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I'm in the poconos and it is snowing. Andrew has taken me to the poconos and I cheated on him. This will forever taint our relationship. Nothing that I do can make up for it. I'm in the poconos and it's snowing. about fifteen minutes ago I was watching a group of birds flying from evergreen to evergreen. the clouds were broken up by blue patches of sky. a branch caught the sunlight, dappled in yellow. a bird is on the end of the branch, drinking from snow. i moved to the window to observe. I bring the apple pipe that Andrew taught me how to make. I love him and I have hurt him and I cannot do anything about that. i notice that what i thought was one bird is upwards of 20. they're flying from branch to branch, to the snowy ground. there's one on the deck below, drinking snow from the pots that held the tomatoes that Andrew and I grew this summer, before I cheated on him. i grow bored of watching the birds, my attention is held more by the movement of the cars below. our home is at an intersection. it's snowing harder now. it's overcast and the snow drifts at an angle.

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Figured that I would try some stream of consciousness writing as a way to tap into my voice. I'm having a hard time identifying thoughts and feelings , processing and communicating them.

Lately I have been waking up feeling okay, I look at my phone and immediately enter a doom spiral triggered by work emails and texts. I need to create stronger boundaries with WYA. First I will set them with myself and second I will create them with Nisa.

Boundaries Include:

1 waking up earlier - this is so that I am able to give myself time to wake up, take care of myself, the space around me and to do something physical - stretch / run / light body work. this will give me time to read fiction

2 only check my phone after i have done at least one of the above mentioned items

3 if i am unable to follow this structure - be gentle - with myself, remind my self that i am allowed to ask for space and time from others

4 approach my conversations and relationships with the people physically around me as sacred - this means to me- approach those physically around me with priority - attention - and understanding this will enhance the connection and spiritual satisfaction with time

5 allow myself space and time to accomplish this growth. remind myself that setting boundaries is difficult - that i am valid - at the same time remind myself that this new found validity does not excuse misbehavior towards others - misbehavior would include not allowing others access to my undivided attention - not allowing others intimacy

i have noticed that i am distracting myself with television and work. when i am not working i am thinking of ways to work more efficiently and when i am tired of that i distract myself with television , tik tok and social media. i had a panic attack this morning after waking up at noon, checking my phone and seeing the influx of communication from nisa. i walked out of the bedroom , stormed past my partner in the loft, snapped at him that i didn't want to wake up late and angrily began doing my work. this ruined my day and also his day

i have to focus on self awareness. i have spent much of my life excusing my lack of self awareness as naughty / sexy brashness and arrogance. my social life has suffered as a result and ultimately i have suffered lonliness and depression. i wonder if the depression has lasted four years or if it is that now, after these four years of living with my partner, i am more open to the possibility that i have been angry and depressed all of my life.

my friend michelle nitto died 2 weeks ago. michelle and i were close for about two years. michelle and have not spoken since around 2016 - 2017. the last we spoke michelle was telling me about how instagram was bad for her mental health, i dont remember any more of the conversation. i think we were texting.

when michelle and i were close she really scared me. michelle was introspective and depressed. something about her was so intelligent and unique, i think i feel this way because of how often she was alone and how decadent her aloness felt. the best way i can describe it is by thinking of her apartment which was the first and only studio apartment i have loved. michelle's apartment was on the corner of main street and center street in geneseo, ny, where i met her. i didn't meet her in this apartment, i met her in an apartment on the same block, about 4-5 doors down. and maybe i didn't even meet her there but at some party. i grew to know her in that apartment 4-5 doors down from the apartment of hers that i now associate with her personality.

so that apartment was above a bike shop. the bike shop's entrance was at the front on main street. michelle's apartment's entrance was on center street to the right. this makes sense to me because michelle was decidedly working class. not in the way where we all are because we're from the nyc suburbs but instead in the way where she was a communist and this was part of her whole world. she was always intimately connected to employees and tenants and her land lords. the people that were around her and that took notice of her , especially older people, tended to want to take care of her. so you go into the door off of center street and you walk up the stairs (i think, i dont remember) and she opens the door to her apartment and you're immediately in her living room / bedroom. it's dark, there's velvet , theirs wood, there's atleast four windows and the apartment would be well lit but there's some thing dingy about the light coming in and maybe that's because it's geneseo but maybe that's also because it's michelle. so you walk in and there's a bunch of furniture but also not too much furniture. the bed is a twin bed and it's over on the far right, near the kitchen and the bathroom. on the left towards the entrance she's made a seating area and there's a smoking table near that. i've never seen one before and she shows it off and is very proud. it's adorable. any sort of positive emotion on her is adorable because she's so cute but also because it's rare. i think of her smoking in this apartment, walking around barefoot, opening up the fridge, filling up a mason jar with water from the sink.

michelle killed herself 2 weeks ago. i don't know how she did it but i think i know why. if you were ever close to michelle, i think you might think you know why too. michelle was not shy or quiet about her depression. and i don't want to say "her depression" because it's really more just the way she felt, all of the time, because her brain was just made up that way. michelle didn't need to be depressed to be brilliant but it was often tied into her brilliance. the way that dying flowers are beautiful and the way that little girls with scabs are the same.

i hope michelle knew that i love her. i dont know if she even thinks about it like that.

