fansxdom

[fansxdom]

It was one of those nights: the peaceful ones where both King and Court Warlock could shed their titles and just exist as two friends sharing cups of wine beside a fire. Both were silent as they nursed their drinks and basked in the dim lighting the fire provided Arthur’s dark chambers.

Merlin was lying across the floor on top of countless pillows and blankets, parallel to the hearth of the fireplace. His feet were bare as he had kicked off his boots hours earlier and the cords of his tunic were pulled extremely loose. Merlin’s legs were crossed one over the other as one hand played with a lock of his own hair as the other blindly traced the engravings of his goblet.

Arthur was sat his chair above Merlin, facing the fire and looking down at the peaceful man. He was glad that Merlin’s eyes were closed because it allowed the King to openly stare. For someone who was regarded to be so aware of everything all of the time - Merlin has not once ever cottoned on to Arthur’s gaze on him. In a way, it was reassuring that Arthur didn’t have to fear being caught by the very man he was observing. But it another way it was far too frustrating: Arthur nearly wanted to be caught and then in turn be forced to admit his reasons for staring.

For the Goddess’ sake, how could Arthur not look anywhere but Merlin with the man lying so enchantingly in front of him, doused in the golden light of the flames?

How could he lay his eyes elsewhere when nothing and no one else brought him nearly as much happiness and fulfilment in his heart than Merlin?

How could he when Merlin was everything that he loved?

The nearly empty goblet rested on his lap with his hands encircling the rim, it would be stupid to say it.

“Merlin?” Arthur broke their silence.

Merlin hummed in response, he didn’t move nor open his eye, but the tone of his voice easily told Arthur that he was listening.

“I’m in love with you.” Oh, fuck.

The body in front of him stilled. Merlin’s hand retracted from his hair as he slowly sat up. Arthur couldn’t tell you when the Warlock’s eyes had opened but he could give you a thousand words at least on what it felt like to be under their unending gaze. Merlin didn’t look away from Arthur as he got to his feet and came to stand in front of his King.

Merlin might not have ever been aware of when Arthur’s eyes were on him - but Arthur was far too aware of Merlin’s piercing stare. The King averted his eyes and stared down at the lingering mouthful of wine in his cup, listening to Merlin’s few footsteps.

A hand slid underneath Arthur’s jaw and half cupped the side of his face: hesitantly, Arthur let himself be guided to look up at Merlin. Had it been anyone else, this would have been so dangerous - to willing put his heart and mind at risk by giving someone else so much control over him would have been a death wish if it were anyone else.

Yet this was Merlin, the one person in his life that he would faithfully trust the world with to the ends of time.

It was sad eyes that Arthur saw. Not angry. Not disgusted. Not hurt, or even happy. Sad, sad, eyes that Arthur would nearly say were brokenhearted.

Merlin sighed with a pained and defeated expression. “Not again.”

“What?” Arthur felt his breath catch in his throat.

Merlin smiled with a soft pain, his thumb stroked over Arthur cheek as he said, “You don’t love me, Arthur.”

“I- I do.” Arthur stammered, he hadn’t anticipated out right refusal, denial and disbelief as an outcome. “I do love you, Merlin.”

Merlin swallows and seemed to choke back tears.

“No, Arthur, you don’t.” He repeated. “This is a love enchantment, this has happened before. You aren’t in love with me.”

The words were far too rehearsed, Merlin’s expression too knowing and understanding. Arthur felt like a petulant child being gently corrected on the truth. Had this really happened before? Had Arthur been enchanted to be in love with Merlin before?

“Merlin, I know my feelings, please believe me.” Arthur begged in futile.

“I don’t think you realise how badly I want to, but I can’t.”

Arthur’s eyes widened at Merlin’s confession - even though the feelings were reciprocated, Arthur was still being rejected - but he saw it. He saw all of the held back and restrained love Merlin held in his eyes for Arthur. He finally was bearing witness to Merlin’s affection, only because the Warlock was allowing him to.

“Is it really so unbelievable that I love you that you are convinced my mind is under the control of a spell of potion?”

“I know you love me - in the way friends love one another, brothers even.” Merlin stressed, his words clearly hurting himself. “But you don’t love me the way I want you to, you never have and you never will.”

“You do want me to love you like this?” Arthur countered.

Merlin closed his eyes and shakily let out a sob, his hands ran from Arthur’s jaw and face, around the King’s neck and weakly grasped at the back of Arthur’s head. He pressed his face into Arthur’s hair, Arthur pulled Merlin in closer and strung his arms around the Warlock’s waist and back: he could feel Merlin weep.

“You won’t remember this conversation, you never have, so why not?” Merlin muttered with a bitterness that surprised the King. “I have loved you for years, Arthur, what I feel for you goes beyond the devotion of prophecy and bond of friendship. I’ve always known that you will never feel the same.”

How his heart ached on the verge of breaking: Merlin loved him. He was in love with Arthur. He felt the same as Arthur but clearly awful past experiences that Arthur cannot remember are preventing him from acting on the truth.

