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Cicero: Your honor, my client clearly has his Silly Goose License so he cannot be held accountable for the fire at Chuck E Cheese
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Brutus:
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The Romans and Friends as Images I Have On My Phone
Brutus:
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Pompey:
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Antony:
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Octavian:
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Cassius:
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Cleopatra:
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Caesar:
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Octavia:
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Cicero:
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Cicero: I would love to be wrong, but I don’t live with the right people for that
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Brutus: maybe I'm happy but asymptomatic
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*2066 years ago now
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It's that time of year again
The Liberatores: *Stab Caesar*
Caesar: Ah, fuck. I can't believe you've done this
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Caesar: The Senate is less of a Senate and more of a pack-of-hyenas-on-a-carcass, with my feelings being the carcass.
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Antony: Hey man can you turn it down like a lot?
Cassius: Sorry but I'm not playing any music?
Antony: your weed loud as fuck man I swear my fish are high as balls rn
Cassius: You wanna come take a dab?
Antony: Fuck see you in 30 seconds man
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Brutus, texting Porcia: Hey girl, do u like trees?
Brutus: because if a cat
Brutus: got stuck in a tree
Brutus: like in the
Brutus: tree
Brutus: if YOU were a cat stuck in a tree*
Brutus: you'd be a
Brutus: cat
Brutus: I forgot the pickup line
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Octavian: This is a hard escape room
Atia: this is a family dinner
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Cassius: Tried to text "I'm on my way" but sent "I'm in my way" and I think I just had a therapy breakthrough
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The Romans and Friends as Reductress Headlines
Brutus: 5 Rotting Pumpkins That Will Make You Say "Same"
Cicero: Man Two Minutes Into Question With Still No Question In Sight
Cleopatra: How To Be Emotionally Available for Your Partner When All Your Energy Goes to Your Perfect Cat Son
Caesar: Sleep Paralysis Demon Not Loving the Most Recent Bedroom Renovations You Made
Pompey: Wow! This Man Has Traveled To Over 100 Countries and Still Not Learned a Single Fucking Thing
Octavian: Wow! This Man Knows How to Code But Not How to Apologize
Cassius: How To Be a Free Spirit Even Though You Had a Panic Attack Three Hours Ago
Antony: "I'm Known For My Sense of Humor," Says Friend Known For Puking In Cabs
Octavia: "I Love Reading!" Says Woman Who Loves Owning Books
Julia: Aw! This Little Girl Was Told She Could Be President One Day and is Wondering Who Would Even Want That Shitty Job
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Regularly says fuck: Antony, Pompey, Cassius
Has sworn off saying fuck, but said it at some point: Caesar, Cleopatra
Has not said fuck before, but can if so desired: Cicero, Octavian
Has not said fuck before, and refuses to say it: Julia, Brutus
Legally cannot say fuck: Octavia
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Pompey: The point is, I was the lead envoy in the negotiations
Cicero: Utter toffee! You couldn't negotiate yourself out of a corn maze
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Who Broke It?
Caesar: So... Who broke it? I'm not mad, I just wanna know
Brutus: I did. I broke it
Caesar: No. No you didn't. Antony?
Antony: Don't look at me. It was Cicero
Cicero: What? I didn't break it
Antony: How'd you even know it was broken?
Cicero: Because it's sitting right in front of us, and it's broken!
Antony: Suspicious
Cassius: If it matters-- probably not-- but Octavian was the last one to use it
Octavian: Liar! I don't even drink that crap!
Cassius: Oh really? Then what were you doing by the coffee cart earlier?
Octavian: I use the wooden stirrers to push back my cuticles. Everyone knows that Cassius!
Brutus: Okay okay! Let's not fight! I broke it. Let me pay for it Caesar.
Caesar: No! Who Broke it?
Cicero: Caesar... Lepidus has been awfully quiet.
Lepidus: REALLY??
Cicero: Yes really!
Lepidus: Oh my Gods!
(everyone starts fighting)
Caesar, to the camera: I broke it. It burned my hand, so I punched it. I predict ten minutes from now they'll be at reach other's throats with war paint on their faces and a pig head on a stick. (Looks back at the fight) Good. It was getting a little chummy around here
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Caesar: may I compare thee to a sunset it's every fuckin day with you
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