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baby girl u are a very freak and straange. iam deeplu in love with u

#just me when i think about karam <3333

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i said this over on my multi but i should say it here too — stuff might be slow here over the next week because, yet again, i have an assignment due and i’m incredibly underprepared. as always! i know i said i’d do those starters after the LAST assignment but i didn’t factor in how disorganised i always am!! anyway, this is my last assignment of the year (as in 2021, not the academic year, i have shit due in january) so, from thursday onwards, i’m good to try and focus on my blogs again. i might do a starter or two before then, in between studying, but i’m not making any promises. thank you again for being so patient!

#ive barely been on this blog but it's probably worth putting this out here too #i really do wanna be active on this blog again though bc i genuinely really miss karam #i might just put him back on my multi and accept that this blog is a little dead though ASDFGFD #i'm hesitant bc i don't think he FITS on my multi but my multi isn't exactly coherent as is #my muse roster is p much 'whatever i feel like writing'

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                   𝐂𝐎𝐒𝐌𝐈𝐂     /     𝗖𝗛𝗜𝗟𝗗      !!

PRIVATE MULTIMUSE by PHOEBE        starring original characters of different genres ( mystery / thriller / fantasy / slice of life / sci-fi / horror ). looking to write a variety of stories and develop plotlines! blog est. feb 2018, remade may 2021. mutuals only; please read rules BEFORE following! NOT a K/RP blog. MUSE MASTERLIST.

#« 𝐀𝐋𝐋 𝐀𝐑𝐎𝐔𝐍𝐃 𝐘𝐎𝐔 𝐒𝐋𝐎𝐖 𝐃𝐄𝐂𝐀𝐘 » / 「 promotion. 」 #hiii i'm trying to get karam's blog active again but in the meantime #my multi is probs more active AS IS @filmactor #i'll reblog tomo's post later maybe #i dont wanna spam both promos at once #but i accidentally reblogged this from tomo's blog so u can follow now if u like #it was an accident for real...i thought i was reblogging it off karam's blog...

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what do you mean Just Standing There Ominously doesn’t count as socializing

#« 𝐀𝐋𝐋 𝐀𝐑𝐎𝐔𝐍𝐃 𝐘𝐎𝐔 𝐒𝐋𝐎𝐖 𝐃𝐄𝐂𝐀𝐘 » / 「 musings. 」 #truly this is karam i'm afraid

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actually, on that note, does anybody else here (and by anybody else, i mean oc writers specifically) ever feel like their ocs have like......expiration dates? idk maybe it’s just me but i have felt, in all my years of writing dumb little ocs on this site, that people are mostly interested in your oc when they’re new and they’re something of a novelty. even if you, as the writer, feel like your oc is actually a better character later on and you have more interesting things to say about them, it doesn’t matter bc other people have already moved on and stopped caring? obviously, you can’t demand that anybody cares about your writing or your muse, and i would never care to dictate what anybody else wastes their time in the rpc doing. it’s a hobby, it’s never that deep, do whatever you want, etc. however, it’s pretty frustrating as a writer that you’re kind of just expected to...constantly start over?

i think it does speak to this community-wide habit of trends and starting over from scratch every few months and just a general short attention span? i know people jump from canon muse to canon muse as their interest fluctuates but i personally think it’s weird ocs are also held to that standard? i’ve seen people repeatedly making new ocs and leaving old ones behind every month & often it’s not even bc they’re done with the oc but because they feel like they HAVE to move onto something new. because the old thing isn’t novel anymore. there’s obviously nothing wrong with dropping an oc early on bc they’re not working or whatever but i also feel like ocs...DO require more time than canon muses. it makes sense that people jump from canon to canon bc you don’t have to build shit from scratch! and yet...i feel like people can get much further writing the same canon for years than you can with ocs. bc this whole idea of novelty just doesn’t seem to apply with canon muses????

idk if anything i’m saying makes sense but this is just something that i’ve thought about a lot. i also do want to be clear that i don’t care if people prefer to write canons. i’m not saying canons aren’t work. i don’t write canon muses bc i find it more difficult and bc i prefer writing ocs. that’s it. but i really wish that people, oc writers respectfully included, didn’t just give up on ocs after they’ve been around more than a few months. and, obviously, there are exceptions to this rule and some ppl keep ocs going for ages. i’ve done it myself, largely by focusing on my own desire to keep the character going longer than people care. but i also feel like it’s harder to do that now bc people are even less ready to engage than in the past.

