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Finding my religion
For the last 15 years I have been searching for spiritual practice or religion to call my, to belong with.
Growing up in atheist family has left me feeling a little jealous of all those who have strong rooted religious traditions and beliefs in their daily life.
Maybe having religion in your life since childhood makes it a little bit easier to understand world and find meaning in life?!
I think highly religious people question life less. They have religion based order in their minds, explanations to all the most important questions we face in life.
And repeating traditions, rituals, going to church gives peace. Sense of order, sense of belonging.
I do love my freedom. But I have to admit, freedom comes with burden of being responsible for my own rules in life, finding out explanations on my own.
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On a windy day
I found myself in peace looking at horizon. Calmness of mind and the sound of waves crushing against rocks in distance. So beautiful
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Take me Away
Is there anything more exciting than planning a trip!? Planning an adventure knowing it will change you forever.
After u experienced a different part of the world through your eyes, felt it with your fingertips and breathed it in your lungs, you can’t come back and be the same person u were before you stepped out in to unknown.
And what if you never want to come back?!
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And now I want my Freedom
I have spent years feeling guilty that I feel bad in one of my friend's company. I have blamed my self for feeling offended or feeling hurt. I had this friend from high school. And actually I understood toxicity of our relationship only recently.
She always told me I'm her best friend to keep me hanging on and keep me around, but in fact I was just her awkward friend compared to whom she looked better.
The sad part of my story was that I felt like I am treated bad, but kept telling myself I have no right to feel that way.
Because if someone is not openly being mean to me, i didn't felt like I am allowed to feel hurt.
Toxic ways hide under fake smiles and fake promises so often. Too often
Why we need prove to validate our feelings?
Why deny our gut instinct?
Even if the person says that joke was just a joke and I am being uptight for not understanding jokes... I still have right to feel hurt. And if dumb jokes hurts my feelings, I am allowed to feel hurt, I am allowed to feel offended and I have every right to walk away.
People can laugh at me being virgin at 16 or being shy, or laugh at my clothes or my messy hair, but they can't expect me to stand there, accept jokes and feel worthless about who I am.
No,u can't hurt my feelings, laugh about me and then when u see me hurt and ready to leave quickly tell me - "just joking. Ur my best friend".
I'm done. I had enough. That's not how u treat a friend. Im not your friend and obviously never was. I was your damn tool for self esteem boost.
But I'm not anymore. Bye!
I'll walk away and find people who are bigger than that.... people who doesn't need putting others down to make themselves feel good.
I have met such people. I have looked in their eyes and I know for sure they are the ones worth keeping in my life.
Feel love, feel compassion, bring light to others. We all are struggling.
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I watched that movie "Breakthrough" yesterday. It's a real life story about mother who brought her soon back to life with prayers after he was announced brain dead.
If there is higher power, why prayers save or heal one person, but not the other?! It doesn't make sense to me. If prayer didn't work, was it because person didn't had enough faith or didn't prayed hard enough?! How one can measure amount of faith or diligence in praying?! Seems cruel and unfair. I wonder how do Christians explain that to themselves... how it is decided when prayer will be answered and when it won't.
The woman who brought her son back to life in her speech said, it was because of love she saved son. Still seems so unfair... I refuse to believe people who doesn't survive or are not saved were not loved enough.
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Re-creation of self
Life is about creating ourselves and also discovering aspects of ourselves and letting them be seen and heard. By ourselves, by others.
We can be surprised to find parts of ourselves we were hiding away in fear it’s not what is expected from us.
And learning to embrace all there is about our being. Accepting even the darkest corners of our minds.
I’m still looking forward discovering all those things that my soul chosed to resonate with. I know I can recreate myself to strive towards the vibrations of my souls call. And even if I like idea of one true calling. Maybe it’s totally fine to my soul is made like a patchwork blanket from so many things that makes it lighten up.
I followed rules, and expectations, had goals that were not my desires or needs. For majority of people it is easier to follow life goals that they saw growing up and accept them as their own. Without questioning.
I was not aware that my goal is not a destination - not a carrier, a car, a house, etc, etc. I was not aware that all my existence is in this journey of life. My souls experience in this body.
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Finding freedom
Why we like what we like?! It’s still a mystery for me, how my soul chooses what inspires it and makes it feel like it belongs?!
How our being is created in it’s unique way? We don’t necesserely like or want things that are familiar. Our likes and dislikes, our passions are not always close to what was accepted in our family, tought by parents or society we live in.
Some of us wants to run away from familiar. Some of us wants to escape what we were tought and finally find their own freedom. Find their own tribe.
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