iamthestorm

[iamthestorm]

I Am Tired!

I am tired of so many things…

I am tired of not finding somewhere nice to live which is actually my own fault as I am picky as to where I want to live. I need mountains to be happy. I am curious by nature and want to explore things. I want to know about the history of Scotland and everything it has to offer.

I am tired, oh so tired to not be able to move where I really want to be. Which would be the Isle of Lewis. I can’t explain why, but something inside tells me, that I need to be there!

I am tired of living somewhere second best. That’s what I always did. And I am not a second-best person!

I am tired of my weight going up and down because I am not sticking to things.

I am tired of my older daughter not speaking to me, which I admit, is partially my own fault. I tried to make it right, but she is as stubborn as me, so no progress here.

I am tired of not finding a new, better paid job. I know the resolution would be to move to the big city, but a big city comes with personal disadvantages.

I am tired of not being able to just buy something for my little children when they ask me to. I know children need boundaries, but a little surprise every now and again without thinking about money would be nice.

I am tired of still not being pregnant, because I probably run out of eggs. Don’t get me wrong when people look at me, they always assume I am in my late 20s (very flattering) or my early 30s (more likely), but I am turning 42 this Sunday and statistically I am old when it comes to pregnancy!

I am tired of not getting enough running in due to work commitments.

I am tired of not getting enough sleep. I know that 8 – 10 hours per night for me is ideal but that’s something I am just dreaming of right now. Not literally.

I am tired of always walking the rocky path. Why does it always have to be so difficult?

I am tired that Tumblr seems to be more about pictures and short lines rather than “proper” written blogs. Though no offense, I am following single line blogs as well. But my brain needs deeper stimulation.

I am tired of not proper blogging. I used to blog at least once per week on another platform, but can’t use it anymore as it would make my fiancée unhappy.

I am tired of not being able to just elope right this instance, as I know my fiancée would like to have the real thing and I want to see him happy. He would like his friends and family to attend. Me? I have always been mortified when all attention was on me and I already get the sweats and feel physically ill, just thinking about it.

I am tired of missing my friends. I spend the majority of the last 10 years alone due to moving house every two years and not making real friends along the way. My best friends are all in good old Hamburg and I get to see them once in a while.

I am tired of not spending girl days out.

I am tired of the fact that I will miss my best friend forever. He was there for me when I was at my happiest and he was there for me when I was on my utter lowest until he chose to not be there anymore.

I am tired of marching on.

I guess right now, I am just tired of life itself. But I also know that I am not the only one. People are battling things every day all around the world and I know at some point we all will see the light at the end of the tunnel.

But of course, it’s not all bad.

I will never tire of my children’s laughs and hugs and kisses.

And I will never ever tire of my hopefully sooner rather than later husband-to-be’s love for me.

Until the next time…

#life sucks #it will get better #stay strong

[iamthestorm]

Why I Love My Man

The reasons why I love my boyfriend are very simple!

My man is a proper Scots man. Like a proper man.

Today after one client visit I tracked him on my app, realising he was working two streets down. So I drove over to surprise and spent my lunch break with him.

We had our lunch in a park nearby and once again I couldn’t help but stare at him-

He is just so hot. The way the sun shines on his face... it makes me feel like

And like

It’s the little things I love about him like his bear hugs which reminds me why he is my home...

Or him buying me little versions of my disgustingly expensive face cream...

Or going on a snowy night walk with me even though he is not keen...

I love that he is so easy peasy to talk to.

There are lots of other things I ❤️ about him... to many to tell.

We might be poor like church mice and probably have both seen better times, but do you know what?

We have each other and that is all I need!

Until the next time...

#love #life #hot boyfriend

[iamthestorm]

A heart crushed into pieces

My light reduced to a little flicker

I am broken beyond repair

#haiku #life

[iamthestorm]

Where Is The Point In Fighting?!

There is the saying:

Money doesn't make you happy!

But not having any money can make you very low.

I am currently in free fall.

I am in a job that doesn't pay anything. I am desperate to find something new but job opportunities, at least well paid ones, are rare.

I probably have to ask my ex husband for financial support, knowing he doesn't have anything to give AND feeling extremely bad about it as I was always very independent and never had to ask for money.

Right now, in this moment, I am at a point where I ask myself:

Where is the point?