#« 𝐀𝐋𝐋 𝐀𝐑𝐎𝐔𝐍𝐃 𝐘𝐎𝐔 𝐒𝐋𝐎𝐖 𝐃𝐄𝐂𝐀𝐘 » / 「 ooc. 」 #tbd #idk what i'm actually saying i'm kind of just rambling #i hope this makes sense #i'm just a little frustrated ASDFGFDSA #i feel like it's happened a lot and maybe i AM the issue #but ppl do just...stop giving a shit all at once sometimes ?? #i'm glad ppl are having fun but i'm increasingly convinced the rpc here is gonna just straight up die so long as ppl just don't like #care about each other ASDFGHJGFDS

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really pointless post here but i’m just popping in to say that this blog isn’t dead! i know i’ve barely been active here but please don’t assume i’ve abandoned this blog or lost interest in karam. i’m still 100% invested in this muse! (i really want to give this blog a chance too? i keep feeling like it’d be better to put karam back on my multi but i don’t want to do that asdfghgf)

#« 𝐀𝐋𝐋 𝐀𝐑𝐎𝐔𝐍𝐃 𝐘𝐎𝐔 𝐒𝐋𝐎𝐖 𝐃𝐄𝐂𝐀𝐘 » / 「 ooc. 」 #idk why all my blogs are dead but asdfgfdsa #i don't wanna be like 'i'm TRYING to keep my blogs active' in case someone reads that and is like #'??? try harder then???' #but i honestly don't know what to do when it seems like there's genuinely no interest anymore :sobs: #obviously ppl don't have to write with me and i'm not entitled to anybody's time #but rp sure is a shitty hobby when there's fuck all to do </////3 #makes me wanna give up a little bit #i mean i'm too stubborn to give up so i'm gonna just hope stuff will pick up eventually #bc i feel like this always happens to me...it just goes around in circles ASDFGHGF

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write me starters (threat) (thinly-veiled bc i’m a coward) (actually just me begging)

#HEHEHEHE #i suddenly miss karam asdfghjhgf #i don't wanna put him on my multi bc i like him too much adggdfs I WANNA WRITE :pensive:

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ACTUALLY. the issue is…………karam DOES tell himself that being solitary is a good thing and that he’s totally fine being alone because, more than anything else, it’s what he’s used to. he was never that familiar with the alternative so, even if he felt lonely, he didn’t really know how to identify and name that feeling. he didn’t have anybody to tell him what feelings were and weren’t normal. besides, he really didn’t BELIEVE he was lonely because he thought the forest was company enough (oh dear :/) but the more time he’s spent around people, the more his beliefs are starting to crumble. it was one thing for him to cope with all the new and sudden changes in his life but entirely another to start putting names to things he never knew mattered to him. as it stands now, karam probably does know he’s horribly lonely but he still tries to convince himself it’s not an issue. he thinks it SHOULD be something he can handle. an inconvenience at best. it’s easier to lie to himself, anyway.

but the reality is there’s a gaping, aching hole inside of him that he doesn’t understand well enough to fill it and, although he’s made a few friends, the distance at which he holds himself from others and the extent to which he remains guarded/private prevents him from ever changing that. karam can barely stand his only loneliness sometimes but he will continue to be lonely so long as he continues to be terrified of opening up to people.

obviously, he will always be a fairly private person, purely because he doesn’t like talking about himself much (and he doesn’t talk much at all, unless he’s actually comfortable with somebody) but for now, fear plays into this privacy as well. karam doesn’t expect to be accepted by people. sometimes, although he hates it, it’s easier to let people imagine who karam is for themselves and hope they imagine a version of him that they like.

#bringing this back bc i was looking through my blog and i think it Matters #god it's been so long since i've done any real writing here i am so sorry #karam is in a constant state of denial but that's whatever /:

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CONFRONTATIONS

“  you have to talk to someone,  eventually.  it doesn’t have to be me,  but.  you need to.  ”

“   i’m not leaving until you tell me what’s going on.  ”

“  you may like to pretend,  but i don’t.  something is wrong and you’re hiding it from me.  ”

“  you can’t even say that and look me in the eyes.  you’re clearly lying.  just tell me the truth.  ”

“  everyone else might be buying it,  but i don’t.  what’s wrong?  ”

“  you’re not fine.  you’re clearly not fine.  and you don’t have to keep saying that you are.  ” 