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It's always weird for me, deciding to write about how I feel. I am feeling on track and embracing routine lately. Winter is coming and I have learned to make bone broth. My bf's mother got diagnosed with lung cancer two days ago. Fortunately it seems to be an early stage. I am monitoring him and doing research - offering suggestions and asking questions.

I am scared that he will leave me because of his insecurity surrounding law school and my infidelity. The insecurity and infidelity are here tied and I'm curious about the fact that they both start with "in"

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Weird feeling of relief that comes with honesty and transparency. Tackling the difficult conversations with strangers, expecting the worst and receiving kindness in return

I told Sele that I slept with her boyfriend over the summer. He cheated on her and I cheated on my bf. To my surprise she was kind and thankful. This weirdly makes me hurt. It’s easier to do bad things to people when you believe the worst of them. She’s humanized herself with kindness and the guilt and shame has magnified. Her boyfriend also contacted me and started by apologizing if he had somehow hurt me and ended with a warning to stay out of his relationship. At first I thought that he was nicer than he should have been but also manipulative and defensive.

I am feeling lighter for initiating the conversation albeit 3 months late. I now I have to tell my boyfriend that I have done so and am avoiding that as well. I want to provide him with the relief but am afraid that he will be upset with my conversation with Sele. Everything that I told her he knows. I guess I’m being selfish in withholding again.

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I can not sleep tonight. I am not on adderall today and I haven't been since Thursday. We are going into Sunday now. I am thinking about how to convince my dad to rent out the second floor apartment to me instead of my brother and see it as an up hill battle. My brother feels entitled to the space - partly because that's the way he is and partly because he has had to live in the attic apartment, put up with and involved himself with my father's disputes with the older tenant that had occupied that apartment and has spent many weekends in a row helping to renovate the apartment.

All of this and I am going to ask in a week if my father would consider renting it out to my boyfriend and I. This is the first time that I have asked for such a thing but feel my father will not see it as such. A big part of his narrative is that we are a financial burden to him and although we never asked for it he holds it against me whenever he can. I also know that he is resentful of the fact that I do not throw my life aside to help him with his own endeavors. But it is a catch 22 because he would not respect me if I did that anyway.

And so tomorrow I will tell them - hey, don't go out of your way after this Lake George trip (the one that I am not invited to, under the pretenses of it being a trip to make up for the one my brother missed 4 years ago and my father's excuse that he could not find a cabin for 6 people and so he picked the child and partner that spend more time with him) and I will tell them that I will go to there house so that they do not have to go out of their way.

Hopefully my brother will not be there and I can make the ask. I will tell my father that it would be a great advantage for me to live there while studying , applying out and hopefully going to law school. That there is enough space in that apartment for my partner and I to continue to work and study from home. That I am a good respectful tenant, do not need use of the parking lot, will assist in maintaining the property. We will not play loud music and would be less of a disturbance to the downstairs neighbors than my brother would be and so forth.

I do really want to live in the apartment. I am nervous to present the proposition to my father but I am confident in my ability to represent myself well.

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I have had problems with hair shedding. It started two weeks ago when I used eva nyc clean it up shampoo. I experienced hairs coming out in clumps in the shower at a very rapid rate. I stopped using the shampoo and it stopped.

Yesterday in the shower I noticed hair shedding again on the right side of my head when I comb it. Not as drastic as the first time but enough to really scare me. I am thinking it could be tied to the adderall use - whether it be directly related to the medication or related to a side effect. I have been eating well but less, sleeping much less and read that it naturally increases cortisol levels in the body.

I feel very stressed today. I made it a point to sleep in until 1:30PM. I notice that my outlook on life is affected by the medication. I am paying much more attention to little details like car issues, plans with family, study scheduling and dental work. I feel good getting everything in order but notice that I am dwelling on little facts and worried about them in a way I have not ever done before.

I am not going to take the medication this weekend Friday - Sunday and still study. My body is tired so I might take today off to grocery shop and sleep, maybe try and get a work out in there.

I have fluctuating libido and feel guilty for this as I know my partner's is very high.

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Woke up today around 11AM - laid in bed until 12 and saw that the sun was out so did about 45 minutes of yoga outside in the sun. I made myself a mushroom and red onion omelette.

