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cloudywriter · 2 years

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i’m actually so obsessed with this

Secrets & Lies - Chapter two

Secrets and Lies masterlist

Warnings: Language / Word count: 4,5k words

“What the hell?”

Rowan was inclined to agree. They had been sitting in silence for the past hour, just him, Vaughan, and Gavriel. When Lorcan and the girl left, Queen Maeve had requested for Fenrys and Connall to stay, everyone knew what was going to happen. Fenrys had made a fool of Maeve, she hated this in all case scenarios but it must have been worse today. She had requested for them not to ruin her surprise, and according to her, Fenrys had done just that.

So when Fenrys and Connall entered the room, the scent of Fenrys’ blood filling the space from whatever Connall had been forced to do to him, it wasn’t a surprise. Rowan didn’t hold back his smirk when he saw Fenrys limping, his knees threatening to buckle at his every step.

“Sit, boyo,” Gavriel insisted. Of course, the old male would heal him. If anyone asked Gavriel, he would say it’s because they’d need Fenrys’ full abilities if they were to be attacked, but everyone knew that the male just hated to see someone else in pain. He was way too good of a person to be in this hell-hole.

“Once again,” Fenrys groaned as he sat, “What the hell was that?”

“I’d like to know, too,” Vaughan said, never raising his eyes from his book.

“Lorcan said he’d be coming here when he’s done,” Gavriel said.

Fenrys frowned, “Done with what?”

“He’s showing the girl her rooms and then has a meeting with the queen.”

Rowan didn’t like one-bit Fenrys’ grin, “What room, exactly? It’s always good to know.”

Connall kicked his twin in the leg, probably hurting one of his not yet healed wounds, making him yelp in pain. Connall had always been the reasonable one of the twins. He had a temper, as they all did, but he wasn’t flirting with danger as much as Fenrys did. And yet, Rowan couldn’t help but respect the blond twin. He hadn’t given his life away willingly, he was there for his brother, and even with his blatant lack of respect of the Old Ways, Fenrys would die for his brother.

“You will not touch her,” Rowan warned, eyes fixed on the knife he was holding, pointe on the table.

He knew without looking at Fenrys that his face would be full of challenge, “And why’s that? Interested, maybe?”

Rowan threw him a pointed look, he didn’t need to say anything. Everyone else would have stopped there, but not Fenrys, “What?” He shrugged, a proud smirk on his features, “You like blondes.”

“Fenrys,” Vaughan warned.

“Though I have to admit, little Celeana is much nicer to look at than Remelle.”

The next second, Rowan’s knife was thrown in the air, brushing Fenrys’s cheeks enough to draw some blood before landing on the wall. Fenrys rolled his eyes, unphased by this. Enough people have made him bleed today.

“She’s a killer,” Connall muttered from where he had just sat, facing Fenrys.

The blonde scoffed, “We all are.”

“Yeah, I don’t know about you but I started killing when I had to on a battlefield. I wasn’t a teenage assassin.”

“Still don’t see how it’s a flaw, brother.”

Connall rolled his eyes, not even bothering to answer. “If she has rooms here,” Vaughan started, finally lifting his eyes up, “It means she’s going to stay, isn’t she?”

“Of course, she’s going to stay,” Rowan said, and apparently he had to develop since everyone had their eyes on him. “Lorcan and I wouldn’t have been asked to train her if the Queen didn’t want to keep her.”

“So, what,” Connall started, “you train her, and then she becomes one of our soldiers?”

Gavriel shook his head, “No. Rowan finishes her training and then she becomes one of us.”

“That’s the plan,” Lorcan interrupted them. “She is to swear her oath soon.” Everyone looked up at their commander, as they were used to in any moment of doubt.

“Why?” Connall asked. “We work well, we don’t need anyone else.”

“The Queen doesn’t care,” Gavriel explained. “The girl probably has a talent, Maeve saw it and wants it.”

Lorcan only nodded. That was how Maeve worked, after all. When Rowan had joined her, it had only been Lorcan and Gavriel with her. Then, Vaughan and his speed, better than a usual Fae, and strength had drawn him to her. And when the twins were born… The news had spread fast in Doranelle. It was rare to see a Fae female give birth to a child, but to two? Maeve had wanted them right there and then, the moment she heard of them existing.

She had sent spies to them, she had tried to learn what was the right moment to get them. And when Fenrys refused her that first time… Rowan still remembered how her wrath had felt. But what the young Fae male hadn’t known was that nobody refused the Queen, and he was still paying the price for it and probably would for his entire life.

“And what’s her specialty, then?”

Rowan thought he was dreaming, he had to be, because there couldn’t be amusement in the commander’s eyes. “That is a surprise.”

Rowan didn’t like that one bit.

✬—✬—✬—✬

Dress gowns were pretty, sure, but their main characteristic in Celeana’s opinion was being uncomfortable. She felt magnificent in a corset, but those Fae servants hadn’t had any remorse to cut her breath.

But Celeana had lived worse, so she put on a pretty smile and looked around the room. When Celeana had been invited by Queen Maeve to a ball in the assassin’s honor, she had been surprised. She couldn’t help but doubt, keeping her back straight, guard up and daggers strapped to her thigh.

She was in her Fae form, no matter how comfortable being human was, she was in a room full of Fae. And if Lorcan had taught her something from his years in this court, it was that every single one of these people, the ones playing games with others for centuries and treating everyone like objects, are more threatening than most of the warriors she would encounter in her life.

She pretended to take sips from her glass of wine, observing everyone that was suspicious. Fenrys, the male she had managed to beat earlier in the day, was flirting with a brunette. She either was really charmed by him or she was an amazing actress because Celeana could see her bite her lips and blush from the other side of the room.

As she rolled her eyes, she saw an osprey observing everyone from one of the open windows. She frowned as she studied it, it was too big to be an actual animal. Fae, then. The Queen had to know they were there, and if she didn’t say anything it meant they were supposed to be there, so it was one of the blood sworns. Vaughan, if she had to bet. She held her drink to him and she saw him nod back.

Lorcan was nowhere to be seen, it unsettled her a little. He had taught her everything she needed to know about this court, but it still was more comforting when he was there and when she could mirror whatever he did. She was sure he was in his room, having fun with Essar. Celeana knew about her only because she had annoyed Lorcan to no end, and he had only admitted that Essar existed when she had got him drunk. She was still proud of this. Now, she was forbidden to call her Lorcan’s girlfriend, he had punched her so hard she had bled and her eye had swelled the last time she had done so. Lorcan had left her alone to fuck his not-girlfriend.

Celeana’s eyes fell on her new instructor, Prince Rowan Whitethorn. He had nicer clothes than he had on earlier today, but he was still dressed as the warrior he was. Even without the sword at his belt, everyone would know him for the killer he was. He was in a conversation with a beautiful blonde female, her plane skin shining under the moonlight. Well, not really a conversation. The female was talking and Prince Rowan looked like he wanted to be anywhere but here.

He tensed when she put a hand on his arms, and Celeana wondered how efficient long nails like hers would be as a murder weapon. She smirked at the idea of how creative she could be with those. Prince Rowan threw the female a look that would have sent a lesser male running, but she looked utterly unphased.

Lorcan wouldn’t agree with this, he would call her hot-headed and impulsive, but she didn’t care. Celeana left her spot and walked to them, a huge smile on her face. “Hello,” she interrupted them, drawing both their gazes on her.

She ignored the prince, keeping her eyes on the pale female. “Who are you?”

It wasn’t much of a question, Celeana would have fun with this rude female. Only two people were allowed to order her around, and this blonde was not one of them. “Well, I thought about trying to get everyone here. I saw you from the other side of the room and I just had to speak to you, you look so lovely.”

Celeana hoped that her smile was sweet enough for the female to know she was saying everything she didn’t think.

“I have no idea who you are, now, get out, halfbreed.”

What. The. Hell.

Anger burned in her veins, her heart beating so hard she could hear it. She remembered one of Lorcan’s lessons. Your mouth is as much of a weapon as your fists. Those people didn’t understand physical violence, Celeana could beat her up and the female wouldn’t have more respect for her.

“Well, that was heartwarming,” she smirked. “You are?”

“Lady Remelle,” Rowan said, giving away the female’s identity. She could swear she saw amusement in the male’s eyes, it just urged her on.

“Now that you know, bow for me and leave.”

Celeana tsked, squinting her eyes as she made a show of wonder. “No, I don’t think I will.”

The female crossed her arms as if it made her bigger in front of Celeana. It was worth the small laugh that escaped her. “But it is nice to meet you,” she held out her hand to her, forcing her to take Celeana’s hand. “I am Celeana Sardothien, by the way.”

And as the female already pale skin became paler, Celeana smirked and brought the female closer to her, she whispered into her ear, “The next time you call me or anyone a half breed, the rumors you heard about me will be considered tales compared to what I’ll do to you.”

And because she liked the show and the dramatics, Celeana bit her ear, pulling at it hard enough to draw blood. It became way less funny when she squealed in pain, attracting everyone’s attention. Celeana rolled her eyes, pushing the female away from her and she walked away, ignoring everyone’s eyes on her as she whipped the side of her mouth from Lady Remelle’s blood. She smirked as she put her finger in her mouth, cleaning it as she left the room, the door slamming behind her.

Oh, she’d have so much fun in this court.

✬—✬—✬—✬

Celeana had found what she had been thinking about for years, now. It had been hard not to go look for the room the moment Lorcan and her entered the castle, but the wait had been worth it.

Doranelle’s library was wonderful. Celeana’s eyes were full of stars as she walked through the shelves. She needed to know what section belonged to what genre, she needed to know every single book that was in this room.

When you were locked in a fortress when you had no friends growing up as Celeana did, the books the man who spent six months of the year with you gave you quickly became your best friends. Celeana knew it was how Lorcan had gained her trust. She remembered him giving her a shirt when he found her, but she was still wary of him. But when he brought her books every time he came back to the fortress? That’s when Celeana started trusting him.

Even when she got to know other people, even when she got her first friend a few years back, books had always been her best friend. When she woke up on every single one of her birthdays, a stalk of books was waiting for her on her nightstand. She pretended to not know where it came from, Lorcan never said anything.

She smiled at the books, aware of how stupid it was. It was because of the beauty of the room and of the works of arts that Celeana didn’t hear him coming. It was the only reason she startled when she coughed, turning her head to see him, a shoulder resting on the shelf with his arms crossed. His eyebrows were raised and she didn’t know if it was a snarl or a playful smile on his lips as he looked at her, but she knew it didn’t scare her one bit.

“Can I do something for you, Prince?”

“What are you doing here?”

Celeana chuckled, “Well, what are people usually doing in a library?” The Prince didn’t answer, probably waiting for her to answer his question first. “Are you following me? And here I was, thinking Doranelle was a free kingdom.”

“For the people we trust.”

Celeana tsked, keeping her eyes on the books as she dragged the tip of her fingers, “That’s not very nice, Prince. And here I was, thinking we’d be best of friends.”

He snorted, “I don’t have friends.”

“Oh, you’re so mysterious. I’m sure Lady Remelle loves this.”

Celeana laughed lowly as the Prince grunted. He didn’t seem to like it when Lady Remelle was what was talked about. “She’s lovely by the way, you two form a… delicious couple.”

He growled, and it just made Celeana laugh harder, “We are not a-”

“Oh but you don’t have to justify yourself, Prince, after all, I am not even trustworthy yet.”

“I’m not. I’m just saying that there’s nothing between us.”

“Yeah, I’m not sure she’s aware of that fact.”

They stayed in comfortable silence for a while after this, Celeana never stopped to smile at the books. She was painfully aware of the Prince’s gaze on her, she wondered if he thought she’d burn the books if she was left unsupervised. It made her chuckle, remembering that dream she had for years. It seemed real, but Celeana knew it wasn’t. But still, she had dreamed of burning an entire section of a library when she was five, and it had seemed to be an absolute disaster for her five years old self because every time she dreamed of it, little Celeana cried for hours.

“Why?” The Prince’s voice echoed in the room, surprising her. She really believed he wouldn’t talk anymore.

“I’m afraid I don’t know how to read minds yet, your highness, you’ll have to be a bit more precise.”

“Why did you intervene with Remelle?”

Celeana shrugged, “I believe that if I was able to see from feet away that you were uncomfortable, then the female in front of you should have seen it, too.”

“Oh, she did.”

“Then she is a bitch, and she deserved worse than me biting her ear off.”

He looked at her as if she was trying to solve a mystery, Celeana subtly shifted under his gaze. She wasn’t used to people really looking at her, and this Prince seemed to do so. “You’re already making enemies in this court. It’s not the smartest way to start.”

“You heard Lady Remelle, Prince, I’m a halfbreed. I will not make any allies. I rather have them all afraid of me than thinking I am someone they can disrespect.”

“Not everyone shares their prejudice.”

Celeana snorted, “Even if they don’t, I will not earn their trust. I’m a female, first, and I was not raised in Doranelle. You might think I’m not smart, but you’re wrong. I’m realistic. Look at you, Prince, you’re not trusting me.”

“I’m sworn to protect everyone here. I’d be shit at my job if I didn’t keep an eye on the female who wasn’t raised there, wouldn’t I?”

Celeana snorted, moving to another section of the library. Of course, the Prince followed her. “I’ll tell the Queen you’re the best at your job. I usually have someone else looking at me, but I believe Lorcan trusted me enough to go fuck his little Essar.”

“You know about Essar?” His brows were raised, as were the tip of his lips.

“I can be very convincing when I want to know something.”

“Lorcan must love you,” the sarcasm was evident in his tone.

Celeana looked at him, “Oh he does. He’s just very good at hiding his emotions. But under the wall of stones hiding his feelings? He’s like a teddy bear.”

Prince Rowan snorted, apparently not convinced. “What’s your thing?”

Celeana raised an eyebrow, I’m still not reading minds, Prince.

He seemed to understand what she wanted to say because he kept going: “The Queen is usually interested in something special in each of us. I’m sure you’re a great assassin, but all of us would be, too. So, what makes you special.”

“First,” she stared, “You couldn’t be as good as me. Sorry.” She wasn’t one bit sorry, not at all. “And I believe what makes me special is this.”

She slowly raised her right hand, a little flame inside of it. It was all she could muster if she didn’t want to make her dream come true. The flame was shaking, and Celeana hated how she couldn’t even control something so small. All the work she had done with Lorcan consisted of controlling her power enough so it wouldn’t explode and kill everyone around her the moment her emotions became too much.

It had work, but here she was, nineteen years old and she couldn’t use her power. She had no idea how to be threatening other than with her hands. She felt her power, and what she didn’t feel was a bottom. It terrified her, but she would rather die than admit it.

“You’re a fire-wielder,” the prince breathed.

Celeana closed her hand, shutting out the small flame. “You can call me hot, go ahead.”

“That’s probably the worst pun I’ve ever heard.”

Celeana laughed, she admitted that this wasn’t her best joke, but she didn’t care as long as it made her laugh.

“I’m an ice and wind wielder,” the prince told her. “I understand why you didn’t get any training now, and why I’m the one who has to train you.”

“You know,” Celeana didn’t like when she was the center of the conversation this way, so she changed the subject. “Lorcan told me you were a man of few words, but I think he lied to me.”

“Did he, now?”

Celeana nodded and grabbed a book, she was happy to find something she had been looking for. “What’s that?” The prince nodded toward the book she had in hand.

“Something to help me learn the Old Language, now that I’m allowed to.”

He furrowed his brow, “Why would you want to learn a language nobody speaks?”

Celeanna shrugged, opening the book. Gods, it smelled so good. “Maybe I want to understand what that pretty tattoo of yours means, Prince. There’s a lot of rumors, my favorite is probably that it represents how many people you’ve killed. I want to know the exact meaning.”

She raised her head, a smirk on her face. She thought he’d find this amusing but his face was closed, his fists clenched and slightly shaking. Celeana stood straighter, one of her hands going for the hidden dagger in her corset. She’d fight her way out of that library if she had to, no matter if she had to fight one of the most famous warriors in the world.

“Do not ever talk about this again,” he grilled through his teeth. He was much more hostile than before. Celeana couldn’t help but find him threatening. “Understood?”

She wanted to punch herself as she raised an eyebrow, “What are you going to do if I don’t listen?”

The next second, she didn’t have any more air to breathe. She choked on nothing, letting the book fall on the hard floor as one of her hands went for her throat as if it’d give her more air.

The bastard was trying to kill her. Celeana struggled to get her hand in her corset and to grab the dagger hidden between her breasts, throwing it at the male’s face. Her aim was shitty because of the panic, she only grazed his cheekbone, barely cutting deep enough to draw blood. Celeana fell to the floor as she tried to fight for air.

He walked in front of her, that’s when her lungs filled with air once again. She fell face-first on the floor, breath ragged. His voice was like poison as he said, “The next time, I won’t stop.”

He walked away, letting her on the hard floor. “I will kill you,” she managed to let out.

He only chuckled before exiting the room, not even deeming her threat important enough to consider it. Celeana shook with rage, Rowan fucking Whitethorn would regret this.

✬—✬—✬—✬

It was still cold in Terrasen. One month away from spring, the snow was still on the ground, covering the grass, and was not decided to leave now. Good, Aedion Ashryver thought. Enemies were less likely to attack as long as snow lingered on the ground. All of them were scared of Terrasen’s harsh weather. Aedion couldn’t help but grin at this.

He didn’t bother knocking as he arrived at his uncle’s and aunt’s room. His presence had been requested and he had no idea why.

Their family didn’t like to settle private matters in the throne room, hence why Aedion had been asked to join them in their own rooms. Aunt Evalin was sitting on the couch as she knitted and uncle Rhoe stood in front of the window, looking at the horizon with his hands in his pockets as he often did.

“Aedion,” Evalin smiled, patting the seat beside hers, “Come and join me.”

That was only then that he noticed Elide reading a book in the corner. She inclined her head at him once, he did the same. It wasn’t unusual for the Lady to spend time with the Queen and King, ever since her parents died she had joined Evalin and Rhoe in Orynth, they treated her like a daughter.

Aedion sat, feeling like he would tarnish either the couch or the carpet with his fighting clothes. Evalin freed her hands as she smiled at him, “How are you? We haven’t seen each other in a while.”

“I was on a hunting trip.”

Evalin nodded, “So I’ve heard. How was it? Did you catch a lot of wolves?”

“This was a very good season.”

“It’s good to hear,” she put a hand on his, squeezing. Aedion smiled back at her.

“You’re leaving again,” Rhoe’s accusing tone echoed in the room. Aedion turned his head to look at his uncle.

“And I believed Terrasen was a free kingdom.”

“Don’t be like that, Aedion,” Evalin’s warm voice said. “What Rhoe wants to say is that we heard of another trip of yours. Is this true?”

Aedion figured there was no point in lying, “Yes. I am to leave in five days.”

Rhoe sighed, leaving his spot by the window to join his wife and nephew. “You need to let go, boy.”

“Like you did?” Aedion’s tone was accusatory.

“Addy,” Evalin sighed. “It’s been fifteen years. You need to move on.”

