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You know what's a little scary? Taking out a loan for half a million dollars. I hope I'm able to get our forever home and not a starter home.

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Today in therapy I got validation that part of my experience is my mother sexually abused me. Not in a typical sense, but it happened and it traumatized me. My own mother. Getting that validation was a really big release and now I'm having to process those emotions. She fought so hard to protect me from a sexual predator that was babysitting me, then went ahead and crossed boundaries herself. I'm so angry and disgusted.

I hated her so much as a teen, and I hated myself. Now I understand the reason I hated myself so much was because I wanted to be nothing like her. Except I looked like her, sounded like her, and behaved like her. I still hate those behaviors, but I'm working on them. Learning how I'm lovable is loving those parts because they got me to where I am now. I'm a successful adult because I got so angry. Those parts of me I don't like did their job to get me here. I get to change these behaviors to better suit who I am now by healing.

I asked how I will know I'm healed and she said I won't have negative emotions towards my childhood. It's really hard to fathom not being so angry at Mother.

I'm so drained. I keep wanting to cry but nothing is coming out. It's hard to really pinpoint the emotions I'm feeling.

#tw sex abuse #cptsd #narcissistic mother #narcissistic abuse #ifs therapy

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I didn't know I needed a good cry but Million Reasons by Lady Gaga came on while I was resting after cooking for an hour and the water works started. Then since I was already crying I put on Jolene by her as well. I'm not thinking of leaving of D and my Grandma isn't dying like she seemed to be earlier this year, but I know I've got some deep wounds right now that I'm not dealing with. I don't know where to begin healing my trauma and I've given up looking for a therapist for the time being.

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Today I bought more crystals, performed a cord cutting ritual, started reading a book about CPTSD, and opened my new curvy Barbie for my inner child.

The cord ritual was interesting. I used a black candle and a white candle and tied hemp ribbon around them. I lit them and when mine got down to the rope I saw the flame jump and light the ribbon. They both burned so bright until her candle threw the hemp loop off! She was flickering and angry then threw it off. Mine just keep burning big and bright and worked through it quickly, but she was stubborn and tried to burn as long as possible. So symbolic!

Reading the book on CPTSD is going to be hard, I can't focus for more than a few pages before I start skipping over as I read.

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I'm having a little bit of a tough time. Life is amazing for me right now, but I still have this big heart ache. I sent my grandfather a check to reimburse him for the wedding. I am sick over hurting anyone. I don't want to hurt anyone, but I'm tired of sucking up my own needs and feelings to spare everyone else. It's time for me to take care of myself.

Then why does this feel so bad?

I wish a therapist would call me back.

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5.14.2021

The itty bitty shitty committee is going in my head tonight.

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It's done. She was actually speechless for once. I'm sure there's going to be more fallout from this, but I don't need to participate.

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J called Grandma on Mother's Day and complained about how I didn't send a birthday card and probably won't call her that day because she hung up on me. She didn't mention the name calling, she just wanted sympathy. Of which she got none from her. Since she's not going to call anytime soon, and I'm never going to get the apology I deserve, I'm going to call her tonight to tell her we're eloping this weekend and to cancel her rooms.

Wish me luck.

#narcissistic mother #narcissist abuse

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On my way to work this morning I was behind a DJ truck (someone with a pickup that put ads on the truck) and it got me thinking about my DJ for our wedding. He's the brother of a woman I met in my grief group therapy when my dad died. Her dad also died and she went through her wedding much sooner after losing hers.

I got to thinking about how I'm not going to have any blood family at the wedding and had a moment of self pity. I don't know what I'm going to do for the father daughter dance if D wants to do the mother son dance. Have a toast to my dad? I don't want to dance with anyone, I'll cry.

I'm happy all of my chosen family will be there. I have met such amazing and supportive people on my journey through life, I'm so grateful for that. This is the thought that pulled me out of pity and into gratitude. I still get a little teary about the sad stuff from time to time, and that's okay.

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I talked to my Al-anon sponsor last night to make sure my ignoring J's text wasn't against the principles of our program. She told me if that's what my gut was telling me, she supports my decision. I'm doing what she wishes she had done when her dad called her a cunt. If you take away the title from J, she's just a person. If a person calls me a name, I wouldn't be talking to them. She doesn't get to treat me like that just because she gave birth to me.

I'm growing and practicing self love by not allowing toxic behavior in my life.

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I haven't spoken to J (I won't call her my mom anymore) since she called me a bitch. Today is her birthday and she texts me asking if I spoke to Grandma over the weekend and if I'm aware she has fired her caregivers.

I know because they called me when it happened. It happened 4 days ago. I told them to call J as I live hundreds of miles away and can't do anything about it.

So why did she wait until today to text me? It's her birthday and she knows I'm mad at her so she's testing the waters like the manipulative narcissistic she is. There's nothing for me to do for Grandma, so why text me?

I can't wait for her to finally call me so I can drop the axe.

"D and I have decided to elope and we're just throwing a party for our friends in August. You can go ahead and cancel your rooms."

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Today I took the first step in going back to therapy. I'm ready to start processing some things that have come up for me during the pandemic. I'd like to heal and move on from what I perceive as CPTSD. I believe I have a narcissistic mother who has abused me my entire life and I want to cut her out of my life completely. This comes with a lot of thoughts and feelings that I need help with.

#therapy #cptsd #narcissistic mother #mental health matters

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Hatley Castle, Vancouver Island, Canada

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