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diary-sc · 3 years
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March 21 2021
23:39
Tired
I am not feeling as bad as I used to but I did make a mistake along the way. My friend fell in love with me and I can’t help myself from becoming distant. She had decided to use me as her stable to keep herself alive and I am simply not built for long term relationships. I am a come-and-go. I don’t know what to do about it if I’m being quite honest with myself and I wish she didn’t form feelings for me at all. She has noticed I’ve become distant and I can’t help it.
I am still behind in my assignments but it is okay. I am very tired with life and everything in general right now so I wish I could just take a soul sleep. I know I said I wasn’t feeling as bad as I was in January but I’m still not doing great I suppose. I want to be kind but at the same time it’s a lot easier to just put on my armour. Homicidal ideation gave me strength and I want it back. I feel weirdly naked right now and I kind of wish it came back. I do feel something coming back but I’m not sure which bad habit of mine it’s going to be.
I truly wish people would stop depending on me. I was just trying to help, yet nobody can help me. Everything she says has become annoying and irritating to me. I wish I could just go into a coma for a bit but I don’t want to hear a single thing in my coma. I’m far too tired for that.
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diary-sc · 3 years
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February 2 2021
21:33
Suicide Joke Mishap
One of my internet friends made a joke about suicide in a form of a pick up line to me today. I lost my cool. My head became overwhelmed and the physical feeling wasn’t fantastic. It’s the first time I’ve made any sort of reaction to a suicide joke and I’m not sure why I was so iffy about it as I’ve made my own suicide jokes.
Perhaps it’s because she knew and she made it into some sort of trashy pick up line from TikTok. Normally I would just call these things stupid but my brain decided that it was the time to overreact. The feeling that was in my head was like an overpowering entity inside my skull. I need some form of release but I don’t have any. I don’t know what to do with myself. I didn’t do any school work today despite my AP deadlines being on Friday and I’m severely behind.
Someone please help me.
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diary-sc · 3 years
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February 1 2021
18:52
Reaching Out Ends in Failure
I’ve told a few people that I want to die. I’ve told two online friends and my sister. My sister didn’t understand but she insisted she did. It was similar concepts but very different. Her depression has always been high functioning. I am very much not like that and I have many other contributing issues. I said I wanted a therapist and she asked what I hoped to achieve with that. I don’t know? Help? Isn’t this what I’m supposed to do? It was annoying. She called me selfish for wanting to commit suicide and leaving the family depressed. I don’t care about you people. You can cry all you want over some person you had no idea what was like. You’re crying over a fucking stranger at this point.
An online friend of mine I had for five years said that “it will all get better” and I don’t know what the future is like. You’re a fucking idiot, you know that? Did you not read anything that I sent you? The certain future that I will have is WHY I’m pretty DoWn iN tHe dUmPs. It was painful. Saying how everything is going to get better and I don’t know what the future holds. Bitch, I do. That’s the whole point. I KNOW what it’s going to be. It’s not like “oh boy, my family sucks so I want to kill myself.” It’s “oh boy, the entire future that WILL be sucks so it’s better if I kill myself.” I want to kill myself because I don’t want the ACTUAL future. The work, the stress, everything? It’s a legitimate future and I KNOW it’s going to happen because that’s just how life works. You go to college and get a job. It’s not rocket science. I’m going to be even more fucking miserable then so I really don’t want to live in that, so I would rather die. It’s not a question of “will it get better?” That’s not how this works, lady. She was on about how she just got over her depression and then went on how she was just over exaggerating her issues and faking them. There are many levels of delusional happening and I hate it here.
The second online friend I told I’ve had for a few months and they’ve come the closest to understanding. The only problem is that they have BPD and I’m their FP. Fucking end it all.
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I would love to leave the friendship but this is the second time I’ve been threatened with a person committing suicide when I’ve tried to leave. It’s tiring and I just want to have some sort of stable friendship. She’s obsessed and it’s difficult.
I’m not sure what to do. I just want to relax all day. I want to relax for once. I’m tired of the constant needs of people and everything that’s surrounding me. I want to get away. I want to run away. I want to have time to myself. A time to just be myself. A time where I don’t have to talk and nobody knows my face or name. A place where nobody recognises me at all. I want to be a stranger. A ghost of a memory that nobody remembers. I want to be one of the countless people you walk by on the streets.
Nobody seems to understand and I’m not sure anymore. I want to run away from it all. Just to be engulfed in complete darkness where I can’t see or hear anything. All I want is to hear the music I choose. Everything you see is no longer natural. Every object designed to be shoved down your throat for marketable purposes. God I hate this. I hate looking at everything. The walls, the floors, objects, outdoors. I hate it all. I hate colours. I just want to escape.