“I’ll move on when I finally get her back or when I find her dead body.”

Evalin winced at this, Rhoe’s face stayed still. “This is a fool conquest, Aedion. Aelin is gone.”

“And I’ll get her back,” Aedion snapped at his uncle. “Just because you gave up on her doesn’t mean that I will.”

They had had this conversation far too often, and they knew that arguing wouldn’t lead to anything. Aedion wouldn’t give up, he’d give up before letting go of his cousin. He had failed her once, he should have been with her when she got taken that night, it had been his role to protect her. He wouldn’t fail her again. He would find her and get her back home because Aedion had no doubts that she was alive. Aelin of the Wildfire they had called her, and that was what she was. She had to be alive.

“Where are you going?” Evalin asked. She had more hopes than Rhoe, even if she tried to hide it.

“Wendlyn. I’ve heard many rumors of a fire wielder ling in a fortress close to Doranelle’s border.”

Evalin closed her eyes, “Is there any way I could convince you to stay with us?”

He looked at her and his eyes said everything. There was nothing she could do. She sighed, giving up on the hopes she had of keeping what she had the closest to a son.

“Good luck, son.” Rhoe let go.

When Aedion left the room, Elide was following him. She was quiet enough that if he didn’t have Fae hearing he wouldn’t have heard her coming. The door closed behind them and Aedion turned around, waiting for the petite woman to say what was on her mind. Judging Elide Lochan as useless and nothing more than a lady would be a mistake, Aedion had spent enough time with her to know how good she was at getting what she wanted and how wicked her mind really was.

She didn’t beat around the bush, “I want to come.”

Aedion snorted, the idea of Elide with him on the road was far too funny to keep it inside.

“I’m not joking, Aedion,” she crossed her arms. “Aelin will be my Queen one day, I am certain of this. Whoever took her couldn’t have killed her, or we would have found her body that day instead of an empty bed. I want to find my friend as much as you do.”

Aedion thought about it for a second. He would be less suspicious if he traveled with a woman, this way they could pretend to be a couple and attract less attention on them. Aedion had a lot of Ashryver features, which was sure to bring attention to him as he traveled on the continent where he was born.

“We’re leaving in five days. Be ready.”

————

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cloudywriter · 2 years

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i am, in fact, going to murder you in your sleep

It Takes Two - Part 48

I recommend that if you have important things to do or places to go you hold out on this for a little bit. final word count sits at 9152 and… well… here it is.

Masterlist

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Rowan would sell his soul to Hellas himself if it meant that Aelin would open her eyes. Rain was still falling heavily around him, causing an abrasive sound to intrude on his panic. Common sense told him to get out of the car, to go around to Aelin door and haul it open so he could see her better. But that quiet voice was being drowned out by his voice saying her name over and over, looking at her unconscious form next to him.

There were people moving around the car and Rowan tore his eyes away from Aelin to assess the damage. It was then he realised that even if he wanted he wouldn’t have been able to get out of the car anyway. From what he could tell they had spun out, and through the windshield he could see that the nose on the passenger side had taken some damage he assumed had come from another car, and maybe that had sent them into the pole that was crushed into his side of the car. Somehow his window remained unscathed, but Aelin’s was shattered but hadn’t fallen from the frame which was a blessing in itself—those were injuries she could do without. And yet… she wasn’t waking up. Rowan tried moving but he couldn’t get far, his seatbelt wouldn’t let him get anywhere and when he tried to undo it wouldn’t budge. Instead he gingerly and slowly tested out his limbs all of which seemed to be working fine. It still wasn’t enough.

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cloudywriter · 2 years

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i don’t even wanna know 😪

Same Time Thursday - part 12

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masterlist

~ 6k words

CW: mentions of sexual abuse, mentions of drugging, and some fluff!

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She’d explained it to Emrys as a cold. A simple cold, that’s all it was. It required a few days off of work, but only because she didn’t want to infect anyone else of course.

The truth was, Aelin felt too shitty to leave her apartment, let alone work a shift at a busy cafe. Emrys had understood of course, and though Aelin was upset about missing the pay, she had a bit of cushion from the money Arobynn had put into her account. She hated herself for it, but she couldn’t do anything but accept it. Keeping Elia safe and fed was more important than her pride.

She’d had to miss a stats lecture too, something that almost made her ignore her aching body in favor of trekking out into the snow to campus. But Maeve didn’t take attendance, so Aelin would survive the absence.

In addition to homework, Aelin spent the extra time with Elia. They read all the picture books Aelin owned, twice. They played with blocks, and sorted them by color. They did a puzzle, and even painted together, Aelin using some dollar store paint she bought and letting Elia finger paint all over one of her notebooks.

It’d been nice having some time to just have fun together, and not stress as much as she’d been lately. It was a few days of safe haven, where she didn’t think about Arobynn, she didn’t think about school, she didn’t think about work or money or everything hanging over her head. It was freeing.

Rowan had come over a few times too, when he could. Usually around dinner. He’d knock on the door, carrying his bundle of groceries, and make them all a feast to eat. Aelin usually thanked him with a kiss.

They hadn’t talked about Arobynn yet, but she knew the discussion was coming. He was just letting her have a bit of peace first.

It even seemed like Arobynn was giving her some space, probably just to let the full impact of what he’d done sink in. No texts, no sightings, nothing. Aelin didn’t know what to think.

But the time had come for her to go back to work, her body finally feeling up to par. The drugs had knocked her out of it, worse than it had before. This must have been more than a single dose; usually she wasn’t knocked unconscious. Aelin hated that there was a usually.

But it was true. From what she remembered, she’d be groggy, not completely asleep, and it took her about a day to bounce back, not three. But she wished it was the other way around. Back then, she didn’t have anything to do with her time besides sit around and wait for something to happen. Maybe read, maybe play the piano, but that was pretty much it. Arobynn didn’t let her go many places without him, and since she’d given up control of her company, there wasn’t much she could do with that either.

Aelin regretted that the most, giving up her parents' legacy. At first, everyone had thought she still owned it, she’d gleaned that much. But she also knew that Arobynn had strategically merged it with his own company, under the guise of a partnership between the two of them, not a marriage.

He hadn’t wanted his pristine reputation to be damaged by marrying an eighteen year old, yet he wanted her tied to him.

She wished she’d seen the irony then.

Aelin sighed, wrapping her thickest coat tighter around herself as she made her way down the icy street. The weather was particularly bad today, she noticed. A storm was predicted to roll through that evening, but it looked like it’d be sooner.

How lovely.

She muscled through the rest of the walk, keeping herself bundled up as she hurried into Mistward. She was opening that morning much to her chagrin. Rowan had picked up Elia just before she left, taking babysitting duty. He apparently only had a virtual class that day, his professor not wanting to show up to campus in the snow. Fair, and Aelin couldn’t help but be grateful for it, trusting him to take care of her daughter.

She trusted Elide now to a certain extent she supposed. She’d insisted on coming to drop off Elia that day instead of making Rowan leave and go get her, and stopped in to talk to Aelin for a bit. She was a sweet person, and seemed genuine, and Rowan’s word was favorable to her, so Aelin couldn’t help but believe she took good care of all the kids she looked after.

Elia had certainly seemed happy, so there was nothing for Aelin to complain about. If anything, it was just more options for babysitters.

Aelin pulled out her key, unlocking the door to the cafe and hurrying inside. It was cold in there too, but she flicked on the lights and turned on the heat, and it was warming up in no time. Good timing too, because soon a light dusting of snow was falling outside.

And soon there was more. And more. And more.

It didn’t stop, and a sense of foreboding rose in her.

There was only a small trickling of customers instead of the usual crowd, and by the time Emrys came in, a few hours after she started working, the cafe only had a few people in it and the snow outside was falling more heavily than ever.

“It’s really coming down out there,” Emrys mused, and she made a hum of agreement, her eyes drifting toward the windows for the millionth time that day. The world outside was turning white, and she couldn’t help but be a bit surprised. It was still early in the season for this much snow, but she supposed the weather didn’t really stick to a clear set of rules. It did whatever the hell it wanted to.

But then through the snow, she spotted a little bright turquoise hat, a hat she’d bought. A smile formed on her face as the door opened, that little hat and the child in it, plus the man carrying her, walking in.

“Hey,” Aelin greeted with a smile, “field trip?” Rowan tapped his boots against the edge of the door as he walked in, knocking some of the snow off before stepping inside, heading right toward where she was leaning against the counter.

He greeted her with a quick kiss, and she leaned over to kiss Elia’s forehead too, who was babbling something that sounded like mama, and other words Aelin couldn’t quite identify. She was closer and closer to speaking more every day, and she couldn’t wait to hear what she said next.

With her luck though, Elia would start spouting off statistics jargon, and she’d have to listen to that for months on end.

Aelin thought her daughter would be clambering to be in her arms by now, but she seemed content with Rowan, which Aelin couldn’t be mad about. In fact, the sight brought a warmth to her chest, battling the cold that had seeped into the space.

“Yep,” he said with a smile, “Taking a break from the very hard business of learning colors. Right, Elli?” He shot her a sly look. “Managerial Accounting too, but that’s not nearly as important.”

Aelin chuckled, smiling lightly as she propped her chin up on her hand.

“Well, would you like to step behind the counter and take a break with me?” She waggled her brows.

“How can I resist?” Rowan joked, slipping behind the counter and carefully setting Elia onto it. “So what are we working on?”

Aelin glanced around, at the lack of people. “Nothing really,” she said honestly, “Why don’t you make yourself a drink?” He raised a brow.

“What should I get?” He asked. “What would you make?”

“I’m quite partial to the iced hazelnut latte with extra chocolate drizzle and two extra shots of espresso,” she said, grinning at his shocked expression. “But during this time of year I tend to go for the peppermint chocolate mocha with extra chocolate syrup and -”

“Two extra shots of espresso?” Rowan finished, his lips curling up on the side, and she nodded.

“Exactly.” Her smile just grew. “You need the caffeine, but you have to bury the taste of it in sugar.”

“And what would you say if I told you I didn’t really like sugar?” Rowan asked, smirking a bit as he leaned against the counter. Aelin lifted a hand to her chest and mockingly gasped.

“I’m scandalized, I don’t think I can associate with someone who doesn’t like sugar.” She tried to hide her smile but failed as he immediately picked up a cup, exaggerating an expression of worry.

“Ignore me then,” he said, “I love sugar.” A moment passed, both of them smiling at each other like nothing in the world could get in their way. At least that’s how she felt. Until he twirled the cup in his hand, saying, “So how do I make the drink?”

Aelin furrowed her brows. “What drink?”

“Your drink,” he answered, “your sugar filled monstrosity.” She chuckled, snatching the cup from him.

“I’ll do it, it needs a sugar lover’s touch.” She adopted a superior tone. “In fact, Elia should help me instead. She’s my blood, she’s got my taste buds.” Rowan’s smile faltered, and Aelin examined what she said to try and think of what bothered him, but came up empty.

She filed it away for later.

“Here,” he said, fixing his expression as he grabbed another cup. “I’ll make the kind of coffee I like to drink, and you make yours, and then we’ll switch.” Aelin nodded once.

“Sounds like a plan. You’ll get to see that mine is far superior.” She winked and picked up Elia smoothly from the counter, turning to get to work on the drink. As she turned, she made contact with Emrys, who was smiling warmly at them.

Aelin just smiled back. She didn’t think she could be this happy, but here she was.

------

Her text alert ruined that happiness less than ten minutes later. She was enjoying her coffee she’d made, her and Rowan having switched back immediately. The face he’d made when he took a sip would live in her head forever, she’d laughed so hard. But it wasn’t like she was much better, his coffee had been utterly disgusting, it was way too bitter and just not enjoyable at all. It wasn’t something you’d savor, it was something you’d drain as quickly as humanly possible.

But she’d been sitting down next to him at a table, practically everyone having abandoned the cafe already, when her phone buzzed, making her face fall.

The only person who ever texted her was sitting right there, which meant -

“Arobynn?” Rowan asked, his face tense, and Aelin pursed her lips, looking away. But she didn’t deny it. “Can I see what he said?” He asked softly, and she sighed and nodded, not even looking at the message before sliding her phone over to him.

She didn’t really want to know anyway. Even though there was a little bug inside her head making her itch to respond. A bug he’d planted.

Instead, she watched his face pinch as he read the message, as he scrolled through the rest of their chain of conversation. Arobynn had never been outright harsh with his words, but he rarely was, unless she did something truly heinous in his eyes. Like cry, or be nice to someone other than him, or do exactly what he said but with “attitude”. The list was endless depending on his mood, but in most situations, he was more subtle, until you ended up completely twisted around, unsure of what you’d agreed to or why you’d agreed to it. Or until he struck like a viper, and you were left completely defenseless, completely unprepared for the attack.

She’d experienced a mixture of both, but he’d been sticking to the former from a distance. Whether it was bringing up memories he knew would affect her, or using her own words against her, or just fucking messing with her mind in that way he’d always been able to. It was a little scary for Rowan to be reading all of that, but it was his true first look at what Arobynn was like, and Aelin wanted him to know, wanted someone else to experience it. If only so she didn’t feel like she was completely insane.

“Aelin-” he said quietly, and she was going to cut him off when Emrys did it for her.

“Why don’t you three head on home? You don’t want to get stuck here” He said, brows furrowed as he looked outside, where the snow was picking up. It was still driveable, and it would only get worse from here, and when she looked at Rowan, he looked like he was thinking the same thing. Her shift was practically over anyway.

“Okay, yeah.” Rowan gestured with his head to the door. “You want to head out?” Aelin nodded, grabbing her phone back and standing up, retrieving her purse and coat from behind the counter. She picked up Elia, who was playing with Fee-fu, and turned to Emrys.

“Make sure you get home safe too, alright?” She said, and he waved her off.

“Malakai is coming to pick me up,” he said, “don’t worry about me, lass.”

Aelin smiled and turned back to Rowan, who’d stood up, his car keys in his hand.

“Alright, let’s go,” she said, and they headed out the door.

The outside world was just as cold as it looked from the inside, and she hugged Elia closer to herself, tucking her under her coat. They hurried to Rowan’s car, and Aelin buckled her daughter into the car seat in the back before quickly darting to the passenger side, shutting the door behind her.

“It’s freezing out there,” she chuckled, rubbing her arms to warm them up. She expected Rowan to react with a similar sentiment, but his face looked as icy as the snow falling around them. “What’s wrong?” She asked, her smile fading. He sighed as he pulled out of the parking lot and onto the street, his eyes glued to the road.

“This weather is quite hideous, isn’t it darling? I hope nothing unfortunate happens,” he said, his voice tense, and her brows furrowed at the weird verbiage, before it clicked.

“Is that what he texted?” She asked, leaning back in the seat but turning her head toward him. Rowan didn’t look at her, focused on driving carefully.

“I’ve heard your stories, and I saw what happened the other day, but reading his words…” he shook his head, “I scanned through your text thread with him and it’s just despicable. The way he acts so polite one minute and then is ruthless the next.” Aelin sank into herself a bit.

“He’s quite talented at that,” she said bitterly, “always has been.”

“Why do you respond?” He asked, more softly, and she sank into herself more.

“Can we just talk about this later?” She didn’t want her bubble of happiness to burst yet. “When we’re not driving.” Rowan hesitated, but nodded.

“Of course,” he added kindly, “but there’s a lot we still need to address.” She sighed.

“I know, and we will. Just not right now.” She huddled into her jacket. He seemed to accept her words and they sat in silence the rest of the way to her apartment, soft music playing from the radio, though the storm made it a bit staticky.

By the time they arrived, Aelin was sure the coffee hadn’t done anything, because she was utterly exhausted. But she made herself perk up as they parked, moving quickly to get Elia into the warm apartment. She still had her class to log into too; marriage and family. It was fully virtual so the weather didn’t impact the attendance.

It was kind of convenient Rowan was there actually, he could babysit. Aelin didn’t need to turn her camera on for that class, but she still needed to learn the material. A fussy one year old didn’t help with that.

Once they got inside, Aelin turned on the TV to the weather channel, frowning at the giant blue cloud on the map that the guy was pointing to. The storm had gotten worse since the last time she checked it.

She sighed. “Do you mind watching Elia for a bit longer?” She asked Rowan. “I have my stupid class I have to log on for.” But she reconsidered as she patted Elia’s back, who was curled into her, looking very much like she wanted to sleep. “Actually, she probably needs to go down for a nap. I’ll be right back.”

She went to pass Rowan, heading to the hallway, but he stopped her gently, looking apologetic. “Hey, I’m sorry if I pushed you too much in the car. I just -”

“It’s fine,” she interrupted, trying to sound sincere. “Don’t worry your pretty little head about it,” she added teasingly, earning a genuine smile. And she kissed that smile softly, leaning up on her toes. It was a soft kiss, the perfect warmth after the outside air, and when they pulled back, she almost wished they didn’t, wished they could stay there forever.

But she just winked before passing by, hearing him chuckle behind her. And she realized she couldn’t stop her smile even if she wanted to.

-----

“So this moves us on to our next portion of the topics for this week,” her professor spoke through the screen, the audio crackling through her old computer. “Divorce, high-conflict separation, and domestic violence.”

Aelin sighed internally, but was the picture of calm on the outside as she listened to him start to talk about what was expected this week in this new module. She knew this unit was coming, but she still didn’t want it to. She didn’t need the constant reminder of how messed up her marriage was; she knew perfectly well herself.

Tucking her sock covered feet up under herself on the couch, she scrunched into a tight ball, hugging her legs with her sweatshirt clad arms and resting her chin on her knees, as if she could hide from his words by making herself small.

“About 50% of all marriages will end in divorce, according to a study done by the Akkadian Research Center,” her professor said. She knew she should be taking notes, but she didn’t really think she could. “1 in 3 women experience some sort of physical violence by a significant other, 1 in 7 women have been injured by a significant other, and 1 in 10 women have been raped by a significant other.” She squeezed her legs tighter. “I could go on, but I think the point is made, so I have a few questions to pose instead. How do you think these statistics impact the divorce rate? Do you think no fault divorce has had more of an impact? Or has it given women in those situations an easier route of getting out?”

Aelin wanted to sink back into the couch, to bury herself in the cushions.

“Hey, how’s your class going?” Rowan said, entering the living room, rubbing his eyes. He’d apparently been at the library until 4 am the night before, studying for an exam he had coming up, and had been nearly falling asleep from the moment he sat down on her old but albeit comfy couch. So she’d all but ordered him to go take a nap in her room, leaving her the only one awake.

“It’s fine,” she said, her voice small.

“There are a lot of different ways that a domestic violence situation can escalate,” the audio continued, and her eyes flicked away from the screen. “And most of the signs aren’t evident at first unless you’re looking for them.”

“Ah,” Rowan said, taking a moment before seemingly deciding something. “Do you want me to make you some tea?” She looked over at him, raising her brows.

“Tea?” She asked. “I don’t own tea.”

“Yes you do,” he corrected, padding toward the kitchen. “I bought you some two days ago.” He opened a cabinet, whipping out a cardboard box of tea bags. “It’s lemon strawberry. Perfect for this weather.” He gestured to the window, to the heavy snow falling down. Aelin didn’t think he’d be leaving anytime soon.