Andrew is asleep in bed, I feel like I want to cook breakfast for him when he wakes up. I want to review the questions I got wrong in a practice LSAT that I have done. Now until August 14th I will run practice exams until I am done.

I feel good.

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It's been raining all day here in PA.

I went home to get the second dose of the vaccine and see my parents. We helped my father renovate the second floor apartment. I woke up this morning around 10AM to a neighbor playing classic rock hits outdoor. I felt fatigues so I laid in bed until around 11 and then got up to take meds and eat.

I was very tired but now that the meds have kicked in I feel good. It is lovely and humid. I just took a yoga break and am going downstairs to sort laundry before I begin studying for the second time today. Probably will do more yoga later

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It's around 5:20 AM June 3rd. I am wired off of adderall and have been tossing and turning in bed since around 3AM. I decided to come and watch the sky lighting as the sunrises today in about 10 minutes.

Now that I am here and writing I don't feel like writing anything out. I am studying and growing increasingly worried about the test. It is 2 months and 11 days away.

This should be enough time to start with practice exams and hopefully I will get a good score.

A couple of days ago I used a shampoo and my hair fell out in clumps. This has never happened to me before. My scalp burns and is dry and flaky. I am still experiencing some accelerated hair loss.

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Confronted my dad (and I guess my mom because she sneakily listens while he calls me on speaker phone) about how Andrew and I were not invited to the Lake George cabin for father's day.

He deflected and blamed it on me not making enough of an effort.

I am so angered and tired of his responses. He will never assumer personal responsibility or see me as a person with her own life and goals, just a side kick to the endless tragedy that is his life.

This narrative touches my mother and she replicates it, touches my brother and he too spits the narrative at me at any chance he gets.

Being in this family is so boring and makes me so angry. I hate to swallow my tongue in the name of acceptance, kneel at the shrine that my father has created around him.

I need miles between us because that is the only way that I am safe. They feel entitled to driving past my apartment, not asking me how I am or taking an interest in what I do. The only time they care is when I am not performing the weekly duties of prostrating myself at their feet. They drag Andrew into it, blame him for this change in behavior. Their memory is short sited. This knowledge frees me.

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I would like to practice manifestation and detachment more in my every day life. I think the key to this is identifying and processing emotions when they occur and then deciding if they are serving me. If they are - how to I live a life that exemplifies that and if not - what type of life would better serve me to not ruminate on those emotions.

I think obviously I struggle with repression and rumination and assigning myself emotions that are other people's problems to hold because I believe that I can handle all of it. The problem with this is that I don't need to be handling all of it and more often than not handling everything will manifest itself negatively in my life whether it be emotionally or physically.

I would also like to look more closely at the concept of ether vs earth and ideas vs tangible reality

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Many things happening at once this week - a lot of appointments, the disappointment of the conditional love my parents dole out, car insurance negotiations, work from home negotiations with my director.

I somehow feel better today and more ontop of everything. I am thankful for my boyfriend's support and patience. I invited a friend to come to the lakehouse tomorrow and I am excited for that as well, I always enjoy showing this place off

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Found out today that I am not invited to lake George with my parents and brother for Father’s Day. My mother told me after I called to tell her that I was coming over on Father’s Day. She told me that instead she will be bringing my brother and his girlfriend because 4 years ago my brother missed out on a family trip because of college.

This hurts me immensely. I cried for about two hours and now I feel angry and disappointment. I can’t believe that I am not invited to Father’s Day. This is very hurtful and I feel excluded. I know it is blc I do not visit as frequently as my brother does and my family is now punishing me for it. It hurts to know how conditional their love is.

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Me and some important adults in my life. I’ve been struggling with finding the balance in merging my family with my boyfriends family. I feel a lot of guilt and responsibility for the way my fathers aggression affects my boyfriend, leading him to feeling unsafe around my family. However, after spending 4 days with his father we noticed some similar qualities and I am noticing that he is more sensitive to these qualities in people other than his family than I am. I connect this with how loving and protective his mother is over him, leading to a fierce protection of himself and creation of hard boundaries. I admire all of this but am also worried that it leads him into being more emotional and depressed than me

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I took a series of photos with my boyfriends moon but after hearing his concerns about the app I’d rather not put her on the app.

I think his concerns are regarding the dehumanization and degradation of the people using the app although he used an analogy that I didn’t fully understand.

Analogy- think of an app like IG that assigns numerical likes to a photo of you but bad. Which is what IG is and I know that and so he didn’t really illuminate any details of what exactly makes it so bad to him other than the inherent value of receiving likes from an app is bad.

So I have to think about that a little more obviously. Something to come back to.

Also I want to connect me reading about disillusionment and that being a major theme in my relationship with him

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