dreamerwriternstargazer

[dreamerwriternstargazer]

I lost marks for grammar and for the fact that towards the end of the plan (where I linked sources) I was supposed to expand more on why they were necessary, which I actually avoided doing because I was struggling with the word limit and I didn’t think it required as much detail

Damn it all I needed to add was another sentence or two explaining that the Elizabeth source gives some background on the mythical symbolism to the portrait

*grumbles* and the Fontana source gives more information about the subject who was most likely a well known figure in Italian nobility and was actually rebelling against conventions by dressing so regally as a single woman.

Damn my hurried brain and unwillingness to check my grammar

A low Pass 2, 73%. This will not do. I’m gunning for 100 or nothing on the final

WE GO ALL NIGHT *cries inside*

Did I want to do this? Hell no

I unfortunately was laboured with dinner and clean up because right when it matters most my mum and sister kind

Bail

Burn out

So my hands are a little dry I have some chai and I’m gonna try to get the last of this work done before I die :D

#star speaks #aiming to have the first draft done next week #and then the final ready a week before the due date #so I can take a break from it and then look it over for grammatical errors #I didn’t realise I have such a habit of run on sentences but #well #the ‘tism innit

[dreamerwriternstargazer]

#hah #only true in America #it’s freezing rn in England #miss congeniality

[dreamerwriternstargazer]

Also worth noting I found one of those tiny screen scratches on the screen itself, like the ones you get just from using it without the protector

Which confused me because I don’t think I’ve even had this phone without a screen protector except for when I’ve changed it

Not a big deal but it definitely puzzled me

The bubble still won’t go

That is a big deal

🙃

Did I sleep? No

Did I obsess over the cracked screen protector and finally put on the new one? Yes

Somehow despite it coming in this fancy kit where you have a case which helps you put the thing on, this is the first time I have a small but persistent air pocket (a thin line at the bottom of my phone, literally not even visible but it’s seriously bugging me)

For all the faff like I clearly do a better job putting a screen protector on manually XD

Anyway here’s the old one:

#star speaks #I haven’t slept and it shows #I’m a little loopy #and I was stuck in the toilet earlier 🥲

[dreamerwriternstargazer]

Did I sleep? No

Did I obsess over the cracked screen protector and finally put on the new one? Yes

Somehow despite it coming in this fancy kit where you have a case which helps you put the thing on, this is the first time I have a small but persistent air pocket (a thin line at the bottom of my phone, literally not even visible but it’s seriously bugging me)

For all the faff like I clearly do a better job putting a screen protector on manually XD

Anyway here’s the old one:

#star speaks

[dreamerwriternstargazer]

Oh also

The plan in question (since I posted my messy notes yesterday, these are still messy notes btw)

WE GO ALL NIGHT *cries inside*

Did I want to do this? Hell no

I unfortunately was laboured with dinner and clean up because right when it matters most my mum and sister kind

Bail

Burn out

So my hands are a little dry I have some chai and I’m gonna try to get the last of this work done before I die :D

#star speaks

[dreamerwriternstargazer]

I can’t believe that plan took me an hour to write 💀 hey it’s not even my fault this time there was a specific outline we had to follow and it was basically a mini essay in itself

It’s 8…. Damn it if I had been half an hour earlier I could’ve just gotten a ride with the parents

That said

I have an hour to sleep now?

Or I could shower. Nah I can shower in the evening

Or when I get back

I’ll just rinse my face and nap before work

WE GO ALL NIGHT *cries inside*

Did I want to do this? Hell no

I unfortunately was laboured with dinner and clean up because right when it matters most my mum and sister kind

Bail

Burn out

So my hands are a little dry I have some chai and I’m gonna try to get the last of this work done before I die :D

#star speaks

[dreamerwriternstargazer]

Okay well things just got interesting again I finally read the longer sources and in about half an hour I have suddenly gained a wealth of knowledge about Elizabeth I’s visit to Henry Lee and the intricacies of Bolognese women’s lives and culture and how it’s represented in portraiture in the 16th century

I swear I really have the most random of knowledge squirrelled away in my brain and it’s all fascinating

Anyway

Finally

Thank God

I can just type up my plan, it took a bit to find a primary source for each artwork and I’ve kind of given up bc the one’s in the archive are kind of trash (what I mentioned above are secondary sources) so I’m just doing the plan. I have vague ideas of how gender is explored and affirmed through the Bolognese portraiture as well as challenged (in the case of Elizabeth)

WE GO ALL NIGHT *cries inside*

Did I want to do this? Hell no

I unfortunately was laboured with dinner and clean up because right when it matters most my mum and sister kind

Bail

Burn out

So my hands are a little dry I have some chai and I’m gonna try to get the last of this work done before I die :D