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diary-sc · 3 years
Text
February 1 2021
18:25
Solitary Confinement
My entire life is solitary confinement. I’m nearly 18 and nobody has loved me, seen me, heard me, or touched me. I am imprisoned in this body and there’s no way out. Even after death, people will only see me for what my prison is despite it all. They can only see, touch, and hear my prison walls. It’s horrible and I’m alone. I’m tired of being alone. I don’t want to be alone anymore.
I’m not a very social person but I would at least like to be seen. I want to be seen at least, but I will never be seen. Nobody will ever touch me or hear me. My true feelings and thoughts are gargled and massacred into the English thoughts that come out of the prison’s bars. Nothing is enough. I want.
It’s been nearly 18 years and here I am. I am on the verge of losing it all. I’m trying not to genuinely lose my mind. Sometimes I wonder if it would be better to finally snap but I always reach some sort of near climax before it all climbs back down. It’s like I’m being tempted. People will just call it a tragedy and that I’m just a monster so I don’t know. If I commit suicide, I’m just another tragic number as before. Nothing changes but people pretend like it’s somehow important. I’m not happy. I haven’t been happy my whole life. My childhood wasn’t happy. I was never happy. I want to die. I want to stop seeing. It’s too much. I’m experiencing sensory overload despite it just being normal surroundings. The colours are too bright and things move too much. Things are too loud. I’m tired and it’s too much. I’m overwhelmed just by simple scenery.
I wish somebody would help me. I want someone to help me. Nobody will fucking help me. I’m going to die.
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diary-sc · 3 years
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January 26 2021
22:06
Friends and Food
My “friends” will exchange gifts often. You have the usual birthdays, Halloween white girl shit, Valentine’s Day, Christmas, Easter, really any sort of occasion they can make an excuse to give each other things. I never participated in it from a young age so I was obviously left out at an older age, which doesn’t bother me terribly since they like to spend a lot on each other and I can’t even remember a single birthday out of all of them.
Because I am not used to reiceiving things from people, when people give me things unprompted my being goes numb for a second. I’m not used to it but it makes me feel like an equal. Food, items, really anything. We were watching a movie in our class once and a friend of mine offered to share her food out of the blue. It was a new and wonderful feeling but it’s extremely hard to come by. Thank you, Reese. I actually felt eye-to-eye with you for one of the first times in my life.
I suppose it’s kind of my fault that I am secluded in the way I am. I was around the 1st grade when I got invited to my best friend’s birthday party. She was my first ever friend that I made in kindergarten. It was a little unconventional as all we did was make eye contact and I asked directly “do you want to be friends?” I was a very smooth child, obviously. I never had a problem before but the moment my mother pulled into her driveway I felt the strong urge to leave. Her and her other friends were playing tag and I just looked at my mom with social regret. I was quite excited to go but at that moment I realised I wasn’t going to have a fun time for some reason. I just didn’t want to be there.
My mother dropped the present off inside saying that I got sick and we went home. The best friend remembered it for all those years and she still mentions it to me. I still say I got sick but she is pretty convinced I bailed. It’s not that I didn’t WANT to be there; it’s just that I didn’t w a n t to be there. I liked her a lot. She was my best friend. She even remembers the gift despite the fact that I didn’t even show up. My bad~
I never went to a birthday party ever again. I had only visited five friends’ houses in my life and I am plenty okay with that. One of those times being to avoid visiting my mother. I guess if you were looking it was already obvious I had problems as a child. My antisocial behaviour even at that young of an age should of been a bit alarming but that’s a-okay. The past is in the past. I now no longer visit anyone as each child has become a homophobic/transphobic/conservative/racist/religious scumbag. I do sometimes wish I could make actual friends but that is an impossible task to do here.
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diary-sc · 3 years
Text
January 26 2021
14:03
Mystery Illness
My abdomen hurts quite a lot. It’s become much more frequent on the third day and I’m not sure what to do other than visit a doctor. I’m assuming nothing that serious is wrong and it just really hurts, so it can probably be fixed with medication. My sister wants to get the illness I have as well so she can “get skinny.” It’s not worth it. The pain is severe and goes off and on throughout the entire day. Your only break is sleep.
I have other concerns though. I have to do my classes but I’m honestly in pain a lot of the time so I don’t ever want to do them. I love this life. My body won’t hold onto any food so I probably need pills so I don’t get malnutrition. I am probably losing weight right now so that’s neat but I would rather just continue my existence than lose a few pounds. I have to find a doctor to take me in because this is ridiculous. If it is a long-term thing, I’m not even going to bother.
It’s not worth it. Why would I endure the pain of the day if I am just going to kill myself anyways? If it is long-term, I will be killing myself within the first week of diagnosis. I haven’t really started my classes for today yet and I don’t want to. I’m really taking “my life is miserable” to another step now. Now I am more physically miserable than before! It is most likely something short-term but I cannot stand the pain that long. It’s already been three days and all I eat and drink just prompts more pain, but I am forced to eat or else I feel nauseous.