“Since when are you a tea drinker?” She asked, turning to rest her chin on the back of the couch and watch him in favor of listening to her class. In fact, she used her foot to turn down the volume, her sock almost slipping against the keyboard.

“Since freshman year,” he answered, pulling out a mug and filling it with water before setting it in the microwave. “When I discovered all the benefits of it.” She arched a brow, smiling slightly. For some reason, the idea of Rowan, a piece of wonderful masculine architecture, drinking a mug of steaming tea was filling her with delight.

“And what are the benefits?” She asked, tilting her head. He smirked at her flirtatious tone.

“Well,” he said, grabbing the boiled water from out of the microwave. “It helps me concentrate when I’m working on homework until 3 in the morning.” He dunked the tea bag in the mug. “It helps me unwind when I’m tense in the evenings.” He prowled over to her, leaning down to brace his elbows against the back of the couch. “It’s also good for my heart,” he said softly, inches away from her face.

She let out a breathy, “oh?”

“Mmhm,” he said, eyes flicking down to her lips and back up. “Keeps me nice and strong. I can really get my blood pumping.”

“And work up a sweat?” Aelin asked coyly, heat pounding through her. He nodded, inching even closer. Her breath caught, her lips parting while her heart beat out of her chest, and they were about to kiss when a cry came from down the hallway.

She sighed, squeezing her eyes shut and pulling back. She uncoiled herself and stood up, pushing hair behind her hair and leaning over to turn the volume back up.

“Would you mind listening to my class while I go deal with Elia?” She asked Rowan. “As much as I don’t want to pay attention, what he’s lecturing about is going to be on my exam.” He nodded, walking around to smoothly sit on the couch. “Thanks.”

She rubbed her eyes as she headed back toward Elia’s room, the little girl’s cries piercing the apartment.

“What’s wrong, baby?” Aelin asked as she lifted her daughter out of the crib. She walked around a bit, patting her on the back. But the cries didn’t stop and she sighed. “Are you hungry? Is that the issue?”

She carried her out to the kitchen, rocking her and trying to soothe her as she looked in the fridge for something for her to eat. And then the pantry, and then the cupboards. There were some snacks but not nearly anything substantial enough for a full meal.

“What’s wrong?” Rowan asked from the couch.

“I can’t find any food,” Aelin answered, flustered as Elia kept crying. “I was supposed to go to the store two days ago but I couldn’t and I forgot about it until now.”

He looked concerned. “I should’ve brought you guys some more food.”

She waved him off, a resigned sigh escaping her mouth. “It’s fine, I can just breastfeed for now.” And feel twice as drained afterward but it was fine. Elia came first.

Rowan still was hesitating, like he was going to offer to go out into the snow and scavenge for them, but she just ignored him, setting Elia on the counter to take off her sweatshirt, leaving her in just her bra. Not how she imagined Rowan seeing her topless for the first time, but when you have a kid things never work out the way you expect them to.

Aelin walked over and sat at the kitchen table, facing away from Rowan as she unclipped her bra too. Elia immediately latched on, proving how hungry she was.

It barely took any time at all, and then she was cleaning herself up, sliding her sweatshirt back on and taking a snoozing Elia back to her room. It took more effort than probably normal to get the girl into her crib, and to stand back up, wiping clammy sweat from her forehead.

But Aelin didn’t hesitate, padding back out to take her spot in front of her computer, and finally taking the tea from Rowan, who was looking at her with a familiar expression of concern.

“What did I miss?” She asked, taking a sip of the hot beverage. It was warm inside her apartment, but it was a nice aesthetic with the snow outside.

“Not much,” Rowan answered, gesturing to the screen, which was quiet. “Your teacher just told you all to start work on the video and discussion post for this week.” Aelin nodded.

“Okay, thank you,” she said quietly, taking another sip of the tea. She tucked her feet back up under herself, grabbing the remote to flip on the weather channel again. Her body was tense for some reason, a weird form of adrenaline racing through her veins, or maybe it was the clamminess, feeling all too close to passing out.

“Aelin, are you oka-”

“Gods, I’m fine,” she snapped, “can you just stop asking me?” She slammed her tea down, pushing herself to a stand and storming somewhere.

“Oh, excuse me for trying to make sure nothing’s wrong,” Rowan snapped back, “I’ll just shut up next time.”

“That’s all I’m asking,” she said, turning back to him angrily. “I don’t need you to coddle me.” Rage was flowing unbidden through her, mixed with an unbearable amount of sadness. This was their first fight. But it always started out that way; with just one.

“Would you like me to just pretend then? Like you seem to be doing?” Rowan said, his face angrily tense, and Aelin rose to the challenge, straightening at his words.

“Fuck you,” she spit, “I never asked you to interfere.” She gestured out to the door. “If you don’t like it, then feel free to leave at any time.” Rowan’s brows shot up, hesitation crossing his features, but she wasn’t done. “You have no right to come into my life and judge all my fucking choices.” Her voice was thick.

“I’m not tryi-” he started to say, but she shook her head, interrupting him.

“I’ve dealt with that already,” she managed to say, “I’m not about to do it again.” She scrubbed at her face.

“I know y-” he started to say, when the entire apartment went dark.

The TV flipped off, the lights shutting off as the whirring of all the electronics faded away. The power was out.

“Fuck,” she breathed, bracing herself against the kitchen table. “I don’t have a generator.”

“It’s going to get really cold in here,” Rowan said, standing up. “We need to make sure we all stay warm.” It was sound advice, but Aelin was still full of adrenaline from their argument.

“I know,” she snapped, “you don’t need to lecture me.” He stayed silent at that, and she padded away into Elia’s room, going to sit in there instead, watching her as she slept and wishing she could be that peaceful.

--------

About a half an hour in and Aelin was starting to get worried. The heat hadn’t kicked back on, and the apartment was starting to get cold. Just like Rowan had said.

She paced back and forth in Elia’s room, holding her tight to her chest. She’d bundled them both up in all of their warmest clothes, but the little girl was starting to shiver. And the sight was making Aelin’s heart hurt.

Rowan had gone around the apartment, turning all the taps on a little bit, to keep the pipes from freezing according to him. That was the only exchange between them since the power went out.

Her landlord hadn’t alerted her at all to when the power might be back on, but she had a feeling it wasn’t going to be anytime soon. So she needed to move past her pride and ask Rowan for help, because she didn’t know how to react in this situation. She’d never lived anywhere this cold, and nothing like this had happened the year before.

Her family was technically from Terrassen, which was even colder than Doranelle, which generally had more mild winters, but Aelin had moved to Rifthold when she was about five, so she didn’t remember what that much snow was like. They’d also been rich as hell, so they never had to worry about the power being out.

Aelin was about to go back out to the living room, when Rowan softly knocked on the door, poking his head inside.

“Hey,” he said gently, “I don’t think the storm is supposed to be stopping anytime soon, I think we need to prepare for the power being out for a while.”

Elia shivered again, and Aelin felt frantic tears prick her eyes. “I don’t know what to do,” she said tightly, “she’s already too cold.” Rowan seemed to accept her words as an offer of a cease fire, to accept the situation as a cease fire, and he nodded.

“We need to pick a room to insulate as well as we can,” he instructed, and she nodded. “Your bedroom probably works the best, because it’s the farthest back in the apartment, not as much cold can get in.”

“Okay,” she said faintly, “Should I get all the blankets I have?” Rowan nodded.

“And towels too,” he added, “we need to shove them into the cracks in the door, into anywhere where air can get in.” Aelin nodded and grabbed the few blankets she had scattered around Elia’s room: one on her chair, one on the floor, another in the closet.

Rowan headed out the door to the bathroom, grabbing towels from under the sink. He also went to the living room and grabbed the blankets she had laying on the couch before heading into her bedroom. Aelin followed.

He shut the door behind her, immediately crouching down to shove a blanket into the crack beneath the door, and then the cracks around the side, insulating it as best he could. There was only a tiny window in her room, and Rowan closed the curtains, before looking at her.

“Do you have any packing tape?” He asked her and she nodded, moving to go grab it from one of her drawers. She handed it to him, and he used it to tape the curtains together and to the wall, trying to block it the best he could.

When he was done, he sighed, gesturing to the bed. “We should get under the covers too, it’ll help. Elia especially.” Aelin nodded and pulled back the covers, sliding underneath just as Rowan joined on the other side.

Her very bones felt like they were freezing, her skin icy to the touch, and she craved the heat coming from Rowan, subconsciously rolling closer. He didn’t seem to mind, in fact, he hesitantly draped his arm over her waist, pulling her and Elia closer.

She cuddled into him, Elia resting in her arms in between them, with the comforter cocooning them all together. He was looking at her, his eyes soft, and she smiled lightly, trying to show she wasn’t mad anymore. Because she wasn’t, and she shouldn’t’ve been in the first place. He was just trying to help, like always.

Like he was now.

“It doesn’t snow in Adarlan,” she said quietly, a small breath of a sentence.

“No?” He asked just as quietly, and she shook her head, crinkling the starchy sheets.

“It’s hot there,” she continued, “especially in Rifthold.” Rowan’s arm was warm around her, even through his thick coat, and she reveled in the touch as she gently stroked Elia’s hair.

“Did you like that better?” He asked, his voice a small puff of air.

“No, I don’t think so,” she said honestly, “it was almost suffocating, especially whenever I went into the city. There’s more space to breathe here. More air to breathe.” She hoped she was making sense. “Which is why I used to love the beach. Even if it was hot, it was so open.”

“Used to?” Rowan pried gently, and she lowered her gaze from his.

“That’s where my honeymoon was,” she explained. He lifted his arm to softly tuck a piece of hair behind her ear.

“Maybe I’ll take you two to the beach in the summer,” he proposed, “make a new memory. How does that sound?” Aelin met his eyes again, smiling tightly.

“That sounds nice,” she said simply, “I’d like that.”

“Yeah?” He asked quietly, his voice a little vulnerable, and she nodded.

“Yeah.”

Silence fell in the room, only punctured by Elia’s soft snores. And they were just looking at each other, but she didn’t feel judged or stared at, she felt comforted, like the very weight of his gaze was a soothing balm on her soul.

Which is maybe why she said what she said next.

“I don’t know why I respond to his texts,” she admitted, bringing up the conversation from earlier. “Well, I do, I suppose. That used to be one of the most common things he’d get mad at me for, when I didn’t respond to his texts soon enough.” Rowan’s expression was open. “It’s almost a compulsion now, a nagging in my gut that tells me if I don’t respond then something bad is going to happen. And yet, I’m afraid something bad is going to happen, because I’m afraid the moment I don’t respond, he won’t just text me, he’ll do something worse.”

Rowan sighed, his thumb stroking softly over her back. “Lorcan’s pre-law,” he said, and she furrowed her brows. “He’s doing an internship with a family lawyer right now for his resume.” Understanding washed through her. “They may be able to help you get a restraining order, pro bono.”

“He’s pretty powerful, Rowan,” she said, trying to make him understand. “I don’t think that’s going to hold up in court.” A heaviness settled in her bones, making her drowsy.

“It’s worth a try, right?” He asked. She hesitated, but he looked so hopeful that she nodded.

“It’s worth a try.” He looked so relieved by her answer she couldn’t be upset for the lie it was.

“I’ll reach out to him tomorrow,” he said, “now get some sleep, there’s nothing to worry about now.”

She barely even had time to agree with him before she was out.

-------

The power turned back on sometime overnight, but Aelin didn’t wake up for it, waiting until there was a clanging in the kitchen, and an exaggerated “oh no”!

She sat up, rubbing her eyes, finding her bedroom back to normal, no blankets everywhere, no curtains taped to the wall, no heavy coat on her body, and no Elia. She furrowed her brows, pushing herself to a stand and wandering out to the kitchen.

She smiled at the sight she found. Elia was sitting in her high chair by the kitchen counter, giggling as Rowan knelt to clean up her spilled bowl of applesauce.

“Now, why would you do that?” He teased the little girl. “This is perfectly good food.” Elia just laughed more as Rowan got more out from the fridge, pouring a little more for her to actually eat. “See?” He took out a spoon, scooping some for himself. “Mmm, delicious.”

He smiled as Elia clapped her hands, clearly delighted at Rowan eating the same food as her.

“What’s going on here?” Aelin said with a smile as she walked into the room. “Where’s my breakfast?” Rowan tilted his head toward the stove.

“Cooking right there,” he said lightly, and she turned to see bacon cooking on the stovetop. Bacon she certainly didn’t have yesterday. She raised a brow and he shrugged. “I ran out to the store this morning.”

She chuckled incredulously, and pressed a kiss to his lips before taking post by the stove. As she waited for the bacon, she glanced outside, seeing soft sunlight stream in the morning light. Snow coated the ground, but it wasn’t anywhere as torrential as it’d been yesterday.

“I actually have to head out,” he said, his face dripping with regret.

“Oh,” she said, surprised.

“I have class in a few hours, but Maeve wants to meet with me before then, and I better stop by my own apartment first to shower and change.” He looked down at his clothes, the same ones from yesterday, and she couldn’t help but agree. Maeve was the type to call you out on anything like that.

“Okay,” she said, smiling tightly, “no worries. Talk to you later?”

“Of course,” Rowan said, pressing a quick kiss to her lips before heading to the front door, sending a wave to both of them before disappearing.

Aelin sighed, turning back to take the bacon off of the stove. When it was on a plate, the burner turned off, she went over to Elia, spooning some apple sauce and coaxing her to eat some.

But Elia wasn’t having it. She looked like she was pouting, a frown on her little face. Aelin knew the feeling.

“I know you miss him already, I do too,” she said, “but you’ve got to eat. We’ll see him soon, I promise.” Aelin didn’t think Elia comprehended any of that, but she begrudgingly ate some of the applesauce, and Aelin considered that a success.

After a few more spoonfuls, she went to go grab a piece of bacon, taking a bite of it.

“So what do you want to do today, Elli?” She asked her daughter. “I don’t have work until this evening, and I don’t have class.” Elia just blinked, and Aelin ate another piece of bacon.

She never made good breakfast for herself, but ever since she’d started dating Rowan, he’d been making it for her. Wait, were they dating? She assumed so, but she hadn’t asked.

Now it was going to eat at her mind until she figured it out.

As if by fate, her phone rang, and she answered it when she saw it was Rowan, not letting him speak before blurting out,

“Are you my boyfriend?” She cringed at the abruptness, but he just laughed.

“If you’ll have me, I’d love to be,” he answered, and she smiled, a breath of relief escaping her.

“Good, sorry for the interruption.”

“Don’t worry about it,” Rowan continued, “but actually, I think you need to come over.”

“To your apartment?” She asked. She’d never been there, surprisingly. It was just always easier for him to come over here, and a lot of the times Lorcan was there, as they were roommates, and no one was ever here besides her.

“Yeah,” he said, and his tone started to worry her, “There’s something you need to see.”

taglist:

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cloudywriter · 2 years

Text

this was literally beautiful

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The Most Important Thing

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a rowaelin oneshot

~ 13k words

CW: abortion, implied abuse, poverty, homelessness, death

an: this one is heavy, I need to warn you. I've been working on this for a while, and I'm finally ready to post it, but it is quite angsty. But you know me, so it ends happily, it's just quite the ride to get there. But I hope despite all of that, you enjoy it! Let me know what you think!

And thank you so much to @whimsicallyreading for being my sounding board and helping me with all of this. This fic would not be here without you!

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Her socks were wet. The lingering puddles of rain had soaked through her thin sneakers and now every step was a distinct squish.

She normally hated the feeling, but she couldn’t quite feel it this time. It was more of an expectation than an actual sensation. Yet her brain latched onto it and Aelin stared at her feet as they trailed along the damp pavement.

It was either that or think about the hand digging into her back, urging her forward faster than her legs wanted to take her.

Only a few months, only a few more months. That’s what had been running through her head for the past half a year. She was seventeen, almost legal and out on her own, but apparently she wasn’t making it to eighteen unscathed.

Unshed tears sank back into her throat, making her barely able to breathe. Her arms banded around her stomach, as if she could keep away the cold already deep in her bones. The grey sky was certainly well suited for the day.

“Stop dilly dallying,” a grouchy voice grumbled impatiently, and she flinched, her eyes darting upward. Aelin immediately regretted it as they landed on the building looming in front of her. Her gaze fell back to the ground.

She wondered what Sam would think about this, what he would say. She would never know though, she hadn’t seen him since Arobynn found the pregnancy test, since her entire life had been upended. Not that it was a good life anyway.

Shuffled from drunk parents to a drunk foster father at the young age of eight, she hadn’t exactly known much about peace, let alone happiness. Then watching other kids get shuffled through her house, never staying for more than a few months, always going home, getting adopted, or aging out. She didn’t have friends, she didn’t have anyone to turn to.

Until Sam. He’d been dumped into the system by a mom who couldn’t take care of him, and had ended up in Arobynn Hamel’s care instead. Aelin had just turned seventeen when she met him, and his kind heartedness in the face of everything they’d gone to had been a comfort when there was none.

She could still picture his smile, could still hear his laugh, could still taste his kisses. He wasn’t the only person she’d kissed, but she didn’t like to think about the other. It just made that cloud of grief inside of her grow even more, so she drowned it out in Sam’s sunlight.

And now here she was.

The doors of the clinic slid open almost sterilely, and the icy air conditioning just added to the chill in her bones. Did she want this? Aelin didn’t know, but she wasn’t really given a choice.

Not that that was anything new. She was never allowed any choices. Except, somehow this time he’d framed it as one, an illusion of one. On that terrifying day, only a week ago, when she’d mistakenly left the test somewhere easy to find, Arobynn had sat her down at the kitchen table and presented this choice.

“So what are you going to do?” He asked, leaning forward onto his elbows. Aelin blinked, still trying to process everything that was happening. Sam, where did Sam go? She needed him, needed someone.

“I - I don’t know,” she replied honestly, furrowing her brows. “I don’t know what I’m going to do.”

He reached out a hand across the table, but she shied away from it, staring at the wood grain instead. “You don’t have to do this. There’s that place down on 13th, I can make an appointment.”

She was confused at his tone. He was never this … this gentle sounding when talking to her. No, every word that came out of his mouth was venomous. This was unusual.

And then she processed what he’d said.

“An abortion?” She asked, stunned. For some reason, that wasn’t what she’d been expecting to hear. Arobynn nodded. “I’m… not sure,” she continued, and there was the familiar flicker of annoyance in his eyes.

“What’s the hesitation?” He asked, shaking his head. “You can’t do this, look at you. Think about your situation.” She chewed on her lip, looking everywhere but his cold grey eyes. Eyes that haunted her nightmares.

“I just need more time,” she croaked, the first feelings of a panic attack rising in her, “I can’t think of anything right now. Where’s Sam?” Her breaths got shorter, her hands starting to shake. Though, she wasn’t too sure of how well Sam could help. He hadn’t been able to calm her down very well when she was in a state like this, though he tried as best he could. Only one person had been able to, and he was long gone.

