Hi there!! ❤️ I'm a person in my early 20s and am diagnosed with Dissociative Identity Disorder, C-PTSD and Depression. You can call me Lin (they/them or she/her)! This is a recovery-focused blog that I use to create a safe place for me to express myself and connect with others. I am a fitness enthusiast, story teller, occasional artist, plant lover and your ordinary annoying vegan. 🌱 | If you need anything tagged, you can always let me know. | I love answering asks and chatting with people! You can always talk to me, just please don't share triggering content with me without a warning. ❤️ | (If you're having a rough day, search the tag "comfort". 💖) | Personal posts are tagged as #personal posts. | Picrew I used to make my icon: https://picrew.me/image_maker/420013
I did a lot of thinking and self-reflecting and came to the following conclusions:
The sinking feeling I get in my stomach when I think about having regular appointments with J comes from not knowing how to fill the time and fearing I will be a pain in the ass for her to work with because I don't bring enough ideas to the table.
This ☝🏻 is rooted in how I was a pain in the ass for so many therapists (= the "treatment resistant" patient) and not wanting to repeat the cycle. Fearing she will "give up one me" eventually, like so many other helper people did.
I can solve this problem by giving a lot of thought to how I want to spend the appointments. Simply planning what I want to do / discuss during the next appointment is enough. I don't have to figure all of them out at once. 😅
Next appointment I'd like to write a list with things I've been putting off for a while, organize them by how much of a priority they are to me and decide which of these things I can do in the next week. And then plan when exactly I want to do them.
Furthermore I remind myself: It's okay to be clueless, kinda braincellless and a bit of a pain in the ass sometimes. I don't always have to be this smooth, in-control person I try so hard to be. I don't have to cut away all my edges. I can learn to trust that people can handle a bit of "difficult me". In fact, I am making people small by assuming they can't handle a bit of difficulty.
it’s so weird that i never heard anybody talk about this, but… one of the things you will notice when you start recovering is that your old coping mechanisms will stop working. they might even start hurting. which is absolutely scary, and you might even find yourself being nostalgic for worse times when you could still give into those impulses and feel the pain ease off for a while. but they stop working because you are healing. take a deep breath. see how far you’ve come. you’ll go much further yet. be proud of yourself.
good friends, good partners and good family exist. toxic and one-sided relationships are not the norm in life and you’ll find someday that healthy love is real. healthy relationships are real. healthy friendships exist and they’re not limited to your twenties, thirties or forties. you’ll find the right people for you.
Same old problem. As soon as I have help my parts in distress disappear. And instead the functional everyday life parts show up for appointments and obviously don't know what to say because they don't remember the distressed parts existing.
Makes it so difficult to say what I need. "What do you expect from me?" Well, I have no idea. I don't need help, I'm perfectly fine. 🙂 I have everything under control. 🙂
That shows I need to get in contact with the parts of me who're struggling and figure out their point of view. What they need help with. And I know my functional parts can't be present forever. There'll come the day when this phase of "I'm perfectly fine and functional" will end and sometime my struggling parts will show up in appointments.
But right now I feel like I have no idea why I accepted this help when I don't need it that much?? Feeling like an asshole. And annoying. And also there are parts who're too overwhelmed by all of this. Right before the appointment I was shaking, almost crying, getting the stress shits. And then I walked in, forgot about all of this and was just. 🙂 Fine. 🙂 I don't even know who I was.
Anyway, there's no use in complaining without making plans to change what's difficult. I'll listen to other parts' perspectives. Write down their goals. Share them during the next appointment. Think about what I expect from J, what I expect her to help me with. (Already wrote down a couple of things.) Communication's key - and trusting the process is also key. Remembering what Aiden keeps saying, that everything will fall into place; and that it's okay and normal to struggle.
The appointment with J, our social worker, went really well. She just started working in this job and she's super motivated, excited and has lots of ideas which is nice. Honestly, I think I'm very lucky to get to meet her and have her help me 😁 We have some things in common too, like loving to exercise and loving horses. Honestly, I was so surprised by how chill and eye-to-eye this kind of relationship is?? I thought there would be much harder boundaries and that the things she would help me with would be strictly about making plans and stuff, but she listed things we could do together and like, she'd even go jogging with me and stuff?? Take care of my horse with me, go for walks together, go to doctors with me? 🥺 This is something I have to process and think about, I really didn't expect this. We even call each other by first name and say "Du" (= the familiar / informal form of address).
During the appointment I noticed my voice going reeeaaally high pitched and I started talking in a very cute / submissive way which makes me think the one who was in control was one of the everyday life girls who never really grew up and aren't really aware of the fact we're an adult now. So that's probably why using the familiar form of address still shocks me lol. (When you're under 18 you have to address people in the formal way here.) Yeah, teenage parts. Would be great if they could realize their adult power. Maybe something to work on, because I know a looot of people still view me as a child.
I think it was Kati. Who tries really hard to be an adult but (without meaning this in a demeaning way) still seems like a teen who acts mature to buy beer.
Yeah. I have to be careful to not let attachment shit escalate on the inside because some parts already fear she doesn't like us and that she doesn't want to work with us. 🤦🏻♂️ My aunt said she can't imagine anyone possibly disliking lmao. She's too kind.
- an everyday life dude with a bit of Kati in the beginning