to be anxious and to stop. I had problems talking in public, at school, etc. I got angry and overwhelmed often. I would bang my head against the wall whenever that happened. My parents never told my pediatrician or took me to see a therapist. Their response to my self harm was to punish me. I was invalidated often. This past year, I have tried to talk to my parents about some of their hateful and hurtful posts on Facebook and got ignored. Every interaction I have with them makes me feel unloved and unworthy. Even when they say they love me. I know they do, but they rarely show it. I have decided that it's in my best interest to limit my interaction with them. They do that already. They never call and rarely text me. On Mother's Day I sent my Mom a Bitmoji text of me hanging out a bouquet of flowers saying Happy Mother's Day. I want to show her that I love her, but I'm not going to put all my energy into a toxic relationship anymore. It hurts too much. It's a painful situation. I know it's hard for her too. But I have to do what's healthy for me.

Earlier this year I also began working a lot on my trauma history in individual therapy. I talk a lot about my relationship with my parents, as well as a couple of sexual assaults I have experienced. Other traumatic events include seeing blood and dead bodies after a motorcycle accident and then a car accident in front of my childhood home. I have also been in quite a few car accidents and a motorcycle accident myself.

Due to all the stressors and my past traumas, my depression and anxiety has gotten really bad. It's been a long time since I've felt this bad. My therapist referred me to a partial hospitalization program because I am suicidal and self harming. I was close to having to go inpatient, but I feel like I have to stay alive for my partner and twin. So, I had an evaluation/diagnostic interview done at the hospital and started the program. It is exhausting work. But I'm doing it. The psychiatrist talked to me about the diagnoses she thinks I struggle with. Primary diagnosis is PTSD. Other diagnoses include Bipolar Disorder, Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, Social Anxiety Disorder, Agoraphobia, Generalized Anxiety Disorder, and some kind of personality disorder (likely Avoidant and/or Borderline). I don't have to agree with all the diagnoses, I just have to do the work in the program. I am on the BEAR track developed for people struggling with "borderline personality disorder symptoms." I like the therapist and psychiatrist I see every day. It's Monday through Friday 8am-1:30pm. I'm starting to feel less reactive and being more aware of my "rabbit hole" thinking where I keep spiraling from one shitty thing to the next. I hope this program gets me back on track. I was doing really well coping with my mental illnesses with using DBT (dialectical behavior therapy) skills and with the support I had. Then one awful thing after another happened and my mental health declined. I don't want to accept that these things have happened, but I can't move forward until I do.

#mentalhealth #PTSD #bipolardisorder #ocd #socialanxietydisorder #agoraphobia #generalizedanxietydisorder #avoidantpersonalitydisorder #avpd #borderlinepersonalitydisorder #bpd #partialhospitalization #trauma #suicide #acceptance #selfharm

[introspectivetransguy]

This is my partner, Marn. He is also a trans man. In June, we will have been together for 6 years (my longest relationship). He is another huge support for me. We met when I was living in Fresno, CA. We both were involved in the transgender non profit organization there. We hung out a few times with other people. Then we hung out alone and things evolved quickly and we became a couple. I didn't want to be in a relationship at the time. I didn't think I deserved it or was worthy of someone else's love. Marn convinced me that I was worthy and that he loved me. I was homeless at the time and he invited me to move in with him shortly after we made our relationship official. Marn is helping me with his support, compassion, and love. He does things for me that are too difficult physically or emotionally. But he also encourages me to do things I am nervous about. When I was very depressed in Fresno and missing my twin, Marn paid for me to move back to RI to be with them. After a few months in RI without Marn, I flew back to CA and Marn and I drove over 3000 miles with the dog and 2 cats to move to RI. Marn uprooted himself from the only place he knew to come with me to be closer to my family. Later I found out that Marn was very concerned that I would kill myself since I was listening to Linkin Park on repeat for weeks. He did everything he could to make me happier. He still does everything possible to make me feel loved and appreciated. I couldn't navigate the world alone and I am happy to have a partner I can rely on to help me and support me throughout my life. I am truly grateful for Marn. I appreciate everything he does for me. Our relationship isn't perfect. We have a lot of communication issues. But we are in therapy and learning to improve our relationship and work on the issues we do have. Due to past abusive and/or neglectful relationships in both of ours lives, we have a difficult time sometimes. But we are working through it together and our relationship is growing stronger. We are even in the process of getting approved for a mortgage. We are buying a house! Technically, Marn is only a friend. We are not married purposefully. I am on SSI and Marn works for Amazon. If I were to marry Marn, his income would make my social security payments decrease significantly. Right now we only make enough to pay our bills. If my income decreased, we wouldn't be able to survive. If I were alone and had to survive on just my SSI monthly income, I wouldn't be able to do it. I get about $800 a month from SSI and $50 from food stamps. That is not enough to pay rent, phone, internet, utilities, food, medications, transportation, and necessities for one person. I could talk about the ridiculousness of the social security system much more. But this post is about Marn and how much I rely on him emotionally and financially. He is sensitive to my needs. And I think I am sensitive to his. We have a good give and take relationship. I love Marn and hope that our relationship will continue to grow stronger and healthier.

#love #couple #transgender #ftm #transman #gaytransman #transmen #transcouple #gay #lgbt #strong #healthy #relationship #TW suicide

[introspectivetransguy]

This is Beanie. She is my emotional support animal. She just turned 3 years old and is a very independent and sassy pup. She is an 11 pound chiweenie (chihuahua and dachshund mix). When I adopted her, I began training her as a psychiatric service dog. But she quickly showed me that even though she is very well behaved, intelligent, and provides emotional support, she is too independent to do exactly what she's told and too shy/anxious to be present in my needs when she's working. I am delighted to have her as my emotional support animal though. She knows when I'm not doing well. She either comforts me with cuddles and kisses or grabs a toy and tries to play with me to cheer me up or distract me. She also gives me a sense of purpose and connection. My mental illnesses keep from being able to function and get through the days. But Beanie makes it easier. She makes my life better and I feel more fulfilled. I am so grateful for her.

#emotionalsupportanimal #chiweenie #mentalhealth #mentalillness #dogs #pets #dog #anxiety #depression #cptsd #ptsd

[introspectivetransguy]

Over 20 years has passed in these pics and my twin and I are closer than ever. I'm a trans man and they are nonbinary. We are fraternal twins, but looked identical when we were little. We even pulled some tricks on our softball coaches at times. I left Rhode Island and lived in OH and CA for about 7 years. I missed them so much that I had to come back. Of course there were times we were not as close. But nothing could ever tear us apart.

#twins #trans #ftm #nonbinary #transtwins