“Sam is… indisposed,” Arobynn said, a sinister sneer on his face. His facade was officially gone, and Aelin was almost glad for it. Even if her heart felt like it was going to beat its way out of her chest. “This is between you and me. Now make. a fucking. Choice.”

Her shoes squelched as she stepped into the building, Arobynn’s hand digging into her back, a clear warning. She picked at her nails, fighting the nausea rising in her gut for more than one reason.

It was happening. It was actually happening. Gods, she was going to be sick all over this stupid linoleum floor.

“Hi, how may I help you?” The lady at the desk said, looking up at Arobynn. Aelin’s heart started pounding in her chest, sweat beading on her brow.

“I have an appointment at 4 under the name Hamel,” he answered, and the lady tapped away at her keyboard, likely pulling up the schedule. Aelin would pay more attention if she could break out of the haze she was in. She felt dizzy, her eyes weren’t focusing on her surroundings.

She needed air.

“How old are you, miss?” The lady asked in a drawling voice, and Aelin looked up, blinking again.

“I’m seventeen,” she answered faintly, her voice breaking as she felt Arobynn’s dark stare aimed at her. The lady just nodded, turning back to Arobynn and sliding him paperwork to fill out.

Her arms returned to holding herself around her stomach, every single nerve in her body protesting with every line he filled out, every page he flipped.

“Don’t worry, sweetheart,” another soft voice said, and she glanced over her shoulder, at a young woman sitting in the waiting room. “It’s so quick, you won’t even know it’s happened until it’s over.”

The words were meant to be reassuring but it just made her feel even worse. Aelin didn’t love Sam, she knew that. She was worried about him, she missed him, but she didn’t think she was even capable of love. Yet, there was a glimmer of that feeling, a slight fire starting to crackle inside her, and she just knew somehow, if she went through with this, that fire would be gone.

And she’d be left with nothing once again.

The world descended back into a fog, and she could hear her heartbeat in her ears, pounding through her body in a wave of panic. It was all happening too fast.

Her head started shaking, the movement getting bigger and bigger, but no one seemed to notice. Maybe she wasn’t moving at all, or maybe she was trapped in her own little bubble, blocked off from the rest of the world. Maybe that’s why no one seemed to care.

She stayed in this spiral until Arobynn grabbed her arm, jerking her into motion.

“Come on,” he said tersely, “the nurse said they’re ready.” Aelin opened her mouth to say anything, but he squeezed her arm in a death grip, a clear message in his stormy eyes.

Shut the fuck up or I’ll make you.

So she did, her face paling as she was forced to follow him, who was following another woman, as sterile as the room around them. Maybe that woman would help her, maybe she’d see past the bubble and see her.

Because Aelin didn’t want to be there. She didn’t want to be there.

The building was making her sick, the smell was making her sick, the idea of walking out of here with everything back to the same shitty way it’d been before was making her sick.

But how could she get out of here? She couldn’t, not with Arobynn watching her every move as they walked down the seemingly endless white hallway.

She nearly tripped as he came to a stop when the nurse turned, opening a door on the left before looking back at them.

“What’s your name, dearie?” She asked, gathering a bit of warmth in her words.

“Aelin,” she managed to say, albeit tightly and breathlessly. Arobynn tightened his grip.

“Well Aelin, you can get changed into a gown in here, alright?” The nurse asked, and Aelin couldn’t do anything but nod. “We’ll stay out here.”

She was shuffled into the room, the door shut behind her, leaving her alone. Alone, but with nowhere to go. The room wasn’t small per se, but she felt suddenly claustrophobic, her arms tucked into her sides as she tried to make herself as small as possible. Maybe then she’d have more air to actually breathe.

Her chest tightened, panic seizing her, and she went to the door to try and get someone to let her out, but paused when she heard voices.

“Mr. Hamel, you can wait out in the lobby now, if that’s okay,” the nurse said.

“I’d prefer not to,” he replied back tersely, and Aelin held back the tears that were springing to her eyes.

“It’s policy, sir, I promise she’ll be taken care of.” There was a bit of grumbling that she couldn’t hear because of the ringing growing in her ears, but then there were footsteps, and the door opened again.

The nurse appeared. “Sweetie, what’s the matter?” She asked Aelin, and Aelin just shook her head immediately, her breaths catching.

“I don’t want to be here,” she said, bracing herself on one of the walls. Disinfectant hit her nose and she nearly gagged, clutching her stomach with her free hand. “I don’t want to be here.”

“It’s okay, darling,” the nurse added, her stony face pinched into an expression of concern. “It’s normal to be hesitant, but you’ll feel better afterward. Everything will be okay then.”

Aelin’s brows furrowed, her head making a jerking motion. “No, I -”

The nurse rested her hand on Aelin’s arm, as if in an attempt to soothe, but Aelin felt anything but soothed. Instead, tears pricked her eyes again, stronger this time, and she couldn’t stop them as they spilled down her splotchy cheeks.

“Come on,” the nurse added, “let’s get you into a gown and lying down. Then we can talk, okay? Sort through this nervousness.”

But by then it would be too late to leave.

So Aelin shook her head, her lips trembling as she stood up straighter. “No,” she said, “I’m leaving. I’m not doing this.”

The nurse looked shocked, but she masked it back into a crafted expression as Aelin walked toward the door, suddenly on a mission. Her sneakers squelched as she started marching back toward the lobby, her eyes frantic but her feet steady.

“You’re making a mistake, sweetie!” The nurse called out after her. “A girl like you can’t handle this kind of responsibility!”

Aelin just ignored her, marching on like a soldier escaping a bloody battlefield, finally finding freedom in the form of the lobby and the glass doors past. She didn’t know what the hell she was doing, but it sure as hell wouldn’t be this.

She passed a few other girls in the waiting room, ignoring Aobynn’s figure burning in the corner of her gaze as she kept walking. It’d started raining again in the few minutes she’d been occupied, a light drizzle that promised a heavier storm.

He eventually noticed her, and she heard an “Aelin Galathynius!” and heavy quick footsteps, but Aelin picked up her pace, eyes wide as the doors slid open for her. The rain was pattering down on the pavement, almost like the man behind her pattering on the linoleum floor, but she didn’t hesitate. She just took a deep breath and ran.

------

The darkness in the room pressed down on her like a heavy weight, offering both comfort and a burden as she chewed on her lip. Her recently cut hair fell down around her shoulders like a child sized curtain, yet another change she’d caused when she realized her long locks were both too recognizable and too much to deal with in her current circumstances. Vanity wasn’t exactly her top priority when she was busy figuring out how to survive.

Especially since she was now living and eating for two.

Aelin sighed and tossed the pamphlet to the side, scrubbing at her face and bracing herself on her knees. The shelter bed squeaked underneath her, and she cringed for a moment, worried she’d wake up the woman next to her.

Though she didn’t really care, considering that woman was the one who’d hesitantly passed her the pamphlet, trying to sell the free clinic it offered. She’d just fucking left one, why would she go back?

But the woman didn’t know that, didn’t know anything about Aelin except for the fact that she was homeless, and threw up in the bathroom every so often. She’d even lied about her age to get a bed here; if she said she was seventeen she’d just get sent back to social services, and back to him. So she was eighteen, and that was that.

Even the workers at the shelter had tried talking to her about it, and she shut them down every single time. It was the same thing that had happened with Arobynn: they were trying to sound reasonable, they were trying to offer her a choice, but got indignant when the choice she made wasn’t the one they wanted her to.

Aelin shifted to lay down, cuddling the thin blanket over herself. It was way past curfew, and everyone else was in various stages of sleep. She wished she could join, but she couldn’t, her mind whirring over the events of the past week. Gods, it’d only been a week.

She was lucky she’d stumbled across the shelter that second day, her whole body soaked and tired from spending the night out in the cold, unforgiving rain. But despite it all, despite her situation, sitting here in the dark Aelin couldn’t find a single ounce of regret in her bones.

She closed her eyes, trying to find comfort in the small bed. These conditions weren’t anything she was used to; Arobynn’s house had been nice, despite everything. He used his social services checks for his own gain, like the piece of shit human being he was. So she’d lived decently for the past decade, if you could call living in a nice house with shit clothes and shit food decent. But at least it was better than this.

But she’d chosen this, and it was worth it. She’d figure herself out soon. For now, she just needed to breathe.

Maybe she’d get a job, for the first time in her life. No, she would get a job. Not only to support herself, but to support the baby growing inside of her.

Tears pricked her eyes and her hands came down to rest on her stomach, as if she could feel the life there. An unfamiliar warmth grew in her chest, coursing through her whole body with an odd sense of contentment. Like her brain was telling her yes, this is right. This is what you’re supposed to do, this is who you’re supposed to love.

Love. A strange phenomenon, a strange sensation. She’d never felt it before, but somehow it felt like home.

-------

About a month passed before anything really changed. She’d been staying at the shelter the whole time, as it was pretty much an indefinite timeline for someone of her situation. Though once the volunteers figured out she was pregnant, they’d tried to cautiously direct her to a domestic violence shelter, and she’d had to carefully turn down the offer.

That wasn’t her case. She just didn’t have anyone else in the world to rely on, so she was stuck here.

Aelin had started job hunting though; there were a few places that claimed they were starter positions, with no experience required, but she’d been outcompeted by people who exceeded the qualifications. The shelter was helping, using some of their resources to get her into a stable position, but there was only so much they could do.

It also didn’t help that she had to lie about her name. Celaena Sardothien. She wasn’t a real person, which made it a tad difficult to get a job, but she didn’t have another option. Going around shouting that she was Aelin Galathynius would just throw her back to the wolves.

A feeling of hopelessness was settling deep into her gut, and some days it took too much effort to get out of bed in the morning. But she did, for food, for clean clothes, and for her child, who didn’t have anyone but her.

She’d started to show slightly, though she could still hide it under big t-shirts. When she first noticed the protruding bump, it brought back all of her worry about Sam and where he possibly could be. He was the father after all, and he deserved a say in their child’s life, but Aelin just didn’t even know where to begin in her hunt for him.

She wasn’t sure they’d have even been together if not for the circumstances they’d been thrown into, and Aelin also didn’t even know if she genuinely felt anything for him or if she just wanted to feel something. Either way, she’d feel guilty if she didn’t tell him, so she’d have to make it happen somehow.

But first, she needed lunch.

Aelin took measured steps down the sidewalk, one hand clutching her wallet and the other clutching her phone. Even if her phone was constantly shut off, to keep Arobynn from finding her, she still felt safer with it on her, just in case she needed it for anything.

There’d been a few missing posters for her in the first couple weeks after she’d ran away, leading her to even dye her already shorn hair a dark red. So unlike the golden it’d been, but she was trying to fly under the radar.

And she succeeded so well that no one even glanced her way as she walked down the street, coming back from an interview at a tiny restaurant she’d been to before. It was unpopular enough she thought she’d maybe have a shot, but they seemed less than enthusiastic when she’d had to admit she was pregnant.

Apparently she wasn’t a suitable candidate anymore. She’d wanted to call the man a certain unkind word, but she’d refrained, and instead left the building with grace. Like a civilized human being.

Aelin had also wanted to vomit the whole time, but she refrained from that as well, choosing to keep it in until she could discreetly heave her guts up into the bushes around the corner. And then she’d wiped her face, held her chin up high, and started walking toward the soup kitchen she’d started frequenting.

She did everything in her power to hide the fact that she was homeless, to not look the part, but she was, which meant she had no money for food.

That hit her hard sometimes, the gravity of everything she’d done, and it always brought on a wave of uncertainty, but she just swam through it and came out the other side with as much determination as before.

There was already a line forming by the time she got to the building, and her hand gravitated to her stomach as she took her spot, like it always did nowadays. And dressed in her giant grey salvaged men’s band t-shirt, which she’d tried and failed to turn into a more professional look, she fit right in with everyone there.

Mindlessly, she scanned the surroundings as she picked at her nails, taking steps whenever the line moved forward a bit. It was disproportionately male, and also disproportionately older, which meant she didn’t fit in to a certain extent. But she didn’t care, not as she got to the tables and began piling up her plate with food.

It was mostly the same volunteers as always, the nicer older lady that always gave her an extra roll, and the young pimply teen who she was pretty sure had a bit of a crush on her, but she stopped in her tracks when her gaze landed on a new volunteer a few tables ahead of her.

Fuck.

Fuck, fuck, fuck. Her face paled, her fingers tightening around her plate as she stared at the familiar figure ahead of her.

“Get a move on kid,” the man behind her said in a gruff voice and her feet stumbled into motion, launching her closer and closer.

Aelin kept her head down as she passed the next station, not even shooting smiles at the volunteers like normal. Only her red hair was visible as he dumped a serving of mac and cheese onto her plate, with a deep “Here you go, miss,” as she turned away. It’s not like she was embarrassed, because she wasn’t really, yet, she didn’t really want him seeing her like this.

“Thank you,” she muttered quickly, trying to move on. But she was held back by the line, and she winced when she heard that voice again.

“Aelin?” He asked, shocked, and she grimaced as she slowly looked up, finally meeting the eyes of Rowan Whitethorn.

Her first crush, her first kiss, her first confidante. It’d been a lifetime ago, though it’d really only been a little less than three years.

But those three years felt like a million.

He’d been in the foster care system too, and had been shuffled around until he ended up getting placed at Arobynn’s house with her when she was fifteen and he was almost seventeen. They’d hated each other at first, she’d been her normal bitter self and he’d been just as stubborn and combatant, both of them too wrapped up in their own shields to realize how the other felt.

But they’d only had a few weeks of happiness before he’d been shipped away, to an uncle who’d only then realized he had a nephew floating around out in the world. Aelin never let herself think about him, but gods it’d hurt.

And now, staring into his green eyes, all those painful feelings came back up.

“I’ve gotta go,” she said, snatching a water bottle and moving to dart out of the line.

“Aelin, wait!” He called after her, and she froze at the worry in his voice, a sigh escaping her. She turned around, glancing through the line of people to where he was at the table, still serving mac and cheese as he looked at her. He was still as handsome as the day they’d met. “Can we - can we talk?” Rowan asked hesitantly, “after I’m done here? Like fifteen minutes?”

Aelin looked away, chewing on her lip, but nodded. His face melted into a relieved smile, and she felt a little less regret at that sight.

But she turned back around and stiltedly walked to her favorite bench outside the building, like a marionette whose strings were pulled too tightly. Her plate rested on her lap, the plastic fork in her hand, but she couldn’t seem to eat anything, her stomach protesting as her brain worked in overdrive.

It was quiet out here, peaceful in the warm sunny afternoon. No rain to be found.

And all she did was sit there and wait until familiar footsteps padded up to her bench, a body sliding down next to her. She glanced at him out of the corner of her eyes. He was a little taller than before, a little broader, a little more of a man. But he was still Rowan.

“This is a kitchen for the homeless,” Rowan said, “what are you doing here, Aelin?” It wasn’t mean, it wasn’t an accusation of her unjustly taking food, it was a breath of concern, fear for why she was here and what that meant for her.

She let out a heavy sigh, squeezing her eyes shut. “I’m getting lunch,” she said, avoiding the true purpose of his question. “It’s lunchtime.”

She dragged her fork through the mac and cheese, sloshing the noodles around as she waited for him to speak.

“Are you staying at Mistward?” He asked quietly, naming the nearest shelter, coincidentally the one she was at. She nodded stiffly, her jaw clenched. “It’s still April,” he added, seemingly randomly, but she knew what he was getting at. She always understood him.

Her birthday was in May. She wasn’t eighteen yet, so she could have a roof over her head if she wanted one.

“I couldn’t stay there,” she said, swishing around the mac and cheese, her baby making itself known by the bolt of nausea it shot through her. Rowan’s body tensed and his arm brushed against hers, making her freeze.

“Did Arobynn - “ he asked, his voice gritted, and she shook her head quickly, still not looking at him.

“No, not like that,” she confirmed softly, knowing what he was referencing. The environment in the household had never been good, never healthy and never what it should’ve been from a foster father. The drinking had only gotten worse, and he’d made drunken passes at her a few times over the years.

Most of the time it was harmless, if such a word could apply, but she would never forget the time he’d been raving out of his mind on something, banging on her door while she hid out in Rowan’s room, afraid to leave his arms. That’d been the worst of it, but there was always that lingering sense of wrongness in the air of the house.

She could tell his shoulders dropped a bit, a fraction of his tension relieved, but the question still lingered in the air.

Why did she leave?

“I didn’t know you volunteered here,” Aelin said instead, switching the topic. “I’ve never seen you here, in the month I’ve been going.” She decided to offer him that little nugget of information, to give him something.

He seemed to accept the change in conversation, albeit hesitantly, and he dragged his hand down his face. “Yeah,” he replied, “it’s actually my first day. So they put me on mac and cheese duty,” he added lightly, and she looked over to see the hint of smile on his face. He turned and met her gaze, and the wind was knocked out of her. Her breath rushed out in a huge sweep, and all her nerves were on fire at the sight of his green eyes. Eyes that were melted with concern and with just emotion in general. She didn’t dare identify what that emotion was.

“You can eat it, you know, it’s not poisoned,” Rowan added, gesturing to her plate, and she looked back down at it, her fork still swirling around.

She pursed her lips, but speared some noodles onto her fork, lifting it cautiously. She was sure it was delicious, but she wasn’t really in the mood for any food right now. But she slowly took a bite, chewing and feeling the warm cheese coat her mouth. It was good, and she swallowed it willingly, but it settled with an off putting clunk in her stomach.

“How’ve you been?” Aelin asked, keeping the conversation away from her. “How's your uncle?”

They’d stayed in touch for a bit after he’d left, but she’d eventually stopped responding, in too much pain to reach out anymore. It was better to cut it off and avoid all ties, until Sam. Though that tie was unintentional, even if it was welcome now.

Rowan sighed. “He’s fine, living with him was fine, though I moved out when I turned eighteen. I have an apartment downtown now,” he gestured loosely down the street, “I’m taking classes at the community college and working down at an auto shop off of 13th street. Earns a good wage. What about you, Aelin?”

But she’d gone ridgid, her breath leaving her body at the words 13th street. Her blood pounded in her ears, her heart thudding in her chest. Her hands shook and she realized what was happening.

A panic attack.

An overwhelming sense of dread washed over her, her mouth drying up as she felt each distinct beat of her heart. Her whole body shook and the plate fell off her lap, flipping over to splat against the pavement. The sight of the mac and cheese spilled out across the concrete made her shake more, tears springing to her eyes as she fought for air.

“Hey, hey, hey,” Rowan said quickly, turning and taking her hands, “It’s okay, Aelin, everything’s okay.”

She shook her head, gesturing to her throat wildly, no breaths coming through. He took a hand, pressing it against his chest.

“Just breathe with me, okay?” He said softly but urgently, “can you do that for me, baby?” The term of endearment slipped out, momentarily shocking her, but he didn’t look fazed, just determined. So she nodded tightly. “Focus on my breaths. In, out, in, out.”

