esmeisamilf

[esmeisamilf]

I'm soso sorry but may I request winter depression Bella

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[esmeisamilf]

Hot Take: Jacob Black sucks.

#have all the fanon and headcanons you want #but as written jacob black absolutely sucks

[esmeisamilf]

the 0 notes wont stop me from posting every single thought that crosses my mind btw. dont u guys worry about that 

[esmeisamilf]

poor bella would have a complete meltdown if she found out about all these happy birthday bella posts and I think that’s beautiful

#ME OLVIDÉ DE TU CUMPLEAÑOS REINA PERDÓN

[esmeisamilf]

quick reminder that 9/11 isn’t only an important date in us history, but also in chilean history as well.

today marks the start of a military dictatorship that ruled chile for 17 years (1973-1990) due to the political intervention of the united states. this period was characterized by blatant human rights violations, with people getting exiled from their own country because of their political beliefs and chileans (of all ages) getting tortured under this military regime.

according to the informe rettig (a comission that investigated the human rights violations during the dictatorship), there is an estimate of 28,259 victims of political prison and torture, 2,298 executed and 1,209 detenidos desaparecidos (people that “went missing” while they were detained by military authorities). these people ranged from figures of political opposition, their relatives, students, indigenous people, immigrants, underage kids, among many others.

despite the fact that the dictatorship of augusto pinochet was over fifty years ago, there are still chilean citizens that do not know what happened to their loved ones that went missing during this time period.

fuerza a todos los familiares y amigos de los detenidos desaparecidos. merecen justicia.

ni perdón ni olvido.

[esmeisamilf]

“bella will be one of us. i’ve seen it. i’ll change her myself.”

[esmeisamilf]

“hello, darling!”

[esmeisamilf]

TWILIGHT BUT MAKE IT A PROPER HORROR MOVIE

[esmeisamilf]

Happy 117th birthday, Edward!

I love how he already looks like he’s had enough of the world’s nonsense. XD

Anyway, if you look at pictures of small children from the 19th and early-20th centuries, most of the time the mothers are beneath a blanket or rug, holding their children still. See the way the rug goes up behind his head? His mama is lurking in there. :D

#happy birthday #to the loml

[esmeisamilf]

me defending my blorbo who everybody hates

#MEEEE

[esmeisamilf]

So I have known for awhile that Hans Christian Andersen's The Little Mermaid was likely inspired by the unrequited love he had for a male friend of his who was about to marry someone else. But I only just realized that the friend's name was Edvard Collin.

That's . . . that's so close to 'Edward Cullen.'

I've also always thought that the (original) Little Mermaid has similar ~vibes to Twilight, although TLM actually goes for the sad ending that Twilight just seems to hint at with all the quotes about not eating from the tree of knowledge or violent delights having violent ends. The most interesting parallel to me is that in the original, mermaids do not have souls; they live for three hundred years and then die, ceasing to exist as a consciousness as their bodies turn to foam on the sea. Humans, on the other hand, have shorter lives but immortal souls that continue on after death. The mermaid is fascinated by the human world, yes, and falls in love with the prince, yes, but she also . . . kinda wants a soul? And can obtain one if a human loves her and marries her.

There's also the constant pain she is in walking on land as part of her bargain with the sea witch, which I thought was paralleled with the painful thirst that is never quenched when choosing to be a vegetarian vampire, but . . . that doesn't seem to be much of a thing for Bella in the end so maybe not.

[esmeisamilf]

AS MUCH AS I WOULD DIE FOR THE MOVIES BELLA SWAN’S PERSONALITY WAS WATERED DOWN AND BELLA AND EDWARD’S ON-SCREEN ROMANCE WAS QUICKENED AND SKIPPED THE WIT AND HUMOR AND BANTER AND THE ACTUAL FALLING IN LOVE AND IT SUCKS BECAUSE IT CREATED THE FIRST IMPRESSION FOR EVERY NON-TWILIGHT READER AND SET THE STAGE FOR EVERYONE TO CRITICIZE !!!! BUT EVERYONE WHO CRITICIZES IT AND HASN’T READ THE BOOKS DOESN’T KNOW BELLA OR HER AND EDWARD’S LOVE LIKE I DO THEY JUST FUCKING DON’T AND THEY’LL NEVER UNDERSTAND HOW WRONG THEY ARE WHY DID THEY DO THIS TO ME

AND I’M SORRY THIS IS ALL CAPS BUT I’M GOING THROUGH SHIT

[esmeisamilf]

bella and edward be walking round forks high like:

[esmeisamilf]

Look, I get WHY people want to see Bella get pissed at the end of New Moon. She has every right to be angry, and Edward needs to learn a lesson. But... he does learn a pretty serious lesson, doesn't he? Like, that's the whole point of him very nearly killing himself? Call me a softie, but I don't want to read a story where the suicidal character keeps getting yelled at after they give being alive another chance.

