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Zemo, opening a Capri Sun: Guess I'll drink my sorrows away.

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Zemo Assert your dominance over your friends by kicking them in the face, and then giving them a little smooch on the forehead!

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Zemo: I scare people a lot because I walk very softly and they don't hear me enter rooms. So when they turn around, I'm just kind of there and their fear fuels me.

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Zemo: I warned you.

Zemo: I'm perfect.

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Zemo: Isn't it amazing how I can feel so bad and still look so good?

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Zemo: Plants are basically the ideal friends. They are quiet, friendly, and easy to please. All they need is a little water and fresh earth, and they are perfectly happy to lie there all day in the sun. And they don’t make increasingly awful life choices, or hide their relationships. They have never, as far as I know, fucked a bee.

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Zemo: I didn’t even realize how sarcastic I was being. It’s starting to become a problem, I think.

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Zemo: I would do anything for money.

*later*

Zemo, covered in blood: THE STATEMENT STILL STANDS!

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Zemo: I just found out that humans are capable of fitting a light bulb into their mouth with ease but can’t take it out without shattering it, and now I have to physically restrain myself from putting a light bulb in my mouth

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Sam: Do you guys hear something?

Bucky: I hear the sound of you shutting the fuck up.

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Sam: Bucky, I don’t think I can handle any more of your tomfuckery.

Bucky: Oh yeah? Well I can keep going until you’re all tomfuckered out!

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Sam: Hopefully Bucky has learned a lesson about respecting other people's feelings.

Bucky: Oh, shut up and die Sam.

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Bucky: Guys, there’s a monster under my bed and it’s really ugly.

Sam, on the bottom bunk: Honestly, fuck you.

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Sam: Can we go to a haunted house?

Bucky: What’s wrong with the one we live in?

Sam: Wh-what?

Bucky: Goodnight, Sam.

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Sam: How are you today?

Bucky: Please don’t make me think about my life.

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Bucky: Hey, I’m getting in the shower. Wanna help me out?

Sam: ...Have you never taken a shower before?

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Bucky: My head hurts.

Sam: That’s your brain trying to comprehend its own stupidity.

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