She stared into his green eyes, grounding herself in his gaze as she tried to match his breaths, fighting the tightness in her throat. It took a few tries, but soon she was able to take a small breath in and a small breath out. “Keep going,” he encouraged, keeping his gaze steady on hers. His free hand went to her cheek, and she leaned forward, her forehead touching his as they breathed together.

Aelin kept it up until she could breathe on her own, her panic slowly easing. The moment fell quiet, and she reveled in their closeness as she kept her forehead touching his. Until nausea forced its way up from her stomach through her throat and she was turning and vomiting into the bushes next to the bench.

He grabbed her red hair and pulled it back gently, his other hand rubbing soothing circles on her back as she retched again, throwing up her guts. She heaved a breath when she was able to, wiping away the puke from her mouth, but stayed bent over, braced on the edge of the bench.

The silence pressed heavily on her until she answered his unspoken question. “I’m pregnant,” she said, staring at the grass now splattered with her throw up. “I’m pregnant, and Arobynn wanted me to get an abortion. So I left.”

She sniffed, squeezing her eyes shut until he spoke, words that made her look up at him in shock.

“Hey,” he said softly, “why don’t you come back to my place and I’ll get you some more food, and then we can talk more, okay?” She considered the offer only for a moment, imagining the comfort a nice warm quiet apartment with him could entail, and she nodded.

“Okay.”

---------

They didn’t talk much on the way, besides a few small talk pleasantries about the weather and things like that. They didn’t bring up their past and they didn't talk about what she'd just admitted.

It wasn’t the time for it anyway; Aelin didn’t really feel like spilling out her secrets in the middle of a crowded downtown street.

They passed a missing poster on the way, and she ripped it down quickly, balling it up and throwing it into the nearest trash can. Rowan didn’t comment.

Soon enough, they were walking up to his building, entering it and climbing up the stairs to his floor. It wasn’t the nicest place in the world, but he’d gotten it himself, with his own merit and his own money and she respected that immensely.

The sounds of the street faded away as the door shut behind them, and her gaze ran over the space. It wasn’t big, but it was clean and nicely decorated, with some nice wood tones and a dark green plush couch that looked like a cloud. She wanted to throw herself on it.

So she did. She walked over and collapsed onto the soft fabric, groaning with satisfaction into the pillow at finally being off her feet.

Rowan chuckled behind her, and she heard his footsteps head toward the kitchen. Aelin rolled onto her back, linking her hands over her stomach and kicking off her dirty shoes.

“What do you feel up to eating?” He asked, and she hummed in consideration, trying to sort through her taste buds. She settled on -

“Do you have any carrots? And peanut butter?” She rubbed her flat stomach.

“Since when do you eat vegetables?” Rowan joked, and she frowned, even if he didn’t mean any harm by the statement. It was a running joke between them anyway, since they’d suffered through “family’ meals together for those few months.

“Since I stopped knowing where my next meal was coming from,” she snapped, peeling her eyes open to look over at him. He looked properly chastised, his deliciously full mouth pursing with sorrow as he turned back to go get what she’d requested.

She sighed as he disappeared from sight, returning to staring at the ceiling. She didn’t mean to direct her anger his way, she just felt… off her guard. Exposed. Vulnerable.

Her mouth fell shut until he returned carrying her snacks. Rowan sat down next to her as she sat up, wrinkling his nose as she dipped a carrot into the peanut butter, eating it carefully. Just to make sure she wasn’t about to have an adverse reaction to it.

But that’s what she was craving, and that’s what her stomach seemed to want.

It felt odd to sit here so calmly next to him after all this time, yet it felt completely normal as well. She didn’t quite know how to puzzle through it all.

“You dyed your hair,” Rowan commented, and she raised a brow, chewing on a carrot.

“That’s what you have to do when you’re on the run,” she said like it was obvious, and his lips quirked up on the side.

“I suppose you’re right,” he conceded. “Though I’m not sure this beats the time you accidentally dyed your hair blue.” He couldn’t hold back his smile at her squawk of indignation, knowing exactly what he was referencing. Back when they’d just met, when Rowan had just been transferred, and she was going through her stubborn “hating him” phase, she’d bought hair dye to prank him with and dye his light hair a bright green.

Turns out, not only had she bought the wrong color, but Rowan had known her plan and replaced her shampoo with the dye, leaving her hair a streaky blue for about a month.

She was lucky she did school online and hadn’t had to face any bullying for it. In fact, she was also lucky she did online school because she’d managed to get so far ahead with her classes she’d graduated early. No more high school bullshit for her to worry about now on top of everything else.

“That was your fault and you know it.” She pointed an accusing finger at him, and he lifted a brow.

“Wasn’t it your malevolent plan in the first place?” He asked, and Aelin frowned grumpily, knowing he was right. “I can see right through you, Galathynius.”

He was teasing her, but the words sobered her and she sighed, glancing at him out of the corner of her eye. She just needed to get the words out. Get this story over with. “About half a year after you left for your uncle’s, a boy named Sam got transferred to take your spot,” she said, and he straightened, looking at her with more attention. “I was still cut up about losing you, even if I tried not to show it. So I kept him at a distance, but not even in the way I did with you. I was just cold,” she explained, furrowing her brows.

“The thing about Sam is, that he’s so endearingly persistent about being nice that it’s almost impossible to stay mad at him,” she waved a carrot in her hand. Rowan looked like he understood, but with a current of unease beneath his calm facade. Fair, it’s not like she’d really want to hear about a girl he was with after her, even if they’d never done anything more than kiss. It was the emotions that mattered more, which is what she needed to explain to him. “But I never felt anything beyond friendship, or maybe a little inkling of something more, but nothing that really meant anything.”

Rowan looked a little assuaged by that, but she kept talking, burying herself into his comfy couch. “I don’t know what made me do it, really,” she shook her head, the words surprisingly calm. “Arobynn had been slightly better once you left, though the closer I got with Sam the worse it got again,” she made a sound of almost hysterical disgust, “which is just so unbelievably twisted, like he was staking some sort of claim on me.” Her lips wobbled and she hugged herself around her stomach. Rowan looked sorrowful and angry at the same time.

“But then I think I slept with Sam as kind of a response to that, a big giant fuck you.” She dropped her head into her hands, scrubbing at her face. “Which is even more twisted. But I was seventeen by that point and I was just so tired of it all.” She looked up at him. “I’m just so tired, Rowan.” Her voice cracked.

He wrapped his arms around her then and she fell into them, fighting back tears of pure exhaustion. “I know, Fireheart. I know.”

“I kept doing it,” Aelin continued into his shirt, “and Arobynn knew, and sent Sam away when I found out I was pregnant. I still don’t know where he is, and I’m worried about him.” She shuddered, and Rowan smoothed a hand up and down her back. “And then he pressured me into getting an abortion, even when I told him I wasn’t sure. I was at the place, I was at the fucking place, but I didn’t want to.” She shook her head. “I didn’t want to go through with it, but I didn’t know what he’d do to me if I had to go home with him after that, so I just ran instead.”

Aelin sighed heavily. “I’m just trying to figure it out now,” she said quietly, “I’m trying to get my life together but it just keeps falling apart.”

Rowan pulled back a little, pressing a chaste kiss to the top of her head, before looking at her with sincere green eyes. “Well, you always have a place here.”

------

She agreed to stay at least one night, at his request. According to him, he’d never forgive himself if he let her go back out to the shelter alone, especially while pregnant. Aelin wasn’t too surprised, he was a gentleman in every sense of the word, and always was there to help a friend out.

A friend. Because that’s all they were right now, that’s all that she could handle.

But it was more than she had before, and she appreciated it. Especially when he insisted she take his bed, and she was able to sleep on a comfortable surface for the first time in months. And wrapped up under his comforter, surrounded in his scent, was the most comfortable she’d really been in years.

So of course it was ruined by a fucking dream.

Aelin slammed her door shut behind her, darting over to Rowan’s room and slipping inside. He groggily looked up at her, rubbing his eyes as he squinted through the darkness.

“Aelin?” He asked, “what’s wrong?” She would’ve answered if not for the current of panic racing through her, keeping her from doing anything but clambering up onto his bed, burrowing herself into his arms. They wrapped around her automatically, though his brows were still furrowed from tiredness and from confusion.

“He’s drunk,” she managed to say, her eyes wide and her hands shaking. “I - he hasn’t been this bad before.”

Bang! Bang! Bang! Came from down the hallway, where her room was, and she flinched with every iteration, even more when he spoke.

“Aelin!” Arobynn slurred, “I know you’re in there! Come on darlin’, let me in.” But the door was unlocked, and she heard the telltale sound of it opening, and footsteps that changed direction when she wasn’t found.

Rowan looked furious, but rushed to get up when Arobynn walked that way, getting to the door and turning the lock just as Arobynn grabbed the doorknob on the other side.

Aelin didn’t want to look so vulnerable, but she was trembling as Rowan walked back over, laying down and pulling her shaking body into his.

“Come on!” Arobynn yelled angrily, too close to the door, and she squeezed her eyes shut. “Don’t be like this.” He hit the door and she flinched; Rowan tugged her in closer, drowning out the man’s words with words of his own.

“Hey, did I tell you what my Math teacher emailed me earlier?” He said softly, trying to distract her. He did online school too, and they’d spend their mornings and afternoons working in the living room together while Arobynn trudged off to work.

Aelin managed to shake her head, the starchy sheets scratching her cheek. She tried to ignore Arobynn’s shouting, focusing on Rowan’s voice instead.

“Yeah,” he said, brushing hair back behind her ear, “he told me that I’m doing really well in the class, that I had a bright future ahead of me.”

“That’s great, Rowan,” she managed to say, her words sincere.

“I’m thinking of applying to college next year,” he said, and the shock of that drove out some of the panic. That’d never really been in either of their plans. His was to graduate high school and get a good job; hers was to make it to graduation.

“Oh,” Aelin said, flinching slightly when Arobynn banged on the door again. “I didn’t know you were thinking about that.”

“Just recently,” he said, the words whispered across the bed. “And I was thinking that -”

“Wait,” she interrupted, ears pricked. “I think he’s gone.” Silence settled in the room, both of them listening for noise outside in the hallway. When nothing happened, Aelin sighed, tension pouring out of her. She closed her eyes, dropping her head onto Rowan’s chest. He rubbed her back soothingly. The scent of his pine body wash, having just showered, was heady, and she wanted to bury her face in his shirt forever.

He started talking again, whispering soothing things to her to calm her down, and soon enough, she was falling asleep.

Aelin’s eyes jerked open, a wave of anxiety rolling through her. The lack of Rowan’s arms suddenly made her feel cold, and empty, and lonely. Which was ridiculous, but she couldn’t fight the urge to climb out of his bed, trekking to the door, her bare feet barely making any noise as she cracked it open, padding out the living room where he was laying.

He looked ridiculous on the small couch, sprawled on his back. His long legs dangled off one side, his arm thrown over his face. She hesitated, not wanting to wake him up, but he cracked open his eyes anyway, like he could sense her there.

“Aelin?” He asked groggily. “Is everything okay?”

She nodded, but chewed on her lip, her eyes darting away from him.

“Can’t fall asleep?” He guessed, sitting up, and she nodded again.

“Would you mind,” she asked hesitantly, “sitting with me for a bit?” He paused and she immediately backtracked. “You don’t have to, forget what I said, that’s way too forward of me-”

“Of course I will,” Rowan cut in, pushing himself to a stand. He was wearing sweats and a black t-shirt, and Aelin had a fleeting thought, wondering how he looked so good in everything.

She padded back to the bedroom, hugging his big t-shirt around herself as she climbed back in bed. Rowan followed, sliding into place next to her. He sat against the headboard and she snuggled under the blanket, laying facing him as his hand went to smooth back her hair. One of her hands settled under her pillow, the other one resting loosely on her stomach.

“Go to sleep, Aelin,” he whispered softly, “you’re safe now.”

Her eyes fell closed, and she slipped away into the dark.

-------

A few months passed, and Aelin hadn’t left. She’d turned eighteen with as little fanfare as Rowan would allow; she’d tried to just let him forget about it, but he’d woken her up with a stack of pancakes and a heartbreakingly gorgeous smile. She wanted to devour both, but she settled for just the pancakes, which her child appreciated.

She was showing a fair amount now, which continued to be difficult when going to job interviews, which she’d started again now that she was eighteen and didn’t have to lie about her name. No one was looking for her now, at least not in a legal missing child sense.

Because she wasn’t a child anymore.

Aelin had let the dye wash out of her hair, and it was now kind of a pinkish blonde, while the rest of the red faded away. She said she looked like watered down Pepto Bismol, Rowan said she looked like a warm summer sunset. But he was always too sweet to her.

He’d been doing well at his job, though he was still continuing his education to eventually try and break into the corporate world there in downtown Rifthold. His original plans of going to college had been derailed by moving in with his uncle, he’d explained to her, but he was making up for it now.

He earned a good wage, but Aelin wanted to contribute, needed to contribute, so she was trying her hand at the job field again.

She had an interview coming up that day, for a small, locally-owned bookstore. Aelin was prepared to grovel, using her love of books and her good grades as reasons to hire her. Maybe she could prey upon their emotions too, a heartfelt reason sitting right on her stomach as evidence to anyone with eyes.

She kept a hand on it through her “professional” thrifted blouse, walking down the sidewalk to the corner of 6th ave and 18th street, where the bookstore was. Aelin hadn’t had the pleasure of being a patron there before, though it seemed like a place she’d love, with cozy chairs and warm wood shelves overflowing with books. She couldn’t deny that she was a bit nervous for this interview, as the last one hadn’t gone too well.

Just like last time she’d fruitlessly been job hunting, she’d been forced to listen to the same spiel about how it was difficult to hire someone who was pregnant, because of the setbacks she’d have as an employee. This man had deigned to tell her about the setbacks she’d have in life as well, which just made her more determined to prove them all wrong.

Aelin had gone home to Rowan after that one spitting mad, and he’d calmed her down, joking about having to reign in the beast. She half wanted to scowl at him and half wanted to kiss him for the joke, though she always wanted to kiss him so she didn’t know if that was the proper reaction.

Despite the time they’d been living together, and the obvious feelings on both ends, neither of them had made a move. So overall, with all the time they’d known each other, their kiss count was a solid one. Which was completely unacceptable. But she knew there were lingering things that hadn’t gotten closure, mainly on her end, and Rowan was waiting until she was ready.

He knew her so well, and she loved him for it. Shit, she loved him. She’d never uttered the words before, hadn’t recognized the feeling, but it was true.

There were two people in the world she loved, and both of them were with her in that tiny apartment.

Aelin smiled faintly as she opened the door of the bookstore, a bell ringing to signal her entrance, and a sweet looking older lady behind the desk smiled at her.

“Hello,” she said cheerfully, “how can I help you today? Just browsing or looking for something specific?” Aelin shook her head, walking closer to the desk.

“I’m actually here for the open interview,” she amended, making sure to smile, “My name is Aelin Galathynius.” She felt a momentary flicker of worry that the lady would recognize the name from her missing person’s case a few months back, but no recognition passed through her face. “I saw the sign on your door the other day and I wanted to put myself into consideration.”

“Oh how lovely!” The woman clapped her hands once, pushing herself up to a stand. “My name is Philippa,” she continued, leaning forward to shake Aelin’s hand. “I’ll be conducting your interview today.” She waggled her brows, gesturing to a cozy sitting area by the front window. “If you want to take a seat; do you have a copy of your resume with you?”

Aelin pulled one out of the cross body bag she had, handing it to Philippa. It was made and printed from the library computers, but it did the job.

Her blouse was loose, which covered the bump when standing, but when she sat down, it flattened against her stomach, showcasing everything that had been hidden. But Philippa hadn’t noticed yet, reading over her resume.

“Ooh, you went through the Adarlan Virtual School program?” Philippa asked. “My granddaughter used to take classes through them over the summer semester.”

“Yes,” Aelin answered, “It was more compatible with my circumstances at the time.” An understatement. Arobynn didn’t like letting her leave the house too often, so it was easier to not fight him and just do school virtually.

“Your circumstances?” Philippa questioned, prying a little bit as she still looked over the paper, and Aelin steeled herself to answer.

“Foster care,” she said, her voice a little sad.

“Ah,” Philippa said kindly, “I see.” She finally looked up, eyes going wide at Aelin’s stomach. “I see.”

Aelin nervously smoothed a hand over her bump, trying to gauge what the woman’s reaction was. Philippa seemed to sense the hesitation and smiled warmly.

“Don’t worry dear,” she said, “I had my daughter at seventeen. Of course, she’s all grown up now with her own kids, but I still remember how it felt.” She leaned forward in the chair, her voice turning a bit more serious. “It feels like everyone’s rooting for you to fail, like the world wants to see you knocked down.” Philippa grabbed her hand and squeezed it. “But believe me, it can only raise you up.”

She smiled and squeezed her hand again before leaning back. Aelin’s chest filled with warmth.

“Now, tell me a bit more about yourself, Aelin.”

--------

Aelin was floating on air as she walked back, her smile too wide for her face. She couldn’t wait to tell Rowan.

She had a job. She had a fucking job. She couldn’t believe it.

She felt like she could fly, she felt like she could jump into the air and soar through the sky, that’s how good she felt. The pavement felt like nothing under her feet as she practically skipped down the street, hurrying back to their apartment.

Nothing could stop her, nothing could ruin her good mood right now, she felt like punching the air. If this was a movie, she’d have an upbeat song playing in the background, something she could dance to in triumph as she raced home.

The sun was bursting from her godsdamned chest as she ran up the steps to their apartment’s door, being careful while also hurrying to tell him the good news.

Except, when she unlocked the door and walked inside, she found him sitting at the kitchen table, his head in his hands. Her smile faded.

“Hey Fireheart,” Rowan said sadly when he saw her there. A sense of foreboding took over. “Can you come sit down?”

Aelin shuffled forward, stiffly taking the seat next to him.

“What’s wrong, Rowan?” She asked quietly. “You’re scaring me.” He sighed and took her hand.

“You know how you told me about Sam?” He asked softly, and she nodded, her jaw clenched. Nerves ran through her whole body, sparking in her veins and making her jumpy. “Well I’ve been looking for him.” Her eyes went wide. “Arobynn had him sent to another house after, everything, but I traced where he went.”

Her voice shook as she said, “And?” He squeezed her hand, looking regretful as he answered.

“I’m so sorry, love, but there was a car accident.” He took a deep breath, while she felt like she couldn’t breathe at all. “Sam didn’t make it.”

Her good mood was completely gone as she took in the words. Her heart was stuck in her throat.

“He’s gone?” She managed to croak out. If she wasn’t sitting down, she’d be falling to the ground right now, her knees unsteady. Even if she didn’t care about Sam romantically, this was still a - a huge blow. He was still her friend, her first time, the father of her child.

“Yes,” Rowan confirmed, his eyes so sad. “I’m so sorry you had to find out like this, but it didn’t feel right to keep it from you.”

