growth-hurts

[growth-hurts]

IFirst I posted this on facebook and instagram after the last 6 hours of being offline. 6 hours... that sounds like such a short amount of time, but it felt like forever. I am probably even exaggerating just how much time it's been. I bet 3 or 4 is a more realistic estimate.

Either way, I decided to take it down because I don't NEED to post about it. I feel like every time I have news or want to celebrate I also feel the need to announce it to everyone I know publicly. Maybe I should just get the balls and delete my facebook... delete my instagram... delete my snap chat. Maybe this would keep me more present in my life and instead of deleting them and falling back on them later, I can just delete them. If I want a specific person to know about something, I will just tell them. I can reach out to them. I now have the motivation and the drive to do it, but I don't want to act impulsively. I'm trying to figure out a negative to not having social media.. I mean I won't see things that people update about on social media, but if I need to know something, I'm sure it will get to me. After all, I won't be going off the grid, but just taking a step back from the fucking insanity that is social media. I won't be obsessing over what other people are doing, but worrying about myself.

I posted this picture in the first place because I wanted to share that I feel reinvigorated on my journey to self-love and compassion today. I need to get better at reframing my thinking when it comes to how I think about myself. I shame myself a lot and do not show myself enough compassion. I put myself down and I don't respect my own boundaries. I want to be more purposeful about setting boundaries and respecting myself and figuring out what I need to be successful. Adaptations are normal and I don't have to stigmatize my own wellbeing. The thing that really set me off on this tangent is that I have been working really hard but not allowing myself to be recognized for it. When somebody gives me credit I will retort (either outloud or in my mind) with some kind of reason I don't deserve the praise or congratulations. Maybe this stems from my parents also not really acknowledging my success the way I want them to or need them to. Maybe I'm just waiting to congratulate myself until I feel like they have properly congratulated me and recognized all that I have acheived.

I'm really working through a lot and I have had the worst fucking luck and I have been through more trauma than I would live to have been through and I always invalidate my own feelings because I'm worried if I don't, someone else will.

Boom. There that is. I wasn't expecting to write all this, but I've spent the day either asleep or alone because Eli is visiting his dad and grandpa for fathers day. I am really excited to continue on this path I'm currently on because I think it will be extremely beneficial to my wholistic wellbeing.

This week I want to focus on:

- Reframing negative self-talk

- Blocking out time to take care of myself (ex. meditate, yoga, read, walk, turn off my phone for the afternoon, etc.)

and

- Taking my medicine every day this week.

#functional behavior #self love #self care #self compassion #journey #ftb

[growth-hurts]

Spiral

Life has generally been on an upward turn (for now). I used the word "happy" to describe myself in therapy this week which I don't think I've ever done before.

It's weird because I am so tired, but the tired I feel- at least recently- has been the tired you can sleep off. I love being in bed, I want to sleep a lot, but I don't want to die every second I'm alive. It feels refreshing to be happy, but also like it isn't sustainable. I've been fighting the urge to take a day off because I think that taking a day (besides the weekend) off will make me feel really shitty about myself. I don't feel sick right now (a little bloated, gassy, and nauseas but definitley better than I have on downturns before) and I think I can get through each day. I just think that I want time to not do anything or be around anyone and I don't really have a lot of that time anymore.

I had a really bad weekend a couple weeks ago, like the kind of weekend where I wanted to die and leave the earth and drink myself to sleep and smoke until I didn't know who I was or what I was worried about. After that weekend I kind of went on a binge and I missed a day of work, and it tapered out last weekend, but not until Sunday night and I'm still really fucking tired. I haven't been able to take any weekends to just have a weekend recently because I've been working or going out with people. I need a day that I can just sit and do nothing and study for the CBMT and clean/organize my apartment. This weekend I would love to do that and we have a three day weekend because it is memorial day, but we are going home (we as in Eli and I) to see our families before we move because it seems like the last weekend we will both have to be back in town. It's weird to say that.

Anyway I thought this weekend would be nice to be home, but it's just going to be another weekend I have to put a smile on my face and problem solve and put other's needs in front of mine so that we can all have a good weekend.

I would then look forward to next weekend, but I signed up to work in the morning because I'm an idiot... nope nope no- because I signed up on a weekend that is good for me and I don't have to work all day I have one little group on Saturday morning and it will be okay. I will be okay and I will have time to rest and recover. In fact. I was going to study for CBMT tonight, but I'm going to do have a night where I sleep or sit and do nothing tonight and that's okay and I have time to study at work or accomplish some things at work.

