gregoryoliverdaniels

[gregoryoliverdaniels]

[gregoryoliverdaniels]

Update Time! Milo is doing 'ok' :)

Milo Meremoth is doing okay. He got his nails did. He got his asthma shot, too. He's been eating a bit more so he gained some weight which is great because before he was just losing a lot of weight.

Chuck says he might make it 1-3 years at most.

He is definitely a remarkable cat whom I love very, very, very much. Well, as much as I'm capable of loving someone or something.

Family is important to me.

I think I've been so lost for so long I forgot I had family who did invite me to things but I'd turn down & complain no one loves me. While people don't really reach out, I stopped a while back because I just got tired of trying.

I think everyone did at some point.

But I do know people care in their own ways even if it's not a way I understand.

I don't hate many people. My heart hates existing instead of living but I don't hate anyone really anymore. However, I do dislike certain people because they hurt me badly. They betrayed my trust & they hurt those I care for including myself. They are forgiven in the sense that I need to move on past the PTSD. Someday, I'll get there but for now, I'm just lost in my own head maze.

I don't really reach out to people who I think just don't need me in their life. I also don't reach out to people who hurt me. I reach out to people I can trust enough to reply back.

I know some people want me to reach out more. I'm just not ready yet to do such a thing. Right now, I'm not at a place where I'm good for most people. I want to get to a better state of being before I reach out to those who need me in their lives. If not, then so be it. I'll move on to those who do. If no one does, I'll just exit stage left & start fresh in life somewhere new. Reinvent myself from scratch.

Regardless, insanity is when you continue doing the same damned thing expecting different results. Whether it be settling for someone who doesn't love you or not loving yourself enough to really shine brightly.

I don't claim to know much. I'm not a very bright person. Very slow & ignorant of this world but I do know that insanity isn't something worth committing to.

I do care a lot which I need to balance out. I shouldn't care less or not at all but care more about the things that need caring about & desensitizing myself from the things I shouldn't care about & just letting poor dogs lie.

This Update is to celebrate Family & Friends & other Loved Ones.

Milo is doing okay. I'm truly grateful for that. I hope everyone is doing well, stay safe on your journeys.

[gregoryoliverdaniels]

The foundation of loneliness is caring too much about everything & everyone. To abandon that care is near impossible without killing your humanity, thus sealing your loneliness's tomb. But if you work on caring less about the right things & people, you'll find yourself with a whole new world to explore. But the key is: You.

[gregoryoliverdaniels]

I didn't have a social life really ever growing up. I had plushies. They were all I had really for comfort. I had sleeping issues back then. I needed more hugs & affection. I was always by myself & the few times I had friends it wasn't always the greatest memories I have but some were. I think that's average, you meet some good & bad eggs. But for the most part, I spent all my time with my Legos & toys & making up DBZ-based storylines that I wish I could've written down somewhere but even if I did, that info is lost.

My dad got rid of most of my plushies & toys. Joe Tully got rid of my Lego sets & used the very low proceeds for beer money.

My childhood died a long time ago by then but, "Women would never date a man with plushies." My dad said. Joe just didn't "have the space" for them.

I got plushies not too long ago. Even one recently that has a detachable head. I am going to buy more when I'm settled in my new apartment.

I think grown adults are allowed to have what they want with the money they earn & as long as it's not hurting anyone if you want to judge them then have some fudge, because I don't judge without my fudge. <3

#plushies

[gregoryoliverdaniels]

Feeling like shit. If you're also feeling like shit, I hope whatever pain you're in eases. I hope if you feel like nothing matters even if you try everyday that you soon see your reward. I hope if you feel like you're never enough, you find that you got this. If you feel like no one loves you or likes you or even understands you that you know I'm always here feeling like that too.

No matter what. No one should feel so alone like how I feel a lot. If you're looking for love I hope they find you soon.

I want to give up right now. I don't know what is keeping me here anymore. I don't really know what to fight for anymore. I don't know what to do. I'm so lost right now. Anyone out there might feel hopeless & helpless too. But for whatever treason God won't let us die yet.