Aelin furrowed her brows, staring at the table as her hand drifted to her stomach. “No, I - would want to hear it from you.” Her hands shook. “I just… don’t know what to say.” Her voice was tight, tears forming a lump. “Somehow, I knew I wouldn’t see him again, but it still - hurts, you know? Even if I didn’t love him.”

He squeezed her hand. “You still cared about him, he’s still the father of your child.” He was just repeating the words she’d told herself, but it felt more convincing coming from him. “You have every right in the world to be sad.”

“You’re right,” she said weakly, wiping her eyes. “I just don’t know how to process this.” She laughed wetly, cynically, without any humor. She shuddered, letting go of Rowan’s hand to bury her face in both of them, her elbows on the table.

His hand settled on her back, rubbing it lightly. “I’ll be here while you figure it out.” A hot tear slipped out of her eye, and she leaned over until her forehead was against his shoulder, her tears silent as she took comfort in his presence.

They sat in silence for a moment, until she sniffed, wiping her eyes.

“I got a job today,” she said quietly. “At the bookstore on 16th. The lady interviewed me and unofficially offered me the job on the spot.” Rowan pressed a soft kiss to her hair.

“That’s great, Aelin,” he said gently, “I’m so godsdamned proud of you.” The emotion in his voice made more tears spill down his face, and she buried herself in him and let herself cry.

———

Five months along and Aelin still hadn’t felt her baby kick. It wasn’t something she worried about constantly, but it was a needle in the back of her mind. She’d gotten a check up at the pregnancy resource center near her, utilizing their free resources just to make sure everything was okay. And everything was; she just needed to be patient.

Which wasn’t her strong suit.

She rested her hand on her stomach as she walked through the bookstore, returning a book someone had moved back to a shelf. The store was quiet that morning, but the outside street was bustling, people hurrying to work or to wherever else they needed to go on a Wednesday morning.

Aelin just observed through the windows, in her own little bubble of peace.

She’d been working here for about a month now, and it brought a small smile to her face every time she thought about it. She had a job, she was making money and being successful on her own. Well, almost on her own. But Rowan was a benefit, not a burden.

Things had slowly but surely grown even more comfortable between them. Ever since the devastating news about Sam, there’d been more of that sense of closure as awful as it was to say. She missed him of course, but there was no longer that lingering guilt of not knowing where he was, of not having him be a part of their child’s life. Sam was gone, had been gone for a while.

It was just her left to raise their kid. Well, her and Rowan.

Rowan had taken to the paternal role like a moth to a flame, and was fussing more than ever. They’d shared a bed ever since that first night, even if it was technically still platonic, and every night and every day she fell a little bit more in love with him.

She just had to figure out when the best time to tell him was.

Aelin resumed her post at the front desk, flipping through a book of her own, when she glanced up, her face blanching. The glimpse of red made her wheel around in her chair, hiding her face from view just in case he decided to look inside the store. Her whole body was on edge, her nerves lit up on fire in pure panic.

But when she surreptitiously glanced back out, she realized it wasn’t Arobynn, not even close. It was some random young woman, just making her way down the street, her red hair swishing behind her.

Aelin’s stomach dropped, her eyes squeezing shut as she tried to calm herself down. She shouldn’t be reacting like that still, her first instinct shouldn’t be to freak out. A tired sigh escaped her, the adrenaline still racing through her worn out body as she rested her forehead on the book, her hands resting on her stomach.

Just then, she felt a little flutter against one of her hands, almost like butterflies in her stomach. But she knew what it was. Her baby.

Her face cracked into a smile, a bright, broad one that was as happy and charming as could be.

“Hi there,” she whispered, “it’s nice to finally feel you.” Aelin rubbed her hand gently over her bump. “I haven’t talked to you a lot, and I don’t really know why. Maybe because it didn’t really feel real? But it does now,” she laughed wetly, tears pricking at her eyes. “You’re here, you’re really here.”

She wiped her face. “I just want you to know that you’re worth it, you’re worth all of this.” She sniffed. “I can’t wait to meet you.”

The door jingled, and she glanced up, wiping her eyes, but smiled when she saw Rowan.

“Hey, Fireheart,” he said, walking over and leaning on the desk. “What’s got you so smiley?”

Aelin chuckled, grabbing his hand and reaching it to rest against her stomach. Just then, her baby kicked again, and Rowan let out a noise of surprise.

His own face spread into an expression of wonder, and his eyes filled with tears too.

“Gods,” he let out, “they’re really there.” Aelin nodded, beaming at him. He leaned forward, and they rested their foreheads together, both breathing in each other’s giddy air as they basked in the moment together.

Five months of pregnancy, three months of him, and a lifetime ahead of all of them.

-------

Her bright mood was shattered that afternoon when a customer walked in, a middle aged woman seemingly on her lunch break from some sort of corporate job, if the sleek pantsuit and brushed to perfection hair were any indication.

“Hi, can I help you with anything?” Aelin asked with a smile, setting down her book, and the woman smiled back.

“Yes actually,” she said, her heels clicking as she walked over closer to the desk. “My friend at the office recommended a book to me, and I thought I’d try it out.”

“What book is it?” Aelin asked, typing on the computer. “I can check to see if we have it in stock.” The woman named the book and Aelin pulled it up on the screen. They did have it in stock.

So she pushed her chair back, standing up to make her way over to the shelf it would be on.

“Oh!” The woman said, her hand on her chest. “Sorry, I wasn’t expecting that.” Aelin’s smile faded, knowing what she was referring to.

“What, me being pregnant?” She asked, tilting her head and feigning innocence. The woman stood her ground.

“Yes, you just look so young,” she added, and Aelin replied.

“I’m eighteen.” She made it to the shelf, keeping an eye on the woman as she searched for the book.

“What about college?” The woman’s immaculate brows were furrowed, and Aelin’s jaw clenched. “How is that ever going to work?” Aelin slid the book off of the shelf.

“I’m not sure what you mean,” she replied carefully, purposefully placing one hand on her bump as she walked back to the counter. The woman followed.

“I mean, how will you make it through a college with such a big burden?” She looked legitimately confused, but that didn’t soothe Aelin’s frustration.

“Maybe college isn’t in my plans,” she said cooly, scanning the book. The woman took her wallet out, not deterred at all by her tone.

“So you’re throwing away your potential?” She asked, and Aelin didn’t know if she was attempting to help, but it was just making everything worse. “What do you want to do, work here the rest of your life? With a bushel of kids and no career?”

Aelin snatched her card from her, swiping it and tapping on the screen. “Maybe what I want is to not have my choices judged by someone who isn’t living my life.” She bagged the book aggressively, sliding it back across the counter. “And who says I can’t go to college with a kid? I think it’s rather shortsighted to think that there’s only one way to do things, and rather offensive that you think I’m incapable of it.” She snapped the words, and over exaggerated a smile.

“Have a nice day, ma’am,” Aelin added, “I hope you enjoy your book.”

The woman looked affronted, her eyebrows nearly up to her perfectly groomed hair, but she took the bag and turned without another word. The moment the bell chimed and the door shut behind her, Aelin sagged. She fell back into her seat with a sigh, her eyes squeezing shut.

College.

The idea ran through her mind, bouncing off of old ideas she’d had of what her life would be like. She never really intended to go to college, and she certainly wasn’t going to just because of what that old bat had said, but she wondered what it’d be like. What it would mean for her.

She’d talk to Rowan about it. He’d know how to sort out the mix of things inside of her head.

The thought swirled in her mind the rest of her shift, until she was packing up her bag, switching with another girl Philippa had hired. She was so focused on it she didn’t even notice the walk home, though she kept an eye out for any red hair. But that was almost subconscious, she didn’t need to pay attention for that.

Rowan only had a half day at work that day, he was working on schoolwork the rest of the afternoon and evening, so when she got back to their apartment, he was there, sitting on the couch with his laptop out and his silvery brows furrowed.

“Hey,” Aelin said with a smile, tossing her bag down on the table as she entered the living room. She leaned against the entryway, a hand on her stomach. It seemed that once her baby had started kicking, it wasn’t going to stop.

“Hey, love,” Rowan said, typing up a storm before he managed to pry his eyes away, shooting a smile at her. “How was work?” Her smile faded, and he noticed. “Everything okay?” She nodded, pushing off the wall to come sit by him. He set aside his laptop.

“I’ve just been thinking,” Aelin said carefully, watching his handsome face furrow into worry. “About college.” His face relaxed, returning to a soft smile.

“You want to go to college?” Rowan asked, turning to face her more. She shrugged.

“I’m not sure, but it’s been on my mind.” She chewed on her lip. “It’s never been an expectation of mine, I always had in my head that I wasn’t the type of person to go to college. But then I realized, why? Why am I not the type? Who decides that and what does that even mean?” Her voice fell back down. “I just - have been thinking.”

“Well,” Rowan said, grabbing her hand to gently play with her fingers. “What do you want out of life? Where do you picture yourself in five, ten, twenty years?”

It was her turn to furrow her brows. “I’m not sure,” she said honestly, “I’ve never thought that far.” She chewed on her lip.

“Well, wrack your brain,” he said with a light smile, “I know you can accomplish whatever you put your mind to, but what do you want to do?”

Aelin considered the question, a hand on her stomach. What did she want to do? What kind of impact did she want to have on the world? Flashes of drunken shouting, uncomfortable possessive touches, that sinking feeling of hopelessness, all flashed through her mind. And she knew. She didn't want anyone to have to go through what she did.

“Social work,” she found herself saying, “I think I want to be a social worker.” She looked at Rowan, who was smiling softly at her, with a flicker of pride in his face. “You were there, Rowan. You know that something a lot worse could’ve happened to me, and there was nobody who would’ve done anything to stop it.” She lifted her chin. “I want to be that person, I want to make sure nobody’s in a situation like I was ever again.”

Now that she’d had the idea, her brain was running with it. She sat up straighter. “I can apply for Rifthold University when the fall rolls around, and I can take classes there while still working so I’m still making money. And I got good grades in high school, so maybe I’ll get a scholarship too, which would make my life easier.” A smile grew on her face, excitement flowing through her veins. “I’m a year late, but who the fuck cares?”

“No one should give a fuck,” Rowan confirmed, “if they do, they’ll have to go through me.”

“Okay, macho man,” she laughed, but her smile was too big for her face. This… felt right. Her laugh settled and she was left staring at his green eyes, meeting his soft expression with one of her own.

His eyes flicked to her lips, and her breath hitched. The one kiss they’d shared, right before he’d left, had never left her mind, but she knew this one would beat that one by tenfold. She leaned in a little, and he did too, like they were gravitating toward each other. He was going to kiss her, he was going to kiss her.

But right when their lips were about to meet, his phone rang, and they both jerked back, heat staining her cheeks. Rowan cleared his throat, reaching for the phone, and she leaned back against the couch, her hand drifting to her lips.

“Fuck this,” he said, throwing his phone to the side. She barely had time to process what was happening as he grabbed her cheeks and pulled her face to his, catching her lips in a searing kiss.

She moaned into it, her lips immediately opening for him as he swept his tongue in, devouring her like he’d been waiting too long for this. Aelin melted into him, clutching his shoulders and crushing their bodies together.

He reciprocated immediately, moving one hand to the back of her head to pull her even closer.

Eventually they had to pull back, panting for air as they slowly met the other’s eyes.

“I love you,” she whispered first, seeing his face break into a beautiful smile.

“I love you too, to whatever end,” he said quietly, the words richer than any jewel anyone could ever own.

“To whatever end.”

---------

Pain. So much pain it was almost unbearable flooded her whole body as she yelled through gritted teeth, squeezing Rowan’s hand so hard she was pretty sure she was going to break something.

“Okay, that’s it, Aelin,” Dr. Yrene consoled her, “Just a few more pushes, okay?”

Aelin nodded, her sweat soaked hair stuck to her face as she breathed through the slight reprieve, knowing it was going to soon come to an end. Rowan smoothed some of it back, pressing a quick kiss to her temple right as another wave of contractions took over.

“Okay, now push!” Yrene commanded, and she followed suit, using every muscle in her body to push her godsdamned baby out of her. A scream ripped out of her, white creeping into her vision. She threw all of her energy into it, panting at the never ending pressure.

“I can’t do this, I can’t do this,” she repeated deliriously, shaking her head.

“Yes you can, Fireheart,” Rowan promised, squeezing her hand, “You’ve done so well already, just a little bit longer, alright?” She sobbed but nodded, dropping her head into the hand he brushed across her cheek.

And when the next wave came, she breathed deeply and gave everything she could, her head getting thrown back as she kept. Pushing.

Eternity passed, and then… a baby’s cry.

Aelin panted, but opened her eyes slowly, her vision hazy as she came out of that delirium of pain.

“Congratulations, Aelin,” Dr. Yrene said warmly, carrying her baby in her arms. “You have a beautiful baby girl.” A nurse helped Aelin unbutton her hospital gown, and then her baby was placed against her bare chest, the little girl still crying.

“Oh,” Aelin said softly, “hello, you precious darling.” The newborn quickly quieted down, blinking and cracking open her tiny eyes. They were warm, brown eyes, Sam’s eyes.

Aelin blinked back tears, looking over at Rowan, who had tears in his eyes too. “She’s perfect,” he said, and she smiled, gesturing to him to come sit next to her. And he did, climbing up carefully and peering down at the child.

“Hello, sweetheart,” She said quietly, “I’m your mom, and this is your dad right here.” Because in all senses of the word besides biological, he was. Their daughter blinked, looking up with wide eyes at the both of them. “We’re so beyond thrilled to meet you.” Aelin traced her cheek with a finger. The little girl yawned, waving her little arms and legs. She had a small tuft of blonde hair, so light it was almost invisible.

Rowan pressed kisses to her temple, her cheekbone, her cheek, and Aelin leaned into him, completely enraptured by their daughter.

It was worth it, everything was worth it for this wonderful little miracle right here. All the pain, all the struggle, all of the judgment, it was worth it.

And Aelin didn’t regret a single thing, because it all led here. To where she could be staring down, and have a little bundle of joy staring back.

-------

Four Years Later

Aelin hunted through the crowd, her eyes darting between crowds of people as she searched for her people. Her cap was in her hand, her other hand lifting up her gown to keep from tripping on it, and to keep it from dragging against the grass.

The ceremony had been outside, which would’ve been horrendous in Adarlan summer, if not for the cold front that had come through the night before, leaving the weather cool in the morning hour.

She got briefly held up when a girl from one of her classes stopped her to say hi, introducing her parents, but after quick small talk, Aelin managed to extricate herself, continuing her search.

It only took her about a minute longer to find who she was looking for, and her face broke into a bright grin.

“Mama!” Her daughter cried out from atop Rowan’s shoulders, and Aelin hurried over to them, practically running through the crowd.

Rowan was smiling too, shifting to take Eloise off of him just in time for Aelin to jump at him, hearing an “oof” as he caught her.

“Well hello Ms. Valedictorian,” he teased, dropping a quick but heated kiss on her lips before letting her slide back to the ground. Aelin pressed one more kiss to his mouth before turning and crouching to hug their daughter.

“Hello, sweet girl,” she said warmly, “did you enjoy my speech?” Eloise was practically bouncing up and down, her smile too big for her face.

“You said my name!” She said, all excited, and Aelin had to laugh.

“Yes I did.” She booped her nose before standing up, hefting her daughter up to hold her in her arms. “That was the most important part of the whole thing.” She shared a soft smile with Rowan.

Aelin had taken a long time to craft the perfect speech, almost too long. And yeah, she mentioned the trivial stuff, like “look how far we’ve come” and “we’ve finally made it”, and she even took the chance to brag a little bit, tactfully mentioning the Master’s program she’d gotten into for social work and the prestigious internship she’d been offered, but talking about her daughter had been the most crucial part.

Because without Eloise, Aelin wasn’t sure she’d be standing here today. She wasn’t sure anything would’ve pushed her to reach her potential, wasn’t sure that anything would’ve been important enough to her to push her to make her life better. Because being successful for herself was one thing, being successful for her daughter was completely different. And infinitely more important.

She kissed Eloise’s forehead, unable to contain the giant smile on her own face. Rowan slid an arm around her waist, hugging them both.

She’d made it, they’d made it, a lot farther than Aelin had ever imagined. It hadn’t been easy, but she hadn’t expected it to be. And not being easy didn’t mean it wasn’t right.

And being here, with her family, family she’d been searching for her entire life, she wouldn’t change a godsdamned thing.

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cloudywriter · 2 years

Note

OH MY GOD ITS CUTE 😭

Uma fic leve angústia e Muito fofa de feysand no nosso mundo eles são casados Feyre acaba parando no hospital nada grave não sei um acidente ou passando mal talvez ai eles descobrem que ela está grávida e Rhys sendo uma mãe galinha e claro😂. Por favor????????

Hola mi amigo! Muchas gracias!! Hello friend! Thanks for sending this in! I speak Spanish so I understood part of this, and google helped with the rest haha. This is Portuguese right? Lets hope this aligns with what you wanted <3

Content Warnings: slight angst

Feysand, word count~3k

my master lists can be found here

...

When it Snows

Winter had a way of sneaking up on Feyre. One day the sun would be shining happily over the mountains and the next clouds would be consuming the sky while delivering a heavy blanket of snow. Today was no different.

She rolled out of bed slowly. It had been a late night spent tangled with her husband. Thankfully, it was Saturday and she could relax all day. She hadn't been feeling good for a while now and she could blame that on winter. Sometimes she really hated this time of year.

As she stretched her arms over head, Feyre glanced to Rhys' side of the bed, but her husband was nowhere in sight. Feyre frowned and grabbed her robe from where it lay on the chest at the foot of the bed.

She glanced out the window to a view of fresh snow all over the yard, the houses, the streets. It was going to a beautiful, albeit chilly, day.

She heard the sound of clinking dishes and could hear the subtle hum of the coffee maker coming from downstairs. It was barely eight in the morning, what was Rhys doing up so early?

"Hey," she greeted as she entered the kitchen. "What are you--"

She cut herself off seeing Rhys buttering a piece of toast, dressed in his suit.

Rhys looked up, a guilty smile on his face. "Hey."

"You can't be serious." Feyre crossed her arms and stared. "You've been working every weekend for the past two months."

"I know," Rhys sighed and set the half-buttered toast on the counter. He brushed his hands off on a dish towel so he could go to her side and pull her into an embrace.

Feyre frowned up at him determined not to be as forgiving as she had been in the past.

"You said you would talk to her," Feyre said.

Rhysands boss, Amarantha, had been pushing the entire marketing team at the company more and more over the past few months. It had started with later hours during the weekdays before continuing on to weekends. It had gotten to the point where Feyre didn't feel like she even had a husband.

She tried to be understanding, really, she did. Rhys loved his work and was good at it. But under the rule of Amarantha it seemed like he was under a regime more of less than actually doing something he enjoyed. And she’d seen the toll it had been taking on him especially recently.

"I'll talk to her today," Rhys promised and kissed Feyre on the forehead. "But it's the holidays you know how it is."

Rolling her eyes, Feyre pulled away from Rhys. She went to the cupboards trying to decide on what to eat. Oatmeal? Bleh. Cereal? Ech. Yogurt and banana? Maybe she wasn't hungry.