[growth-hurts]

Frustration

I have been so frustrated lately. I'm just tired and like I mentioned in my last post, life continues whether you're ready for it or not. I know that this is part of being an adult, but jesus I don't think I want to be a motherfucking adult.

I got a phone on saturday and dropped and broke it on sunday. AFTER I bought a very expensive case and paid for fast shipping. Now I'm being told it will be $300 to fix it or replace the phone.

I have a breath test tomorrow and all day I can only eat white rice and drink water and black coffee.

I'm tired. I'm angry. I'm overworked. I'm stressed. I'm paid absolutley nothing (literally $0/hour) and I have no idea where I'm going to live in 3 months or if I'll have a job or where it will be or how much it will pay or if i'll pass my boards.

I'm in limbo and i'm frustrated with it.

#frustrated #limbo

[growth-hurts]

Time keeps on slipping slipping slipping...

Life doesn't stop moving does it? You know when you were a kid and you had an egocentric view of the world and everything you said and did was about you and if you didn't go to school, you didn't think about what was going on at school, instead it was like it never happened. I miss that. I miss being selfish.

Now when I miss time at work or with my friends or whatever it may be, I'm not thinking about myself or what I'm doing. I'm only thinking about what I'm missing out on, how I must be letting everyone else down, what I'll have to do to catch up and show people I am still a good person and a hard worker. I don't know why it is so difficult for me to be selfish and I know being selfless is considered an admirable trait but sometimes it would be very beneficial to me and my health if I was selfish.

It is weird to think that the world just keeps on spinning no matter what is happening to you as an individual. Someone at work just tested positive for COVID and my boss and I have to split the case load so we don't cross levels of care. That means for the next two weeks, I'll be on my own. My boss came to tell me what was going on and she was upset like crying and overwhelemed and although this is a really crazy time, people still need music therapy. They still need care, they still need professionals to be there for them every day. This is not something that means the world stops, everyone will keep going.

My favorite resident died on Tuesday and I found out yesterday. I cried when I found out and I just had to keep going. As much as I wanted to world to stop and give me a fucking second to feel and reflect, it didn't and it wouldn't and it shouldn't.

I have to learn how to keep on spinning spinning spinning just like the rest of the world.

#time #rant #thoughts

[growth-hurts]

So, India is dying.

Look, I know a good number of you are from the US and things aren't amazing there either, but my country is literally on the brink of collapse. So I'd love it if we could talk about that for a minute.

If you can't do anything else, please just read and reblog.

A second COVID wave has taken out the healthcare system. There are no more hospital beds. There's an oxygen shortage. There's a critical vaccine shortage. The Central Government has thrown its hands up and is passing the baton to the State Governments to do what they can.

There are over 16 million covid cases. A record 330,000 new cases reported yesterday - comparable to the US at its peak. 187,000 dead as of today.

There is no plan.

Mass cremations are taking place. The cremation grounds are running day and night and they are short on wood. People are watching their loved ones die while waiting for a hospital bed, and then they're unable to give them the proper burial rights.

Hospitals are overwhelmed. Patients are being confined, two to a bed. They're the lucky ones.

We are on the verge of people dying in the streets.

This is the second-most populous country in the world. The largest democracy. A country that encapsulates over 15,000 years of recorded human history and has endured everything from famine to invasion to colonisation.

We might be at the end. This might be the thing that does us in.

People are dying.

People are dying.

People are dying and there is no plan.

More good news? Variants are popping up. A double mutation strain has shown up. It is resistant to current vaccines. This will not go away. This is the devastation they warned of when the anti-maskers were out protesting the minor inconvenience of covering their face in public.

My country is on the verge of an emergency state. Our government has failed us. This is as dire a situation as it ever could be.

Look. I don't do much with my life. I write fics, some of you have read them and that's pretty much it. I spend my days with my head in the clouds because that's where I like to be.

But two days ago, my grandmother tested positive, had to be taken to hospital and the ambulance caught fire.

She barely made it to the urgent care she needs.

So, here I am, using whatever meager platform I have to cobble this request together. Because I have to do something.

If you can, donate.

Or spread the word.

Help. Please.

[growth-hurts]

In Progress

Things finally seem to be going back to "normal". I was just out of commission, I truly had nothing to give.

