christmaszombies

[christmaszombies]

#my friend and I in the car making up Taylor Swift lyrics #I’m at the bus stop and he’s in the car he has blue eyes and he’s going to make me a star star star 🌟

[christmaszombies]

I can’t believe it’s only been 3 weeks since I’ve been in agonising pain it feels like a lifetime. I’ve never felt pain like this before it’s like electric shocks going through my pelvis, my bones being crunched together inside me, my bladder being stabbed, my back being pummelled and a firework stuck up my vagina. It just keeps getting worse!!!! I cannot function I tried to go home to my flat but how am I supposed to keep the place tidy and do chores and make food and go shopping etc etc when I’m feeling like I’m actually about to die. I had to move my laparoscopy to July because everything is falling apart around me and I can’t afford to have to recover from surgery but if this goes on much longer I’m just going to have to because I’m this close to ending up at A&E. I hate this. I HATE IT I HATE IT I HATE IT. I have PLANS before July. I have a trip down to Sheffield! I have to finish my acting course and perform a duo log! My parents and gran need me healthy to help them with all the stuff that’s happening with them! I have to move out of my flat! I need to look for a new job! I can’t even work because sitting at my desk has me in tears I can’t sit or concentrate the pain is just too intense. And I’m going to end up hooked on codeine because it’s the only thing so far that touches it. I don’t want this I don’t want ittrtttndjdgdjfhdjd

#why why why did I get that stupid transvaginal ultrasound #and why is it always me?! #only a simple procedure that lasted 10 minutes could cause me this much fucking pain and misery #it’s either endometriosis or they’ve hit a nerve inside of me or something I don’t know I don’t knowweewwbdjdjdj

[christmaszombies]

If people were too mean to you when you were growing up, a newborn animal will materialize inside your brain and it’s so so scared and shivering and it will stay there for years. Decades, even. And whenever you say something kind of weird but true to your heart the animal will tell you “Noo! You can’t say that! If you say that, everyone will hate you!”. The animal means well. It’s so so small and everything is so scary for them and it’s just trying to protect you. But listen to me. Listen to me. Whenever this happens, you can’t do what the animal says. You can’t. If you do, you’ll become as scared as the animal. You have to keep saying weird shit. You have to keep doing things the animal wouldn’t approve of. If you do enough things that scare the animal, maybe one day it’ll go to sleep.

[christmaszombies]

to be perfectly honest. i don't care if it is cheesy or cliched or idealistic. i like stories where the core of it is about kindness, the warmth we can offer others and the gentleness we receive in return. maybe the moral of the story IS love triumphs. it better fucking be

[christmaszombies]

[christmaszombies]

[christmaszombies]

[christmaszombies]

what's the first movie you remember seeing in theaters? don't try and be all edgy and cool and say like tetsuo: the iron man. be honest.

Go!!

#I have vivid memories of seeing Dinosaur in 2000 but I must have seen something before that

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[christmaszombies]

[christmaszombies]

[christmaszombies]

I can’t let motherfuckers know I got desires or they’ll think I suck

[christmaszombies]

trailers are nothing to me anymore like ohhh dramatic music big title card whatever. if it's worth watching then the gay people in my phone will tell me

[christmaszombies]

kinda random, but as someone who has serious existential slash depressive meltdowns more frequently than i’d like, i’ve been trying to find my way out of these thought mazes for years, and i’ve come to the conclusion that trying to combat it by going a few levels even more abstract in the philosophical meter - which is what i personally thought had to be the answer for a long time - is, in a lot of cases, counterproductive 

what i mean by that is that i’m (still slowly) beginning to realize that the only remedy for those particular types of crisis is not isolating yourself even more radically from tangible human experiences and trying to find the answer in your own head, but to fully immerse yourself in daily life as much as possible, and allow yourself to be really, truly part of the world you live in - a kind of poiesis of being, if we’re trying to be poetic, that’s about reinventing yourself with each second you remain open to the reality that is existing in the present moment. that won’t magically sort shit out for you, but i get the feeling it helps paint a different mental picture in which your thoughts can roam in, and maybe find different, new and hopefully better paths of thinking/being

having a rich inner life is possibly the most valuable part of existing as someone capable of cognizant thought, but if your brain goes at 100mph on the daily, it can reach exhaustion levels in the blink of an eye and start almost cannibalizing itself with anxiety and circular thought patterns. the beginning of it is: take a moment to stop. check out that building, the cobblestones in this street, that person selling their artwork on the sidewalk. this is the city you live in. these are the people you’re in the world with. there’s life outside of yourself

#OCD is the worst for this it’s a never ending nightmare

[christmaszombies]

[christmaszombies]

First you procrastinate on the task because it is not a big enough deal to get done urgently. Then you procrastinate on the task because it has become such a big deal that doing it is overwhelming. You would think that this implies a middle point where it is just big enough of a deal to get done easily, however the inherent perversity of the universe's causal geometry prevents this

[christmaszombies]