heartonmygastricsleeve

[heartonmygastricsleeve]

I’ve been quiet here becauae I realized that the VSG community lives on Instagram. I hate the Fuckerburg empire but I need the support, so. May still occasionally post longer-form stuff here, cuz insta is not good for that.

I’m on my pre-op diet, hangry and proud of myself for hanging in there. I’ve been dropping nearly a pound per day (which I know represents muscle as well as fat loss, which is a bummer). I can’t wait to get these hunger hormones cut out of me. 6 days!

[heartonmygastricsleeve]

I’m struggling to keep going with pre-op weight loss. I’m less than a month from starting my pre-op liver-shrinking diet and I just want to spend that time eating normally. Unfortunately eating normally causes me to gain weight and I’m trying not to go backward here.

I think I’m also having some food-funeral feels, which I know is not necessary; I can eventually eat whatever I want in small amounts. But I am aware that my eating is going to be extremely weird for a while and it is tempting to eat Every Delicious Thing right now.

It doesn’t actually matter much, since my surgeon only cares that I lose weight during the two weeks before surgery. Everything before that is optional. But I have a goal (10% down pre-op) and I still want to reach it.

I’m losing the psychological game right now and I’m worries about what that means for my future success.

#vsg #vsgcommunity #vsglife

[heartonmygastricsleeve]

I had my pre-op class today. Ordered yet more protein powder, which is starting to feel less absurd but definitely not completely devoid of absurdity. Took some photos at my dietician’s insistence; those will be just for me (as mentioned previously, I’m not doing this for aesthetics and do not think before/after photos are very body-positive). I guess I’ll take measurements too. She says this will be good for me when those inevitable stalls happen later.

I also just bought a house, and had been planning to do a lot of work before moving in, but my surgery is a few days after I get the keys and I was informed today that I can only lift 20lb for 6 weeks (longer than I thought) so I guess my partner/friends/hired people will be doing that work. Eep.

Life feels insane but, like, probably good-insane?

#vsgcommunity #vsgjourney #vsg

[heartonmygastricsleeve]

Scheduled my surgery for May 24th! Aahhhh!

#vsg #vsgcommunity #vsglife

[heartonmygastricsleeve]

Had my last pre-op RD appointment (kind of? my final hoop will be my pre-op “class” which is taught by my RD; I’m not sure how it is different from everything she already taught me). We went over supplements. I knew I would have to take supplements daily. Fun fact: I have to take them FOUR TIMES daily. Pfft.

At least they’re little chewy starburst-like things so basically I’ll be eating candy all day? Hopefully they don’t taste awful post-op.

I still don’t have a surgery date. Somebody has to ask somebody about something before I can schedule and “it may take a week or two to hear back.” Damn it, I need to schedule coverage at work...

Are we there yet?

#vsgcommunity #vsglife #vsgjourney #vsg

[heartonmygastricsleeve]

I did NOT track kcals on vacation (because it just felt like such a fucking drag), and definitely ate more carbs (ugh I can’t believe I’m now one of those macronutrient people), and will miss my Feb weight loss goal by 1-2lbs as a result (and I’m not stressed about it, still happy with my progress).

Water weight is so real. Every time I eat excess carbs and then go back into a deficit I have a night where I’m up 8 times to pee. Glycogen is wild stuff.

Despite the above I’m actually feeling very motivated. I have my LAST pre-op RD appointment this week, then a pre-op education class in April, and still planning VSG in May. I’ve got a cupboard shelf full of protein products (winner so far: Bowmar peanut butter cookie) and am feeling very ready to go.

#vsg #vsgcommunity #vsgjourney #vsglife

[heartonmygastricsleeve]

I am fucking irritable right now.

I fell and banged up my face, arm, chest, and knee on my concrete floor. My body hurt before I did that and now it hurts more.

I am sick of being hungry.

Morale kinda sucks at work and I feel like I’m having to be much more vigilant as hospitalists drop the ball in caring for my patients. Sometimes being a consultant is really frustrating.

I am on vacation starting today and I am SO GLAD. Off to the coast with my sweetie tomorrow and think it will be a good reaet. I had been planning to skip the calorie counting for these three days but given that I am behind on my pre-op weight loss so far this month I guess I will keep counting. I know I need to stop special-occasion eating and stick with the plan. I won’t claim to have a good attitude about that right now, but a good attitude is not actually required in order to enact the behavior!

#vsgcommunity #vsglife #vsgjourney #vsg

[heartonmygastricsleeve]

I don’t think of myself as much of an emotional eater. During the darkest times in my life I’ve tended to lose my appetite. I don’t generally turn to comfort food at the end of a shitty day (though sometimes a boozy drink, which obviously has calories). I’m definitely a special-occasion eater, and an “I deserve a treat” eater, which has a slightly different valence in my mind.

But my big struggle, which is probably a relative of emotional eating, is difficulty tolerating hunger when I am really tired, physically/mentally/emotionally. It results in willpower-fatigue as well and I end up just sort of collapsing into a plate of food. I will be so disciplined all day and then eat twice what I had planned for dinner and totally blow my calorie count (not in some 5,000 calorie binge, but just having what most people would consider a reasonable dinner for a hungry person). It’s not to self-soothe for anything besides hunger, but it is still eating to feel better. I know I’m not alone in this, it has been studied. Willpower is not an effective path to sustainable behavior change because it is variable.

