existential-predicament

[existential-predicament]

Please, if anyone actually starts reading this, finish it without judgement.

I’m a lesbian in my late 30s. I grew up in the Midwest, where hatred was sugar-coated and presented as pity. Because of that, I learned to hide. Everything about me was my secret. This all led me to be incredibly frustrated with people who felt the need to force who they are onto everyone around them. This mostly manifested in watching younger people be so out and loud about their sexuality. There was a level of disgust with how it seemed they took for granted all the fear and pain of those before them. My experience was, by far, not the worst, but it was difficult and painful. Everything about me has been shaped by fear: fear of hatred, fear of letting others down, fear of pain, fear of judgment. So all those people who could be happy needed to be humbled. The contempt I held was, well, wrong. ...I was jealous...

I love cartoons. My daughter is old enough (5) that we watch them together. I was shocked when I discovered inclusive themes. The more I watched She-Ra and LOK and TDP with my daughter, the more I realized that this should be normal. How I wished there were cartoons like this when I was young! Something to show me I can live in a way that felt right. I looked at the kiddo one day and became utterly disgusted with myself. I realized how evil I had allowed my thoughts to be. What kind of person would look at anyone and say “you need to hide. You need to be afraid”?! My jealousy of others’ freedom left me more closeted than almost anyone in my past. I want a better life for my daughter. I want a better life for everyone who struggles. No one should have to face this.

I have missed out on so much; I recently began to regret many choices in my life. Despite being married, I think I missed out on love. All the things I believed/felt/feared when I grew up are so engrained in me that I can’t get past self-loathing. I can’t allow myself to believe I should be happy. My whole being is divided. Externally, everyone around me sees a caring, gentle yet stern, intelligent, parental figure. Internally, I’m screaming. No one knows, though, because I’ve been trained to believe my feelings don’t matter. I am here for everyone else. Most of the time, it works. I can fill my life with so many other things I’m not left alone to think, there’s no time to focus on myself. But the thing is, I’m always alone. I have created partitions and lines in my brain. I can compartmentalize and push away thoughts I deem too selfish. But...would I be this way if I never felt the need to hide? Would I, deep down, hate myself if I could see that other people like me are lovable?

The point I actually want to make is: thank you. Thank you to all the writers who take the time to create stories that can inspire, that can show people (kids and adults) they belong. Not just show writers, either. Of course I found fan fiction (and even art!). The freedom of creativity and emotion is amazing. Keep going! I hope you never feel that your art or writing is pointless. You have true power to give hope to all ages.

So really...thank you.

#spop #legend of korra #tdp #ao3 fanfic #you know who you are #spinetossa #catradora #janaya #kyalin #korrasami