"Mor was going to do those pictures for us," Feyre said, turning back to him.

His cousin, and her best friend, was a skilled photographer who would be doing some couples shots for them so they could send out a Christmas card that year. They would be celebrating their two-year anniversary in a week and Feyre thought it would a nice hallmark to the season.

"I'll talk to her," Rhys replied. He began pouring the freshly brewed coffee into his thermos. "We can reschedule."

Feyre shook her head and simply watched as Rhys gathered his briefcase and suit jacket.

"Rhysand.” Feyre paused, unsure what to say. It felt like they had had this argument dozens of times before but never ended up resolving anything. His work was important to him and Feyre understood that, she had her own job that took time away from him too sometimes. And yet it always felt like he was always the one leaving.

He paused and stared at her across the kitchen, raising his hands to the side. “What do you want me to do? Tell me what you want.”

Feyre froze at the tone of his words. It wasn’t often that they fought. Rare actually. And every time it happened it made her feel sick. And today wasn’t and different. She shook her head and shrugged.

“Just go,” she said, defeated. “You’re going to be late.”

“Feyre,” Rhys called after her as she left to return up to bed. “Feyre!”

He didn’t come after her, only cursed. A few moments later she heard the front door slam.

She knew she should reach for her phone and tell him to drive safe in the snow. Knew that she should tell him she loved him. But Feyre was so tired. Sighing, she crawled back into bed, robe and all, before falling into a restless sleep.

...

A very loud and very annoying buzzing woke Feyre sometime later. She had no idea what time it was just that she had been asleep for a few hours at least. Grabbing her phone, Feyre answered.

“What?” she muttered; her throat hoarse from disuse. Not to mention her upset stomach. That’s what she got for not eating anything earlier.

“Are you just getting up?” Mor shouted on the other line. It sounded like she was on the Bluetooth in her car.

“Ugh, you’re so loud,” Feyre complained. She sat up and stretched languidly.

“Rhys texted me,” Mor said.

Sighing heavily, Feyre stared across her room where a wedding portrait of her and Rhys was mounted on the wall. It was an intimate photo that Mor had taken, one of them dancing together late after everyone had left the reception. Only fairy lights lite up the hardwood dancefloor and the shadows of the high ceilings played with the image.

Feyre and Rhys stood together, so close with their hands wrapped together, foreheads touching. She had a soft smile on her lips as he gazed down at her with such tangible love that Feyre’s stomach tightened.

“I’m coming to pick you up for lunch,” Mor said. “And you can’t say no because I’m almost there. So get in the shower, no way I’m hanging out with your post sex-sweat stank.”

Mor then promptly hung up.

Well then.

Unfortunately, Feyre was used to her friend by now. She got up and hurried to shower and dress knowing that if she wasn’t ready when Mor got there, the woman would wreak havoc.

Thirty minutes later had Feyre in leggings and an oversized sweater with boots. Her hair was in a messy bun and she was free of make-up but she didn’t really care.

She carefully trapezed across the snowy walk that hadn’t been shoveled since yesterday leaving a three-inch pile up. Maybe she’d do that later, she’d shovel just to work out her frustrations.

Slipping into Mor’s sleek Lexus, Feyre sighed and settled into the heated seats.

“You look like hell,” Mor commented as she carefully pulled back into the slush filled road.

“You would too if your husband were working all the time and basically avoiding you,” Feyre said. She leaned her head back and closed her eyes. Sometimes Mor’s driving was a bit too enthusiastic.

“Thank goodness I don’t have to worry about that,” Mor said drily.

Feyre offered a weak chuckled and chanced a glance at her friend. “Speaking of which, how is Emerie?”

“She’s good,” Mor said. A slow smile crossed her pretty face. “We’re having date night tonight. She wants to cook for me.”

“Oh-la-la,” Feyre laughed. “Things are going very well between you I take it?”

Mor just rolled her eyes before growing serious. “I feel like I need to kick Rhys’ ass. Do I need to kick his ass? I’d be more than happy to.”

“I know you would and I love you for it,” Feyre said. “But no. It’s fine. I’ll talk to him when he gets home. If I don’t kick his ass first.”

Cackling, Mor turned onto one of the main roads of town. With the heavy snowfall though, the de-icing from the previous day hadn’t done much and snow plows were trying to make another round through the streets.

Typical of living in Valeris, so near the mountains, life continued. It took a true winter storm to shut anything down. So, cars still passed and plenty of shops were open and ready for business.

“How does Rita’s sound?” Mor asked as she pulled into a parking spot on main street.

“Yes,” Feyre moaned. “I haven’t had an appetite all day. I think it was the chicken Rhys made last night.”

“Come on then, we’re ordering mozzarella sticks to start,” Mor laughed.

A pile of snow greeted Feyre as she got out of the car. As much as she enjoyed winter and the nights spent with a blanket and steaming mug of tea, Feyre really hated having to walk through the snow.

She carefully navigated her way to the sidewalk.

Mor began talking animatedly about what they could do for their rescheduled photoshoot while Feyre only half listened. She knew that if she didn’t watch where she stepped, she would fall flat on her face. And then Mor would laugh at her.

“Would you hurry up?” Mor said. “I’m hungry.”

“I’m coming it’s just--” Feyre began, but her foot gave a painful twist beneath her and she went down, hard. Falling flat on her back, Feyre flung her arms out behind her to catch her as she fell.

“Oh hell,” Mor gasped coming to Feyre’s side. “Are you okay?”

“Yeah,” Feyre grumbled. “Stupid ice and--”

She hissed as she tried to put weight on her right arm. The wrist definitely didn’t feel right. Not to mention her ankle was pulsing in pain too.

“I can’t take you anywhere, can I?” Mor asked, trying to make light of the situation.

“I guess not,” Fere laughed. “But could you take me to the ER? I think I might have broken something.”

...

Rhys’ phone buzzed with an incoming text for the fifth time in as many minutes. He’d tried to ignore it but his associates were now all giving him sidelong looks. Including Amarantha.

“Are we keeping you from something Rhys?” the woman asked, giving him a glare from where she stood at the head of the conference room table.

“No,” he said, taking up his phone. “Let me just--”

He glanced at the messages.

>>Mor: Emergency >>Mor: You little asshat look at your phone >>Mor: At the hospital. >>Feyre: don’t listen to mor. >>Feyre: it’s fine

All Rhys could see however were the words emergency and hospital. He practically leapt from his seat, sending his chair screeching back.

“Rhysand,” Amarantha balked. “What are you doing?”

“I need to go,” he said already halfway to the door.

“We’re in the middle of--”

He didn’t bother to wait for her to finish before he was grabbing his keys and wallet from his office and running down ten flights of stairs to the parking garage. Mor called him just as he got in his car.

“About time you answer me,” she drawled.

“What happened?” he demanded as he got onto the maid road.

“She slipped on some ice, it was pretty hilarious actually,” Mor said, “she was so busy calling you names that she wasn’t watching where she was going and--”

“Mor!” Rhys nearly yelled into the phone.

A beat of silence. “We’re at the Valeris ER off of Mountain Pass drive. They’re doing some basic bloodwork now and then will probably do some x-rays.”

“I’ll be there in twenty minutes,” he said before ending the call.

And he was. Exactly twenty minutes later he entered the ER and made many very loud demands as to where his wife was.

When he was finally directed to one of the small rooms for ER patients, Rhys could finally relax as he saw Feyre set up in a bed. Her right foot was elevated and her right wrist was clutched close to her chest.

“Feyre,” he breathed, brushing right past Mor so he could go to his wife’s side.

“It’s fine,” she said sourly, still a bit cross with him.

Rhys didn’t care as he swept in for a kiss. She relented a chaste exchange before returning to scowling.

Mor stood from her chair. “I’m going to go order food from Rita’s and pick it up. Feed your wife Rhys, she hasn’t eaten all day.”

The blonde gave him a significant look telling him that he was in just as much trouble with her as he was Feyre.

Exhaling slowly, Rhys took Feyre’s uninjured hand in his. “What happened?”

Feyre rolled her eyes, clearly exasperated at the situation. “I slipped on some ice, and when I went to put my hand out, I must have fallen on it wrong. It’s fine, really. They’re just running their standard tests. I already had the x-ray done.”

He nodded but kept his gaze trained on their entwined hands. Had it really been just that morning that he’d left without trying to apologize or make things better? Instead, he’d simply stormed off.

Rhys pressed a kiss to the back of her hand. When he finally garnered enough courage to look at her, Rhys found that just as always, her jaw was set and she had a determined look in her eyes. But there was no mistaking the gentleness either.

His Feyre. Kind and loving and forgiving. His Feyre who put up with his behavior more than he was worthy of.

“I’m sorry,” he murmured, reaching out a hand to brush a lock of her hair back. He let his thumb linger on the soft skin of her cheek, relishing in the smooth warmth of her. “I shouldn’t have left the way I did. I should have refused to go in today.”

Feyre nodded. “Thank-you,” she whispered. “And I’m sorry too, I know it’s your job and--”

Rhys moved quickly to kiss away her words. “My job shouldn’t take me away from you. And something is going to change.”

He had no idea what that something would be or how Amarantha would take his demands for more workable hours. But he wouldn’t worry about that now. Instead, he sat in the chair next to Feyre’s bed.

It was another couple of minutes before Feyre’s doctor, Majda returned.

“Sorry about the wait Feyre,” Majda said. She stopped when she saw Rhys. “Oh this is your husband?”

“Rhysand,” he said, rising to shake the doctor’s hand. “Thank-you for taking care of her.”

“My pleasure,” the doctor smiled. She was small, with dark skin and short, curly hair. Her brown eyes were warm and kind. “If it’s alright Feyre, I got your blood work back.”

“Oh geez,” Feyre muttered. “I know I don’t eat as many vegetables as I should. Ask Rhys, he as to slip spinach into my smoothies when I’m not looking.”

“It’s true,” Rhys said. “And she usually only eats fruit if it’s smothered in chocolate.”

Majda chucked and looked over the file in her hands. “Right, well I would recommend fixing that. You’re also a little iron deficient.”

“Iron deficiency is an Archeron issue,” Feyre sighed. “Is that all? Do I get a cast for my wrist?”

“Yes, a nurse is going to get your wrist ready and a brace for your ankle.” Majda paused and looked between Rhys and Feyre, amused. “And there was one other thing.”

Rhys frowned. The doctor didn’t look like she was about to deliver terrible news, rather it was almost as though she were laughing at Rhys and Feyre.

“What is it?” Rhys asked looking between Feyre and Majda.

Majda cleared her throat and and offered a single piece of paper to Feyre. “Congratulations, Feyre. Your bloodwork also revealed that you’re pregnant.”

Rhys nearly fell out of his chair. Clearly, he hadn’t heard her properly. He gaped at Majda before turning to Feyre. His wife stared at the piece of paper in her hands confirming what Majda had just told them.

“You’re serious?” Rhys said. He ran a hand through his hair and slipped onto the hospital bed beside Feyre. Over her shoulder he could read the words perfectly. Pregnant.

“We ran the test twice, just to be sure,” Majda said. She smiled softly. “Everything is just fine. I’ll leave you and the nurse will be by in a minute.”

When the door shut behind her, Rhys had Feyre in his arms, careful of her wrist, and kissed her deeply.

They’d talked about having a family. One day. When they were settled, when work calmed down. They’d talked about it being a dream and something they would one day share together and now--

Feyre pulled away first, tears brimming in her eyes as laughed and caressed Rhys’ cheek.

“We’re having a baby,” she whispered. Hearing the words on her lips sent another jolt of excitement through Rhys and he laughed again. He was going to be a father.

“I love you,” he said, pressing another kiss to Feyre’s lips.

“I love you.” Feyre deepened the kiss, content to remain in that moment with him.

And Rhys would have gladly let them. If her if she hadn’t hissed in pain when her wrist moved.

“I’m getting the nurse,” he said, launching off of the hospital bed.

“Rhys!” Feyre said, grabbing his shirt with her good hand. “Just stay with me. It’s fine.”

Rhys looked down at her, quite literally feeling his heart expand in his chest. So he nodded and settled back down on the corner of the bed. Feyre gazed up at him with enough adoration and awe that Rhys knew in that moment he would do anything to protect his wife and baby. And he knew he would remember this moment for a very long time.

...

tags: @aelinchocolatelover // @sexy-dumpster-fire // @bamchickawowow // @ireallyshouldsleeprn // @courtofjurdan // @sassys-world // @sleeping-and-books // @superspiritfestival // @chieflemming // @julemmaes // @lysandra-ghost-leopard // @firestarsandseneschals-writes // @emikadreams // @rapunzel1523 // @booksofthemoon // @highladysith // @fangirlprincess09 // @rowaelinismyotp // @vanzetanze // @jlinez // @cassianscool // @stardelia // @my-fan-side // @sjmships // @tillyrubes10 // @acourtofsjmtrash // @hellasblessed // @rhysandswhore // @story-scribbler // @post-it-notes33 // @live-the-fangirl-life // @strangevil321 // @whythefuckdoiexist // @pastasiren // @beanco8 // @lemonade-coolattas @foreverfallingforthestars // @themoonthestarsthesuriel// @feysand-loml // @scribbled-semantics // @realbookloverproblems // @ghostlyrose2 // @swankii-art-teacher // @foughtconquered // @bri-loves-sunflowers // @captain-swan-is-endgame // @tanvee1231 // @mystic-bibliophile // @cretaceous-therapod // @thenightgodess-feyrearcheron //

123 notes · View notes

cloudywriter · 2 years

Text

i’m feeling a lot of things

Same Time Thursday Part 11

--------------------------------------------

masterlist

CW: mentions of abuse, depictions of abuse, discussions of sexual assault, mentions of drugging

~ 5k words

---------------------------------------------

They decided to elope, much to Aelin’s original chagrin. She’d always expected to get married at a temple, with hundreds of high society people there, in a poofy white gown while her parents praised her for marrying a man from such a well to do family. She would be happy of course, and dreadfully in love, so in love she didn’t care about anyone else there.

But she’d always expected there’d be at least someone else there. Instead, there was no audience to celebrate with her, there was no poofy gown, and there weren’t any parents. Arobynn was estranged from his parents, who lived thousands of miles across the ocean, and her parents - well, they weren’t exactly able to attend.

Aelin technically did have a dress, though it wasn’t the fairytale ballgown of her childhood dreams. She’d let Arobynn pick it out, and his style wasn’t quite the same as hers.

None of that really mattered though, she was just happy to be there, in a small scenic temple on the edge of Adarlan, a private jet ready to fly them to the Southern continent for a romantic honeymoon. It was a different sort of glitz and glamour, and Aelin was completely enthralled by it. Completely enthralled by him.

The ceremony itself was quick, and Aelin was left smiling after it as she realized what that meant for her. She wasn’t alone anymore, which meant everything.

His private jet loomed before them, but she wasn’t on it, wasn’t walking toward it. Instead, she was leaning against the railing overlooking the coastline. They were perched up on the cliffs that lined the pebbly beach in Adarlan, but it was no less beautiful than some of the picturesque destinations they would be at in a few hours.

She sighed happily, the sound of the ocean almost drowning out the sound of the airplane hum. She’d always liked the ocean, and the beach, though she hadn’t been to one since her family vacation more than five years ago. There was something soothing about it, something that seemed to counteract the fire in her blood that sometimes made her unbearable restless. She was at peace there, and that was a feeling she missed.

Arms slid around her stomach to hold her from behind, and she hummed, leaning back into the body behind her.

“Hello, Mrs. Hamel,” he crooned, and she smiled again, turning her head to look up at him.

“Galathynius-Hamel,” she corrected fondly, “I’m hyphenating it, remember?” Arobynn leaned down and pressed a quick kiss to her cheek.

“I already filled out the forms, hyphenating it is unnecessary.” Ice flooded her veins.

“Oh.” She knew she sounded dejected, confused, tense, but he either didn’t notice or didn’t care. “But that’s what I wanted to do,” she protested, her brows furrowed. “Why did you just decide to ignore me?” A weird feeling was crawling over her, a feeling she didn’t quite know how to describe.

No longer a Galathynius, but a Hamel instead. She should be glad to get rid of that lingering stain of her parents, glad to spite it all and dissociate herself from the people who’d wrecked her life. But it still felt like a loss. A loss he’d caused.

“You don’t need both names,” Arobynn replied, his arms tightening around her. They suddenly felt like a vice-like grip around her and her breaths quickened.

“Why didn’t I get a say in that, though?” Aelin asked, tensing and turning her face back to the ocean. She tried to push free of his arms to face him properly, but he kept his grip.

“You’re not thinking properly about it,” he said, a brow raised, “Your input is biased, and dare I say, invalid.” She bristled, and opened her mouth to respond to the insult wrapped in pretty technical terms, but he shushed her, pressing a kiss to her temple. “Come on, let’s just forget about it and go enjoy the beach, hm? You’ll forget about this in no time.”

Aelin’s brows furrowed at the phrasing of the sentence, but didn’t protest as he grabbed her hand, ignoring the warning signs in her head as he led her to the plane.

---

Her shopping bags crinkled in her arms as she maneuvered them to open the front door, smiling and beating Mullin to the chase, who tried to open it for her.

“I’m rich, yes,” she joked, “but I can still open my own doors.” Mullin smiled back, like he was laughing at the joke, but Aelin glimpsed an odd light in it that made her uncomfortable, so she just kept going into the house, letting him close the door behind her. She dropped the bags with a huff, the sound echoing through the grand foyer of her new house.

She didn’t know where Arobynn was, her husband. It was still so new the word still surprised her. Maybe he was still at the office.

Aelin had recognized his name when he finally told her that first day they met; he was in the same business as her… parents were in. Real estate. Something she didn’t have much interest in, but she’d come across his name when her parents used to talk about the business, still hanging on to the hope that she’d change her mind. She hadn’t, and now it was too late.

But real estate meant money, and money meant -

“Shopping, hm?” A familiar voice said, and she turned around, smiling. But while his voice sounded light, his face was tense, and her smile faded.

“Yeah,” Aelin said, trying to sound cheerful. “I didn’t have anything to do today, so I figured why not?” Arobynn’s face was unreadable as he stalked over to her, leaning down and snatching one of her bags off the ground.

“And what did you buy?” He asked rhetorically, taking the first item out of the bag. It was from a high end store at the Rifthold mall, they all were really, stores she’d shopped at since she was big enough to fit in them. It was a tradition she used to have with her mom, going on monthly shopping trips and spending whatever she wanted. Granted, it wasn’t with her money anymore, though she supposed it kind of was. Her inheritance had been absorbed into Arobynn’s bank account, her parents’ company now signed over to him.

She didn’t know what to do with it, and he insisted that he did, so she just let him have it. All she needed was his credit card.

He scoffed as he held out the first dress she’d bought, a dress she rather liked. It was floral and loose, made from a flowy material that made her feel like she was floating on air, perfect for the upcoming spring season. It was whimsical and light and -

“Childish,” Arobynn spit, and she flinched, “this is childish, Aelin.” He held up the dress, and she averted her eyes. “How do you expect anyone to take you seriously when you wear things like this?”