I can't contribute anything financial wise to my children or my boyfriend...

Half of my children resent me for leaving their dad, the other half is missing me, we can't find somewhere to stay and overall I make everyone unhappy! I don't have any contact to my family overseas and my close friends are far away.

People might be better off without me...

All I want to do is curl up and cry.

I never thought I would reach a point like this...

The world is a sad place, but there is still life left inside of me.

Until the next time...

#give up #my life

[iamthestorm]

A Divorce Is Never Nice...

It's official. From today onwards I am a divorcee.

Let me explain how it came to it:

I got married after exactly 4 month. At the time it felt like the right, crazy thing to do.

He was married twice before and has two children from those relationships.

I was never married but already had two children from a previous relationship.

Together we have two more children and my children are as much his. My two older children see him as their dad. They have his name and call him dad.

We have been married for 10 years. But approximately 4 years ago things started to change.

I couldn't give him the attention he desired or even required and therefor he became extremely jealous.

Snooping around, telling people to keep an eye on me, logging into my accounts, checking my mobile, contacting male friends.... all these of course caused arguments.

Of course we vowed to get a grip, but it was like a never ending circle.

And at some point I realised:

This will never change. I felt so pressured and I felt that he stopped loving me for who I am and I also realised that no matter what, I am not able to make him happy.

I tried. I really did. For a very long time. Because we have children. Because we built a life together. Because I am his best and really only friend. Because he deserves a happy ever after. Because I didn't want him to go through another divorce. Because I didn't want to split up our family. Because I didn't want our children to be unhappy.

But eventually I ended it. I broke his heart. He cried so often.

And I am sure he cried today.

When the papers arrived, I phoned him up to tell him as I didn't want him to get his post and be hit by it. I wanted to make sure he is ok, considering the circumstances.

He half joked that this was the best divorce he experienced so far.

Unlike others who part in spite and anger, we are still friends.

We talked a lot about why it didn't work out the first few weeks and he started to see that we both where miserable.

He is trying his hardest to make changes and he probably hoped until today, that I might change my mind...

But for me, it was the right decision. I just knew, that I don't love him anymore.

It is not anyones fault that our marriage/relationship didn't work out, its just life. It wasn't meant to be.

Our children are still sad. My older son cried and couldn't understand why I did this.

Our older daughter still resents me for leaving her dad. But then again, she resents anyone at the moment.

Our younger daughter cried the most. She just wants us all to live together.

Our younger son... it seemed that it didn't affect him much.

I hope that in the long run they will see that sometimes we have to do sad things in order to be happy again.

Until the next time.

#divorce papers #life #a new start

[iamthestorm]

Everyone Is Pregnant- But Me!

Isn’t it funny that every time you want something you can’t get, it seems to be everywhere around you???

In my case:

I see pregnant women (not dead people, ha ha). It’s like they follow me around. I check the news in the morning and boom! Another pregnancy announcement. “Of course she is pregnant” is all I think.

I drive to work and see all the mamas with their prams and moms to be.

This annoys me. Of course I am happy for them. But still.

20 years ago in September I have given birth to my first child!

Wow, 20 years.... where has the time gone? Also, that makes me sound very old. But all the time people don’t believe me when I find out about my age. I have always looked at least ten years younger thanks to workouts and beloved disgustingly expansive skin care.

I am going to be 42 in May. And that’s the thing:

Statistically I am old when it comes to pregnancy related things! A pregnant woman of 40+ is considered “high risk”. According to research and statistics I have a 5% chance  per month to get pregnant.

Wow... have I really wasted that many eggs??? Are they playing hide and seek with me? Or are they just mocking me, like in my past cycle:

On 22. February I had what doctors call “implantation bleeding”. Which means that a very fast swimmer made to make impatiently waiting egg, it fertilised and made itself at home in my womb which can cause light spotting (bleeding).

I witnessed this with my youngest son, so I just knew! A few days later I started to feel sick as well and thought that is a good sign. 

And when I was 2 days late I started to get a bit excited just to be turned down by my body: On day 3 my period arrived. Again.

What the heck?!? I know this natures thing to sort itself out. If something is not healthy in your body, naturally the body expels it.

20 years ago I have given birth to my first born, I think it is just fair to give birth 20 years later to my last one!