“  you can talk to me,  you know.  whatever you have to say,  i’m not gonna judge you or do anything.  i just want to listen.  ”

“  you can’t run away from this forever.  ”

“  i can’t keep acting like i don’t see something is wrong with you.  ”

“  you keep acting like if you let down your guard the world will end.  ”

“  stop brushing me off.  i know something is going on.  ”

“  hey— look at me.  you can talk to me.  ”

“  i don’t know if you think you’re being strong or protecting me,  but i don’t need you to keep painting on smiles when you’re clearly upset.  ”

“  why don’t you trust me enough to let me in?  ”

“  you think if you run around taking care of everyone else,  no one will notice you’re falling apart.  ”

“  you keep acting like you’re looking for an excuse to leave.  ”

“  stop.  just stop trying to avoid this.  shutting me out isn’t going to fix the problem.  ”

“  you do realize you don’t have to do this alone right?  ”

“  you think you’re handling this on your own but you’re not.  that’s not how it works when the people who care about you can see you’re suffering but refusing to ask for help.  ”

“  you don’t get a choice this time.  i’m helping you.  ”

“  why do you keep lying to me like i don’t know ever time you try it?  ”

“  i don’t know why you seem to think you have to hide your pain.  ”  

“  i don’t know why you thought i wasn’t going to notice.  but i see right through you.  ” 

“  i know you’re having nightmares again.  ”

“  why are you acting like this?  ”

“  don’t change the subject.  i saw you crying.  ”  

“  you fucked it up.  ”

“  what the hell is wrong with you?  ”

“  just tell me what the fuck the problem is?  ”

“  did you just flinch away from me?  ”

“  i trusted you. why can’t you trust me too?  ”  

#« 𝐀𝐋𝐋 𝐀𝐑𝐎𝐔𝐍𝐃 𝐘𝐎𝐔 𝐒𝐋𝐎𝐖 𝐃𝐄𝐂𝐀𝐘 » / 「 meme. 」 #these could work for karam bc he refuses to explain himself ever <33 #so u kind of do have to push him for an answer sometimes

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SEMI HIATUS NOTICE, I GUESS? heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeyyyy! just letting you all know, i’m putting this blog on a sort of tentative / temporary semi-hiatus. not because i’m busy or because i can’t be here but because there’s not really anything for me to do. that’s why it’s just a semi-hiatus bc i will still be here and i’ll work on stuff as it comes to me. but, until i work out how to pull this blog out of whatever ditch into which it seems to have fallen, i think i kind of have to put it on semi-hiatus, even if it’s only so people don’t think i’m just super slow or i’m not doing anything! thank you for understanding! also again, i WILL be here so if you need me or want to plot or whatever, i’ll be around as much as usual. this is only a semi-hiatus bc idk what else to call it!

#« 𝐀𝐋𝐋 𝐀𝐑𝐎𝐔𝐍𝐃 𝐘𝐎𝐔 𝐒𝐋𝐎𝐖 𝐃𝐄𝐂𝐀𝐘 » / 「 ooc. 」 #OKAY as far as i can tell i don't really owe anything here either so #(other than a couple of asks but i don't rlly count those as threads until/unless they become...threads ASDFGH) #i guess this has to apply here as well] #i hate having to do this but it's kind of....either i do this or my blogs are just not active & ppl think i'm doing fuck all for no reason #))))): #i feel like maybe i should just put karam and tomo back on my multi & that giving them their own blogs was a bad idea but i also LIKE them #having their own blogs asdfghjhgfdsd #i like the aesthetics i've given them and having their blogs fit their overall vibes but #is that rlly worth it if my multi is my only blog that isn't basically dead somehow ASDFGFDS #but when i had them on the multi i wrote them so much more than my other muses that i missed writing my other ocs x____x #CANNOT WIN

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i am faced with the upsetting realisation that the wifi issues that have plagued me for Two Entire Months may have been caused, or at least greatly exasperated, by me using the bluetooth setting on my headphones. i don't have any proof of this and my wifi still must not be great if a little bit of interference fucked it up that badly, but i will say that the replacement headphone cable i ordered did arrive yesterday and my wifi hasn't given me any issues while i used my headphones this way. and, probably bc i wasn't frustrated by things not loading or bc i could actually watch videos when i needed to unwind, i actually managed to get some writing done (not on this blog, obviously). if this turns out to be the solution, i will ofc be very relieved but i will also lose my mind bc the solution was also a five quid purchase i meant to make right when my old cable died but held off bc i forgot about it. Screaming and Crying.

