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why is it always "you have an infestation" and "oh my god why are you covered in lesions" and never "how is the wasp's nest in your attic? is it nice? does it thrum with life and malice? does it sing that you are beautiful, that you are a home, that you can be fully consumed by what loves you?"

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[MC wrestling the mic from Lucifer at the RAD assembly]

MC: No! NO!

Lucifer: Get off stage!!!

MC: WHOEVER TOOK BEELS CHIPS FROM THE TABLE, YOUR DAYS ARE NUMBERED!!!

[MC & Lucifer wrestling on the floor while the students watch & laugh]

Diavolo: (laughing & then looks down at the chips he's eating)

Diavolo: Oh. Oh no. I've made a mistake.

Barbatos: ...We have to put you into hiding my lord.

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headcanon that elias hosts the worst possible mandatory team building activities to get the opposite effect

post MAG-200 tma time travel au series

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You know those people who are cursed to always be with eyes partially closed in photographs? I hc Jon having the opposite problem after becoming the Archivist. In every photo he's in he's always caught looking directly at the camera, no matter where he is in the shot. Eyes wide open staring directly at the viewer. Seems normal when he is the focus but subtly unsettling the more photos of him you happen to see when he's part of the background or in the crowd. Especially since, after a while, your eyes seem to be pulled to find him to look directly back.

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TMA AU where after his coma Jon can see tons of new colors and he's like "Oh my lord I can see so many new colors, this is proof I'm a monster, I'm like a fucking mantis shrimp". So then in the safe house era he admits this to Martin who's amazed and asks him what colors had changed. Queue Martin is fighting for his life not to lose his shit laughing when Jon looks back at him because how is he meant to explain that no, he's not a monster with the cool ability to see a bunch of new colors, the beholding just took away the color blindless he apparently had

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Has this been done yet-

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Thinking about the difference between podcast main characters

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The Barbie and Ken mug shot meme but it's s1 Jon and post-s5 Jon who's time traveled back and pulled s1 Jon into all sorts of crazy shenanigans

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was scrolling through the "the mechanisms was Jon Archivist's college band" tags on ao3 and misread "martin finds out Jon is the lead singer of his favorite band" as Melanie, and i honestly think that would be a hundred times funnier. imagine your eldritch boss who you fucking hate but sounds vaguely familiar asks what you're listening to one day out of awkward obligation to make British Small Talk and you roll your eyes and tell him he probably doesn't know them and then you drop their name and he goes very still and flushes and suddenly Jonny D'Ville is speaking in your airpods and you're looking at your boss (who again, you fucking hate) and your world crashes and burns

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one sentence summaries of every TMA episode

(1-60 i'll add more soon)

part 2 up!

world's most effective anti-smoking PSA

man DOES NOT open coffin. everyone claps.

woman is judgemental towards neighbor even though she has hobbies that are just as weird.

book makes multiple people fall off chair.

man finds bag of teeth and decides he absolutely needs to fuck around and find out.

worm sti.

there was a SCARY MAN in the WAR.

fuck this tree

well at least ted bundy was a great father :)

i'm like 55% sure vampires are real and i'm willing to take those odds

bitches be dying. you're next.

we kill this man because he made the soda too warm.

sorry ur husband's dead. maybe get some help.

Unbox with me ! (GONE WRONG)

hah i'm safe from this one because i have decided to Never Go Into a Cave Ever.

man is so annoying about this spider that even his cat can't be bothered

man's bully finds a book about a Bone Turner and subsequently begins turning people's bones.

this guy sucks at DIY home improvement

aw maybe this priest didn't do anything THAT bad!

oh fuck nevermind

THE SKY ATE MY SON.

the worms stole my identity. i haven't left the house in days.

man beats german children at game of bravery and wins a coin (he later loses this coin)

my ex boyfriend gets casted in the muppets and dies

sorry mom, i've abandoned jesus for a new religion : jesus in the dark.

tall squiggly and HANDsome

old man arm wrestles demon through door knob

the buzzfeed unsolved guys finally catch a ghost but it's their sound tech

immortality but at what cost

working at the big meat factory was so traumatizing it made me vegetarian

i go to america and get almost killed by a furry

well if you love that wasp nest so much why don't you MARRY it (and then she did)

antisocial boat crew bands together to exclude one guy from a midnight party. he dies from the rejection.

bone apple teeth

remember when that norwegian guy threw a tantrum about us not digging a hole? turns out we were right to not dig that hole.

babe come over my parents have taken ill and passed away

man fucks around and it costs him everything

HOMOPHOBIC CHINESE VASE

oh god oh fuck the worms are here

thank you for participating in worms! please rate your wormsperience from 1 to 10.

the wormsperience has left me deeply scarred. i'm going to get lost in a tunnel about it.

🎸music makes me loose control🎸

spooky stories to tell at the next police slumber party

child threatens to run away and join the circus one too many times, and now the circus has come to cash in.

these mosquitoes are mad sus

man frequents local barnes and noble and then dies(?) after liking a book too much.

realtor gets eaten by the backrooms twice. it's a terrible shame.

both me and this weird goth dude have an unsatisfying italy vacation

guy who turns people's bones gets a new job where he continues to turn people's bones.

man who should never be allowed to build prisons builds a prison.

Something Big Is In The Water.

what if u heard me about 15 feet behind you fumbling around and calling out ur name 😳 (and we were both prison guards)

i'm going to be honest i didn't retain anything from this episode except that this guy has the silliest old man voice ever

everybody hates the tax man, including these creepy taxidermy animals

hmmgh. ant house.

so turns out being only 55% sure that vampires are real in my career as a vampire hunter has had some consequences.

the only thing keeping you company in space is your abandonment issues

🎶 the snack that smiles back 🎶 (my husband!)

maybe the real treasure was the house siblings we encased in spider web along the way.

your dead brother wrote books about ancient myths and WHAT

Part 2

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jon plushie that says "good lord" when you squeeze it, but with each squeeze there is a 1/200 chance of it instead playing twenty four minutes of uninterrupted violent sobbing

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maybe don’t hire Martin

bonus:

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stumbled upon a pic of this tweet somewhere i dont remember but i just saw it today and remembered that i had to draw this LMAOASDJFDG

elias talking as if he has an ass JK LSKJFLKS but he is an ass so

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Old Visitor’s Pass zine submission featuring a selection of Magnus Archives haunted artifacts.

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I felt like the fears in this style would be cute as hell, and I was right

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remember that time the admiral crawled into Jon's lap, shoved his furry butt in his face, and started purring up a storm because of how much he loved him. and then Jon said "yes, yes, I love you too" and started giving him belly rubs. y'all remember that.

do y'all also remember the horror trope of animals being sensitive to the supernatural and how they would growl/hiss at monsters and inhuman impersonators and whatnot. and how, in a season during which Jon is starting to really struggle with whether he's human or not, the admiral shows him just as much love and demands just as much affection from him as he likely would if jon wasn't getting eye-ified. he's not entirely human anymore but the admiral still demands belly rubs. y'all ever think about that.