Unfortunately time is ticking. There are only so many eggs left on the shelf. I know, I should not think about it and it will happen, as many like to point out. But that is easier said than done.

Well, if it happens it happens... patience, they say, is a virtue.

SIGH.

Until the next time...

#patience #babies #love making them

[iamthestorm]

Tom Jones - If I Only Knew

Just because.

Until the next time...

#the tiger #real voices #music

[iamthestorm]

This is a poem my 9 year old daughter wrote today

#poems #little girls #love

[iamthestorm]

Having A Very Bad Day

Sometimes you wake up and everything goes wrong from the very first start. Maybe major things, sometimes just little things...

Today is one of those days where I feel really really low and all I want to do is cry. Ugly crying, you know?!

I am three days from my period. The last few times my body made me believe, I might be pregnant. My boobs where hurting. Which is a sign of pregnancy. No let me rephrase that: It could be a sign of pregnancy or an indication that you are due for your period. 

The thing is: My entire life I never ever had any symptoms when I got my period. The only times my boobs would hurt, was when I was pregnant.

So when this happened I was all excited... until my period started. Great!

So Monday is my due day and guess what? No pain. 

Did I mention I try to get pregnant?! No? So yeah, no pregnancy symptoms- again.

I know many of you can sympathise and know where I come from. You want to get pregnant, all you can think about is a baby. It seems that everyone is pregnant but you.

Fair enough we are only trying since December... but my clock is ticking. I am nearly 42! There are only so many eggs left...

Then my ex husband video calls me with my little one in tow, out shopping (he wanted to know which worm treatment was the correct one for the cats). They seemed to have a good time which I am happy about. I am. But it should have been me out with her, enjoying the day and get everything done.

I have 4 children. Two are already old enough to make their own decisions, two are in primary school. My little ones are supposed to move in with me in summer when the school year is over and my partner and me found a bigger place to stay.

But this is the UK. This is an island. And I live in Scotland. There are only  limited amounts of rentals. And we have a budget which is rather small. And often pets are not allowed. We have a dog and siamese cats. They are family members as well.

And my beloved boyfriend doesn’t want to move further away because of his mother... I can understand that to a certain extend...

At the moment I don’t get to see my children very often as I moved further up north and I work...

That is the next thing. My work doesn’t even pay enough to cover my bills. And we are still in lock down. So good paid jobs are rare...

This morning I looked in the mirror and thought to myself:

“Wow, you look really like shit.”

Usually I would do an hour of spa treatment in my bathroom. But guess what? I am so skinned I can’t even afford my usual fancy face mask and no, I can’t, won’t, don’t... want to buy some cheap chemical infused junk from the supermarket as I have extremely sensitive skin!

Outside is beautiful sunny weather. Usually I would go for a run and/or walk the dog, but I rather dig a whole and hide in it aka the flat...

I wished I could call my grandma... but she is gone. I know she could make me feel better just like she always did.

My parents and family (except my sister and brother) are not talking to me as they don’t understand why I left my children with my ex. They do not understand that this was a family decision and in the best interest of my children. They are so small minded that they don’t see that my children where already sad and confused enough in regards of their dad and me splitting up, ripping them out of their home would not have contributed to the whole situation.

And when I was on my lowest, my parents threatened me with a lawyer as they wanted their money back they loaned my ex and me.

First of all, the money is in the house. The house I left to my ex as he is paying for it so he will, when he can, pay it back. All my mother sees is the money. She does not see that if my ex would have to sell the house to pay them back, it would make their grandchildren homeless.

My parents have never been supportive or open minded or made me feel loved and wanted. And threatening me with a lawyer was the last straw. I am being sick of explaining myself and my decisions. This is it. I don’t want to be surrounded with people who make me feel unwanted and not enough. There will no more communication. If they want to see their grandchildren, they can text and I can put them on a plane (when it is possible again). Not that my parents would make any effort to come to Scotland!

I know tomorrow will be a new day and I will think:

I have a wonderful boyfriend who I love so much and we will find somewhere to live soon and I will find a new job and the lock down will be over as well and I will be blessed with a baby very soon...

But tomorrow is not today...