I have experienced a lot of different pains and they all hurt quite differently on your soul. My worst years of depression I felt like every cell in my body was rotting. Somehow I prefer the rotting cells over this. I would honestly rather break my leg because that’s not that painful at all. Stress fracture, break, migraines, honestly anything but this. I’m not having a good time, obviously.
Update: I made an appointment but they can’t get me until February 8th. Either I will be over the illness by then or it will still be there and I am going to be in pain. An internet friend of mine and I have a $20 bet on what we think is wrong. Currently I am betting on E. coli while she thinks it’s inflammatory something.
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diary-sc · 3 years
Text
January 25 2021
12:55
Societal Contribution to My State
I feel like writing a lot today it seems. I feel like I should touch on the idea that family alone is not the only contributor as to how I am now.
As I’ve mentioned before, I grew up in a religious/homophobic/racist/conservative town. Thankfully I didn’t turn out like any of my “friends” mainly due to my heavy involvement on the internet at a young age. I don’t like any of these people and I seriously wish I could have real friends. I did end up making a lot of internet friends that come and go throughout my lifetime simply because that was my best resort.
Growing up in this town was a piece of cake but it definitely did its damage for all the reasons you wouldn’t really assume. I actually grew up as the kindest child there without a doubt. Compared to my classmates, I was an angel among men. I did not shit talk my classmates, I gave people presents, I let people borrow my things, I was nice to everyone (and I mean EVERYONE), and I overall only said nice things about other students because at the time I’ve only ever known the basic kindergarten principles for a long time (be nice to everyone, treat everyone how you want to be treated, etc.).
Within my friend group, they would stand within the school corner and talk about how much they didn’t like this one friend who they all ended up really liking later in life and I ended up disliking this person. This seemed to stick as the last time I was with my friends they were shit talking another friend who hadn’t really done anything “wrong.” They hated her only on the basis that she was “annoying” but the only thing she ever did was repeat her stories because she felt like nobody was listening to her. I was the only person who ever bothered to listen to her ever it seemed.
These were all worthy contributors but it did not pack enough punch. From the very beginning, I would be chosen by the group to play the role of the villain in every single made up game. This concept continued on and on every year. I never wore anything that was emo or did anything that was particularly “dark” but I was deemed the dark one my entire life. I was jokingly called Satan by my Christian peers on a yearly basis and it came to the point where even the teachers played into the idea that I was some kind of dark evil kid. My old choir teacher had an entire song version that was played in a dark-like theme with my name slapped to it (which all the younger students learned as well).
So they villainised a child. I seriously don’t know how else would they expect me to grow up? If you villainise the child, the child is going to grow up a villain. And that’s exactly what I did. Eventually the title ate at me and I broke in the 6th grade. I was already an unhappy child and pretty much depressed at the age of 9 so it really wouldn’t take that long for me to embrace the title and just show them what kind of person I could be.
The once loving and kind child grew cold and was on the search for chaos. I spun different tales and did what I pleased, yet a part of me couldn’t completely let go as I had listened to everyone and what they were saying. I had some pity for those kids who were considered “weird” as they were talked about as if they were no longer human beings. I found a level of sympathy as it was often brought to my attention that my classmates didn’t think I was human either and I mean quite literally. I’ve had a couple or so classmates go up to me and say what they thought I was. I’ve heard demon and Satan a few times, Satan’s significant other, skin-walker, a god, and finally an alien. Even those who thought I was a human being were not immune to the attitude it brought as I was dehumanised completely.
This did not help with anything and so I suppose I only got worse as my title was further being pushed on me. With all things considered, I didn’t want to turn out this way at all. I wanted to be accepted, to be human, and overall I wanted to be a friend. I was stripped of most things. I have no real friends, I am no longer human, I am not accepted, and there was no family. The only thing I really had was my villain title and I guess it never went away.
I was not a bad kid at all. I had good grades, I did well in all my classes, and I was easily the best English student of that school. All things considered, I was at a college reading level in the 7th grade so I was already ahead of pace. I lost all interest in reading and now I kind of hate it. I can’t imagine anyone reading all of this. It’s way too much but I have a lot of trouble fitting my words into small bunches with accurate descriptions. I never got in trouble either. I was a good kid and my teachers loved me. Even those teachers that everyone hated because they were super strict and harsh.
I was a very capable student. I could write very well, I had advanced placement for math, I could draw a lot better than any of my other classmates, but I honestly didn’t like any of these things. I used to but they faded out with age and I was just left with the most useless set of skills I’ve had in a while. All my teachers have relatively high hopes for what I can become but I always had different ideas in mind.
