depressedepisode

[depressedepisode]

I understand what you are going through. As dull and annoying as everyday seems to be it may seem better. One day, you may find that sparkle. It’s hard. It sucks. It should be easier to find. But once you realize we have to make it ourselves, it gets easier as you learn to be okay with who you are. 

I send you nothing but my love. 

I’m thinking of ending things

In less than 2 weeks the restaurant will open his door back to what pays our minimum wage.. in less than a week I’ll be forced to be there and get ready for that day.. my anxiety got worst, I’m not ready, I miss the lockdown and I know it sounds super selfish and stupid but I can’t help it…

I’m 25 years old and I still have no clue of what I really want to do.. I lost that sparkle, I don’t see the point of waking up everyday day and face the day.. what’s the point? Why do we race in life if we are all gonna end up in a coffin anyway? The weather in London is not helpful either, born and raised in a little town in the south of Italy the weather here affected me a lot but hey at least I can pay my bills.. just like not talking to my boyfriend and my best friend cause we all have issues and grown up people keep it to themselves, that’s why psychologists exists.. Think about it.. you pay them to listen to you moaning about your life when he’s probably doing the same thing with another doctor.. ridiculous. I’m thinking of ending things..

On the other hand my diet is going well, I feel better and I do look prettier cause hey it’s all about being skinny but with the fat in the right spots. This constant fear and anxiety it’s affecting every aspect of my life and the one around me at this point. I was able to control it but it’s projecting onto them as well now.. it’s ruining everything, this little bastard is eating me alive destroying what connected me, my friends, my boyfriend and all I can do is stand and watch it doing it. It’s controlling me, the table is turned, I wish I could still have hope that one day things would get better but the little sparkle is gone and I don’t look forward to almost anything.. I’m just a thing living and walking around the earth with no purpose or desire to do anything..I miss being that little boy that I often saw in the tapes that my dad recorded in the early 2000s, there, there I was happy and I didn’t even know… why am I still moaning?  I’m thinking of ending things…

[depressedepisode]

Day 2

I have watched many things about faith. I have read many things about faith. Sometimes I think it is hardest to find faith in yourself when you have depression. Or when you have mental health issues in general. But when you eventually do find faith, in yourself, it really is an empowering thing. It comes and goes as easy as a breeze in the summer. But once you’ve got a taste of it, you just keep trying your best to get more. It can be an addiction.

I set goals for myself. To do things regularly and make a daily goal to be proud of something. I’ve found if I give up in the middle of the goal, I get too anxious and can’t do anything else until I finish. Maybe that is me wanting that “high” of self gratification again. Maybe it is just myself telling me I am not good enough and need to complete a task to be worthy to rest. It’s a double edged sword. One is an addiction (is it healthy?) and the other is self hate. I cannot tell which I would prefer. Do I need another addiction to help me fill the void? And should I become comfortable with only doing one task a day? If I do that, then I feel nothing will get done.

It is hard to determine if I am working on myself or if I am giving myself an excuse. For example, today I finished a mind numbing task of compiling data in an excel spreadsheet of 10,000+ data points into a more comprehensive excel spreadsheet as a final project. (Yes I go on. But I feel this is the way I can talk about myself.) Anyways, once finishing this project I rewarded myself by giving into my alcohol problems and allowing myself to drink. Yes, I was craving a drink. Was it well deserved or was I just doing this in order to drink more? Is it the wrong type of motivation?

It is hard to find motivation and maybe if I use an unhealthy motivation as a way to get myself to do things, then maybe it is okay for the time being. I know I need help, I have looked into it. Maybe I will bring these entries to my therapist’s attention. 

I never felt comfortable, or recalled, talking about problems that I face. Mostly when it comes to a therapist. I usually get anxious or worried that it will somehow get back to my parents and I will be more a disappointment. I am an adult. It shouldn’t be a worry, yet it is. I am twenty-two and have lived without my parents for four years. But for some reason I can still hear their nagging voice in my head. I hope it will go away eventually. But for now, I still hear it. It hasn’t gone away.

But... I don’t feel like it will go away. I am so scared it won’t. I know eventually, as time goes on and I don’t have contact with my father, it will get better. I just need to keep a good support group around me. 

I hope this is a more positive note to those who decided to listen to me. To people who have decided to read these and maybe look at me for hope... All I have to say is, do the little things for yourself. Take your time and don’t be too harsh and cruel on yourself. Is that your voice or someone else’s? There is hope. I hope one day things will get better for all of us. I have faith that one day, things will be better for all of us. We will no longer hear those annoying voices in our head. We will no longer have that self doubt. Perhaps, instead of being a week long episode, it will be one day out of every two months? That would be nice... Living normally for a whole month except for one day. 