I changed my diet a lot. I've cut so many things out and I think that my stomach actually is doing... well. I don't feel like I need help every day or that I have to fight through every minute. I would give up fries forever if it meant I could keep feeling like this. I'm also dropping some poiunds which is super awesome and really exciting!

I'm back to feeling ready to give to the residents and get back into nailing every day. I am going to make sure to take care of myself because that is the only thing that is going to keep me going. I have truly just been abusing myself because I don't think I deserve care. I. DO. I deserve happiness and taking care of myself does not have to look like what I THINK normal people do or what my idea of self-care is. Whatever makes me feel good is what I need to focus on, not what I think other people do.

It's good to be back. I feel like me again.

#self care

[growth-hurts]

post about chronic illness coming soon.

currently: dealing with a somewhat forced vacation that came out of bad illness and anxiety

[growth-hurts]

Anti anxiety.

[growth-hurts]

Workin’ 9-5

(TW: Dolly Parton joke)

Having the typical white American life I went to school from the age of 5 until 22. I’m still technically in school, but because it’s my internship I work a basic day from 9-5 with a few exceptions here and there.  I was not ready for how different this would be from life before. Because school was from 730ish-330ish (plus homework), if I had a job I’d work weird night shifts or on the weekends usually pretty early in the morning. Now it is typical that I leave at 5pm and leave all my work AT work. I don’t take home my readings or plan at home. I don’t even really practice all that much at home unless I want to and there certainly isn’t as much pressure on my day to day tasks. We have planned groups and we leave the office 30 minutes before so we can invite everybody and set up. Usually after those groups we chat and chart and reflect so all in all the groups and their responsibilities take about 2 hours. Other than that our time is more or less our own. We have due dates for readings, projects, assignments (like my case-study, an idea for a new group that I lead in independent living, things like that).  I’m so used to having to plan out every single hour of my day to make sure I’m as productive as possible, and I still do that in a way, but I definitely think more about prioritizing tasks and fitting in as much care as I can. Yes I have a book to read, I have a case study to finish, I should practice a little bit, I need to write a new session for next week, but I also only have one free afternoon and I need to use it to go see individuals for 1:1s when I have a large chunk of time. I will have time in the next two days to do all those other things or at least make a dent in them to help lower their priority for next week. 

It is a real challenge to change your schedule and my partner works from 7-3 every day and sometimes 7am-8pm to make extra money since my internship is unpaid so it is harder because I want to be able to spend time with him. I’m only 22 and one day I will be able to have a more flexible schedule and one day so will he. One day we will have the money to take vacations together and go on nice dates, but for now we are working to make the lives we want for ourselves and I’m proud of that. 

You can do it too. Your schedule is really hard to change but if you take care of yourself it is a little easier. 

#schedule #music therapy intern #intern #self care #love #balance

[growth-hurts]

A Guide to White Privilege by COURTNEYAHNDESIGN

1. White Privilege doesn’t mean your life hasn’t been hard. It means your skin tone isn’t one of the things making it harder! There’s plenty of other privileges (socio-economic, male, heterosexual, cisgender, christian, able-bodied) but white privilege is perhaps the most enduring throughout history.

2. White Privilege exists as a direct result of both historic and enduring racism, biases, and practices designed to oppress people of color.

3. White Privilege means you actively benefit from the oppression of POC You are the dominant representation on all media No on questions your citizenship Products are designed for you 1st People at work look like you You don’t get harassed for existing in public locations Inherited power and wealth Your actions aren’t perceived as those of all your race

4. Systemic racism exists at every level of society. The wealth gap (90% White owned vs 10% POC owned) Black graduates are 2x more likely to be unemployed Black americans are 30% more likely to get pulled over Black students are 3x more likely to be suspended Black americans make up 40% of the prison population Black americans are shown 18% fewer homes Black women are 4x more likely to die from childbirth And this is only a small port of the oppression

5. What would I do with my White Privilege?

Teach other White folks the barriers to success for POC Promise to listen to and amplify the voices of POC Be more than “not racist” but actively anti-racist Confront racial injustices even when it’s uncomfortable.

[growth-hurts]

“Free time”

I read recently not to confuse your “free time” with your availability. Sure you have Saturdays and Sundays off usually, but that does not mean that I am free all day on those days. I’m trying to think more holistically now when asked if I am free to do something.  On weekends I like to get my house together so it’s a fresh start for the week, maybe I’ll do some meal prep for the upcoming work week, maybe I have to do some practicing, maybe I just need a few hours (or the whole day) to myself. Make sure when giving your time to someone else, to really think about the things that you have on your to-do list and how you are feeling that day. Do you have the energy to give to someone else for a few hours? 