People are often left to happiness by finding a purpose in life. Usually a career or retirement. Where you have very few obligations & finances should be well off enough to hopefully compensate.

But some people just want one thing & it's just impossible to be found. Sometimes people don't have happy endings. I've seen a lot or tragedies personally. Very unhappy people. People who can't convince me that they're happy & usually aren't by how much they complain or how they never smile like they used to.

Then they die.

I think the main reason I'm unhappy is I'm lonely because I'm unique in that I have a ton of flaws & very little else. I have no strengths & many weaknesses. I generally don't get along with anyone & people distance themselves from me & are happier as a result. To say people don't care is false. But to say how lonely it feels to be loved but not liked by the majority of people in my life I just feel like what's the point? I have no one to really talk to about stuff that no one can help me with.

I hope no one ever feels as alone as I do. Every day.

[gregoryoliverdaniels]

[Rant] [Ramble] Why...?

I can't sleep. My mind won't shut off.

I think my next big purchase via my new job (Thx Moist for the idea) I will spend 2 paychecks on bills & Savings then my next 2 paychecks after that will be towards a drawing tablet with screen because I need that for how my brain works with drawing.

If it makes sense to you, did you also suffer from learning how to type on a keyboard?

I failed miserably at it. They wouldn't let you look at the keys & made you go too fast so I just gave up eventually because that was just pointless. What actually taught me how to type was people yelling at me because of how I type.

I've learned over the years no one cares about details unless it interests you or concerns your morbid curiosity. Maybe you enjoy bad writing that goes on for too long of a ramble or rant. Maybe you like rants or rambles.

All I know is, I'm not Andy Rooney or George Carlin. I am not a comedian. So I think I'll just draw how I feel after I get the tablet.

You ever feel alone? Like, completely isolated? Where you just have nothing but yourself? You can't rely on anyone. You can't really depend on anyone. Everyone's always busy whenever you need them most so you just suffer from panic attacks or insufferable mood swings because you know you're trying but it is a very hard pill to swallow that is the truth that you don't belong here. Something is seriously alarming at how this isn't right. None of this is. Everyone is suffering & I just help cause it. I just, I don't know who to really talk to anymore. I've pushed so many people away. I'm never going to find someone. No one wants me as soon as they get to know me. As hard as I try to be a good person all I do is fail & let everyone down all the time. I relapse constantly. Once my cat dies, I'll have nothing. I'm never going to see my God Kids & I'm never going to find someone for me. Just one person is all I ever asked for & I can't obtain it because I'll never be good enough for anyone. I'll never find someone who loves me for me & wants what I want. No one is going to fight for me. No one is going to be there for me. And that truth is horrifying.

All I ever wanted was a family. It causes my heart to ache knowing she's not out there. She never existed in any timeline. Whether it be past lives or different timelines of my life I'll never know.

The future is so bleak I just see no point in living or trying anymore.

I just feel like there's no point. Nothing seems to improve. Humanity is so slow at realizing their potential & just fucks off into shit.

Each generation is being traumatized & desensitized almost if automated for the sake of exploit or just human nature idk I am just guessing on how constant it appears in every fucking human generation for some reason it's just so maddening.

I ask for one thing. A family of my own. I want one person to share my life with. All I ask. I don't feel love anymore. I can't feel much for people. I don't feel anything when people hug me. I don't feel anything at all. Just pain. I know people are supposed to be green flags & revealing all of this is a huge red flag but have you ever felt hopeless and helpless? Just lost? Completely unsure of really what to do if there's no point in staying alive if nothing good happened in the past, nothing good happens in the present, nothing good will most likely and by that I mean 10000% will suck & humanity is probably doomed finally for the infinitive time due to humans literally Loraxing themselves I just don't see the point.

I fail to see the point. I fail to see any point if I'm not allowed to be happy. Why am I here?

#personal rant

[gregoryoliverdaniels]

[gregoryoliverdaniels]

Life is just, so lonely.

