fraidofnoghost

[fraidofnoghost]

i should have posted this a week ago but words have been hard. i just feel lost. 

i haven’t updated in ages and that’s because my emotions have been all over the place. i was so excited about the prospect of having what i wanted most in life finally. and then it was gone just like that. again. 

this makes four. 

four lives lost before they even began. 

i dont know why i thought it would be different this time, but i really did hope that i’d never have to experience this pain with austin. i wanted to believe things could always be perfect. that if i got pregnant with him it would just be the start of something magical. but that wasn’t the case this time. beginning to think i may never be a mum. but at least i still have him, that’s more than i ever had before. it doesn’t make the pain any easier, but it’s been comforting having that solid support. he really is the best thing that’s ever happened to me. 

#miscarriage mention

[fraidofnoghost]

i hate to get annoyed by such little things but what is the point of announcing that you haven’t listened to something and then refusing to listen when someone offers you suggestions? i just? don’t get it? do you want a gold star for being willfully ignorant towards art? cus you’re not getting it from me

[fraidofnoghost]

oh that is old isn’t it? hmmm i suppose i should update this. we’re on better terms now, me and remy. that was about him. things have changed since then but i still kind of keep him at arms length. don’t tell him that. i love him. i do. i just... i’m afraid that he’s going to do something terrible and i’ll be left lost in the aftermath. 

[fraidofnoghost]

lie a little more, that’s what you’re good at. 

[fraidofnoghost]

lying to the world is one thing. but lying to family is unacceptable. i dont have the energy for this 

[fraidofnoghost]

there’s a lot going on in my head at any given moment, so sitting down and thinking about certain thoughts is hard work. like.... i told austin yesterday it’s like when you see those cartoons of sheep jumping for counting, but each sheep is a thought, and they’re jumping so fast and i’m not good at numbers. i dont understand where this has come from, it’s like my mental space was great and functioning and now it’s slowly going downhill and slowly deteriorating. but i’m still in a good place at the same time. 

i think it’s because of the detoxing. i got off the pills, i got off the caffeine, i haven’t had more than a couple drinks in ages. i just... i keep getting scared that my head’s going to go back to where it was before i started the pills. i think that having someone in my life like austin is is keeping me grounded though. i always felt like i had fucked up before. like i had messed up everything, like it was all my fault. everything caused my anxiety to spiral out of control. but i haven’t felt like that with austin. i’ve had a few moments where i was able to tell him that i felt like i wasn’t doing something right or i had made a mistake or something like that. 

life is still so good. there’s so much happening, so much about to change. we got our new house in england, we’re getting ready to get a new house in utah, we’ve been talking more and more about our future together. i really don’t think that i could be happier than i am right now. 

[fraidofnoghost]

i never know what to say here anymore. i used to talk here because i felt like i couldn’t talk anywhere else but i don’t have that problem anymore. i’ve never felt more like i could talk to someone than i do right now. 

things have been up and down lately. we had our first real.... i wouldn’t call it an argument. but a negative moment. last night. but the good thing was how fast we got through it and how strong we came out at the end. 

i promised to try and stop masking so much. that’s something i’ve been telling myself for years, but it feels different saying it out loud. like maybe i’ll have some form of accountability there. and i know that he’s the one that i can trust for that. 

unrelated, but being in england has been so great. i missed it here. we bought a house. i’m in love with it. i know we already moved in together in LA but getting a house that we’re talking about our future with? wow that’s magical feeling, isn’t it? we’ve also picked out a couple to go look at in utah when we get back to the states. 

this is the happiest i’ve ever felt. even on the less than perfect days, i’ve still never felt this good about life. i don’t know how things have worked out the way they have, but i’m so grateful. 

[fraidofnoghost]

two days. two days from now i’ll be getting ready to go home for the first time in 8 months. it’s kind of karmic that we’re watching harry potter this week, because I think about that and my first thought is “I’m not going home, not really” i’ve got a new home now. 

but i really fucking miss my family. i’m so excited to see my little mole bean and see how much she’s grown. i can’t wait to hug mum and dad, tackle toby and bells, introduce austin to everyone. it’s going to be weird being there for a whole month when I don’t think I’ve been there that long for ages. but a good sort of weird. when heathrow reopens in a month, we’ll be ready to come back to our house our home. it’s all so magical and i don’t know how to react to any of it. 

i’m excited. that’s it. that’s all i know

[fraidofnoghost]

mother’s day has never really hit like this before. it’s not even mother’s day for me. but there’s something about today that made the pain so real. i feel like i’ve been essentially a mime on the dash today which is so unlike me. but i don’t know how to cope right now. something about being in a position where i can see a future that involves kids, makes the knowledge that having them is such an unlikely event so much more painful. and seeing everyone celebrating their mums or their kids is so bittersweet. i love seeing it. but it stings so harshly that that’s not something that i expect to actually get to experience. i hope i do. but i don’t know if it’s even likely. i’ve lost too many already. it doesn’t feel like a reality that i’m meant to live. maybe i’ll learn to live with the reality that i’ve been given. 

