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dawnfxx · 3 years

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My husband, the one behind the mask, that only I had the pleasure of meeting, I have always perceived him to be on the Spectrum. Whilst I was frantically searching for an answer to my young son's peculiar and somewhat odd behaviours, I believed I had found my husband!

A lot of the information that I read up on Autism then on Asperger's all seemed to point in the direction of K. From the Triad of Impairment to the lacking in empathy and compassion. I thought what I was researching was my answers to the questions that I did not even know I had inside of me. Maybe I was just too quick off the mark to label him, I do not know? You see, my husband was a different type of man from the rest that I had met before. The moment I saw him, I knew I would marry him, and I did. I am unsure if it were love or lust at first sight, but I honestly thought I could and had seen deep inside his soul that first time I set eyes on him. Maybe I should have just kept them shut?

Oh, how I wish I had, but if I had, then I would not have my little boy D. My only true gratitude that I have for the man I still must call my husband! Not for much longer now, seen as I am only a few months off the 2-year mark of when he moved himself in with the "desperado" It is almost 4 years since we officially split up and I made him leave the family home. This was the second time that he assaulted me. My dad had just died under a week before and I was trying to arrange his funeral and clear out his house on my own, whilst he kept working leaving me with our son who was only just turning 2. He never took a day off work, not even when I went and found my dad dead at 4am, even calling and demanded that I get home before 8am to look after our son before he left to go to work.

For some reason, I kept going back to him no matter what he done to me or put me through. I was a strong independent woman, career driven and always on the go. After being raped though, I changed, but so did he! Incapable of keeping the mask on whilst having to deal with me day in and out. A dreadful thing happened to me, and I could not rely on my husband for any support at all, in all honesty, my husband’s reaction and subsequent emotional abuse thereafter was in many ways worse than the rape! Leaving me broken and confused, I cannot ever forgive him for how he treated me afterwards, no matter how empathetic I am, he does not deserve it, and neither am I prepared to give him it anymore. He must take responsibility for his actions and realise that no one should ever be treated the way that he treated me, no one!

I have a lot of patience, especially for anyone that cannot help the way that they are, allegedly. You see, I have read many places that the Autistic brain does not see or do as the NT brain does, and that is ok, I can understand that, but to tell me that the Autistic brain does not understand when right or wrong actions are being done, then, I am sorry, I will argue until the day is long, that the Autistic brain, chooses what they want to do! Regardless of whether it is right or wrong. They refuse to tell us NT beings what really goes on inside of their heads, and if we do not know, then how can anyone tell us? I know because I lived with an Autistic husband for over 10 long years and I pieced it together, all by myself, much to his dismay, I should add. He thought I was as stupid as all the rest of the people he had confused and manipulated along the way, all that got close to him, but he did not bargain on meeting someone like me with the most of inquisitive brains.

In all honesty, I do not believe that I am using the correct terminology to describe what my husband and many thousands upon thousands of males and females that live amongst us are called, Autistic. The DSM-5 confuses it all, changing the names and diagnoses, lumping them all together as a Spectrum disorder. When I first began my journey in 2013, the medical profession had recently changed from separate disorders to a universal name, my own child being diagnosed with Childhood Autism. Back then though, there was a lot of information regarding Asperger’s, a now defunct terminology, that has upset a whole community of Autistic people. The medical professionals claimed that Asperger’s was a higher functioning form of Autism, which I believe it is. Medics then claimed that all people with Autism had some degree of disability and did not want to make Asperger’s sound any less of a disability, so they got rid of the diagnosis as to not confuse people! You still with me?

Autism, to me, meant that your child would be incapable of joining into the NT world, ever. The number of constant and different therapies that would be needed, one to one professional hour required, all to do what? No one knew, as nobody had ever researched long enough to know if long-term interventions would help children integrate well in our society, without anyone noticing that they were different. My own child was classic Autistic, as per the definition back then, he displayed the Triad of Impairment. This was what he was diagnosed and assessed on, and still as of today, he displays all impairments, but nothing else! He fits into society, a little rigid in some ways but nothing that he cannot get by without people noticing. This will get more noticeable as he gets older, that is if I do not help him fit in, which I will. My point being, there are thousands upon thousands of children that flew under the radar, who are all now fully grown adults, living, working, and raising families within us, and we do not even know it! Evolution, at its greatest!

Unless you have married one of these forgotten children, or maybe you work alongside them? You will never know unless you are having to spend an awful lot of time with them. Then and only then will you begin to see their quirks, their different ways of doing things, or how they perceive things and people. You will begin to wonder and question yourself and your ways of working, thinking, of doing things. Question yourself, is it me? Or is it them? They will appear to be the most complacent and loveliest people you could possibly ever meet, but there will be something, that just does not sit right with you. You will never be able to place your finger on it, or call them out on anything, but your gut will tell you something is not all that is seems to be. Did you ever get told by your mum or gran, if something appears to be too good to be true, then it is not true? Well, that is Asperger’s!

#actually autistic #aspergers #high functioning autism #asd #phoenix #self love #rise up #my husband #narcisistic #narcissim #aspergers syndrome

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