Why is wanting to be happy such an impossibly unrewarding journey all the time?

Why can't you just do your best & that's all that matters in the end? Why do I have to keep failing? Why do I have to keep learning that I'll never be enough?

Why can't things just change for the better, already? Haven't I done my time?

[gregoryoliverdaniels]

A Poem of Loss & Freedom

"She's gone in a way. In a way? Perhaps, in the sense that the concept of her died because when it comes right down to it, I deluded myself into believing in her being a real person but she was always simply a lost idea running around in my head trying to convince me she exists somewhere out there beyond my reach & I've wasted brilliant years of my life so focused on that idea that someone out there exists solely for me but I just had to keep the thought of what she means to me, alive.

But in all reality, she had to die. The thought that she was a possibility that motivated me for years to find someone who simply never existed & will never exist had to be either killed or had to die when I died. But to force her existence had to end too.

She was never real to begin with. So it's not really a true death. She was only a dream that I foolishly chased after for far too long...

She's gone now in the way that Santa Claus died. I mourn her loss because the thought that somewhere out there I had someone waiting for me to love me the whole long hard way through, but that's not important.

What's important is that I can move on. I can desensitize these emotions & feelings. I can willingly give up & move past this concept of entitlement that I entertained for years over.

Some people don't find love. That's as factual as it gets. Some people don't. They die either too young or it just never works out. Countless people have died alone never knowing what love feels like.

Some die knowing what it was like. But last night, I mourn the loss of the concept of finding someone.

I'll be fine. I've lived here on this rock for a very tedious amount of time. I'll be too old to enjoy a partner by the time it'll supposedly happen. But it won't. That hope, faith, & motivation died tonight.

She was never real. She was just a dream. It was all just a fantasy that was too good to be true & it truly was..."

[gregoryoliverdaniels]

My Suicide Attempt was valid & I won't feel bad about it.

Often, when people tried to make me feel bad for my suicide attempt, I think about how little they understand me or care about me.

My story is considered pointless to so many people out there. But not Robin Williams.

He had it all & still, he lost his fight. No one would make him feel bad if he had survived.

But me? There are those who would make fun of my plight & not show the same empathy I'd show to anyone, not just Robin Williams.

He's my favorite example of how toxic people can be with mental health.

People try to say that I have so much to live for & shame me for my wrongdoings, but if I was Robin Williams they wouldn't dare try that stunt. He literally had way more than me & still lost the will to live. They say he was sick. Well, so am I.

To compare people's stories is wrong. Your life isn't special. Just because you don't have the same things as others doesn't mean your plight isn't valid.

People have tried to show that they want me alive but then tell me I should feel shame for being at my weakest.

The difference between those people & me is I know what it's like to lose everything that matters to you & I'd still try to cheer you up & not make you feel like a total dumbass for losing all hope & meaning in life to the point where you almost lose the fight.

Because life is one giant fight for people with mental illness. I wish more people would treat each other better & themselves too.

Just because your life sucks doesn't mean you have the right to be shitty to others, however. Because you're not special & you're not entitled to being shitty just because you're miserable. It's okay to have bad days but don't take it out on someone being a friend.

I have plenty of support now. I didn't always have that. In fact, I rarely had people fighting in my corner growing up. It was very rare for someone to stand up to someone for me when I couldn't. It's becoming less rare that people would do that & not treat me poorly because of my past mistakes & regrets.

I just want to be happy so I can die happily.

For the record, I don't regret my attempt. I don't consider it a mistake. I don't feel bad for it & I refuse to feel any shame for it.

If you do, then go ahead & leave. Because that's never going to change. I will never look back & feel shame for something like that. I may not love myself enough, but that much I do know wasn't a matter of doing wrong or fault. I was in so much pain & I did what I felt at the time when I was at my weakest. I had no faith in anything. I had lost any hope of having a positive future. I was in a rut for so many years & going downhill was just constant. People misunderstood everything I said & I felt completely isolated from this world. It felt like I didn't belong here at all. I had friends but I missed my family more. I had no one to hug me & talk me out of it. Even if they did I was beyond a point where I'd care.