I have depressive episodes every week. Sometimes they last for weeks, they used to last for months on end. So I guess that is progress... It has gotten better but it still feels as though I haven’t made enough progress.

Once I was asked, “If you get all that you want, will you truly be happy?” This was asked when I was in high school and wanted to move away from my family. This wasn’t a fair question. At the time, yes I thought all of my problems would magically disappear. I would instantly be cured of all my mental health issues as soon as I got away from my family. But that wasn’t the case. I was scared. Not physically. Mentally I had went through damage that ruined the way I thought. It was this that I didn’t predict. That question had always haunted me. It has always made me feel like I wasn’t making enough progress or doing better. Never let anyone ask you that question. I did hold that person to high standards, appreciating him a lot. But no matter how I felt about him, it wasn’t a fair question. I was too young and naïve to understand what I was going through, let alone what I would face in the future. 

Please, if anything I say sticks in your head, don’t ever be hard on yourself. Any progress is good progress. It may be hard to see that and move forward but take each day as one step. We all are still learning, trying to become people because we never truly learned how to. We essentially have to rewire our whole brains, change our way of thinking to make sure that we don’t hold ourselves to too high of standards. If you are able to just do one thing; get out of bed, brush your teeth or hair, take a shower, do laundry or dishes, or maybe just eat breakfast, just know that someone on the internet that you have never met before is proud of you. 

It is hard. And I have struggled too. But I am proud of you and what you have done, even if it seems like nothing. Let’s all cheer each other on and be proud of all of our small steps. They may actually be big ones. 

#depressive episode #depression #depressing shit #kinda depressing #tw depressing stuff #depressing post #hope #mental health #mental breakdown #mental instability #mentalwellness #mentalstrength #proud of you #pride #mental health awareness

[depressedepisode]

Day 1

I don’t know why I am this way. Why I feel like I need to drink to make things feel better. Why I have to constantly compare myself to others. I am trying to work on myself. See psychiatrists and therapists to work on this. It just constantly feels like it isn’t working. Like I am constantly working towards something that won’t do anything. I am trying. I want to be better than my parents. I am married and I am trying to be happy.

But I keep remembering the question of, “If that happens will you really be happy?” I keep on second guessing. Is it my depression or is it me that is holding everything back. I want to be better. But how can I be better when I have been so shitty. 

I know he deserves better than me. It isn’t just the depressive episodes. It was my own self doubt that led me to this. To all of the shitty things that I have done where I am too afraid to tell him. Because I never wanted to see him upset or hurt. I never wanted to do anything to ever hurt anyone.  

I just want to stop drinking. I feel like if I get through the first few episodes I will get better. But I am not sure. It just seems so hard to deal with everything without drinking. It was better thinking I was pregnant than to just go through my days. If I have someone else, besides myself to care about and love, then I would be able to take care of myself. Because then I am worth something. Something better than myself.

I know it sounds stupid... But at least I can get it out here, on my own personal blog. And who cares? What people say to me and how they feel about my decisions. Because in the end, no one will know the exact situation that everyone went through. We never know what they went through so why do we judge? Nurture or nature? Nurturing brings about the person? So maybe everyone is born good but... There’s something that makes them feel their actions are right?

Who are we to judge? 

I don’t know... Maybe we all just suffer and die? But I feel hopeful, and wish that isn’t true. Maybe we find our own passions and I am just too in my own head to find myself. To find my passion. Or maybe I am just restricting myself.

I always thought that I was good at writing. Good with typing out my words and speaking that way. I had a speech impediment, you see. So I always struggled with speaking myself. I wouldn’t be able to describe my feelings until I wrote it down. So maybe that is what I am good at. Just saying how I feel.

But please, any young person in my position... I hope you don’t feel hopeless. There is help out there. It may not seem like it... I was just too scared to get help. I don’t know... Maybe it is different now... But I just don’t want to ever make other people feel hopeless. That is not my purpose of writing this. 

I just want to put my feelings down. Something. Maybe put it out into this void and see if someone can relate to what I say. Maybe, eventually, (if I make progress) someone can see these entries and feel hopeful?

I have always felt hopeful seeing older people working a regular job. I can’t work a regular job. But one of my closest friends, who I worked with, also suffered these same problems. It made me feel hopeful. But also some despair. What if I am not strong enough to do that? What if I am not strong enough to be normal. 

It is an uphill battle. Constantly feeling like you are not good enough but deserving better. I don’t know where I am going with all of this. But I think this is a good start for me to track how I feel to tell my therapist.

Maybe if someone can relate to all of this... It might help them or give them hope. I just hope maybe what I am going through means something or helps someone else... Maybe...

#mental health #depressing post #tw depressing stuff #kinda depressing #anxienty #anxious #mentalwellness #mental breakdown #mental instability #mentalstrength #mentally ill #depressing shit