diary-of-someone-invisible

[diary-of-someone-invisible]

2nd March 2024

I foresee age anxiety coming up in my life. I may be getting old, but I'm also getting to experience life better. I can rest and do things. I get to learn things better now. I am successful as is. I get to enjoy success now and set new goals.

[diary-of-someone-invisible]

Somedays I almost descend into madness but a few friends keep pulling me out. I guess that's what life is about. People helping each other live.

[diary-of-someone-invisible]

I constantly feel so unwanted that I believe maybe if I'm needed, I wouldn't feel so unwanted.

[diary-of-someone-invisible]

I hear someone playing the piano and instantly life is beautiful again.

[diary-of-someone-invisible]

I'm a different person everyday. Somedays I'm pro-working and all about productivity. Other days I'm like 'Fuck capitalism', I want to be in the meadows, rolling on grass.

[diary-of-someone-invisible]

8th October.

Elysium: the abode of the blessed after death in classical mythology

I live in an elysium state currently. It's like the ego death killed everything in me. I went through it and became someone completely different. It was the process of become a butterfly. I was a caterpillar. I was soft and squishy. But I went though the transformation. I became a mush. I spent months crying and battling demons put into my head. But now that I'm on the other side, I can see the how beautiful my wings are.

As I'm learning more about myself, I learn more about how blessed I am.

[diary-of-someone-invisible]

5th Oct 7:51pm

I believe in solipsism but in a little different way. I am the only self that exists for me.

Everyone's mind only exists for them. They come up with details about a person. How beautiful the world is depends on how beautiful they are.

If they consume negativity, the world will look uglier. If they consume positivity, the world will become beautiful. I just choose to find beauty in everyone and I refuse to see the ugliness in anyone but me.

[diary-of-someone-invisible]

5th October 2023

I don't connect to my name. My name means desired. That's the one thing I don't feel.

I felt unseen (because of myself as well) for so long that when I started working here in person and you people actually saw me as a person, it was so weird to me. It felt like a threat to me. Like if I'm seen, I'm going to be criticized and hated. I now realize that it's just my parents who do that and not everyone. Some people are trying to look for the good things in people.

Something I wanna say to people is -

Emotions are fine. They make me human. I don't have to hide them. But I can not let them hinder me from being me.

While people talk in Dutch, there are a lot of ways they express their emotions. So when you grew up, you learnt to express emotions.

I do speak a lot of languages but I never quite understood the emotions.

If I need help, I'll ask for it. It won't be something big, it'll usually just be talking to re-orient my perspective. I don't need it to be positive either. I just need another perspective so I can be a different person.

[diary-of-someone-invisible]

4th October 2023

I don't know where I'm heading but all I can do is not look at the past. I know I'm getting better and that's good enough for me. I know I'm doing alright and that's good enough too. A lot of people don't know how to avoid getting hurt and I know that now.

What my past self believed in doesn't matter. What matters is what my current self believes in.

[diary-of-someone-invisible]

30th September 2023

It was 2am on a Friday night and I was crying to Hozier's Abstract. Life could not be better.

[diary-of-someone-invisible]

Man, Hozier was once again such a stellar fucking experience to see live but. I wanna give a MASSIVE shout-out to the audience actually!!! From simple things when at the start of Would That I where he realised he had to switch guitars, and the audience almost immediately and without prompting took over the rhythm of the drums to add to the lack of melody while we waited, to the three emergency breaks in the concert. Apparently it was HOT down in the standing area, and three times people needed medical assistance (might have fainted, I'm not sure). Each time the surrounding people rapidly waved their phone lights to attract attention, and each time Andrew actually stopped the show so that we could get the lights on and make space for crew to delve into the crowd. And the audience didn't fucking peep. People made the space. Almost no-one used those moments to walk away to go to the bathroom or the bar or whatever (once one person moves, more people follow, and the last thing you need when someone in the middle of a concert hall needs medical attention is for the crowd to start bustling and moving). People stayed put, people didn't get annoyed. No-one complained. Andrew kept reassuring whoever needed help to take their time and that it was okay. His patience and calm voice probably helped, but like. Still. Massive shout-out to the crowd for behaving as stellarly as they did, and for their even larger enthusiasm for the songs when they restarted. Genuinely I'm just amazed and so proud to be able to point to my fellow dutchies and go "these people make for a good fucking hozier concert"

Also I laughed so hard when the opening act Victoria Canal asked the crowd to raise their hand if they were gay and I shit you not, in this hall that fits about 6000 people, genuinely HALF of them raised their hands. In Victoria's greatly amused words, "I fucking love Hozier concerts"

[diary-of-someone-invisible]

6th July 7:54 CEST

The sun is shining bright outside. It's a blue sky with beautiful clouds kind of day. People are on walks, enjoying the cool breeze. There goes a puppy, walking proudly with its owner. I stare at these mundane lives and feel a twinge of jealousy. Their hopeful love filled lives bring them so much joy that takes their pain away so easily.