#« 𝐀𝐋𝐋 𝐀𝐑𝐎𝐔𝐍𝐃 𝐘𝐎𝐔 𝐒𝐋𝐎𝐖 𝐃𝐄𝐂𝐀𝐘 » / 「 ooc. 」 #rbing this here bc i forgot to and bc it's relevant here too #it's been 4 days and i think unfortunately this may be TRUE........ #the only other possibility is that my wifi miraculously fixed itself RIGHT at the same time but that seems........too coincidental #i'm going to lose my mind?? i did this to MYSELF?? /I/ AM RESPONSIBLE?????

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(MOSTLY)   ANGSTY   DRABBLE   PROMPTS    |    QUOTES   FROM   PINTEREST  .

“   i   don’t   want   us   to   be   strangers   again  .   ” “   i   am   a   horrible   person  and   i   don’t   know   how   to   change ,   not   even   for   you  .   ” “  if   i   hurt   you ,   it’s   not   my   fault  .   i   warned   you  .   ” “   i   want   to   forget   everything   about   you ,   so   i   can   get   to   know   you   all   over   again  .   ” “   it   was   nice   to   hear   your   voice   again  .   ” “   please   don’t   forget   me   and   all   the   things   we   did  .   ” “   maybe   someday   we   will   be   two   people   meeting   again   for   the   first   time  .   ” “   nothing   makes   me   happier   and   nothing   makes   me   sadder   than   you  .   ” “   i   am   so   tired   of   their   stories  .   let’s   write   our   own  .   ” “   sorry   i’m   so   hard   to   deal   with   sometimes  .   ” “   i   like   it   when   you   smile  .   ” “   i   hope   you   understand   how   much   our   little   talks   mean   to   me  .   ” “   you’re   beginning   to   feel   less   like   a   friend   and   more   like   home  .   ” “   how   can   i   tell   you   the   truth   when   i   don’t   know   which   version   you   want   to   hear  ?   ” “   if   i   don’t   leave   now ,   i   will   never   get   away  .   ” “   i   broke   my   own   heart   before   you   could   do   it   for   me  .   ” “   in   loving   me,  you   hold   a   knife   at   my   throat.   in   loving   you,  i   tell   you   exactly   where   to   cut.   ” “   i’d   never   lie   to   you  .   ” “   it’s   not   an   easy   thing   to   admit   when   you’re   wrong ,   and   that’s   why   i   won’t   do   it  .   ” “   please   don’t   leave   me   alone   again  .   ” “   the   horror   you   have   seen   is   not   who   you   are  .   ” “   why   do   good   intentions   always   turn   out   bad  ?   ”

#« 𝐀𝐋𝐋 𝐀𝐑𝐎𝐔𝐍𝐃 𝐘𝐎𝐔 𝐒𝐋𝐎𝐖 𝐃𝐄𝐂𝐀𝐘 » / 「 meme. 」 #i need more stuff to write so perhaps i could make myself do memes :eye: #ur VERY MUCH ENCOURAGED to send a meme and then use my response to start a thread!! i need more threads!! #but i'm bad at starters so this might be better :flushed:

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also yeah uh that character is played by kojiro’s fc i just like him a lot,,,i guess when i made that joke on my multi about making ppl look at him, i wasn’t lying :pensive:

#« 𝐀𝐋𝐋 𝐀𝐑𝐎𝐔𝐍𝐃 𝐘𝐎𝐔 𝐒𝐋𝐎𝐖 𝐃𝐄𝐂𝐀𝐘 » / 「 ooc. 」 #sorry i've just been very fixated this week #to be clear i do not do Celebrity Worship and i do not engage in weird paranormal stan culture #however i Am an autistic person with interests and the reality is that i Have to talk about them #i've just been a fan for like what.....13 years :sob: #at least it's actually relevant !! #bc this drama probably DID inspire me more than it should have #given that it's kind of a goofy little show but the emotional backbone Gets To Me