It doesn't matter how many meds I'm on or off of. It doesn't matter if my life is the best or worst. What matters is I'm not at that point anymore but it was a valid attempt. No one is ever going to convince me that a miserable life is worth living. But what I learned was, it doesn't always have to be miserable, either.

I don't envy the living. I admire the dead. I want to reach some goals in life to see if it's even possible to be happy in life or not. Either way, it'll be a short life I think & I'm fine with that. I don't want to live forever. I just want to die knowing I did something in this life to make my family proud. I already did that. So, I'm just waiting till I die but as I'm waiting, I have many more things to do before I'm worm food.

I'm learning that mental illness sucks, but it's not the end of the world. I'm still able to do things in life, I may not have a lot of time but I have plenty to change my life around enough to make ways for a better plane of existence. Where I can say I'm not just existing but actually living life. Because I can't give up until I draw my last breath. Only then am I allowed to give up. Till then, I'm living for those like Robin Williams & my family & friends who moved on. But also myself & those in the now with me.

Never make someone feel bad for something like that. Shame on you. Let people be happy by not being an entitled selfish poop.

Because all in all, nothing matters. So that means we're free to do what we can to make life better for ourselves & each other by making our own.

[gregoryoliverdaniels]

Family is...

When my dad was alive we didn't have the most stable of relationships between a father & his adopted son.

For years I was taught by everyone to hate & fear him. He wasn't great in an argument & as a teen that made me resent & hate him despite always being considered such a kind man by others who didn't really know my mother who made everyone hate him.

My aunt told me many things. I don't know how much is true anymore by any of the adults in my life minus my uncle.

But he was kind. When my aunt told me about him & my mother I learned to love him a lot more again like I did when I was a kid.

He was an intelligent man but not a wise man.

When he got depressed he would tune me out & focus on the news. I hate the news for many reasons but that was a big part of it.

We had a few fights & it went too far one night. But we grew closer knowing we could lose each other.

I got along better when my aunt was around us.

That was my family for a few years. We got along swimmingly for the most part. I was going through a lot in my own world, though but I truly was happier around that time without really realizing it.

I had 2 whole years where my dad & I got along amazingly. I wasn't around when he passed. I wasn't around when my aunt passed. I hope to be around when Milo Meremoth passes but I can't control that, I gather.

I don't like calling people family because it feels wrong. I only consider people family if they keep in touch & support me & love me & I've found that in others. I miss my real family. I can't replace them but I can't substitute them with people I don't know anything about.

I don't like favorites. It gets messy. Best friends, close friends, family, it all gets so exhausting to listen to people get annoyed by it.

I'll never be able to have a family of my own because I am just not compatible with anyone out there. No one is going to walk into my life & offer me that opportunity.

But if I did have a family, I'd smile a lot more. Maybe wear some nicer clothes for a change. Like more lumberjack shirts as I call them lol

Life is shorter for some. Longer for others. But all the same, very limited if you focus on the wrong things to focus on.

All I know is, I have people I love. That's all of you.

[gregoryoliverdaniels]

Rambling on

Can you imagine a universe where you're free?

There is a theory that you are living your best life in a whole spectrum of universes. Not in all of them. But there is one where you're happy even if the universe feels wrong.

Maybe you'll never be free in this universe but that doesn't matter because you're still here to make a difference in your own lives & in other people's lives.

Nothing matters in the end because that's the motto of the multiverse. But therein lies the beauty of it all. As long as you're still able to exist you can ultimately change that. Maybe not now but eventually things can happen. You're not on one set path. You're constantly on various paths all at the same time but at different speeds based on so many variables. Because of how time works you are constantly out of the present & plunged into the future for there is no real present for it's only a moment then it's gone.

You can do it.

Because you're not on a set path. You can forge your own. Right now. Even if it doesn't work out now or later, somewhere, there is a happy you. But that also means there is a worse you. Then there are just a lot of weird or normal yous. But normal is abstract in this case.