[esmeisamilf]

Stay

It’s midnight the first time she wakes up screaming.

At first I’m not sure it’s real, not sure I’m hearing her voice. Her clear, perfect voice, usually full of love, excitement, joy, and, to be frank, anxiety, is coated in a thick veneer of anguish. I didn’t recognize it for a moment.

But only a moment.

“Bella, love. Bella, wake up.” I shake her shoulder, gently. I don’t want to startle her, I don’t want her to be frightened of me, by me, for me. I don’t ever want her to be frightened again.

She shakes and shudders, heaving one final broken breath before jolting awake, eyes snapping open in a moment so sudden that even I almost miss it.

“Edward?” she says, her voice so small and broken that it makes me broken and I suddenly feel small.

“I’m here, love, I’m here.”

“Edward,” she mumbles, burying her face in the crook of my arm, digging her body as close to my unyielding cold one as she can manage.

“Bella?” I ask. I don’t want to do this. I don’t want to ask, I don’t want to know. I don’t want to continue to add to the insurmountable debt I owe to this girl that I love.

But I have to ask. I have to know. Some sick, depraved part of myself needs to feel exactly how badly I’ve hurt her. I need to know that despite the fact that I can never make up for it, that I can never, ever be forgiven, that she miraculously… did. And I need to pay penance. Hearing her, helping her, is my Hail Mary, is my Our Father.

“Love, was it another dream?” I ask, keeping my voice soft. I run a thumb across her cheek, watching the blood pool there, trailing my touch. Astounding. The effect that I can have on her, the responsive nature of her body, it’s all so immensely fascinating. I’ll never have enough time to admire it all.

She nods against my chest, and I run my fingers through her hair. I keep the motion going, repetitive, hopefully soothing, again and again as the silk of her hair flows and bends around my fingers.

“Can you tell me about it?” I ask, never ceasing the motion through her hair, keeping her locked safely in the cage of my arms, trying to hold her together. Trying to make her feel safe. Trying to prove myself even though I know I never could.

“It’s like…” she starts, soft and muffled. She knows, however, that I can hear her. “It was like I couldn’t breathe. It was like I didn’t have lungs.” She takes a shuddering breath, as though proving to herself that she does, in fact, have lungs. “When you were gone… it was like a part of me left with you and the rest of me was… dead. It was like you took the part of me that was alive. And I was so devastated, I was so broken, but I was so… angry with you. Angry with you all. Because I couldn’t stop being broken, not even when I wanted to, not even if I tried. I didn’t even want to try, and that made me so angry. I was so…” Bella swiped her face back and forth across my t-shirt, wiping away excess moisture from her eyes and moving impossibly closer to me.

“Bella… I’m sorry.” I can’t believe it’s been weeks since I’ve seen her during the day, asked her what she’s thinking, held her hand. I only hold her at night now, and she says it’s so Charlie can finally get some sleep.

Bella wants distance. She says that she forgives me, but that she can’t trust me. I understand that, truly I do. Who could blame her? Yes, it hurt when she readily believed my lies, but it cannot compare to my sin of lying in the first place. I took this beautiful, selfless, brave, stubborn girl and made her into a… shell. I’ve seen it. In people’s memories. The deadness in her eyes, the permanent downturn of her lips, the small wrinkle of her brow. Sitting alone at our lunch table, speaking only when directly spoken to, and at times not even then.

So of course she wants her space. Of course she needs to heal. That kind of depression, the blackness of her days, does not just disappear. Bella needs to believe I’m staying, to understand that it is fundamentally against my atomic makeup to remain more than a mile away from her, before she can trust me. Before she can trust any of us.

It’s difficult. It’s the most difficult thing I’ve ever done, to stay away from Bella, who is the reason I exist, the sunlight in the dark.

“I know you are. I do. I’m just… not ready.” Her voice is stronger now, confident in herself, in her statement. I can’t help but be proud of her, despite the words running me over like an avalanche.

“I know, Bella,” I tell her. Because I do. I could never ask for her forgiveness. I could never force her to trust me. I just have to wait. And wait, and wait, until I turn to stone and then to ash but I’m still there, next to her, close to her, proving to her that I’ll stay. I’ll stay forever.

“Don’t forget that Charlie has the morning shift,” she says, reminding me that I have to leave, again. I don’t ever want to leave. “You have to be out of here by four, that’s usually when he checks on me.”

This is okay, I have to remind myself. I have to have faith. I have to remember that she came to save me, that she couldn’t live in a world without me anymore than I could live in a world without her.

Someday, I think, as she pushes further, burrows as far as she can into my side, someday she’s going to ask me to stay.

[esmeisamilf]

jacob black is a Nice Guy™ zipped up in a humble-boy-next-door suit and that’s all I have to say

[esmeisamilf]

this is how i live my life because i was smart enough to stop reading Breaking dawn after the honeymoon, and i never picked up that book again