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just thinking about this scene in this jdrama (that probably influenced karam more than i realised bc i was obsessed with the main character came out in 2011 and obviously it just wormed itself into my brain forever) where the main character reveals to this old man that they met before like 50 years ago bc he’s an unaging, undying youkai who can’t live amongst humans bc they hate him, only for the old man to be like ‘wow so cool that i got to meet a youkai (:’ and he pulls this face,,,,,,,,,,,,,, (also there’s a whole lot of other stuff bc the episode’s overarching theme is coming to terms age & death and learning to understand that your life matters & that your actions still have purpose even if you fail)

and then just thinking about karam and how much of his characterisation revolves around his distrust of human fear. just makes me think about what would happen if a regular human (so not another supernatural being or somebody who’s very much aware of that shit) accepted karam as he was, without any fear or disgust. i think, in karam’s case, it’d have to be someone he already liked and about whom he actually cared for it to matter or, indeed, for him to even make that reveal. like, i really think if he came to trust someone and then was like ‘i’m extremely not human’ & they freaked out, that would be a special sort of hell for karam. absolutely. and, in general, i don’t think karam has ever felt truly Accepted. he doesn’t really ‘belong’ anywhere.

(note: this character this character actually really genuinely trusts in the inherent good of humans despite repeatedly encountering shitty ppl so, in that sense, he’s the exact OPPOSITE of karam but that’s not the comparison i’m trying to make)

#« 𝐀𝐋𝐋 𝐀𝐑𝐎𝐔𝐍𝐃 𝐘𝐎𝐔 𝐒𝐋𝐎𝐖 𝐃𝐄𝐂𝐀𝐘 » / 「 ooc. 」 #I COULD HAVE SAID ALL THIS W/O THE SCREENSHOTS AND THE COMPARISON but i think there's smth to it #i just wanna talk abt it...and how this came to mind!! and also bc the last screenshot speaks to me #i didn't finish my last attempt a drama rewatch but....i wanna rewatch this one over october hehe #i was gonna do it last year and then lost track bc i had to move out and start uni all at once #it'll be exactly 10 years since it came out this october so i think it'd be a fun little nostalgic rewatch #i wonder if it'll give me karam inspo......... #again the characters aren't really THAT similar but this character IS also a sad supernatural being who barely talks #funniest thing about this drama is that it's an adaption of an old anime and the main character originally looked NOTHING like that #but they cast kame (loml <3) in the role despite him absolutely NOT suiting the original appearance and he basically played a very different #character altogether....this is kame's oc

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#« 𝐀𝐋𝐋 𝐀𝐑𝐎𝐔𝐍𝐃 𝐘𝐎𝐔 𝐒𝐋𝐎𝐖 𝐃𝐄𝐂𝐀𝐘 » / 「 visuals. 」 #gif warning #there he is!!!!!!!!!! #bwaaaaaah (that's the sound of me screaming and crying)

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        i’m still trying to work through the stuff i owe but idk how much i’ll do today bc i got the second vaccine dose yesterday ( woooo ) and now i don’t feel Super Hot ( boooo ). like, overall, i’m basically fine. i went for a bath, lit a pumpkin spice candle that has a cute lil black cat in a pumpkin patch on the lid, and did a facemask. lovely relaxing time. but i feel like a little worse for wear, generally kind of tired and i have a headache. and my arm hurts. but i AM also a wimp who doesn’t get sick that often so every mild inconvenience makes me want to d word. i am clarifying bc i don’t want to put ppl off lmaooo it’s just one off day! i’ve also been busy over the weekend bc i had plans on multiple days and i’ve also been distracted by the cat we’ve been petsitting. she’s called pepper and she’s leaving today and i am obsessed with her. i might try and write later bc i’m bored but it might not be my #1 priority. can’t focus for shit! <3

#« 𝐀𝐋𝐋 𝐀𝐑𝐎𝐔𝐍𝐃 𝐘𝐎𝐔 𝐒𝐋𝐎𝐖 𝐃𝐄𝐂𝐀𝐘 » / 「 ooc. 」 #rbing this here too heehee #i COULD rb it to my multi too but honestly it's usually low activity anyway so i won't #i've written like two sentences so far today and then got distracted making edits so ASDFGFDS #i'm making some edits for tomo and i think they're kinda neat so far :flushed:

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write me starters (threat) (thinly-veiled bc i’m a coward) (actually just me begging)

#« 𝐀𝐋𝐋 𝐀𝐑𝐎𝐔𝐍𝐃 𝐘𝐎𝐔 𝐒𝐋𝐎𝐖 𝐃𝐄𝐂𝐀𝐘 » / 「 ooc. 」 #i wanna write but i owe starters but i don't wanna do them anymore WAAAAAAAAAA #IT'S TOO HARD I'M BAD AT THIS I'M A BIG BABY #i'm joking but.........help me #i'm just gonna do the replies i have on my blogs and then come back to starters later i guess uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh