Sith Inquisitor Storyline: Drunk History Version
Y’all, and by y’all I mean one person (@sith-shenanigans thank you very much), asked for it, and I live to repeat this over and over for others’ amusement, so here it is. Have my summary of the pinball machine that is the Sith Inquisitor storyline, from memory, originally drafted a while back in DMs with a friend who’s never played SWTOR. Spoilers for the Sith Inquisitor storyline, obviously.
Without further ado: Let us begin.
- So your story begins as a recently sort-of-freed slave walking off a ship and onto Hell: The Planet. (The nonhuman Inquisitor immediately experiences 2483947 microaggressions.)
- You have to compete with a bunch of other people! Only one of you is not going to die and the overseer has already picked his favorite, seemingly purely because he happens to have red skin. They will both (the overseer and Teacher’s Pet) proceed to be as annoying as possible for the rest of the Korriban story.
- multiple people try to kill you, but you’re the protagonist, so fuck them
- “Teacher’s Pet, you go to the library and translate these texts. Protagonist, you go to this ancient tomb and figure out how to retrieve an artifact from a lock that no one has been able to open in ten thousand years.” “Libraries are boring anyway. Yawn.”
- You finally get to smackdown with Teacher’s Pet, which is satisfying as hell. Unfortunately the overseer gets pissy about it. Fortunately, the Sith you’ve been competing to be the apprentice of decided she liked you early on and has also been playing favorites, so you don’t die immediately.
- your master is great! much more into positive reinforcement than most Sith.
- at some point you semi-accidentally steal someone else’s cult on Nar Shaddaa and now they worship you as a nigh-on god. whoops. you just kind of… leave and let them run their own business. you pay them visits later in the storyline.
- you also become part bug so you can go skinny dipping in radioactive waste. it’s fine, we promise.
- your master is trying to steal your body because turns out she’s actually really old and kind of dying so she plans on kicking you out of your body, transplanting her own soul in your place, killing her old body, and assuming your identity after “you” “killed” “your master”! that’s not great, better not let her do that.
- you successfully didn’t let her do that! wait, now she’s sharing a body with one of your companions, an ancient monster who you kind of forced into submission and who serves you rather unwillingly now. there is apparently nothing that can be done about this so sometimes your eight-foot-tall monster not-friend talks in a high, unnervingly smooth feminine voice and tries to convince you she’s on your side now that she’s forced by this new body to not harm you. this is also not great but what are you gonna do. he is also Not Pleased about this by the way, and really who can blame him.
- some darth on the dark council named Thanaton decides to get pissy with you for reasons I don’t remember and now he’s trying to kill you. what the fuck.
- he actually almost does kill you but your old master’s other apprentices, who are now your apprentices, save you from the brink of death.
- (the apprentices, by the way, are very sweet and I love them. they’re murdered by thanaton almost immediately.)
- your solution to “I need more power, fast”, for some godforsaken reason, is “I’m going to learn to walk the line between life and death and EAT GHOSTS” and I wish I were exaggerating this
- you go out and eat a bunch of ghosts of old Sith on various planets
- subpoint to this: on one of these planets, you accomplish this by coercing the ghost’s descendant, a Jedi padawan named Ashara, to get the ghost to appear so you can eat him. You end up murdering her masters in the process because one way or another they find out about your plan. She is understandably horrified by this turn of events and, feeling she has no chance of returning to the Jedi, reluctantly joins your crew and either (Light Side Quizzy) learns to balance light and dark sides of the Force and becomes ultimately stronger for it, or (Dark Side Quizzy) lives in abject terror of you for the rest of the storyline. I love her dearly as well. fortunately she is not murdered by thanaton.
- congrats! you ate enough ghosts to have enough power to beat thanaton up!
- unfortunately, you have Ate Too Many Ghosts Disease now and need immediate medical attention.
- your mind kind of just Shatters and you may or may not have hallucinations for a while iirc. either way you need help or you’re just gonna disintegrate slowly until the ghosts overwhelm you and take over. you go to Voss and participate in some wild Force ritual they’ve got to take care of that. it’s a fun time
- your body is also having a bad time and that also needs fixing; I don’t remember where you go for this (Belsavis, I think?) but you end up checking out a machine made by a long-dead alien civilization and the machine turns out to a) be sentient and b) be responsible for CREATING A GOOD PORTION OF THE GALAXY’S NEAR-HUMAN SPECIES, IF NOT ALL OF THEM, AND DISSEMINATING THEM TO THE GALAXY AS PART OF THE RAKATA’S EXPERIMENTS ON CREATING FORCE-SENSITIVE LIFEFORMS IN HOPES OF KEEPING THEIR OWN SPECIES FROM DYING OUT BECAUSE THEY WERE SUPER RACIST AND EVENTUALLY THAT RACISM KICKED THEM IN THE ASS IN THE FORM OF A MASS REVOLUTION THAT WIPED THEM OUT COMPLETELY BUT THE MACHINE IS STILL HERE
- all right I’m calm sorry I derailed for a moment
- I have a lot of thoughts about things
- anyway the machine bUILDS YOU A NEW FUCKING BODY and you’re good to go now
- (by the way, depending what species you’re playing, it’s entirely possible you learn at this point that your entire species only exists because of this machine!)
- (anyway.)
- okay, mind fixed, body fixed, ghosts consumed, we’re good to go! time to murder a dark councilor!
- “we do that”
- except you don’t because you’re on corellia and this dipshit challenges you to a kaggath without really ever explaining in detail what a kaggath is or what the rules (if any) are, we just know it seems to be the ancient and very formal Sith way of saying “meet me in the denny’s parking lot at 3am if you want an ass-kicking”, and then hE RUNS OFF TO DROMUND KAAS WHICH DEPENDING ON WHAT GALAXY MAP YOU BELIEVE IS UP TO FIVE DAYS’ TRAVEL AWAY
- YOU’RE CANONICALLY JUST CHASING THIS LITTLE BITCH THROUGH SPACE FOR FIVE DAYS AFTER HE CHALLENGED YOU
- he then goes to the Dark Council to try to convince them to help him kill you and you literally have to just go to the Dark Council chambers too and kick in the door and go “HEARD YOU WERE TALKIN SHIT” in front of everyone
- (which to be fair is basically Sith philosophy in a nutshell)
- Ravage and Marr spend this entire council meeting just exchanging tired glances and going “no, fuck you, why can’t you kill them, they’re your problem. fight for our entertainment now. fuck you”
- (Darth Baras did this exact same shit earlier the same day, by the way, with the Sith Warrior. and by “earlier the same day” I mean “like fifteen minutes prior to this.”)
- you fight Thanaton. to no one’s surprise, because you’re the protagonist and because he’s being a little bitch about it, you kick his ass and slaughter him in front of everyone
- half the Council stands up and you just kind of go “oh shit I’m gonna die”
- but no
- you’re being promoted
- congration you done it you’re a dark councilor now
- someone complains because wait, they’re not even a darth, you can’t be a dark councilor if you’re not even a darth
- first person responds with “well fuck you then, we’ll make them a darth. hey you. your name is Darth Nox (dark side)/Imperius (light side)/Occulus (neutral) now. take a seat”
- “but - what?”
- “take a fuckin seat, babe”
- “o- okay"
- “you run the entire Ancient Knowledge sector now, by the way, despite the fact that you may or may not be illiterate due to having been raised a slave, because that was what Thanaton ran and we only have the one job opening since the Warrior just killed Baras”
- (the Warrior, freshly coined the Emperor’s Wrath officially, waves from their corner where they’re cleaning Baras’s blood off their boots)
- “I - okay, I guess”
and that’s the Sith Inquisitor storyline. That’s a wrap, folks, roll credits. if this gets enough notes and/or if literally anyone says they’d like to see it I may also post the Imperial Agent and/or do other class stories, I enjoy these way too much
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