Until the next day

#life #shit job #low #skinned

[iamthestorm]

No Covid Vaccination = No Job

Today I had a job interview in a care home close to where I live. 

The interview went really well, the assistant manager said so herself. We did the usual question and answer game, she showed me around a bit and already handed me the paper to change my PVG membership. 

She told me she will discuss everything with her manager and will call me by the end of this day.

And she did call me. 

She said she would be very happy to offer me the job under the condition that I get the Covid vaccine! 

I already told her during the interview, that I am not willing to get the vaccine as there is not enough research!

On the phone she offered me more information about the vaccine. I don't need more information, thank you very much! I can read! I read daily news about Covid and the vaccine thanks to the world wide web!

I politely declined, stating again that as long there is not enough research, I will not get it.

After that her tone change from very friendly to stiff business like.

So we finished with us saying our goodbyes. 

This vaccine does not guarantee to not get Covid or getting it again! It does not guarantee that you can’t pass it on once you got the vaccine either! It is not recommended for pregnant women, women who try to get pregnant or breastfeeding mums as, again, there is not enough research about side effects!

No research about longterm side effect! 

So I am not sorry when I say:

I am not wiling to play the lab rat! 

Guess I just keep job hunting... 

Until the next time

#covid vaccine #job hunting #is this legal #life

[iamthestorm]

Exploitation

I started work as a carer a couple of month ago. The job is easy peasy. You get to spend time with people who need help with personal care, daily chores like cooking, cleaning and shopping and medication.

Most of my clients are really nice. Of course there are clients who are mentally challenging and then you have those who call you names and even try to attack you. 

So the job itself is fine! I can handle all that.

What’s not fine is the way things work in many care institutions!

I don’t know what is is like in other countries, but I can tell you what it is like where I live. In good old Scotland, Perthshire.

I have to travel from client to client. And often I have between 30 minutes to 6 hours gaps in-between. I don't get those gaps paid!!! Which means, I could be out 10 hours but only get 7 paid, for example.

When I had my job interview, I told the manager that I would need between 25 and 35 hours per week. I was told, that is not a problem at all! The reality is, I barely get 20 per week and can barely pay my bills. My overdraft is my friend and foe at the same time!

Speaking of the time gaps. One would think you can do whatever you want during that time, right? As in scheduling your day in accordance. Wrong! You have to let them know to block those times if you have plans. So basically you have to be on stand by 24/7!

Then there is the thing with the new covid vaccine. I received 3 emails, pressuring me to get it, which I denied three times! I did not want to tell my manger my reason but did eventually. It is not advised to take the jab when you are pregnant, breastfeeding or even trying for a baby. I am trying for a baby plus this vaccine is not advanced or even researched enough to guarantee that I and others will be safe. I am not willing to play the lab rat!

At the moment many clients have cancelled due to covid and lock down. I was told I still get those hours paid. The thing is, I don’t even know when I had a cancelled client so I don’t know what I have earned until payday. I told them to make that clear, point it out. In an email or the rota itself. But....nothing!

Communication is another thing. Often I get send to clients I have never seen before. No information whatsoever! Of course they have their folder in the house with all the information, but I like to be prepared. I like to know before I go to see clients what their needs are!

The organisation I am working for has really bad management and exploits their staff!

Almost every day I am browsing the bleak job offers but no luck so far. 

I even think about going back to hospitality which I did before. Only thing with hospitality is, the payment is even worse than the one in care...

I am a trained legal secretary. But because it was such a long time ago, no one gives me a chance in an office. 

Big SIGH...

But I am sure something will come along.

Until the next time

#modern slaver #job hunting #life

[iamthestorm]

My Non-Existing Relationship With My Parents

Every time when I see a movie where the children, teens and grown-up children are close to their parents... every time when one of my best friends tells me things she did with her mother... I wish I had such parents, that I had such a close relationship with my parents.

When I was little, I was the child that would stand in front of my parent’s bed forever, waiting for them to wake up. I was too afraid to wake and ask them if I can sleep in their bed as most of the time they would send me back in my own bed.

I can’t remember my parents taking me to the playground or playgroups or even play with me.

When I grew up I wasn’t aloud to celebrate my birthdays, except with family members. I was not aloud to invite the few friends I had. Friends where not aloud inside our house and often I had to be back very early in the day.

To make sure I finish my plate, my mother would put a large wooden cooking spoon on the table.

Said spoon was often in use- on me. Often replaced by new ones as they would brake...

One day I was eavesdropping and heard my father say that I wasn’t smart enough to graduate from school...

I can’t remember deep affection you would shower your child with nor did I feel supported in any way.

I know no parent is perfect. I do lots of mistakes as a parent. But at least I realise by the end of the day what I should have done or could have done better. And I do apologise if it is needed.

The only ones who always showered me with love, unconditionally love, where my fathers mum and my big brother.

My grandma did love me the way she did because I was her blood but also because she knew what it was like for me at home.

My brother showered me all the love he had because he felt the same way-

Unloved and not wanted.

I am not looking for sympathy and I am not blaming my parents. Not anymore. What’s done is done and no-one can change the past. But seeing others close, it makes me think of what could be.

I am not always doing the best job as a mother, but oh do I love my children and my children can be whatever they wanna be. I will always support them and one day, when I have grandchildren, I will be just like my gran...

All I want is what everyone wants:

To be loved in the best possible way.

And yes, I go a bit mental every now and again for little things. Things like not getting enough kisses and cuddles. To others it might be silly to me it feels like once again, I am not good enough and not wanted.

I am like most of you:

Tough on the outside with a soft core.

Until the next time...

#mothers #parenting #love

[iamthestorm]

When You Feel Bat-Shit Crazy

I am not proud of it, but I did it anyway. 

I made a scene. I had a jealousy fit! 

A girl commented in a flirty way on my boyfriends Facebook post. Despite the fact knowing that I am his girlfriend! What annoyed me even more was that I had to tell my other half to tell her off! The cheek!

You would think only teenagers have fits... But here was 41 year old me, raging like a child who doesn’t get her lollypop!

I am in a rather new relationship. Let me count....almost 6 month! Wow time did fly by.

But boy, do I love this man. I love this man like I never loved one before and so my friend, the little devil, got the better out of me and screamed “lets have some fun”!

I should have known better since I despite jealousy. I have been with extreme jealous men (that sounds sluttier than I am, really) and that was eventually the end of a relationship.

Aside from should-have-known-better, I know that wanna-be-would-like-to-steal-your-boyfriend woman stands no chance against me!

I am awesome in every way (yes, I know, huge ego) and my man loves me!

Next time I just choke my friend the devil a tiny bit...

Until the next time....

#myfriendthedevil #jealousy #boyfriends #life #love

[iamthestorm]

Asshole Runs

A couple of days ago I was out for my morning run. 

I am a runner in good old Scotland. My favourite time is autumn and winter followed by spring. Summer? Not so much. When it gets warm outside, and yes Scotland can be warm, I am like a hermit. I want to hide in a dark, cold hole, also called my humble abode.

However. Back to the actual topic.

That day was not a good day. You know when you have days where you think, that literally everyone can and should kiss your ass? Days where you refer to everyone being an asshole?

That was my day! I was angry and sad and disappointed and so I went for a run to let off some steam.

Some call it “angry run”, I call it “asshole run”.

So off I went. In the morning. With my dog in tow. Well technically my boyfriend’s dog but we don't want to be pedantic, right?!

We hit the snowy hills. My legs where angry and fast. The high snow made me even angrier, which is a good thing as I put more effort in in not stopping even though my lungs scream for an oxygen tent!

I kept on going. Running uphill and downhill, slipped a couple of times, even fell ones (nothing hurt, not even my ego as my only witness was the dog), but in the end it was well worth it.

I felt less angry and shaved some minutes of my personal best.

Until the next time...

#running #assholes #mood

[iamthestorm]

This Is Me

Some of you might have heard the following lines:

The devil whispered in my ear “You’re not strong enough to withstand the storm”, I whispered back “I am the storm”.

Whenever the going gets rough, whenever shit hits the fan, whenever I want to wallow in self-pity, whenever I am exhausted and tired, this line comes to my mind and I tell myself over and over again:

I am the storm!

And I pick myself up and like a good soldier would, I march on. 

I am determined, nothing will ever stop me.

And when all of a sudden my personal pick-me-up song is played on the radio, I turn it on full blast and I know, I just know, I will make it through in one peace!

Welcome to my blog!