Arthur tried to speak but was cut off before he could even utter a syllable.

“No, Arthur, please stop.” Merlin said, slipping out of Arthur embrace. He looked so guilty.

Merlin believed Arthur not to be in control of his mind and actions, he believed Arthur to be susceptible to anything. Though Merlin was nowhere near the kind of person to take advantage of someone under the influence of something mind altering. Even though this ‘supposed potion or enchantment’ was giving him what the Warlock wanted, Merlin still held back and refused.

Even such a simple embrace, the kind of embrace that was becoming more commonly between them as the years progressed seemed to wreck so much regret through the man - Arthur wanted to shake him and scream at how wrong Merlin was: that he could and was consenting to any any hold or touch Merlin could or would give him.

Arthur stood up and met Merlin far too closely. Their faces were mere inches apart, dangerously so. The King saw how badly Merlin wanted to give in, he could see the arguments and thought process that Merlin was going through.

His hand hovered over the side of Merlin’s face as leaned in closer.

“Don’t.”

He froze.

“You’re not in the right state of mind.” Merlin breathed out, more for his own sake than Arthur’s.

Arthur hand fell to his side but he didn’t move away.

“Please tell me how I can prove my honesty.” He asked.

Merlin looked down with resignation and then turned away to the doors.

“Come, Sire, follow me.” Merlin murmured as he left.

He hadn’t called Arthur ‘Sire’ in years, not even in heated arguments did Merlin enforce that distance between them. It spoke tales to Arthur on how hurt his best friend was. He dashed after Merlin, it wasn’t hard to follow the sound of weary footsteps.

They were heading for Merlin’s laboratory. Arthur caught up with broken hearted Warlock and joined their hands together - Merlin allowed it.

Met with the smell of dodgy potions, old books, strong herbs, ash and numerous other smells that Arthur had grown familiar with associating with Merlin’s experiments, Arthur saw and felt Merlin relax slightly. They were on his ground now, they followed his rules.

Arthur let go of Merlin’s hand and took his chair that he always sat in when observing Merlin work.

“You stare a lot.” Merlin said as he leafed through shelves of bottles - no doubt searching for a cure-all potion that he had concocted in earlier years.

“I always have, you’ve just never noticed.” Arthur replied honestly.

Merlin sighed for the thousandth time that hour and stood up straight and returned to Arthur, bottle in hand. It was a small vial with opaque pink liquid filling less than a third of the bottle. He stood on the other side of the work bench and handed over the vial of anti-serum.

Wordlessly and without hesitation Arthur uncorked the bottle and drank his mouthful. Setting down the bottle, he leaned closer to Merlin, head propped up by his elbow, hand under chin, staring at Merlin patiently.

The Warlock also leaned closer, gold creeping into his eyes without a single incantation as he analysed Arthur’s reaction to the potion. The world seemed to hold its breath as it waited for the two men to get onto the same page.

“Well, am I really under an enchantment?” Arthur asked after a very long pause.

Merlin’s mouth fell open as his brow and eyes once again creased into tears.

“No… You aren’t.” Merlin managed to say, covering his face as he cried.

Arthur stood up and joined Merlin on the other side of the workbench. He pulled the shocked and relieved and sobbing Warlock into another hug. Both holding onto each other equally tight.

“I love you, Merlin.” Arthur promised his Warlock firmly.

[fansxdom]

One of my favorite merthur scenes is Merlin’s “I didn’t want you to feel that you were alone” and it’s so beautiful for so many reasons, but what I don’t see ever mentioned is the moments right after Arthur opens the doors. Merlin doesn’t look at Arthur or give any indication he’s awake until he says Merlin’s name.

I think it’s so special because he’s giving Arthur the choice of what he wants to do. He can leave Merlin there and be alone or he can ‘wake him up’ and have a friend. He knows Arthur might not want to engage with anyone after an entire night spent with his deceased father. It’s a beautiful, understated act of consideration, love, and empathy.

[fansxdom]

reblogging for the merlin fics so i can find them again and read them again after exams

Can I ask your top 10 fav fics ever (from any fandom, if you don't mind)?

Also, just curious, is there a story behind your name "that-nerd-who-writes-fanfiction "?

