discombobudating-blog

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Photographers

“I thought you weren’t talking to Photographer Guy anymore,” said a friend of mine.

“No I’m not, this is the other one.”

“Ohhhh Crouch End photographer man?”

“No, the other one.”

You get the gist.

The trend is apparent: I’m drawn to photographers - something that shouldn't be a surprise given that photography has always been a strong interest of mine. I wonder if we’re all drawn to individuals who are professionals in areas that we’re interested in.

I work in Human Resources.

*places order of 12 cats for inevitable spinsterhood*

#photographers #interests #professions #spinsterhood #cats

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Skills

I’m learning a lot about myself through this process. I know that chemistry is of high importance to me, that a third arm is a no-no, and that you really shouldn’t have to meet anybody whose photo you have to squint at (really squint at) to figure out whether or not you find them attractive.

I’m also learning about my skills, the prime one being my ability to end things nicely, perfectly in fact, before they’ve even begun. I’ve exercised this skill a few times - most recently with Crouch End (tick) photographer (tick) man (tick) (hmmm, hang on…). Friends are even approaching me for said skill.

I’m always happy to discover that I have new skills, though I can’t help but see the irony that, when it comes to online dating, my key strength is the ability to end things nicely.

I’m starting to feel like a premiership footballer at the Winter Olympics (OK, maybe analogies aren’t a skill of mine…).

#skills #endingthingsnicely #nicelydoesit #analogies

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Penis

Him: I'm looking for a nice and clever woman to have sex with. I'd like to meet you for sex. Me: Sounds good! I fact I'm free this evening. I hope my penis won't be an issue; I promise to keep it under control. Continuing to get those kicks...

#morekicks #kicks #jaded #penis

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Chemistry!

I'm always banging on about chemistry and how important it is, and last night I experienced it. What a sweet relief it was from the 'nice' dates I've had! Chemistry is such a curious thing. The guy I enjoyed it with is somebody I would never ever have swiped right to on one of my apps. Nothing about him is what I'd normally go for. And yet there is was. Sweet, undeniable chemistry. It made me wonder if we're all missing out, if we're left swiping people we would experience it with, because chemistry is something you can't feel from behind a screen. Even if that's all it is, I'm enjoying the feeling that it brought. Amen to chemistry.

#chemistry #notmytype #amen

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Digits

Twice in the last two weeks a guy has given me his number. In person. No screen to hide behind. This is something that has never happened to me before, ever. Guys will normally drunkenly grope me in a bar/nightclub or keep looking from across the room but never approach. I'm riding high on the waves of actual human contact. Who'd have thought it!

#digits #number #humancontact

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Blood

Him: I’m extremely adventurous in the bedroom, nothing scares me. What would you like me to do?

Me: I’d like you to cut me with a knife then drink my blood whilst making love to me.

Get your kicks where you can.

#blood #drinkmyblood #kicks

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Hands down pants

I’ve gotten so lazy with my online dating, but recently decided to have a quick browse to see what I’ve been missing out on.

A photo of a man lying down, eyes closed, with his hands down his pants came up on my screen.

I have no words.

Sincerely, Lucky Lady

#handsdownpants #luckylady #lazy

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Seventeen

I find it funny how excited my coupled-up friends get when I let them play on my Tinder. So, on a recent Friday night out with two coupled-up friends, I felt I had to oblige. They spent a good while on the app and, several bottles of wine later, I woke up the next day to 17 matches and conversations. Seventeen. I'm now seriously thinking of hiring a full-time Tinder manager.

#tinder #friendsloveit #datingsapps #tindermanager

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Waiting for butterflies

Despite having a nice date with him, I decided not see Mr Photographer a second time. He was a perfectly nice guy and had wanted to see me again, and I was tempted, but I didn't feel any attraction or chemistry. I may be foolish, but I'm still waiting for butterflies. I've been single for a long time and I think it's the least I deserve. Fast forward five years to when I'm settled down with 'John' who I fancy when I squint whilst inebriated...

#butterflies #still waiting #mrphotographer #chemistry

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Hello again Mr Perfect

Facebook has just ‘suggested’ that Mr Perfect and I become friends! He’s looking as lovely as ever, with his perfect smile, perfect eyes, perfect gaze and perfect bloody guitar.

Grrrr.

This feels like a big virtual slap in the face.

#mrperfect #Facebook #slapintheface

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The multi-swipe

Last weekend I hung out with a friend and her new boyfriend who she met on Tinder. I had to ask him a question that I, along with a few girlfriends of mine who have also dabbled in online dating, have been pondering: why do men ‘match’ you then not bother to have a conversation?

He summed it up pretty quickly: men 'right swipe’ every single profile - the 'multi-swipe’ - before sifting through their matches to decide who they really like.

This gives false hope: that moment of innocent happiness and intrigue when I match with someone has now been replaced with a large dose of cynicism.

I suddenly feel like one of those token contestants on The X Factor, blindly taken through the rounds, thinking they have a shot in hell of succeeding.

#themultiswipe #xfactorcontestant #innocencegone #cynicism

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Refreshingly weird

is how Mr Photographer described me, after asking me out on a second date. After all the prodding, poking, hitting and presenting, I'd say I need to hold my head high and wear that title with pride.

#refreshinglyweird #weird

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More first date lessons

Lesson number 10 - Don’t go to jokingly hit your date then actually give him a bloody good punch (clearly those Thursday boxing classes are paying off).

Lesson number 11 - Don’t request that he holds your mirror whilst you remove your contact lenses. Lots of poking and prodding at close range is not attractive.

Lesson number 12 - When he comments that your handbag is like a small suitcase, don’t assume that’s an invitation to then present to him in game show fashion every single item from said handbag.

#lessons #firstdate #punch #prod #present

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Lesson number 9

Don't tell your date about your blog, it'll only drive them crazy. Oops.

#lessons #blog #overshare

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Great expectations

So I haven’t updated for a good few days for two main reasons:

- I’ve been too busy/lazy to hunt and swipe - I’m only talking to one person (Mr Photographer) and it already feels so built up that I haven’t wanted to mention it on here and make it real.

Mr Photographer and I are meeting tomorrow after over six weeks of texting. This is long in the virtual world; in reality we’d have been talking but not meeting for over a decade.

Every time he says he’s excited to meet me I hide my phone, then, some ten hours later, reply with a very British ‘thank you’. He’s very lucky to be meeting me for a date.

Truth be told, I am excited too - he seems NICE and NORMAL and CARING and really INTERESTING that I don’t dare allow myself to entertain the thought that he might be interested and we’ll actually get on in person.

Of course I won’t tell him any of this. I’ll slap on that red lippy as soon as the clock strikes 5pm and I’ll be elegant as a swan (whilst quaking underneath).

He’s a lucky man, that photographer guy.

#mrphotographer #firstdate #nice #normal #caring #interesting #swan #greatexpectations

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Premonition

I was 'liked' by a guy who, upon browsing his profile, seems really nice and normal. I then noticed that he refers to the fact that he's looking forward to 2013. A nice and normal looking person has been online dating for over THREE years. I've been doing this for almost three months and I'm feeling tired. I'm having a premonition. I feel sick.

#threeyearsonline #premonition

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Question of the day

Why do we mourn relationships that never even happened? I'm finding myself doing this when thinking about Bristol Man. He seemed so lovely, normal, friendly, interesting and, well, perfect that I could've even overlooked a third arm! I'd have found good use for that perfect third arm.

#questionoftheday #mrperfect #bristolman #mrnormal #thirdarm