[fraidofnoghost]

alright let’s do this thing. it’s update time. you know. that update i promised a month ago. let’s see if i can do this in chronological order, since i’ve missed so much since the seizure and theres a lot to talk about. 

recovering from that was a lot. it was a mental challenge i wasn’t prepared for. it didn’t feel like anything at first. but then after a few days, i had that realisation of - holy fuck, florence, you could have died if austin wasn’t there. which i know he had that realisation right away, but i don’t think i’ve ever been good at realising when things are serious when it applies to me. i’ve a little bit of an invincible mindset. which i know is a fatal flaw. but that really took a blow to it. i find myself hesitating now before even joking about death. which was something i never did before. 

being in the hotel has been so lovely. it’s a great change of pace and it’s nice to be able to see my friends daily if i want to. i’m worried about a couple of them, but those are their stories to tell. 

things with austin have been amazing. it’s like i just keep learning more and more than he’s actually perfect. he does things that no man has ever done. he accepts things that no man ever would. not like minor things or sexual things. we’re not even there. i mean like... things that would have caused real fights or things that would have caused tension in past relationships. it’s just part of our life and he accepts it. he’s the most nurturing soul and i don’t think i’d be functioning nearly this well without him. 

i’ve said it before. but i don’t know if i’ve ever put it here. i really came into this year prepared to trust no one. i was going to tackle anything life threw at me alone. i wasn’t going to do a relationship. i was going to go back to who i was when i was 16 - 20. and it just blows my mind to think how far i’ve come mentally since new years. since he looked my way. 

i’m not in the best place mentally right now, but theres plenty of distractions and happy things to keep me from falling into that darkness. but for the first time in my life, i’ve reached that point that my body is attacking me, my brain is joining in, and i know that i have a safety net. i know that if i need to fall, i can fall. i know that i’ll be safe. and that life isn’t going to fall apart.

it’s a good feeling, even with the cloud hanging overhead. 

[fraidofnoghost]

fuck i didn’t even realise i’ve not posted here since the seizure. i feel like it kind of fucked up something in my head. but not so bad that it’s actually effecting things you know? i’ve just had no concept of time since then. i’ll post something soon. a lot has happened. 

[fraidofnoghost]

i’ve officially ticked every box except for detachment from reality

though i suppose i wouldn’t know if i had hit that point would i? 

#drug mention

[fraidofnoghost]

today was.... 

not good. 

i avoided being hospitalized so that was a plus. but i also scared the shit out of austin and out of myself really. waking up to strangers fitting you with an oxygen mask and being told you should at least be checked for a concussion is scary as shit. he swears he couldn’t find a pulse. this whole withdrawal thing is fucking with me so bad. 

but here’s hoping that was the summit. if that was the worst of it then it’s a downhill journey from here. and soon i’ll have more people around that love me and that i can lean on. it’ll be like having a little family together. maybe i’ll tell the others. i dunno. i dont even know if i’ll tell my own family. 

[fraidofnoghost]

I told you I'm a pussy didn't I?

I thought about it. I really did. I toyed with the idea, I went over the pros and cons, I even thought about what I could say.

"I've been thinking... I mean... mum called you know? she's not fond of the idea. and she kinda made some good points."

Mum loves Austin. she thinks he's the best boyfriend I've ever had. she's right. I could have done it with dad. but dad isn't that involved. he's always been very about supporting us in everything we want to do. and austin knows that. of course I could lie. I could. I know I should. you've really got my life and reputation in your hands haven't you. you're not the people to upset. but... I can't.

he's not in a good place mentally. he keeps second guessing himself and keeps having these days where he's scared of things going wrong. apologizing for things that aren't his fault. worrying that he's done something wrong when there was honestly nothing he could have done wrong. and I don't want to be at the base of that. I don't want to cause that.

I can't do it. I can't hurt him. I don't know what the punishment for not doing a dare is but I'll take whatever cards I'm dealt this round. anything else. anyone else. just. don't hurt him.

#lhq.task #//don't fucking look at me she has a mind of her own I TRIED

[fraidofnoghost]

🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰

just want to keep this for the happy thoughts

[fraidofnoghost]

haven’t been sick today. i’m calling that a step in the right direction. 

have had a headache most of the day. but that’s the worst of it. i know that this isn’t over, but it feels nice to have a nice day of calm in the midst of this self inflicted storm. 

[fraidofnoghost]

everything hurts. i can’t sleep. i’m so tired. i want to sleep. i can’t even close my eyes. it hurts???? closing my eyes hurts. why???? my whole body hurts. i guess my eyes hurting is just an extension? lmao rip. i feel so cold. i’m sweating like mad. i feel so cold. i suppose i’m probably running a fever but i wouldn’t know where a thermometer is and i dont trust myself to get up. 

i hate this. 

it’ll be worth it i know. 

but i hate it.