From the bare eye, there’s not much of anything that you could see that indicated I was troubled. I looked like an accomplished student and I was successful. Of course, I’m not keeping up that game anymore this year. I don’t read any of the lessons and I cheat on everything. I am behind in my classes and I’ve gotten grades in the Bs rather than my usual A. I seriously can’t keep up the act anymore. It’s finally caught up to me and I’ve let it go. I am thankful for corona as I have been given the tools to just let loose and no longer see anyone that I know.
I would like to believe that it’s clear to others who read this that I am self-aware. I know my issues, I know who I am, and I know exactly how I got here. There actually isn’t anything wrong with me besides the murder “box” that is defined. It’s the only part where I have ever wavered in morals and ethics. I am able to indicate that things such as rape are very wrong and I should never do it but for some reason I am not able to process that murder is wrong. My brain simply won’t comprehend the concept.
This isn’t the person my younger self ever wanted to be and it’s not a person I want to be now. I am quite sorry that my younger self didn’t grow up the way they expected to. I am sorry for those who I have hurt and those who I will hurt in the future. If I ever end up killing someone, I will be the most apologetic to them as nobody deserves death. If I end up killing myself, I am sorry to those who are inconvenienced and I’m sorry to myself who I let down completely. We were going to live a normal life, have pets, experience things, and have fun with others. I’m really fucking sorry it turned out this way.
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diary-sc · 3 years
Text
Janaury 25
04:42
A Little Motherly Context
I know this is extreme and I’ve already made two posts tonight but I want to dedicate a post to my mother specifically for a lot of reasons.
As I said before, my mother became poor and I was to live in a poor lifestyle along with her and my four other siblings. Within the apartments, there was cockroach problems, crumbs covering the carpets, and overall chaos. We had switched apartment rooms within the complexes of the one landlord we had. My mother gave up her bed so my sister and I could sleep on it instead while she slept on the three kid’s beds pushed together on the end. The bed we slept in had no cover, was covered in lipstick stains along with other questionable looking spots, and we practically soaked in food crumbs. Classy.
My siblings were always a hassle. The oldest half-sibling would throw large fits and throw all the toys down the stairs while screaming at the top of her lungs, the twin boy was a total crybaby, the twin girl was a complete sweet heart (I have hope for you, please don’t let me down), and my oldest sister also happened to be a giant crybaby about e v e r y t h i n g. There was never any peace in this household as there was always crying, screaming, or loud yelling.
My mother has a new abusive boyfriend every month. It is becoming impressive how persistent it is, but my sister did not take these instances light hearted and would have a breakdown just about every single week. I do not blame her though. When I was younger I would ball my eyes out every single time I was brought there by my dad. Eventually your emotions become null to this pain and it’s no longer a problem.
I find my mother quite hilarious, you know. The father of my three younger siblings had hit me rather hard on the back before as a method to get me to move out of the way (while he honestly could of just moved around). My mother had a freak out and called the cops (note to others: the cops won’t help you). There was a large red handprint on my back and nothing was done about it. She left his home for a while only to go back. This isn’t a new concept of course. She had always said “I’m going to focus on my children now. I care for you blah, blah” only to get a new boyfriend within the next two weeks of saying that every time. Eventually she gave up on that speech so at least she isn’t lying as much anymore.
It got worse with age. It came to the point where one of the boyfriends pinned a small child (I believe she was about 7 or 8 years old at the time) to the wall out of anger. My mother did not bat an eye while her young children were wailing and crying at the boyfriend to not hurt their sister. She has abandoned us while pretending like she cares time to time. I was used to this but my sister had a breakdown. My mother is broken and I have abandoned her as well. If you dare even shed a tear of my death, my dear mother, you should know where a lot of the fault lies.
It was not terribly long ago that I had given myself a stress fracture in my left foot. My father was in the room with me and the doctor had said that my blood pressure was a little high. My father took the opportunity to smoothly call me fat, lacking in diet, as well as exercise. This wasn’t the first time but it certainly does hurt. Eventually I was crying in my room (which is not a normal occurrence so it was a little unfortunate) when my mother had called me. She could tell that I was crying over the phone earlier and she acted like she was pretty upset with my dad for the comments that he had made. She gave me an entire pep talk and how my dad is a complete idiot for even making the comments.
You know what I did? I cried out of joy because in that moment I was honestly convinced that my mother loved me. What a fucking idiot. A 15 minute phone call cannot make up a lifetime of misery. You honestly think she LOVES you? She has chosen her abusive boyfriends over her children. She doesn’t actually care about you at all. It was a cute thought though. I wish I was one of those insecure people who just have bad thoughts about the situation because they’re insecure, but this is the reality of my existence.
I know it has come to her attention that I am trying to leave her behind and for that I can see why she tried to be a mother during my rare crying session. She has repeatedly tried bribing me with items and being nice to me whenever I am forced by my sister to go see her. I hope she doesn’t expect it to actually work because I don’t hold much value in tangible things anymore.
My mother’s nickname for me was either Bear or Half-ass. The last birthday I had spent there I was yelled at and forced to clean her house that I didn’t even live in. She gets money from the government for my EXISTENCE, yet I don’t see a single dime of it because that’s how it is. Recently she was able to get disability though. I like to think it is understandable as to why I don’t love my mother.
Just because your parents have birthed you, that doesn’t mean you’re required to love them. If your parents are complete dog shit, you don’t have to love them and nor do you have to see them. You aren’t required to talk to them or spend time with them. Why would you? Because they’re your parent? Wake up. Don’t stay around absuive people no matter what their title is concerning you. You know what happens when married couples don’t like each other anymore? They get divorced. Sure, you share the same DNA as these people but you honestly think that means something in a relationship? It’s not a strong bond unless you make it one. Leave while you can and if you can.
My mother and father did not love me so I definitely don’t feel any sort of obligation to love them back in the slightest. My parents are the reason why I am this fucked up so I seriously wish they were both dead right about now. Both of them are oblivious to their child. I was ignored my entire life. My dad was more intersted in his work and my mother only wanted boyfriends. My father had sometimes come home late after his hockey games to read me fables. I was raised on fables. He likes to pride himself in the idea that he did such a good job raising me. Sir, I want to kill you and people in general as well as myself. You have absolutely no idea how badly you fucked up.
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diary-sc · 3 years
Text
January 25 2021
04:18
Gratitude Isn’t My Strong Suit
I know it’s all been negative so far but I want to touch on some things in my life that aren’t as negative. They still come from negative backgrounds so I can’t promise any happiness in these times.
Despite all of my murder thoughts and urges, I have grown as a person and I am relatively happy that I have. I’m no longer as rude or selfish as I was. I now take into consideration of how other people are feeling and applying it to the situations I get myself into. So to say the least, I’m no longer the asshole I was, but I will also admit that I do have a slip up time to time but they are very minor. I do try my best though. I want to be a better person.
When I was growing up my mother became pretty poor. She had to live in shabby apartments where the neighbours would offer you crack outside of their door. I find it funny, my mother did not. She could only afford a few (like 2) pots and pans. She has 5 children: me, my older sister, younger sister, and twins (boy + girl). The three younger ones have a different father who snorts crack with his girlfriend. Must be love.
She could only survive off of food stamps and to make matters worse she had been diagnosed with MS. Despite the MS, she had to work for the landlord with physical labour in order to pay her rent. She would clean and redo his other apartment complexes which was a lot of work. In a very fun sense of irony, my father was not poor in the slightest.
My father is a surveyor who owns his business. Earns a lot more than what I initially thought. He was with a step-mother of mine for a while who went crazy. She became very religious and spent her nights slamming the cupboards in the kitchen. My father had noticed that the step-mother had some kind of vendetta against me and repeatedly hated me as a small child. My sister grabbed me by the shoulders one day and told me not to cry once she said that they were getting a divorce. No offence woman, but I’m the last person here who is gonna cry over modern Mother Mary. She even talked shit about me to her son. I was a CHILD. It was very strange.
Anyways, back to my mother. My dad has bought her a home and paid a lot of the bills (still does). My mother had also recieved a shit ton of cash from my grandparents. My mother lives there currently along with her 3 youngest children. My sister and I live with our father.
I have a lot of issues with gratitude. I have tried to be grateful for the things I have but I am finding it a lot harder than what it needs to be. I live an “upper-middle class” life with a dog who was nearly $3,000 as a birthday present. I don’t understand why I’m not grateful. I was poor and I lived in the poor lifestyle for a very long time. I should be very grateful I live here now but I can’t find it within me to. By the time I go to college, I’m going to have about $50,000-60,000 in my education fund. This is ridiculous. I want to be grateful so bad but I can’t and it’s somewhat frustrating. A part of me goes “I deserve this.” I don’t deserve this lifestyle at all. I was given a blessing and I can’t even find it within me to say a simple thank you? Sheesh.
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diary-sc · 3 years
Text
January 25 2021
03:52
Obstacles and Rotting Hope
I was born on July 9th of the year 2003. I am approaching my 18th birthday and it is only a reminder that I need to kill myself soon. I’m not exactly sure how soon I should go for but I can definitely say my life isn’t gonna get any better with the magic aging process. It’s kind of a pain, you know? Everyone is going to be sad within my family and cry over my death but I honestly don’t give a single shit about them. You are my breathing trauma. There is a reason I want to especially kill YOU.
Currently, I have a lovely internet friend who is an obstacle. She most likely has BPD and I’ve been granted a role of a “Favourite Person.” If i attempt to kill myself, she will know and she will have a whole breakdown. Perhaps she will kill herself out of irrationality but I hope the emotions wear off before anything drastic happens and she gets to move on to the next person.
I’m a mere 17 year old who has had suicidal thoughts for five years now. I’m rather surprised it hasn’t happened sooner. It’s been a pretty bad experience as majority of my life has been complete shite. You have childhood trauma, depression, suicidal thoughts, murder thoughts??? It’s the whole package, really. Anyone would be lucky to have me. I honestly can’t even stand myself; I seriously don’t expect anyone to like me, ever. Those who have liked me have always been dipped in mental illness and I just know how to play my cards. It’s true that I get along a lot better with those with mental illnesses but it’s also a lot of work and it’ll never leave you alone. It follows me everywhere, you know. I’m not having a good time.
I was supposed to do work today but I simply didn’t do anything. Recently I’ve been having a lot of issues with my stomach so now I don’t have the mental or physical strength to do anything. Every time I eat I feel as if someone grabbed the inside of my entire stomach/abdomen and squeezed as hard as they could. I’m not having a great time at all. My body refuses to hold onto any sort of substance so it’s rather worn down and it doesn’t help that I was already beaten up.
I would like to go to sleep right now but my bed sheet is in the washer. It just rung as I said that~ I love coincidence. Anyways, I’m seriously tired and I want to just go to sleep. I still haven’t put together my new bed frame and it’s been a few weeks. I would love to sleep with my new sheet, pillows, and blanket. I seriously would. For a little bit, it won’t seem like my own bed and it will be easier to fall asleep in.
I know this is seriously a pipe dream but I wish someone would come save me from my misery. I can’t save myself now and I’m not sure what kind of hero it takes to save someone like me, but I don’t exactly deserve to be “saved” by anyone and I seriously should just rot. Some part of me is holding onto this hope that maybe someone will come along and help me. It’s honestly ridiculous. It’s like I’m lying to myself. That hope needs to die because I’m doomed.
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diary-sc · 3 years
Text
January 22 2021
22:08
Let Me Joke, At Least
I’ve been trying to catch up to my classes for ages but it doesn’t look too bright. I’m not sure what to do with myself at the moment. A part of me knows I have to die but when is the right time? I don’t even want to die. It sucks. It royally sucks. I did take a small chunk of time to say I want to (but not really want to) kill myself quite a while ago over a game of Uno, but I had recently joked about killing myself and her response was “don’t even joke about that.” For some reason it made me mad.
Perhaps I was mad because she knew or that she ruined the mood. I have a right to joke about it because I know just as well as any other suicidal person. Like honestly, please shut up. All her struggles are self-made. It’s ridiculous. She likes to pretend that we are on equal levels when we a very much not. I am SIGNIFICANTLY more damaged than you’ll ever be and I’m tired of pretending like that‘s not real.
It is my forever reality and I just feel belittled. “I have struggles too.” No shit, but I have plenty more than what you can offer. My life is on its last few skips here and I’m horribly fucking ill in the head. “It’s not a competition.” Can’t express how much that pissed me off. A competition? You think I want to make my mental illness a competition? If it was a competition, IVE BEATEN EVERYONE IVE ENCOUNTERED. WHO IS THERE LEFT TO BATTLE FOR THIS SHITTY TITLE???
It’s not a title you WANT. I didn’t want this and I still don’t want this. You think I enjoy my life how it is? There’s no escape and I’m forced to fucking KILL MYSELF. What is there left to do, huh? What can I say? Nobody will help me, nobody can help me, and I can’t even help myself. What the actual fuck. People say that the mental health journey is a journey you gotta take action for and dig yourself out of, but honestly, what happens when you can’t? I’ve seen people get better and they work on themselves all the time until they did get better.
Meanwhile, I am a total lost cause. There is a point in mental illness where you can’t get back to “normal” no matter how hard you try, and I’ve definitely hit this point. I want to kill people for literal fun. This is definitely rock bottom. Once I grab myself a shovel and picax, it’s well over by then. I have mentioned my stuff to people but it’s always the same thing. “Oh, don’t kill yourself. That’s not good.” “I say just go for it. Kill people.” Thanks guys. I am yet to get a different reaction and it sucks. I do want help; I really do but I can’t get help in the usual way.
Even if I did get a therapist, what would they even do for me? I already know my issues and I know my struggles. I know why they’re happening because it’s my life and I am the one who gets to experience it first hand. I believe they’re supposed to help you work through your issues but what could they even reccomend? I don’t have the energy nor do I want to go out and make friends, do activities, and I don’t have anything as a hobby or something that makes me happy. I’ve tried getting a hobby, believe me.