Why does the sun not shine as bright for me? What's wrong with my vision that colors don't glow as bright as they used to be? What happened to that little girl who used to dream?

I'll tell you the story of a girl so weak. Even eggs would seem strong compared to me.

See, my mother is suicidal. A trait she passed to me. In march, she called me sobbing, that she didn't want to live. It activated the response a child conditioned in me. I believed it's better to die than to imagine her leave. Not knowing better, I fall back in the pit. Falling deeper and deeper into nothingness. No one tells you that rock bottom is a choice. You can keep falling until there's no end.

I've lost my childhood to death and abuse. I'm losing my youth to weed and booze. I don't want this life any more. It's getting too much to bear. I am completely empty with despair.

I fell in so deep that nothing seemed taboo. Everything dark felt natural and truthful to me.

I was dreaming about my death. It feels like a natural conclusion to me. There's no other way I'd rather die than to watch me bleed. A gruesome image filled my mind. I dream of a room so vilely beautiful. I dream blood covered walls and pieces of my limbs scattered around. What a lovely sight that I'll never get to see.

Death is a thought that never escapes my mind. No thought too gruesome, no thought too wild.

But let's escape the hells in my mind. Let's talk about the little paradises in my mind.

Puzzles. Always something to keep me distracted. I need to play with more puzzles.

[diary-of-someone-invisible]

Drug usage isn't the problem. It's the result of the problem.

[diary-of-someone-invisible]

6th May 23:45

I feel nothing. It's this weird emotional numbness where I can barely comprehend anything and I am trying to live moment to moment. It's hard. Anywhere I go, my brain keeps finding steps I could take to delete myself. It is so uncomfortable.

I got to see Eiffel Tower again. The sparkle too. It was nice. I felt nothing. Like absolutely nothing. No peace. No sadness. Nothing. I would have liked to feel something. Anything.

[diary-of-someone-invisible]

17th February 2023 15:05

I'm stuck in a cycle. I don't know why I chose to stay clean but here I am. I sucked away any bit of happiness I may feel. I'm no longer a person. I'm a blob. Floating around on earth. I forget about my physical body. I usually forget about everything around me too. Escapism. But instead of escaping to the light, I've chosen to delve in the darkness. Spiral into the darkness one might say. The outside world doesn't exist. I understand why people question why I chose to stay alone. I still choose to stay alone because it is peaceful. I'm traumatized enough to not step closer to anyone. How would you know what safe means if you've never felt it? I'll never know what safe means either. As long as I'm around me, I'm never safe. Quite unfortunate. I stayed over with someone for a night and I felt extremely uncomfortable. The closest I've come to feel safe was with one person alone. He's the closest I've felt to having a family. Unfortunately I'll never get back there. He'll be there. He's nice. He'll always be ready to help. He's really nice that way. But I can not keep going back.

Recently I met another person from my past. He is going to be a part of my future too. He seems so healthy. He interrupted me and then actually asked me what I was saying. That was beautiful. He seemed so put together. Is this what people are like? Why is my world view so warped. Why do I have to constantly question my reality. I was talking to my mother yesterday and I wanted to vent. She barely let me complete my sentence. I need people to just listen. I don't want advice. I can do this on my own. I just need people to listen. I do not want them to be worried. I do not need them to take any action. I just want someone to listen. Some place to talk. I really need therapy and I do not know where to start. It is really expensive.

I am losing my mind. There are times when I'm sitting in silence in my room, just lost in my thoughts. Imagining ranting to people I know. Telling them the truth about what happened. But I never seem able to tell it out loud. I manage to say smaller parts but it never translates to how deep it is. How much impact the smaller thing is. It would have been nice to have a best friend. Or a friend even. No, what I'm looking for is unconditional love. Someone who'll stay despite it all. Despite of me being this spiky blob. I can't expect that from someone. I can't expect any one to stay when I have nothing to offer to them. I just have to stay in this hole I dug for myself I guess.