Don’t spread yourself too thin to try to meet the needs of others. Only give what you can. 

“Dishonoring my boundaries to avoid conflict and discomfort is no longer an option”

#free time #self care #availability #boundaries

[growth-hurts]

☀️☀️☀️

[growth-hurts]

Self-care, Mental Illness and My Job

(TW)

Self-care or at least the true meaning of self-care has alluded me for most of my life. I used to think of self-care as buying something you shouldn’t or a binge on food/drink that I didn’t need but wanted in that moment. Basically doing something that was not going to be good in the long run but gave me momentary joy. 

I’ve began to understand what the true meaning of self-care is to me (obviously everyone will have a different definition). Self-care for me has turned into taking care of myself daily to set myself up for success. Mostly self-care looks like not eating dairy, sleeping for 8 hours a night, drinking enough water, reaching out to loved ones, therapy, and more. This makes up a majority of how I take care of myself, but there are days every so often where my mental illness takes over and this holistic mindfulness escapes me. 

I’ve struggled with my mental health since I can remember and by that I mean.. like early grade school which is really shocking to look back and see once you are more educated about how mental illness manifests in children, but I digress. Since I’ve started formally being seen for my mental illness I have had a variety of diagnosis but I’m currently working with a psychiatrist that I trust who has diagnosed me with Generalized Anxiety Disorder, Major Depressive Disorder, and Borderline Personality Disorder. This may seem like a lot of diagnosis, but honestly they all kind of blend together into one big... mess? Wish I was kidding. Anxiety has always been a huge part of my life but in college it started getting worse. My depression and suicidal ideation really started to set in when I arrived at college and got really bad the summer between my freshman and sophomore year.

My Borderline Personality Disorder diagnosis was given about two years ago and that’s when my life really started to change. There will be a multitude of posts about this in the future I’m sure, but I am really thankful for my psychiatrist and his help turning around.  When I found out, I told my professors and my boss because I thought it was important for people who I report to to know that while I will work my ass off, I do have a chronic mental illness that sometimes overwhelms my ability to function regularly.  This is the first time my mental illness has taken over in a while but it’s been a doozy. I was paralyzed with anxiety last weekend and thought it was a one-off but thought about staying home Monday. I pushed myself to go to work convinced I was going to be fine. When Thursday rolled around, I started to become anything but. Today is Friday and I have done nothing but sleep, eat some frozen food, and get up to pee. I have spent the whole day being down on myself thinking I was a piece of trash because, “I can’t get my shit together. I will never be able to work in the real world if I can’t improve my overall health. My success is always so short lived.” 

I felt bad all day because I thought I wasn’t actively participating in self-care I was running away from bad feelings and yes, that is not the way to deal with things, but I have been growing so much and the growing pains I’m experiencing right now are just going to lead to bigger and brighter things. It is OKAY that I took today to do nothing because I really really needed to. 

I will feel like myself again soon. 

#mental health #intern #work #work life balance #self-care #borderline personality disorder #emotional intensity disorder #therapy

[growth-hurts]

[growth-hurts]

Performing (for the first time since COVID happened)

Wow. Last night I had my first performance since COVID engulfed our world and changed every possible interaction we have with each other. When I was in high school all I wanted was the spotlight to show my stuff, but upon learning what the life of an artist is like I decided I needed something with more structure. 4 years later I came to the decision that music therapy was almost tailor made for me. I got to do what I love and help people using my medium (music). Although this means I rarely perform (because although I sing and play for people all day, it is not for praise or applause) it is to facilitate their growth so I am not focused on sounding my best (vocally). I am concentrated on providing enough structure that people can be successful. 

I was really nervous to perform yesterday because I thought I had lost my performance chops. My throat isn’t taken care of like it should be and I felt like recently, it has been showing. Maybe it was the room, maybe it was that I had drunk a beer before while getting ready, maybe it was just me feeling more connected to myself, but I fucking rocked it and I want to reflect on that success.  It is really easy to look at something that didn’t go the way it was supposed to and think of what you could do differently, but I want to take this triumph and look at what I did right! Honestly, I think being a music therapist and only flexing my therapeutic muscles has really helped my performing. I’m not so worried about making mistakes or being the best anymore. Before my turn came I took deep breaths, tried to be in the moment enjoying those who went before me, and when it was my time I just went up and sang. 

