doctorlovesick
ME, ME, ME, ME, ME, ME, ME, ME, ME, ME, ME, ME, ME, ME, ME, ME,
we will never be alone again
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but even then im optimistic. its only been up as of late. ive only gone up
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also idk ive gotten way better at not being scared that people hate me. but this makes me fall into kinda apathy bc im bad at texting ppl first and it makes me really anxious but when i dont worry that im hated. i dont worry about talking often either. its hard i need to balance things out so i canactually be a DECENT FRIEND LOL
#i havent msged her in like 10 days its just exhausting to initiate so so often ugh#its so hard to text first. makes me anxious. always get scared to do it. but i have to or we jutt dont talk#like she does text first occasionally but not enough for us to talk often. ugh#why cant everyone be obsessed with me this bores me!! YAWN#and ive been dying to get closer with her all of last year but this hsa caused me so much stress for soooo long#she did nothing wrong. people who dont txt first are just hard for me to deal with ;\#like im just tired idk
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i miss the people who hurt me 😁😁😁😁😁i miss the people who hurt me!!!
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I miss when my blog was popular but i cant be bothered to make those corny yanderecore images anymore lol
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and like the thing with self love and being kind to yourself is it feels so weird and wrong im like "no i cant say these nice things about myself im an awful person and i need to remember that at all times to atone for it" girl what are you talkinv about. you are just some guy. and ill just keep saying nice things about myself till they feel true. because its ok and im allowed to do that
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we stay normal
#im having episodes still where im too scared to talk but like#i feel like they dont hate me anymore#like i dont think they hate me anymore i think they like me actually im just a little shy but thats it#because im not hateable or horrible or insufferable actually. i am a pretty normal guy#im pretty normal.#this is whathappens when u do that self love shit or whatever it punches bpd to the ground i think#and like still ive been a little depressed but its ok nothing i cant get back up from#im not scared anymore cuz ive gotten better at helping myself#:P
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also also i dont have a crush on v anymore i think
#i actually doubt that i ever did im just so insane that i get that obsessed over potential friends. idk#like its that serious to me its as serious as romance.#i mean i think i had a crush on her at some point but after getting to know her this much it just kinda passed#she gives me way too much emotional trouble completely accidentally anyway we'd be a bad match LOL#just need to sort my shit out and be her friend properly and im ok with that#i love her very very much and its all platonic but still just as deep! thats just how it is for me#v tag
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Ok ive been so good at being normal lately I havent broken down in the entirety of January :3 :3 :3 :3
#90% sure saying this is gonna jinx it but um.#you know what ive gotten better at picking myself up after a breakdown so you know what its fine if i do get worse again.#i can always get back up#someone congratulate me pleeeeeeeas please pleaseeeeee#finally doing something good finally in my shitty life
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ok. she left me on read lol
#we were having a great conversation then i asked something and shes just not replying :(#im trying to tell myself its not personal cuz i really doubt it but that hurts really bad i can tell shes here shes listening to spotify#so i dont get it#that hurts#v tag
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trying 2 self therapy from now on using internal family systems i hope this shit can fix me LMAO
#it does look promising so far tho genuinely#like separating crazy bpd feelings into little ppl makes it way easier to calm myself down i almost cant believe it#i only found out abt this yesterday and its already guiding me like at least a lil bit
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three hundred days of talking to each other and i still haven't managed to become a close friend to her how pathetic is that really
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