I don’t know what to do about this othet than have surgery to decrease my hunger. In the meantime, I’m having a hard time staying on track with calorie restriction this month. I’m doctoring in a pandemic and I’m lonely and I’m tired and it’s just so hard to stay focused at the end of the day.

#vsgjourney #vsgcommunity #vsglife

[heartonmygastricsleeve]

My family is showing support for my weight-loss project by enabling my addiction to dishes. Have too many, always want more. My mom got me tiny bowls, and my partner got me tiny wineglasses.

#vsgjourney #vsgcommunity #vsglife

[heartonmygastricsleeve]

Ordered some more protein nonsense from Bowmar and Myprotein. Glad a clear vegan protein drink exists!

#vsgcommunity #vsglife #vsgjourney

[heartonmygastricsleeve]

I met my weight loss goal for January. I’m in a groove now and this is feeling easier. I’m still hungry all the damn time but I’m adjusting. The many-small-meals thing went from feeling like a pain in ass to neutral to now maybe even a positive. I also got some new vegan protein drink crap to try. More Vega sport vanilla, which is my go-to, but also the chocolate and some bottled chocolate shakes from Evolve. Those are higher in carbs and therefore more delicious, but still decent protein bang (20g) for the calorie buck (150kcal). Open to vegan protein drink recs because I think the Vega is gonna get old fast.

I also got my required mammogram, which was more painful than I remembered from last year. My remaining requirements are just two more dietician visits and a pre-op education class. Still on track for May surgery and can’t wait to have a scheduled date.

#vsgjourney #vsgcommunity #vsglife

[heartonmygastricsleeve]

Still doing 1200 kcal per day. I don’t hit that every day, but about 5 days out of 7 I’ve managed. I had one 1600 kcal day when I decided not to count calories for a special-occasion dinner, and it was amazing to see the water weight pop back on after that one high-carb meal — glycogen is thirsty stuff! Usually when I’ve gone over it’s been just a little, though, because I forgot to record a condiment or something. I’ve lost 26% of my pre-op goal with a few months left to go so I think I can get there.

Now I have to get my protein back up. When I cut down the kcals I started missing my dietician’s recommended protein target. I have been doing the more frequent small meals, which hasn’t been as hard as I thought, but I need to shift the macros (definitely not made easier by being mostly vegan).

Doing “Dry January” with my partner has helped. I will need to continue to avoid alcohol in order to hit kcal and protein targets. No way can I make room for 300 extra beer calories with any regularity. The zero-kcal non-alcoholic distilled spirits have been my friend. Some of them are pretty tasty.

I have also been exercising more again. I don’t think I’m burning a lot of kcals but I’m just trying to get back into a positive movement habit and accept how far I am from where I once was. I really have to mentally get out of my own way on this front.

Next I’m going to try again to get on the protein-powder-smoothie bandwagon. Blech. Wish me luck.

#vsgcommunity #vsglife #vsgjourney

[heartonmygastricsleeve]

After a bumpy start, I’m on track with my pre-op weight loss. I put myself on 1200 kcals/d, and am managing to do the multiple-small-meals thing that I’m supposed to be practicing. I’m hungry pretty much all of the time but I’m tolerating it.

I think my biggest fear about this surgery is that I’ll be one of the minority of people who are still constantly hungry. Not head-hungry but ghrelin-hungry. Experiencing that hunger now is bringing up that fear a lot.

#vsgcommunity #vsglife #vsgjourney #bariatricsurgery

[heartonmygastricsleeve]

The last time I made any real effort to lose weight I was a pre-med student in nutrition school. Now I am a palliative care doctor. My family-meeting motto, which I teach to my med students, is: “Full stomach, empty bladder, open heart.” It’s more difficult to be fully present for other people if you are uncomfortable in your own body, and my job definitely requires being as present as possible.

So now I’m hungry a lot and it’s annoying. I trust my skills, and I know from brutal experience in residency that I can actually do what I need to do even while physically uncomfortable (this is the alleged value of residency being brutal). But meh, don’t prefer it. Really, really hope that knocking down the ghrelin with surgery will make this part easier.

#vsgcommunity #vsglife #vsgjourney

[heartonmygastricsleeve]

Got my chest x-ray but turns out I also need a mammogram even though they are not necessarily recommended in my age group. Sigh. ALMOST ready to schedule.

#vsglife #vsgjourney #vsgcommunity

[heartonmygastricsleeve]

I had my meeting with the clinic psychologist. It was basically a checklist to make sure I am cognitively capable of consenting to an elective surgery, have good social support, and don’t have an eating disorder. She seems to have no concerns about me. I’ll only see her again if I struggle post-op. Onward!

[heartonmygastricsleeve]

Saw my new primary care doc today, who is currently doing a fellowship in obesity medicine. He seems cool. Got my pre-op ECG. I just need to get a chest x-ray and then I should be able to schedule my surgery. Having a date will be wild.

#vsgjourney #bariatricsurgery #vsgcommunity #vsglife