“I -”

He ignored her, dropping the bag as he picked up another one, pulling out the black dress she’d bought. It was short, and practically backless, with a halter neckline and a golden embroidered dragon climbing up alongside the hem. This one was definitely not childish, it was -

“Whorish,” he decided, “you’d look like a slut in this. Is that what you want?” He leveled a dark stare at her. Aelin blinked, her mouth turning down into a frown.

“No, but I don’t thin-”

“Who took you shopping? You can’t drive, who went with you?” Arobynn asked, snatching up the rest of the bags, and snapping his fingers at Mullin, who took them without another twisted smile, disappearing with them into another room.

“Ben did,” she answered, naming the chauffeur. “He offered to when I said I was bored.” Her hands clenched in fists unconsciously, tucked by her sides. He let out a snort of derision.

“Ben, huh,” he said, his voice dripping with condescension and anger, “well I’ll have a little chat with him.”

Aelin stared after him as he stomped away smoothly, left alone once again in the grand room.

She never saw Ben again.

—

Aelin couldn’t deny that she was a tad nervous as she walked into Arobynn’s office building, the man himself at her side. It was his company’s end of quarter cocktail party, and for the first time, Aelin got to see where he spent his days. And who he spent his days with.

She was draped in a dark red dress, professional looking but not too dowdy, edging the line of appropriate and not. He’d picked it out, ever since her shopping trip she just let him dress her. Saved herself an argument.

“Are you nervous, darling?” Arobynn asked her, picking out her thoughts with precision, and she nodded, not finding it necessary to lie. “Don’t be, if you keep your mouth shut you’ll be perfectly fine.” The words were said warmly but Aelin just felt cold.

She didn’t speak again as they walked into the lobby. It was already an upscale building, with marble and glass characterizing the space, but it was even more dressed up now, with white covered tables, soft lighting, light jazz music, and waiters carrying around drinks and appetizers.

Arobynn used the arm on her lower back to guide her, and she followed willingly, having nothing else to do, nowhere else to go. He took them up to a man she’d never seen before. He was on the shorter side, with ruddy brown hair and a plain brutish looking face.

“Tern,” Arobynn said, reaching out to shake his hand. “Nice to see you here.”

“Same to you,” Tern said, a tilted smile on his face like there was something she didn’t know. “Though this party could be a lot more fun.”

“Oh?” Her husband asked idly as he snatched a glass of champagne from a waiter. Aelin was craving one, she wanted that bubbly burst of warmth in her stomach, but she was waiting for him to say it was okay. She wasn’t legal yet after all, and while she drank plenty at home, Arobynn was odd about her drinking in public.

It was fair, as if anyone questioned her it could be bad for both of them, but it was still disappointing.

But she didn’t dare say anything about it, not when last time she ordered a drink at a restaurant, they ID'd her and he’d been visibly upset. He hadn’t let her drink at all for a week after that. It’d been utterly miserable.

“Yeah, there’s not nearly enough women here,” Tern said, chuckling like it was a joke between the two of them, and to her dismay, Arobynn laughed too. “Speaking of women, who’s this lovely lady?”

Aelin looked up, aware he was talking about her, but when she went to answer, she was cut off.

“This is Aelin Galathynius, my plus one.”

Galathynius. His plus one. Her polite smile faded, a queasy feeling replacing it. It was his turn to lie apparently.

“Galathynius, huh?” Tern asked, looking her up and down in an appraisal that made the queasy feeling grow. “Interesting, you being here at a competitor’s party.” She’d be confused if she could direct any energy toward the feeling. Did no one know she didn’t own the company anymore? “No matter though,” the man added with a twisted smile, “the more the merrier.”

She managed to nod, her lips pressed together in a thin smile, a smile that remained for a good portion of the evening. But the more people she met, the more Arobynn introduced her like that, the harder and harder it was to keep the tears at bay. She just wanted to go home.

When Arobynn saw her glistening eyes, his mouth tightened, and he used his hold on her to direct her out into a hallway, away from the party.

“What. is the issue,” he asked tensely, and she used the privacy to wipe her eyes, shaking her head.

“Nothing,” she insisted, “nothing’s wrong.” He surprised her by grabbing her arm and shoving her up against the wall. Her face paled at the show of aggression.

“Obviously something’s wrong,” he said, his teeth gritted, “otherwise you wouldn’t be standing here looking like your dog just died.”

“I just don’t understand,” she decided to admit, albeit hesitantly with the way she was pinned against the wall. Apprehension rolled through her.

“Enlighten me to your struggle then,” Arobynn replied, a dangerous light in his eyes. She clenched her jaw, lifting her chin in a show of strength, though she didn’t feel very strong now. She hadn’t felt strong in months.

“You changed my last name yet you refuse to use it,” she said, letting the words fall out of her mouth, “you also married me yet you refuse to acknowledge it to anyone. It’s like you’re ashamed of me.”

Her heart was pounding as adrenaline raced through her veins.

“And why shouldn’t I be?” He spit. “You’ve embarrassed me enough this evening.”

“Embarrassed you?!” She replied incredulously, suddenly frustrated. “I haven’t done anything but shut up and smiled, just like you asked!” She blamed that frustration for her next words. “If anything, you’re embarrassing me.”

Aelin didn’t see the slap coming, but once she did it was too late to avoid it. Stinging spread across her left cheek as her head ricocheted to the side, leaving her breathing heavily, her eyes wide. She brought her hand up hesitantly to cover the pain, looking at him slowly.

“You… hit me,” she said slowly, trying to comprehend what just happened. “You hit me.” Her words were a bit more firm. “How could you do that?” She truly didn’t understand, but there was too much yet not enough running through her head to even say anything beyond that. She was in disbelief. “Why would yo-”

“Let’s go home,” Arobynn said firmly, not looking the least bit remorseful. She hesitated, and he dragged a hand up her bare arm, in a show of soothing her. It didn’t. “Come on,” he smirked a bit, changing his tune, “I’ll make it up to you I promise.”

Aelin hesitated at that too, knowing what he meant. And she wasn’t sure that would accomplish his goal. It’d been good at first, great even, but lately, she’d felt a little less desired and a little more used.

But when he grabbed her arm and led her to the exit, she didn’t protest.

-----

Her head ached like crazy, that was the first thing she noticed as she blearily blinked her eyes open, a tired sense of terror in her veins. Lingering more than tired really, like the last vestiges of it quickly slipping into resignation. And realization.

It was Arobynn, of course it was Arobynn. There was a slight chance it could’ve been some random guy in the bar who thought she was attractive and paid the bartender to drug her, Fenrys, which she’d have words with Rowan about. But she didn’t talk to anyone besides Rowan, she didn’t even see anyone besides Rowan.

So it was him. He’d done it before even, and she admonished herself for not recognizing the feeling when it’d been happening, but it hadn’t felt the exact same way. Before, there’d been at least some preparation, she was aware of it; this time she was blindsided purely for his own amusement. Just because he could.

Her gut sank and she rolled over onto her back, staring up at the ceiling of her bedroom. She wasn’t surprised she was here, she recognized Rowan’s voice now as the one who’d called to her as she fell unconscious and he’d probably gotten her back safely. But where was -

“Elia,” she managed to say, her throat unbearably dry. Aelin pushed herself up in bed, squinting at the bright light. “Where’s Elia?”

She didn’t know who she was talking to, there was no one in her room with her, but when Rowan walked in, she knew she’d really been asking him.

And he looked absolutely wrecked.

He was still in his outfit from the night before, though it was all wrinkled, and his hair was all over the place, like he’d strung his fingers through it an infinite number of times. There were dark circles under his eyes, like he hadn’t slept all night. He probably hadn’t. But those eyes lit with relieved surprise when they landed on her.

“Oh, you’re awake,” He said, loosing a breath as he walked over to her, setting a glass of water down on her nightstand.

“Where’s my daughter, Rowan,” she asked urgently, “Emrys doesn’t watch her overnight.” He nodded, sitting hesitantly down on the edge of her bed.

“Yeah, after I got you into the car, I picked her up and took her to Elide and Lorcan’s apartment,” he answered, and her eyes widened. She opened her mouth to respond, but he cut her off, lifting his hands in supplication. “Before you murder me, know that I never would’ve left her there if I wasn’t one hundred percent confident that she’d be safe there.” She narrowed her eyes but let him talk. “I’ve known Lorcan for ages, and I trust Elide even more than him, and they’re going to take perfect care of her.” She hesitated, but met his eyes as he said, “Trust me.” And she did.

So she nodded. “Why though? Why not bring her here?” She questioned, even though she pretty much knew the answer already.

“I wasn’t sure what was wrong with you,” Rowan answered honestly, and she picked up the glass of water, draining the whole thing to soothe her fiery throat. “Well at first I didn’t know if you needed to go to the hospital or what I needed to do or if you were even going to be okay, and I couldn’t take care of her at the same time as I was figuring all of that out. I knew she’d be better there for the time being.” He looked at the clock on her nightstand. “I told them I’d come pick her up at noon, is that okay?”

That was about three hours from now, gods she’d been out for a while. She tested the idea in her head for a moment, but eventually nodded. “That’s okay, as long as you trust them.”

“I do,” he replied, “wholeheartedly.” A quiet moment passed, until she winced at a sharp pain in her head. That seemed to spur him into action, and instead of the bed, he sat in the kitchen chair conspicuously placed right by her. Idly she realized he must’ve sat there the whole time she was asleep. A strange sensation grew in her chest at the thought, rushing through her body and filling every inch of her veins and taking her breath away. She shoved it aside for later examination.

“How are you feeling?” Rowan asked, his brows furrowed, and she chuckled drily.

“Pretty shitty, I can’t lie.” She dragged a hand down her face, sliding down until she was wrapped in the covers again. “I haven’t felt this bad in a while.” He made a hum of acknowledgement, looking concerned when she tilted her head his way. “Do you know what happened to me?” She asked, almost like a test.

He sighed, leaning forward to brace his arms on his knees. “I do,” he said, clearly upset, “and I'm going to have words with Fenrys, believe me.” He huffed. “The audacity of some people, it’s absurd. Who actually thinks it’s okay to drug someone, just because they think they’re attractive?” He was on a rant now. “I will never understand, it’s just horrible and I’m sorry you’ve had to deal with that, that anyone has had to deal with that.”

Aelin stepped in then, voicing what she’d wanted to say since she woke up. “That’s all true, but it wasn’t some random guy,” she admitted, “it was Arobynn, I’m sure of it.” He froze, lifting his head slowly to look at her, horrified.

“Arobynn?” He asked, and she nodded, her jaw clenched.

“I don’t even need to think about it,” she added, “it was definitely him. I’m glad you were there,” she continued, her words vulnerable. “I’m glad there was someone I could trust to get me home safely. Otherwise… I don’t know what would’ve happened.” Their kiss flashed in her mind, kisses, and everything they still hadn’t said to each other. But they’d worry about that later.

“It was terrifying finding you on the floor like that,” he said quietly, his eyes haunted, “I - don’t think I’ll ever forget that feeling.” Aelin wanted to reach out and squeeze his hand, but she didn’t, just staring at him instead. “But I’m also glad I was there, I’m glad nothing worse happened.”

“Yeah,” she rasped, “If he’d gotten to me, that - wouldn't have been good.” An understatement.

Rowan froze, icy rage etched into his statuesque features. “Has he-” he began, searching for the words. “Did he used to-”

“Rape me?” Aelin filled in for him, her voice hollow. She fidgeted under the covers, fighting the pounding in her head as she pushed herself up to a sitting position, leaning against the headboard. She turned her head to face Rowan where he was perched on the edge of the bed, wariness overtaking his face, like he was scared of how she’d react to the question. Scared, and concerned for what that answer would be.

She sighed, dropping her head back against the wood veneer. “Depends on your definition of it.” Her voice was weak with her tiredness, her exhaustion, her flickers of trauma sparking through her nerves at the faint thought of what happened. “I wouldn’t say so at first.” She shrugged. “As repulsive as it is to think about now, I wanted it.” Maybe if she wasn’t so drained the words wouldn’t come out with such nonchalance, but she couldn’t even find the energy to care.

Not with what had happened.

“But?” Rowan asked, and she sighed again, patting the bed lightly to gesture for him to sit there fully. And he did, scooting over so their shoulders were brushing. His arm immediately went to drape over her shoulders, and the way his fingers combed through the ends of her stringy hair soothed her in a way she didn’t think was possible. It gave her the courage to keep speaking.

“But,” she continued, eyes flicking down to look at the comforter. This was the first time she’d ever uttered these words. “As things got worse and worse, well, it had never been about me to begin with. And I think maybe he started to enjoy toying with me more?”

Aelin took Rowan’s other hand with both of hers, just to have something to do with them, to mess with his fingers to vent her nervous energy.

“It got more - painful,” she admitted, looking everywhere but his face. “And he seemed to enjoy it more when I-“

“Didn’t?” Rowan supplied quietly as her words failed her and she nodded stiltedly.

In almost a whisper, she said, “that’s how I know without a doubt it was him who’d drugged me last night. He’s done that multiple times before.” He stiffened next to her. “One of his ‘experiments’ I’d complied with just to make sure he didn’t lash out at me.” Her voice got tighter and tighter, a lump stuck in her throat. “But even then, I didn’t realize - I thought I was happy because I was making him happy.”

She shook her head, her voice practically gone as she forced out, “I was so wrong.”

Rowan sighed, his arm a soothing weight on her shoulders. With his free hand, he tilted her chin gently to make her look at him. She did, albeit warily.

“Why did you want to sleep with him? Originally?” He asked, and she furrowed her brows.

“What?” She was dumbfounded. “Why would you-“

“Why did you want to sleep with him?” He repeated, and she jerked out of his hold, indignant.

“I don’t know, Rowan,” she spit, suddenly defensive, “why does one normally sleep with someone? Because they’re hot, or they’re a good kisser, or they just want to, I don't know. I regret it now, obviously, I’m disgusted, but I just wanted to then.”

“Did you?” Rowan continued, looking calm and collected in contrast to her sudden fire.

“What do you mean? Of course I did.”

“So there was nothing off at all,” Rowan spoke, and she tried to stutter for an answer before he continued, “it was that straightforward. There was no underlying feeling of coercion, no part of you that felt like it wasn’t right, or a part of you that felt like you owed him that to fulfill some sort of debt you thought you had?”

“He…” she trailed off, trying to orient her memories.

“Where were you the first time?” He asked. “When was it?”

“The cabin he bought up in the mountains,” she answered, feeling small at the thought. She wanted to sink into the mattress. “He told me we were going on a vacation the same hour that we left. And then we… and he proposed too.”

Rowan’s mouth tightened. “So he surprised you with this trip, isolated you, after spoiling you with a bunch of clothes and other stuff you said,” she nodded to confirm, “and then he slept with you, full well knowing you were barely legal and had just gone through a major trauma. And then proposed to make sure you’d only ever be turning to him. And you’re sure there was an equal balance of power there? You’re sure that in the beginning it was okay?”

Aelin blinked. And then blinked again. “Oh.”

Her chest felt too tight. Rowan was waiting, waiting for her to speak, so she did. “I guess I - knew that?” She tried to explain, “maybe? Somewhere I did. I knew it wasn’t right, I knew I was too young, but I just am struggling to grasp that my memory could be lying to me. That I’m lying to myself.” She blinked rapidly, her voice as tight as her lungs. “It was always assault.” The words tasted bitter.

“Am I supposed to feel like this, Rowan?” She asked, looking at him and his eyes that held infinite sorrow. Not pity, sorrow. And anger. “Am I supposed to feel like I’m being eaten from the inside out by this creature stitched together with my stupidity, my suffering,” she shook her head, her lips trembling, “and my shame.”

Rowan wrapped her in his arms quickly, squeezing her tight and letting her shudder into his chest. “I’m falling apart,” she whispered into his shirt, “I’m falling apart but I can’t because I have Elia. And I can’t because being in pieces would mean I crawl back to him to fix me, when he was the one who shattered me first.”

He pressed kisses to her neck, to her jaw, to her face. Not languid ones, quick desperate ones, like he was trying to put her back together with just his lips. But still, she didn’t cry.

She just clutched his shirt, trying to keep afloat, blaming her addled state for the words she let leave her mouth. “He’s been here the whole time,” she admitted, feeling Rowan tense.

“What?”

“He left me that note,” she said, not daring to look, “he keeps texting me, he never stops, he sends me pictures of me, harasses me,” she shook her head, growing frantic, “he hacked my bank account, gave me money and paid my rent but didn’t let me buy groceries one time, and now this. I’m just so scared of what he’s going to do, I’m scared of what he’s thinking, I’m scared of him.” The words were an admittance, something she hadn’t said out loud. “I’m scared of him, and I don’t know what to do.”

Aelin pulled back a bit, a wave of dizziness hitting her. She felt like she’d been hit by a truck. Rowan was silent as she leaned back against the pillows, his face twisted into one of anger, more anger than she’d ever seen from him. Logically, she knew he wasn’t mad at her. Right?

Was he mad she’d lied to him? Mad she hadn’t trusted him? Hadn’t told him when his safety was possibly in jeopardy? He should be mad. It would only be what she deserved.

It was those thoughts circling her head that made her do what she did. Those thoughts controlled her movements to the point where when he leaned over, getting closer to her … she flinched.

She fucking flinched.

It was like all the air was sucked out of the room, Rowan’s eyes wide and her own frozen.

“I was just fixing your blankets,” he said quietly, lifting his hands up. She looked down slowly, seeing her comforter all twisted, half falling off the bed. “That’s all.”

A noise close to a sob escaped her, her throat tightening until her eyes began to water. And for the first time in years, she cried.

Tears streamed down her face as she sobbed, simultaneously feeling like her soul was breaking apart and also being freed at the same time. Rowan responded faster than she could blink, wrapping his arms around her and pulling her close. Aelin buried her head in his chest, his dress shirt getting wet as she spilled out every single emotion she’d buried deep inside.

“Why did he treat me like that, Rowan?” She asked through her tears. “What did I do to deserve it?”

One hand was looped around her back, and the other landed on her head, smoothing back her hair. “No, don’t think like that,” he insisted, “you didn’t do anything to deserve that, there’s no way you could even deserve that.” He sounded close to tears himself. “He’s just cruel, and heartless, and a sorry excuse for a human being, and he took that out on you.”

“But why?” She whispered, squeezing her eyes shut. “Why me? Why did he have to break me?” He combed through her hair, almost like a massage, and she sighed. “He took everything that was still normal about me after the crash and wrecked that too, and now I’m just left with nothing.”

“You have Elia,” Rowan reminded, “and you’ll always have me.”

Her eyes were swelling with the force of her tears, but she didn’t care as she looked up at him. She lifted a shaky hand to his cheek and moved closer to press one soft kiss to his lips. He let out a shuddering sigh, their eyebrows touching as they breathed the same air.

“You’ll always have me too,” Aelin said quietly. “To whatever end.”

“To whatever end,” he agreed, and that was all she needed to hear.

---------------------------------------------

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