#star speaks #I’m going back to bed as soon as I’m done #Insha’Allah #I mean I’m alert and fascinated now but I’ve also only had an hour and a half of sleep #it’s not the essay that kicks you folks it’s figuring out the brief and then all the research and legwork for the essay

[dreamerwriternstargazer]

Idk about mom’s spaghetti but I took a nap and want to cry

🥹

Powering on (with suhoor) I am tired and just want to be in bed

The nap seemed more productive than what I’ve done the last couple of assignments which was stay up and work real slow and also stare at the screen in a daze

I’m hoping this’ll result in a… result faster

Cheese toastie for suhoor 💙

WE GO ALL NIGHT *cries inside*

Did I want to do this? Hell no

I unfortunately was laboured with dinner and clean up because right when it matters most my mum and sister kind

Bail

Burn out

So my hands are a little dry I have some chai and I’m gonna try to get the last of this work done before I die :D

#star speaks

[dreamerwriternstargazer]

WE GO ALL NIGHT *cries inside*

Did I want to do this? Hell no

I unfortunately was laboured with dinner and clean up because right when it matters most my mum and sister kinda

Bail

Burn out

So my hands are a little dry I have some chai and I’m gonna try to get the last of this work done before I die :D

#star speaks

[dreamerwriternstargazer]

So I had a wild adventure of a dream I’m still reeling waking up from it, I can’t quite explain it properly so maybe as I’ll write it’ll get clear

My love was a werewolf of some kind, not a typical monster sort of thing no, he had been experimented on and turned into a weapon. I have these very specific scenes in my mind, seeing him turn without control and be let loose on people, the result of a dystopian power. But he would calm for me, until he didn’t and they took it as an excuse to execute him

Only it wasn’t a full execution, this world does this, like Missy’s underworld he’s still there he exists he’s just not… with me. I need to get to him. It’s an ancient subterranean temple but I will do anything to bring him back, I will do anything to have him by my side again. I’m travelling to that place of digital ghosts and it’s like entering the cloisters but with a jungle and traps inside, and I do get him back, I hold onto him with everything I’ve got. The way I got him out though is unclear, and I know I didn’t bring him back properly, something’s still wrong. We’re in the street and the world starts collapsing and ending, the problem seems to be a paradox in the underworld vault (not sure if those are the words for it but they came to mind)

I’m holding onto him, worried about him losing control, pressing my face to his and he’s with me even in werewolf form. I think we’re communicating by telepathy, because I can hear his warm, gentle voice in my head ^_^ he’s saying we need to fix this, I ask him to try to help as many people as possible

But they’re fading, switching with new people? It’s like when time gets rewritten and people just fade from existence, and terrifyingly I watch some of my family, the ones I care about, fade, as a dark purple electric storm crashes and screams above us. He loses control for a second and then I have to do everything I can to try to ground him, running after him and holding onto him, reminding him no this is not your purpose…

The next bit is unclear. Something is chasing us. We need to get to the vault and now my mind returns as we get there, a rainforest blooming inside, my love and a team of the few people left, the few people I know. My love remains in a werewolf form to guard us, but I’m worried about it becoming permanent, the agony and energy sapped from him, so I ask him to rest. Seeing him in his actual form again I gaze into his eyes and we talk, and for a few moments everything else fades away

“There’s no guarantee you’ll be able to keep me with you.”

“I am. For better or worse.”

“The vault may not let you, and I won’t let it take you, at cost to myself”

I kneel down and hug him tightly, pressing my face to his shirt. “You’re more precious to me than anything, this isn’t up for debate.”

I look up and see his eyes soften. I think he needed to hear that.

We have to keep moving, and he’s volatile, he can’t always keep control and neither can I keep control over him, but we agree if it’s overwhelming then take it and use it to find whoever’s chasing us

Meanwhile we’re trekking through to each level of the vault. There’s levels? There’s levels. Like an ancient temple, there’s always a catch, a gimmick, but my friends and I are smart and with each move bring someone back. The few I can remember… we’re faced with a room with an open chasm in the middle, and walls with ledges on either side. You can’t fall into the green liquid in the middle, it will burn, you have maybe 10 seconds before it does. The wall behind us, which we entered through, starts pushing through and we have no choice but to jump and climb onto the ledges, they light up with different colours and it turns out you must push the correct ledge down, like a giant keyboard key. Which one is the odd one out?