To get the most accurate results, I would have to tell them everything but it’s certainly not an easy task. I can’t tell them everything or else I get sent away and it’s also a very awkward conversation to have. I doubt any local therapist I could go to has even experienced this issue before with a client. Don’t they just say they don’t have the miens of helping you and send you off to the next therapist they know? I don’t want to play ring-around-the-rosies with my mental health. What to do, what to do~
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diary-sc · 3 years
Text
January 18 2021
17:34
School Companies Suicide
I’ve been shopping all day but I’ve finally come home to the life I tried to ignore for the time being. I am behind in nearly all my classes and it sucks. I am not interested in doing any of this, but I know I have to. Each assignment is longer and longer. I don’t know how long I can actually keep up with this as it is just too much for me to handle in my current state.
I have been continuously loaning out energy I don’t have. I don’t know when it will finally catch up to me but I can feel that day approaching. I will probably end up in a bed all day unable to do anything as depression knaws on my bones. I just want freedom and this isn’t free. The weight of schoolwork carries heavily on my shoulders and I am not taking it well. It has manifested physically as for the past few weeks I have been getting stress pains in my arms, legs, and just about anywhere it can happen.
It gets worse as I have a check-in every week and I have to answer questions as to how I am doing in my classes. I hate this so much. I wish I could ignore it but I would be kicked out of the program. I can’t a 60 or bellow in any of my classes either or else I’ll get kicked out. I wish the odds weren’t all stacked against me as I take a lovely dip into silent misery.
I suppose it’s worse that I have no way of relief. I can only get temporary relief from crying but I haven’t been able to cry in a while. Tension builds up in pockets around my body and I’m sure it will finally breakdown. Each pocket carrying a different weight of my life as I am unable to forget much of anything. Every traumatic, depressing, and otherwise stressful moment is packed in my body and won’t leave, so it is always there to remind me. I always feel it and it never goes away. It could be the best day of my life but it will be easily overshadowed by those moments in my life that I carry with me everywhere I go.
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diary-sc · 3 years
Text
January 18 2021
01:15
A Story I’m Not Fond Of
I’m not sure what to do with myself anymore. Boredom eats me alive on a daily basis and there’s only so much I can do. I have thought about trying to talk to an old friend but I don’t think that would work out at all. This friend, who I call 2Y (2 years), is a girl I was friends with for a bit that I absolutely tortured. This deserves to be explained.
For context, this all began when I was about 13 or 14 (a horrid tale of a sick child). The first year that we had known each other I had worked the case like I was sipping Coca-Cola from olden times. I began one hell of a process. You know them in detail, you get them to trust you, you isolate them from their friends and others, bring special importance to yourself, and then you can do whatever you honestly want.
There was another friend during this time who had known about what was happening and despised me for the way 2Y idolised me, yet the friend also insisted that I was delusion for thinking I have this power over people as if I didn’t orchestrate this entire ordeal along with so many others (I still partake in this type of behaviour but not to such a great extreme).
It is a lot easier said than done of course. I was always interested in psychology and sociology as a child without actually knowing what the terminology for it all was, so I got the upper hand in that area. Many people already struggle with issues and they are beyond easy to make worse and point out from the crowd, but to concern yourself in these types of behaviours is self sacrifice.
My extent of involvement in this case was to the extreme. I had made it my existence for the first year as it was a lot of what I would do during the day. It had come to the point where I could ask a question and I would know her response nearly word for word. I could predict certain behaviours before they happened and I was nearly obsessed with this project.
In regards to torture, I only mean mentally. I dove her deeper into depression and I made just about everything worse as you would expect. I would drive her to the brink of suicide just about every month of the remaining first year but stop her before anything was done. I got her to do a lot of weird things and it was the time of my life, but as I said before, this is self sacrifice and in a different way. You can only do it for so long until it catches up to you.
It only took a matter of 3 months to seal my fate. Within the first three months, I had already formed a childish crush and that was certainly haunting enough. Despite all the mental work that had been put in, by the second year, I couldn’t keep it up and it faded out. I would apologise randomly quite a lot for what I did for the rest of that year and she would always reassure me that it was fine, but I never believed her because that was obviously bullshit. I would gladly stab myself for that.
I had crossed paths one more time after that experience and it was pretty clear that she hated me and that goes with good reason. Thankfully when I finally packed my bags and left she had found a good friend, quite debatable, but she was good enough and pretty much replaced me like I never existed which is something I predicted when I first heard of her. I already know 2Y is doing better than I am currently but I would still like to know how that is going. I do wonder if that new friend ever worked out well in the end because she had a lot of issues. I was only about 15 at the time but I still remember the incident with that girl.