Top 10 fics, in no particular order, (these are all complete, in English and most have just a touch of angst. Also there’s no smut, it’s just not something I enjoy reading)

things lost in the fire by earlgreylover98

ALTA fic In which Zuko isn't sure Ozai knows which side of his face he burnt off and it sends him spiraling, the gaang finds out about his scar. It's a super great one shot, 5,067 words

Drinking Buddies and Diaries by dove_dove

Good Omens fic where Muriel reads Aziraphel’s diaries and Crowley finds out some stuff about his angel. 31,115 words

The death song of arthur pendragon by hanyuism

Merlin fic, Orpheus and Eurydice but make it Merthur, the angst is amazing, 6,827 words

Two Feasts and a Bard by emerillon

Merlin fic, pure Mercelot fluff, completely destroyed me, I’ve reread this an unhealthy amount of times. 2,785 words

Possessed by Emrys by ooh_look_the_void

Merlin and Gaius tell Arthur that Emrys is a magical entity who possesses people to interact with the mortal realm so Merlin can use magic. It gets a bit out of control when Merlin isn’t the only one getting possessed by Emrys. 10/10 fic had me wheezing. 14,759 words. (You do need an account to read it but well worth it)

Kilgharrah Moves to Camelot by ticketyboo00

In which Kilgharrah learns to actually be a decent person, gets therapy and is surprisingly a good brother figure to Merlin. 55,918 words

i know why the birds sing your name by ironfamjam

Arthur is banished from Camelot, Merlin follows him, together they unite Albion and find a family along the way. It’s really cute, Merthur and background Gwencelot. I can’t remember if there were a few mild smut scenes but they were skipable I think. 113,376 words.

Merlin in disguise by Theroundbartable

5 Times Merlin disguised himself. And 1 time he stops hiding, Gwaine being Gwaine, Arthur being smitten, Merthur. 21,576 words.

For Want of a Nail by 0hHeyThereBigBadWolf

Fleeing from Essetir in the bloody beginnings of the Purge, Hunith finds herself on the doorstep of Leon’s family (Hunnith’s old friends) so Leon and Merlin are raised as brothers. Also needs an account to read, but one of my all time favourite fics 234,831 words

the cute guy next door (might be a villain) by Alesyira

Mha fic Shinsou is an underground, undercover pro hero trying to find a lead on a case that may or may not involve the socially awkward guy living next door, (Midoriya) Misunderstandings ensue

And shit that’s 10. I have so many more so let me know if you want any others. I’ve got a few Yuri on Ice fics, a lot more mha and toh, one or two Sasaki to Miyano, Seraph of the end and Sherlock fics. I’m still getting into Song of Achilles fics, but there’s a few of them and a few crossovers too.

And for my name, there’s a kinda long story behind it, but the short version is my grandad used to call me Nerdy or clever or anything like that, he always said being smart and working hard to be smart was the best thing a person could do and I really looked up to him as everything I wanted to be when I grew up. Then when I came online in lockdown during Covid, it was just a whim that stuck to go by Nerd, or ThatNerd on Ao3 but the user was taken so I added bits till I found something available. After he died, it became more sentimental but generally it was just a lockdown thing that stuck.

[fansxdom]

funniest trope is found family but the family you found fucking sucks

#found fucking family #found family

[fansxdom]

sherlock teaching john to dance is easily the most romantic piece of writing in the entire show like the symbolism of sherlock standing alone surrounded by dancing couples is suggestive enough but the addition of him having taught john how only confirms the sentiment that he’s alone because he’s meant to be dancing with john

[fansxdom]

for someone who loves sleep, i do not sleep enough at all

#let me sleep #let me sleeeeep #let me sleeeeeeeep

[fansxdom]

diagnosed with woman in her twenties disease

#it's fatal #the doctors said I won't make it

[fansxdom]

We need like a month where nothing happens and there's no repercussions we all just stay in bed and hibernate and nothing goes wrong

#i need like 5 years of that thanks #no I'm just tired

[fansxdom]

I’m constantly torn between the ‘be kind to everyone’ and the ‘fuck everyone you owe them nothing’ mentalities 

#do no harm but take no shit #fuck yes #this is what i need #i can do this on my own #screw you people who thought I'd be in deeper waters without them

[fansxdom]

my oversized sweatshirt will protect me from Everything

#it's me and my big sweatshirt against you geezers #it's me and my heap of oversized clothing against this bland world

[fansxdom]

i think the only reason i get nervous about advice that goes along the lines of “never fight to be in anyone’s life, if they value u they’ll keep u around” is because it can very easily cross over into the territory of not putting in effort. you need to put effort into meaningful relationships always, just as you’d expect someone else to also put effort into your relationship. if you’re giving your all & the other person isn’t reciprocating, that’s when you realize your worth & start gatekeeping your energy. but context matters a lot. like a lot

be the friend you want to be, then go from there. don’t blindly follow advice that basically absolves you of self-reflection where it’s needed. that just gives off main character syndrome tbh

[fansxdom]

i love abortion and i love divorce

[fansxdom]

women who are a little sleepy all the time are the building block of our society

[fansxdom]

the best part about merlin was that every single character was bisexual but especially the Core Four (merlin, arthur, gwen, and morgana) and more than that they all had sexual and romantic chemistry with one another in a sick twisted love square and if you don’t think that’s true you’re wrong

[fansxdom]

So true bestie what did you say btw i was dissociating

[fansxdom]

This blog is a safe space for: rascals, scoundrels, villains, knaves, devils, black sheep, and really bad eggs

[fansxdom]

one marginalized group nobody every talks about is people who are always right. its literally so hard for us

#me #they're talking about me