I wish something would spark joy you know. Just something. Maybe writing. Maybe colors. Maybe just leaves and flower. A beautiful sunset maybe. Just something. I noticed that January was the first time I actually laughed at something. Then was the outing with that old friend. I actually laughed out of genuine joy. I don't remember what it was about. I seem to question if it was genuine even. It doesnt matter. Oh but it does. Everything matters you see. The blowing of wind, the position of stars. Your existence. All of it matters. Maybe not in the long term but it does matter in the short term. It matters to people around you. You spoke to your school friends. They seemed to care. That threw you into a rage filled spiral. They told you to do the basic take care of yourself. Just the basic eat and drink water. It threw you in such a spiral. It gave you such a rage. That seems to be the norm recently right? Such a self destructive rage. You truly are regressing. You have reach a teenage version of you. Are you hoping to regress further and then grow a version of you that isn't so keen on death? Are you planning to grow up again? Start over in this life? Kill this version of you and nurture yourself to a different kind of individual? Will you succeed? I will not let you. You do not deserve this life. I mean that in then most seething way possible. This is war. This is now a never ending war. I wish I had never known to see it this way. It was easier to fight when all my actions weren't divided into good for me and bad for me. I wish I could go back to ignorance. Now my brain seeks out things that are bad for me. I can't keep up with it. I want it all to stop. Unfortunately I can't die either. 'How poisonous are you that even poison couldn't kill you?' And 'Even death doesn't want you.' Sweet. You'll live. You'll unfortunately live an unhealthy life. Hopefully your death is painful. I can not wait to you through more pain. Physical pain. Try dealing with them together. You'll be a mess. A far more intolerable mess. :)

[diary-of-someone-invisible]

4th February 2023. 3:07am

So, I've been sleeping an average of 3 hours for the past month. It's been an enlightening experience. I have started to cut out vape. Let's see if I manage to do it. It's difficult when I enter that 'fuck it I'm going to die anyway' mode. That's extremely self destructive. Staying alive is hard. Taking care of yourself is pretty hard.

I am suddenly uncomfortably aware of the silence around me. I guess it's loud enough in my head that I completely forgot that the external world exists.

[diary-of-someone-invisible]

27th January 11:18am

I am now wondering if moving countries was a terrible decision. I haven't slept in 24 hours so bear with me. I know I'm romanticizing my old life too much. I know it was a different kind of hell but it was also a protected hell. I know I fundamentally changed as a person on 22nd September '22. The first time I had a psychedelic. I have been a different person ever since and can't really say for better or worse. To be honest, it feels like worse. It feels like the evil part of me just took over. I lost all my impulse control. I have been getting into riskier situations. I have been encouraging myself to get worse. I will not claim that I don't like it. I certainly love it. It has been everything I've dreamt of. But my dreams were formed in wrong situation. These dreams were formed when I needed a strong escape mechanism. I don't think I need them anymore. I'm in a headspace where I am very prone to impulsively delete myself. It takes a lot in me to stay because I know people do care about me and my death would affect people. I am fighting really hard to stay here. At moments where I want to die, it becomes really difficult to convince myself to care for the people that I matter to. When I'm back to somewhat normal, it brings on so much guilt. But this isn't the point. The point is, if I didn't move here, I would be stuck in a situation where I was pretty much soul dead. I know I have made some progress related to finding who I am and what do I actually like but it is still pretty fickle. It's a lot of work. I barely want to get out of bed. I feel extremely alone. Like I know I have people a phone call away but also, I would like to meet people in person more. The amount of time I spend alone is extremely too much. It is an overload and I can not seem to take it well. But also, the past wasn't significantly better. It did push me to extremes where I felt drugs were the only proper escape I could have. That is a whole thing I need to rethink. I've finally reached a point in my life where I've spent months being constantly high. Mostly on caffeine and nicotine. Some might say overdose level high. But yeah, my mind is finally starting to fight back. It has had enough. Maybe I'll start forming a new personality from all that I've learnt in the past few months. At least I am not soul dead like I was from 2020. At least I have found myself. Breaking myself out of that frozen mode has been hectic. It has been her acting out violently. Maybe we'll find truce. So that way, I have to admit, moving here was great but finally trying out weed and psychedelics wasn't. But that had a positive effect too. Or do I just want to believe that it did? I was in a well protected bubble before it. A bubble free from addictions. At least I don't drink any more. Weed is highly under control as well. I am able to resist most of my urges. I am not physically addicted to weed but I am psychologically addicted to it. Which doesn't bode well when I don't say no to anything I want. But I would still live in a scared bubble if I didn't try psychedelics. It broke me out and gave it complete freedom. That isn't nice.

It all simmers down to would you rather be current you or the early 2022 you?

I want to be the current me without addictions. Without the damn urges. And that is something I can work on.