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diary-sc · 3 years
Text
January 17 2021
23:08
Murder is Okay
My problems range much farther than suicide. If it was only suicide, I feel like I could manage myself a lot better. Unfortunately, I’ve acquired a distasteful interest that I am not proud of. I did not choose to want this or to feel this way and I don’t know what to do because I cannot go to therapy. It simply isn’t an option with this because I will certainly lose my freedoms that I have left.
From childhood I would torture my dolls for enjoyment, which my parents like to recall far too often. It carried on with me through daydreams as I got older. At age 13-15, I would daydream of gruesome murders on average of 8 hours per day. I never missed a day for those two years and I never went below 5 hours. I would daydream in the morning, in cars, classes, and would immediately lock myself in my room to daydream.
My daydreams had stopped as they suddenly no longer were appearing in my head. Then came a year of clarity. I was not happy, but it was the closest I’ve ever come to happiness in my life, which today is as simple as being not depressed. It was the best year of my life as I felt like I could actually go out and do things. I loved the idea of going out and just enjoying things to the point where my sister had become annoyed with me as she wanted to be lazy.
The year of clarity had left and I was left to depression once again. I truly despised gore. It made me sick to look at and it somewhat still does. It wasn’t long before it all came back in a new form. My daydreams have seemed to permanently leave but I was given stronger urges than ever before. I have struggled day in and day out trying not to kill anyone (especially those in my house). So if I am to be honest, I want to kill people. I want to kill anyone. I don’t care who it is. I wonder if I will just be satisfied with killing my own family and leaving it at that so I can spend the rest of my life in prison.
I have often thought about seeing a therapist as it is very obvious I need help and soon, but as I have explained before, I would be locked away in the worst of places. I don’t want to be anywhere near Pine Rest. To top it off, it’s Christian. What level of torture is that? I have spent my entire life in this Christian town. All racist, homophobic, and whatever form of discrimination is possible, that’s what they are. I could move and I hope to, but I think I am mentally too far gone.
There is some hope in the sense that I am self aware but I’m not sure if that makes it better or worse depending on how you look at it. I am self aware that what I am feeling is wrong by societal standard, but I also suppose that means there is not much room for a self awakening process to overcome the issue. Is it safe to say that this struggle was already lost before I even got a start?
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diary-sc · 3 years
Text
January 13 2021
02:34
Suicide and Such
I don’t want to die but yet I do. It is my only resort it seems since there are no ways of avoiding this horrid fate. The thought of my future is crushing and completely unappealing. The idea of going to school to learn mostly useless things, go to uni to learn more shit but leaving with debt, only to end up working your entire life away until you’re a wrinkly old person who can’t physically do anything anymore. Why would I want to put myself through that? It’s completely worthless. Many people live for the idea of family, friends, and hobbies, but I don’t love or like my family, I don’t have any real friends, and like hell I have hobbies. I’ve tried taking up plenty of hobbies but you can probably guess how that turned out. Even with the achievement of friends and family, the insentive isn’t strong enough to keep me alive.
I’ve heard a lot of people call suicide selfish before but I can’t agree with them. Suicide certainly isn’t the best option but the idea of making someone suffer through a life so painful so you personally don’t have to feel sad when they die??? What kind of twisted logic is this? Plenty of people say “stay for your friends and family” like friends and family isn’t the reason most people are suicidal. It’s ignorance.
I had once read a post of 100 reasons I should stay alive rather than commit suicide. It truly just ended up pissing me off. The list basically mentioned friends and family a few times, various activities, and quirky bullshit. Those who are suicidal may not have friends/real friends, a good family, or the energy to go out and do those activities because I literally have none of those. The quirky shit really just added another layer of insensitivity to it. I kid you not, one of the reasons was ✨ r e d p a n d a s ✨ Like, thanks for the list but I honestly just want to kill myself more after going through that. Really just proved I could go through 100 reasons and still want to kill myself because they couldn’t apply to me once. It was extremely discouraging to go through that list and I hope no suicidal person ever has to read that shit themselves.
Perhaps I do WANT to kill myself more than I thought. Of course, I’m not actively trying to kill myself on a daily basis but I do think about it daily. I would preferably like to jump off a high building so I can secure my death swiftly. Other forms always have a chance of living so you just end up in a hospital for a while after the failed attempt. I can’t afford to risk that. They would send me to Pine Rest in Michigan. That place is a horror story and I hate the idea of even going there. I’ve had quite a few friends go there and tell me some of the worst shit you don’t want to hear from a mental hospital. My sister’s friend had gone there as well and went on a very lengthy Twitter rant about how much they are the literal worst.
For that is the same reason I’m not sure about seeing a therapist. If I told them the full extent of my issues, I would definitely be sent there and I don’t want to live my life in more misery than what it already is.
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