I seem to have this special tool with me, a rope that always finds its grip, sort of like a lasso of truth, so I fling it over something and swing to one end, I’m staring round and- mum?! A ghost of my mum, a hologram pops up saying I need to chose fast, please choose fast, and I’m even more hurried than before, I spot the odd one out and order everyone to step down on the correct ones

The wall and the far end by me opens up just enough for everyone to climb through, but we all immediately fall and have to grab any handhold we can, I miss it but I’m caught by my love, who throws me quickly to another perch, this room is worse than the last with climbing walls on either side with the acid swamp in the middle. The vault’s decaying and the puzzle isn’t even in action in this one, and… something else. Those holograms are definitely a trick, a self defense mechanism from the vault, because another pops up, and almost pushes me to my doom

I fall briefly into the acid but throw my rope and manage to swing to safety

I can’t remember what else, except that we make it through several layers and my love and I work seamlessly together to figure out how to get round the hunters, as well as the holograms, I can’t remember how but we figure things out and I think Clara and 12 are there with us and help us too. I remember seeing Clara in my dream and talking to her. The electric time storm is still raging behind us and slowly devouring each room as we get deeper and deeper, now rooms look like memories but with hidden hunters in it.

I lose him again, I don’t know how but he’s lost. My heart screams and I’m terrified, what does it mean, can’t I bring him back again? I remember we were in a room, something caught him, I think… the image is fading now but I know that I’m heartbroken and scared I can’t see him again, yet we’ve brought back some others with each level solved.

I’m standing in my Dadi’ammi’s hallway when I’m beckoned over by a hologram, Robin from HIMYM? They’re a bit random sometimes- ah wait, Maria Hill. She says there’s a way to get out but it requires an exchange, exchange her with someone, and she’s eager, turning dark and scary as I realise this isn’t even a trick. It’s her consciousness so desperate to come back she would steal someone else’s.

Did she steal his?

I pull out a knife to threaten her and her image fades and there’s my love, but trapped. Trapped somewhere deeper in the vault and trapped in his werewolf form. I can’t do anything and my voice catches, before the image shifts again.

I kill her, slashing my knife through the hologram. He’s back, he needs to be back, and he is but he isn’t, his image is with me as a hologram but he’s trapped again. I can feel the tears choke me and I cry out “see this is why I worry, you let me worry otherwise this happens!”

“Oh it’s my sickness all over again, it’s okay I’ll make it back Insha’Allah”

I don’t know exactly when this conversation happened it could have been this moment or earlier in the dream… gah it’s so abstract, but I remember this distinctly, my grief.

The moment I wondered, is this a Greek myth? This… feels familiar… Orpheus-

There’s more people to save and I talk to a friend, my a co worker of my sister’s who tries to encourage me, “there’s two left on the map”, two names, names from my text book? Arab names, some scientists who know how to fix what’s collapsing.

I’m scared now. I’ll do anything to bring him back I know I can, and his hologram stays by my side I haven’t lost him completely yet. We’re moving deeper through into another battlefield and I know I can get him back

Time skips are normal in dreams only these ones feel like they’re part of the way it’s collapsing because… I can’t remember now. Another skip but I’m in the midst of battle with him, I’m holding onto him and refusing to let go because I will not leave this vault without him, and I don’t know what happens next because then

I wake up.

#star speaks #star dreams #something something you can tell how massive of an effect Whouffaldi have on my psyche #I essentially recreated it in my mind #to even see a clip after all this time has such a profound effect on me #also this dream did a number on me I was shaking and on the verge of crying when I woke up

[dreamerwriternstargazer]

have you ever seen two people more married in your entire life. please

#of idealists and pragmatists #the way her necklace is so visible the moment she says I’m not going anyway #glinting at us as we gaze at her the same way the Doctor does #knowing this is a very old story. and it ends the same way #also it has been YEARS since I’ve watched any of s9 #my heart just…. warmed and then chilled suddenly #seeing this #like the final embers of a fire glowing before a gust of freezing cold blows it out #the warmth and pain of the bittersweet

[dreamerwriternstargazer]

Things my students say with a straight face:

Me: “Okay so he’s lighting a fire he needs to reach the fireplace, where is a fireplace is it up here *gestures to eye level* or down here?”

“Down”

Me: “Okay so he needs to, to reach the fireplace he needs to…?”