I had forgotten what it felt like to just... sing. 

Making music your life can sometimes diminish the love you have for it because what was once a hobby or a coping mechanism becomes a job. It is so important to reconnect with the reason you are doing what you’re doing. I love music. I love to sing. I love to sing for others and with others. I love to make music and I get to do that every single day and HELP people while I’m doing it. It is really special. 

Today my intention is to connect with the music and utilize my passion to help others connect and grow with me. 

#performing #career #singer #self care #music therapy

[growth-hurts]

My job and loss

TW: Death and dying

I’ve worked in health care since I was 16. I was a CNA in a long term care community in the memory care unit, then I worked in a hospital as an aide and now I’m a music therapy intern focusing on the mental aspect of wellness instead of daily cares and physical wellness.  I’ll skip the whole story of finding my career for now because it is not a brief one, but for context, a music therapist is someone who uses purposeful music interventions to reach non-musical goals (think cognitive, physical, emotional, social, communicative, behavioral). We use music because it is non-invasive, motivating, engaging, and more accessible for a lot of people.  Right now I’m in my internship at a long term care facility in my college town. Here there residents range from completely independent to those who need help with almost every part of their day. We see residents who are capable of learning new instruments and communicating freely, to those who are unable to speak or move without assistance, and eventually those who are unresponsive at the end of life. 

Nobody really knows what to expect when being around death. With my background I have seen death both in my work and in my personal life, but each time it hits differently. There are a lot of things that effect the grieving process after an individual dies including your relationship with them. 

About five minutes ago I received a text from my supervisor letting me know one of our residents in the memory care unit died. I knew it was going to happen, I saw him yesterday and I could tell he didn’t have long, I didn’t even know if he would make it through the night.  I’ve only been here for ten weeks, but in the past ten weeks I felt connected to this person. He had very severe dementia but somehow always remembered my name. He can’t remember the names of his daughters or other people he sees every day, but he could remember my name. He was always so happy to see me and my superior when we walked in and he loved music. If I was ever to have a bad day, I knew seeing him would cheer me up.  He changed really fast. I saw him Monday after having a regular week before and he was bed ridden and hallucinating. He wasn’t able to connect with me like before, but by the end of our time together, he remembered my name again. Yesterday my superior and coworker and I went to see him in case we wouldn’t get another chance and we all sang his favorite song together. 

It is hard to put into words what that experience made me feel like, but when we were in there I knew it would be our last time with him. 

This is just another part of my day. I have to find a way to say thank you and goodbye and then continue to help the other people I am here to serve. Because this is not irregular for me and it will be something I continue to experience, I need to work on how to care for myself when this happens.  Right now I’m kind of at a loss, but hopefully I’ll have some new insights soon. 

How do you deal with grief? 

#loss #music therapy #death #self care #career

[growth-hurts]

Working Title

yeah so i’m in my early twenties just finishing my education and beginning my career. i’m a music therapist and getting to this point in my life is one of the hardest things i’ve ever had to do. although i have much more ahead of me, i have experienced trauma, loss, mental illness, and much more that someone my age should really not have gone through yet. 

But I’m not hear to talk about the past. I’m here to talk about what is happening right now. I recently started my journey into mindfulness because it was such a consistent topic in my therapy sessions. I just thought, “okay, for this to really work I have to be committed”. Earlier in my life, even though I knew this was true, I ignored that and would dread my therapy appointments because we were going to be talking about things I didn’t want to think about. At first I went through therapists like kleenex, but then I took a long break. I continued to see a psychiatrist who wasn’t right for me and had me on the wrong meds until I had a really adverse reaction to medicines mixing together.  After that I switched psychiatrist, got a more accurate diagnosis and was put on appropriate medicine. Not only did my psychiatrist make sure that I was on medicine that worked for me, but he truly wanted to treat my disorder NOT just my symptoms. This was the first health care professional who really tried to see me as a whole person and I’m so glad that happened. 

Although I’ve been through my fair share of difficulties- and there are/will be more- I am so grateful for them because I have truly started to evolve into the person I’ve wanted to become. I’m starting this blog for the person I was years ago. I want to offer help to those who need it. I want to show that even though I am happy where I am, I still have so much room to grow. 

And so do you. 

#introduction