So rejoice, nothing matters so you can be who you want to be.

[gregoryoliverdaniels]

The Seeds of Destruction: DOUBT

The destruction began when the seeds of darkness were planted in the backs of the innocent.

The darkness began to grow but the girl realized what she was becoming & sought a remedy to cure her disease.

The destruction became idle for the innocent never suspect anything for they are too simple to fend for themselves or seek one another.

The seeds of doubt were killed during a harsh winter breeze. The girl was free from this burden & so was her sister.

Their bonds grew & they abandoned the woods where Destruction resided.

The destruction continued in idling until many moons more.

The sisters nodded quietly to the destruction & went on their way back home to the meadows where they lived their lives with greater experience & knowledge for their futures.

One grew up to up to be a scientist. The other became a senator.

[gregoryoliverdaniels]

[gregoryoliverdaniels]

Baby Clifford & baby Snoopy

[gregoryoliverdaniels]

Rant After Work

Why can't some songs just be like 7 mins long? Sometimes you get lost & then you're just thrown on yer bum.

Would they sound better? Idk with the right intermissions you can make anything sound good if you put the right effort into what needs to be done to make it better but maybe some songs shall just remain too short & sweet.

But idk I miss Andy Rooney. His rants were legendary...

[gregoryoliverdaniels]

Happy New Year's, if I don't say it by then...

FYI I ate a 3Shroom Mushroom Burger & mashed potatoes.

I need to get groceries Thur or Fri.

I'm going to start buying groceries from a local store instead of Shoprite.

But I'm planning on cooking more meals & bringing them in for work & also remembering to bring a thermos to work.

I need to start saving up money not spending it on that shit.

I got access to a microwave just need utensils which I think I have some in my car? I'll check tomorrow before work.

My new schedule has been observantly Wonkalicious. Where I've just been too tired to do literally anything. I had a chat with my cousin who assures me at some point it'll click & I'll find my schedule that works for me.

I will hopefully be spending Sunday with my Uncle & gang.

I don't know if this is the last post I make before the new year but if it is:

1) I love you all for being there for me. Thank you, it means a lot. 2) Being patient with me helps. I'm doing my best within the means that I'm doing them. My dad used to say that's all that should matter as long as I'm doing my best. I think with trauma that's harder but I'm managing better. 3) I hope you stay safe, of yourself & those around you. Being kind helps. Being patient & understanding, compassionate, empathetic, etc helps tremendously for people like me & I wish you the grandest of new years next year in 2024!!!

I strongly believe something is going to happen next year that will be globally & huge. I've been sensing it for ages now. But something is going to change. I'm not the only one who senses this but next year I predict will change the world as we know it. Normally, my predictions aren't wrong but sometimes I think they can be kind of. But if my theories are correct it should matter that on the trajectory that the world's been going in as of late, it could go either way. Good or Bad. I've seen the world at its ugliest & at its kindest. I've seen how the rich live & I've seen how the poor exist. I've been in the middle too. I've seen many things over the years. I've lived through historical times that will be written about in the appropriate history books...

I choose to have faith. I choose to hold onto hope that things are not over because for someone like me, we've barely got started.

I pray to no deity but I pray for the health reasons for everyone to be safe no matter what happens. Good or Bad.

May the fortune be with all of thee.

Happy New Year's if I don't make a post then or before then.

<3 From here at my cell block 6G, Milo Meremoth & I wish you a very Happy New Year's when the time arrives on schedule.

Be grateful for what you haven't lost yet & cherish every moment you spend with those you choose to love or care about. Make sure it's mutual. Make sure it's consensual. Make sure it makes you happier. Because at the end of the day, no one is going to save you. You have to climb out of that hole. You may hit bedrock a few times trying to climb out but it's not impossible if you're still here & able.

Never give up. Never surrender. Be wise & be smart. Open your mind to all the possibilities of infinity...

Take care & be safe, everyone. Cheers!