“Make rukoo”

#the WHEEZE I MADE #star speaks

[dreamerwriternstargazer]

So I said I’d nap but the caffeine from my tea kicked in and I stayed working for an extra 20 minutes, then texted my friend while she walked to college and then got back to work and I have very good news ^_^

I’ve read half my sources and I’ve got a good idea on what I can use, I need to read the longer sources but I’ll probably do that on the bus or at work Insha’Allah

I’ve gotten my first essay outline done, I need to write a few more notes on the paintings but I have the basic first impression notes in my first outline anyway

My one issue with my final is paragraphing, I’m a little stuck on how I’ll break up my argument points and maybe I’ll send my tutor my first draft just so he can give me advice on how to change the structure (they can’t help us with content but I think he should be able to tell me where to break up my argument and organise my points) but that’s the final not the essay plan assignment so I can do that after I submit this assignment Insha’Allah

And if you’re at all interested in my Art History studies here are my choices of portraits:

The one chosen for me was the Fontana one on the right, the one I chose to compare it to is the Elizabeth portrait and I’m analysing based on the theme of gender, yes I know that’s so predictable of your Star LISTEN OKAY I COULD DO SOCIAL CLASS BUT COME ON HOW BORING WOULD THAT BE THEY’RE BOTH UPPER CLASS, dull tbh but gender? The way gender is presented/challenged/subverted from the norms of the time period? I know it may not look like it but the Elizabeth one is actually very subversive imo especially considering that this was a portrait of a woman being used to elevate the status of a *male* noble

The Fontana one is not quite as outwardly challenging however there’s some interesting details that don’t align with a feminine portrait of the time

I’m just gonna add my notes here like I’m basically rewriting them XD

#star speaks

[dreamerwriternstargazer]

#star speaks #Praestar vibes #actually not even vibes this is literally us #just a complete mood of course we would be this feral and unstoppable we’re a pair of weebs left alone in Weeb Country #I want to go on a trip with my bestie so bad it actually hurts 🥹 #actually this is Praestar + Nehs vibes bc of the One Piece craze #and Nehs would be feral over everything One Piece #we’d be feral for any chance to get Naruto + Code Geass and GHIBLI merch #Youtube

[dreamerwriternstargazer]

The EXCITEMENT I feel whenever I see that @furrylittlepeach has posted a new vlog is unmatched like 100% my absolute favourite artist to watch on YouTube and always so warming and cosy just 🥰🥰🥰 I cannot wait to watch this after I’m done with this assignment, cosy up with some tea and painting ☺️

#star speaks #I loved the first Seoul vlog it was so fun and sweet #need to properly watch the sketching in the park one #honestly the way these vlogs feel like home to me #especially since the first time I discovered them or like properly sat and and watched one #is such a cosy memory for me and right when I was meeting and forming bonds with my closest friends 🥰 #just ahh all the things #oh and how it was literally a peachtober prompt that helped me bond with my best friend?? over some art I still haven’t finished 🤭 #I am feeling all the feels I need to finish this bit of studying so I can nap before work I get so sentimental smh

[dreamerwriternstargazer]

Spoke to the stars about you once. They said you have a soft heart but allow emotion to consume you too quickly

#^_^

[dreamerwriternstargazer]

The nazis that you see in movies are as much a historical fantasy as vikings with horned helmets and samurai cutting people in half.

The nazis were not some vague evil that wanted to hurt people for the sake of hurting them. They had specific goals which furthered a far right agenda, and they wanted to do harm to very specific groups, (largely slavs, jews, Romani, queer people, communists/leftists, and disabled people.)

The nazis didn't use soldiers in creepy gas masks as their main imagery that they sold to the german people, they used blond haired blue eyed families. Nor did they stand up on podiums saying that would wage an endless and brutal war, they gave speeches about protecting white Christian society from degenerates just like how conservatives do today.

Nazis weren't atheists or pagans. They were deeply Christian and Christianity was part of their ideology just like it is for modern conservatives. They spoke at lengths about defending their Christian nation from godless leftism. The ones who hated the catholic church hated it for protestant reasons. Nazi occultism was fringe within the party and never expected to become mainstream, and those occultists were still Christian, none of them ever claimed to be Satanists or Asatru.

Nazis were also not queer or disabled. They killed those groups, before they had a chance to kill almost anyone else actually. Despite the amount of disabled nazis or queer/queer coded nazis you'll see in movies and on TV, in reality they were very cishet and very able bodied. There was one high ranking nazi early on who was gay and the other nazis killed him for that. Saying the nazis were gay or disabled makes about as much sense as saying they were Jewish.

The nazis weren't mentally ill. As previously mentioned they hated disabled people, and this unquestionably included anyone neurodivergent. When the surviving nazi war criminals were given psychological tests after the war, they were shown to be some of the most neurotypical people out there.

The nazis weren't socialists. Full stop. They hated socialists. They got elected on hating socialists. They killed socialists. Hating all forms of lefitsm was a big part of their ideology, and especially a big part of how they sold themselves.

The nazis were not the supervillians you see on screen, not because they didn't do horrible things in real life, they most certainly did, but because they weren't that vague apolitical evil that exists for white American action heros to fight. They did horrible things because they had a right wing authoritarian political ideology, an ideology that is fundamentally the same as what most of the modern right wing believes.

#politics #naziism