earendil-was-a-mariner

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Everyone: Frodo, stay away from the black riders. They’re so dangerous, we can’t tell you how dangerous they are because you’ll be too afraid to go on.

Glorfindel: I went after some of the riders, but they ran away from me. 

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Merry and Pippin: *escaping from captivity* wait let’s have a snack first

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Gandalf: Saruman, you have no color now. I cast you from the order!!

*All of the Valar are sitting around a conference table watching this on a TV*

Manwe: Did he just fire our employee?

Ulmo: He doesn’t have that kind of authority. Who made him white, anyways? Nienna? Where is she, this sounds like her. 

Aule: Someone get Gandalf back to HR, he needs more training. 

Manwe: God I hate this job so much. 

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I accidentally typed “Suaron” in a post, and tumblr suggested both “Sauron” and “Sharon,” and can you imagine the Dark Lord, Sharon, creator of the One Ring and also she brings orange slices to her kid’s soccer games as a snack. 

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Fun with Tolkien

Legolas: Hey, that dude walking by Fangorn Forest - is that Saruman or just an old man?

Gimli: I dunno

Aragorn: I dunno either

J.R.R. Tolkien: Yeah I also don’t know. I wonder who he is. Huh. 

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Sauron

Shelob

Saruman

Smaug

Sackville-Baggins

Sméagol 

I wonder what letter Tolkein thought sounded evil

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Frodo: what are the black riders

Guildor: I’d rather not tell you. If I did, you’d be too afraid to go on your journey. 

Frodo: oh okay, thank you. That was very helpful. 

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You know, according to the Hobbit films, when Legolas meets Aragorn he’s just getting over Tauriel. He probably needs a guy friend who can help him get “out there” and meet someone new. Sounds like a pretty good buddy comedy. PJ, if you’re reading this, think about it. The Dude-edain or something. Hit me up. 

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“HOBBIT. LORD OF THE RINGS. SILMARILLION. What do they all have in common?

That’s right. The letter o. THREE times. Which is shaped like what? A ring. one ring. But what else?

That’s right. A crown. Like a crown with THREE silmarils. 

MORGOTH. SAURON. What do their names have in common? 

That’s right. The letter o, again. THREE TIMES (also the letter r but ignore that).

MORGOTH. SAURON. ONE RING. SILMARILS. it’s all connected dONTYOUALLSEETHIS?”

- Elrond Halfelven, The Council of Elrond.

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Witch King to Eowyn: Foolish human, death stands before you. This is my hour! Prepare to die.

Witch King to a hobbit: Excuse me, I’m looking for Frodo Baggins. is that his house? I knocked a few times, but no one answered Is he around?

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Galadriel: So you’re going to Mordor, Samwise. It’s pretty far away

Galadriel: Here’s my gift for you

Galadriel: This magic box of dirt

Galadriel: For you to carry with everything else

Galadriel: Mordor sure is far away. And then you gotta come back

Galadriel: I guess I could hold it here for you if you do get back

Galadriel: Nah

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What I’m okay with in the Silmarillion:

Kinslaying

Beren and Luthien dying

Everything that happens to Hurin’s family

Glorfindel and Ecthelion dying

The Nírnaeth Arnoediad

What I’m not okay with in the Silmarillion

Sam Gamgee getting mentioned as “Frodo’s servant”

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Frodo: So the Nazgul are invisible?

Aragorn: Kind of. They cast shadows in our minds, and we feel their presence. The noon sun destroys those shadows, but they can get other people to work for them. Also they all watch Judge Judy from 5-6pm, so we’re safe then. 

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Tolkien: not elephants….i’ll call them…oli…ph…aunts….yeah…oliphaunts. 

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Gandalf in the book: I’ll be at Helm’s Deep with more forces, sometime!

Gandalf in the movie: Look for me at sunrise on the third day just after 9am when you hear a bird chirp three times and then smell something like lemon I’ll be on the northeast hill wearing white robes and I’ll have a new haircut.

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Tolkien Math Problems

Turin runs form Doriath to Dor Lomin at a rate of 30 miles a day. Morwen and Nienor walk from Dor Lomin to Doriath at a rate of 15 miles a day. Consulting a map of Beleriand, please answer how many horrific mistakes Turin will make on this journey, and how many innocent lives will be lost. Show your work.

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Gimli: I killed two orcs

Gimli: Check out the notches in my axe

Gimli: Two is a lot of orcs to kill. Not a lot of people can kill two whole orcs. 

Gimli: Anyways what’s your number?

Legolas: Twenty