i-am-rmt

[i-am-rmt]

To say: I am getting over it. Say: You are not a ghost.

r/m/t

Maggie Nelson, Bluets

#responses #wrote this one back in June!!! #June #Jun 2023 #Jun 28 #2023

[i-am-rmt]

The sprinkle in the dim twilight turns torrential by the dark of midnight.

The earth does not deny the moisture, soaking up the rain in the dirt.

By morning there are leftovers from the storm-

downed branches, wet pavement, moistened dirt.

Evidence only; the storm itself long gone.

The morning glories bloom; the sunflowers perk up;

the chickens awaken; the dawn chorus begins.

The wet air smells so sweet and the sun begins to shine in earnest.

r/m/t

#poems #spilled ink #Sep 1 #Sep 2023 #2023 #September

[i-am-rmt]

I have yet to coin new words, but through you I experienced so many new feelings, new sensations. I never told you, but I never felt so alive as I did when I grabbed your hand for the first (and, regrettably, last) time. I don't remember who pulled away first.

r/m/t

Maggie Nelson, Bluets

#for three days in a row I've written a short sticky-note-length response to a random paragraph from this book #i kinda liked this one #responses #June #Jun 2023 #Jun 25 #2023

[i-am-rmt]

And the thing is, fuck, I'm still so full of love. It's been months since I wrote this and I'm so fucking full of love. Maybe I should try to sell it like a—a fucking love-sugar-daddy. -mommy. Whatever. People need love and I have it. What the fuck do I do with it?

I'm fucking bursting at the seams with all this fucking love and it's spilling out of me uncontrollably and there's not a single sick fuck that wants it. This fucking love isn't even spoiling or rotting and turning into hate or lust or desperation, it's just fucking sitting there. I'm desperate to get rid of it, but the love itself? Pure as fucking gold. Clear as fucking crystals.

And me with all my fucking rage, and me with my fucking 10ft wall around me, and me with all my fucking excessive f-words that I've never once said aloud in my life, I'm still full of love.

r/m/t

Are you full of love or hate?

#this has been sitting in my drafts for a bit #I keep looking at it and reading it and I'm not satisfied but I better just post it #get it out of here #just like that love

[i-am-rmt]

I would love to "come over and kiss [you] idk." I would love to see you and hold you and be with you and watch you crumble and be there to crumble with you. Maybe we could pick ourselves up together while writing bad poetry. Or good poetry, I guess. I won't speak for the quality of your writing (which is lovely and wonderful and sobering and hard to read sometimes because I feel too deeply about it), just my own (which is...???). The sides you've shared and shown here have been beautiful and flawed and choked and thriving and trying trying trying, and I would love to grow with you.

But some facts remain: I am on the wrong side of the country, I am terrified of moving, I am not one to be impulsive, my family (oh, my family..), I don't really know you (just what you write and what you say, which is, arguably, all of you and none of you all at once), my writing could never compete with yours (and while our writing is never meant to be competitive, it feels like it is. It feels like I am losing everyday while reading your wins and losses and your growth and your love, and I remember I haven't written in what feels like months (but is truly only a couple of weeks?)), and, of course, I feel so much comfort in the loneliness.

As it is, I am just one url in an ocean of notifications (not even this url, but my main instead); there is a sense of peace being one amongst the mad many; it is so easy to be a nobody, someone you do not recognize. As it is, I am so comfortable in the familiar loneliness, and the emotional isolation is safe for me. I haven't been hurt by another person in a long time and maybe I'd like to keep it that way. But I haven't been blessed by companionship or the delight of story telling or the beautiful thought of choosing someone daily.

And anyway... "praying for you, king... may a gay person talk to you soon...."

#okay so i edited this and this is now just like a cool thing that exists rather than deleting it #anyway #August #Aug 2022 #Aug 2 #2022

[i-am-rmt]

I stand so still and the water rises.

We knew the flood was coming; my family has begged me to move, to run, to flee to higher ground, but I stand so still.

The water is near my knees now, and I don't move. My family doesn't know I have bricks for feet, and the water rises.

I inhale slowly as the cold water reaches my stomach and my breathing hitches involuntarily. I close my eyes, and I stand so still.

There is no way I could move, even if I wanted to. I am doomed to drown, and the water rises.

The water kisses my lips and I exhale one last time as I am engulfed. I stretch my hands toward the sky, and I stand so still.

Were I destined to be saved, someone would see my hand: grab me out of the water. But alas, I am doomed to death and damned to die slowly, and the water rises.

r/m/t

@nosebleedclub July prompt xiv: damnation

#spilled ink #original poetry #r/m/t #july #2022 #Jul 14 #Jul 2022

[i-am-rmt]

And finally the universe said: sorry for the delay! and slapped me in the face

signs

I said to the Universe: will you show me a sign? The Universe said to me: My child, lay down your head. Your journey has been long, and you are weary! And I said: so I shouldn’t go to my ex’s wedding? The Universe said: Rest, my child. The world is beckoning to you in snowbanks and travel fraught with danger! Lay down your head.

And again, some time later, I said to the Universe: will you show me a sign? The Universe said to me: She smiles like never before; she is gleeful and joyous, and the one who is joyful will make joyful spaces abound! And I said: so he’s a good fit for her, and I should enjoy this joy as well? The Universe said: I have watched you, her, and everyone, for all their days, and she smiles now, like never before. She glows and is full of light.

Again, I said to the Universe: will you show me a sign? And I said again: will you show me a sign? But the Universe said nothing. And I asked: should I not get help? Am I really supposed to deal with this alone? Am I really meant to fight this on my own? And the Universe stayed quiet. And I pleaded: oh, won’t you show me a sign? oh, won’t you help me? and I said: why now? and I said: why now?

and I said: the silence is a sign enough

r/m/t

[i-am-rmt]

I must go to the sea: take step after step into the water until I’m barely a head on the surface.

The water rises to cover my mouth, my nose, my ears and eyes and I keep walking, blind, into the sea.

r/m/t

@nosebleedclub July prompt i: to the sea

#spilled ink #writeblr #I am drowning #I am begging you not to come down with me #July #Jul 1 #Jul 2022 #2022

[i-am-rmt]

I told my coworker today that I've been asleep for at least four years, if not longer.

What I meant was, I wake up every morning and go to sleep every night, but I don't ever feel quite right about it.

What I meant was, I can barely keep track of the passing days, and (as evidenced by my tardiness everyday) I can barely get to work.

What I meant was, I have been absent from my own life for so long, I don't even know how I got here.

What I meant was, I hope it feels good: to wake up again.

How did it feel to wake up?

#July #Jul 1 #Jul 2022 #2022

[i-am-rmt]

All my love, and it's not enough. After all, one drop of poison ruins the whole lake.

I have so much love for the world and its inhabitants, but all my love couldn't save anyone. Not really. Not truly.

All my love and people are still murdered every day, people still starve to death every day, and people still kill themselves.

@nosebleedclub May prompt 25: worthless

#:/ #action action action I know #feeling helpless this afternoon #actionable items coming my way this evening #writeblr #May #May 25 #May 2022 #2022

[i-am-rmt]

If you had stayed, I still would not have waited. If you had stayed, you would have watched me breaking down in real time. If you had stayed, I would have been constantly paranoid for those two years instead. If you had stayed, nothing would have changed in the long run.

If you had stayed, maybe things would have worked out. If you had stayed, maybe I would have healed by now.

What would it have been like if you had stayed?

#ah.. #yeah #May #May 9 #May 2022 #2022

[i-am-rmt]

The thing about crying is that it takes energy. I've been on the verge of tears for days, but I haven't had the energy to commit to crying. My breath gets caught in my chest and my eyes hurt, but no tears come out.

It's a numbness, a waiting. I'm sitting idly by and I can't do anything. I can't even cry.

#spilled ink #writeblr #r/m/t #May #May 7 #May 2022 #2022

[i-am-rmt]

I weep for the world, and it is not enough. it is never enough. I weep for war, I weep for death, I weep for loss, and I weep for separation; it is never enough.

#this world.. truly. i weep #i am so. sorrowful #r/m/t #May #May 5 #May 2022 #2022

[i-am-rmt]

If I were to die right now, so many people would be devastated

and I would be dead.

Sometimes the yearning gets so heavy I'm not sure I can carry it anymore.

#perhaps this is just for today

[i-am-rmt]

The illness the inadequacy the helplessness the wrongness is strong, and I am so weak.

Sometimes the yearning gets so heavy I'm not sure I can carry it anymore.

#feeling today!! #not good!!

[i-am-rmt]

Sometimes the yearning gets so heavy I'm not sure I can carry it anymore.

#feel free to add on #i mean it #i will add on in due time #please check the notes! #original poetry #writeblr #r/m/t #April #Apr 29 #Apr 2022 #2022

[i-am-rmt]

the worst thing about a person being a person is that their suicide is never less than an assault on the delicate world.

r/m/t

#spilled ink #writeblr #original poetry #r/m/t #July #Jul 9 #Jul 2020 #2020