chasingafterserendipity

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I love Japan, I will be back soon

Sakura Alley, Shinjuku 新宿

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Such a dream to have an open air/space kitchen. I will have it in my own house someday.

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Almost is never enough

We almost made it, but we didn't. How it pains my heart to come back here having to write this after exactly a year from my immensely in love post, with a heavy heart and sighs, while my throat feels bruised from having to hold back the tears.

It sucks. It sucks when you have to say goodbye to someone you've pictured to be the man of your life, the father of your kids. It's a lot damaging to say goodbye when you both still loves each other but there is nothing we can do in our power to save it. None of us can save it. I've had endless nights, sleepless nights just thinking about it for months. I wish it didn't end the way it did. I wished so hard for us to make it till the end. It hurts my heart, -

a lot.

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I am a mess

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Poems & Words

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Just wrote a whole long essay about my little freedom, and this pops out on my feed. Had to reblog it.

Poems & Words

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A little freedom

I am longing to have more time, a little more freedom.

I am only a 26 year old, trying to make money for living while enjoying life as it is. I’ve always wanted to migrate, get a job abroad, live alone, have early mornings with yoga, make breakfast at 8am, coffee run, and the list goes on. But turned out, it’s not that simple.

Ever since my dad had stroke in 2020, my life took a turn in many good and ugly ways (drastically if i may add). The optimistic side of me would like to think that it’s a blessing in disguise meanwhile the other side of me is just plainly going crazy trying to balance everything out, trying to keep up with my own life. 

No one ever sat with me and asked “How are you?” aside from my best friend. But it’s not like i’m expecting them to, i mean if they do ask, what can they do anyway? Silly me.

Life has been quite overwhelming recently, with work, myself and family. I barely have time to relax and have time on my own. If i could be brutally honest, life sucks. 

I’m not one to speak negatively about life, never did actually. I’ve always believed that there’s so much to life and that it is too short to be spent mopping around about things that doesn’t go right. Many other things are actually going right. But i can’t seem to find one thing that’s going right at this very moment. Do i need to elaborate it? Boss isn’t happy with almost everything i do at work, I feel stagnant in my career, can’t switch jobs so easily cause i’d have to choose what kind of work i can or cannot do due to my current situation at home. I don’t watch my food intake as much. I don’t workout as much. With all that, I’m barely happy and content these days. Everything i do now doesn’t feel like it’s enough. I’m constantly criticizing myself, beating myself down like i am not worthy. Haven’t gotten to the relationship part yet and i am already feeling tight in my chest.  I just want to have control again. I want to be motivated and just be that ray of sunshine again despite all the crappy things i am going through. I tried so hard to not let myself be where i am right now in this dark hole but guess that was a mistake to think that i’ve got it all.  Everyday, i pray to the Almighty to give me strength to go on, to be better, to never give up, to never let my faith get shaken up. All i want is a little freedom to go chasing after my dreams. --- Is that too much to ask?

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Watch me as i sink, into the sea and always remember, me

Fast forward a year and three months later, here we are; Madly, deeply, truly in love

I have been meaning to write since eight months ago, to share our love story and how it was going. But i guess i was busy getting showered immensely with his love and care and everything else that you can imagine when a girl has found her prince charming.

Well, i found the mine guys! The one that makes me feel euphoric. That perfectly imperfect man whom has a balance of everything in life, the kind of guy i have been waiting for. He swept me off my feet and ever since, i have been so enthralled by the adventures and the joy he brings me. Looking at him gives me this burst of happiness and a boost in strength, to keep me going. From just thinking about him when i do random things around the house, to not being able to imagine life without him.   PS: He’s no longer going to be called Mr Grumps because he rarely shows his grumpiness whenever he’s round me thesedays. Stage unlocked!

We have been exploring places and having good food together. We still go out on weekends and have our short trips. All is well, and i wouldnt have it any other way.  -

But as all great stories, there’s always something that a couple struggles with in their relationship. Which is normal in every relationship. The struggle we have is unthinkable, something that is beyond our control. Question is, how did we manage it? Truth be told, i dont think we’re managing it well and of course it saddens me, us. I will always feel terrible to bring it up, its something that is strenuous to talk about and i can only imagine what he feels. 

My only wish is for him to be comfortable enough to speak to me about it and to allow himself to find clarity, but of course, some things arent that easy to speak about. I truly understand that. My heart feels heavy saying this, but, as much as it’s affecting him, it is affecting me too in some ways. Every single time the thought of it comes, i try my hardest to not let it affect me or exert my emotions onto him. Not entirely sure if thinking about all the amazing things he’s been doing for me is enough to get rid of all the concerning thoughts in my head. Not a single doubt about his feelings for me, but.. will this someday become the be all and end all for us? I dont want it to be, i want to forever be by his side, working through all our issues together. I want it all for him, more than it is for me. 

On top of that, lately, i have been struggling mentally to stay sane (hate to say this) and to not give up on life. It’s all like a rush of blood of the worst kind. Perhaps ill talk about it some other time, to not cramp up such bad ending to my post. 

Reminder to self; good things take time 

To end this post, i just want to say that i am the luckiest woman on Earth, to have found someone like him 🤍

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Effort

If i was asked, what are some of the things that i like about him? It would be his effort. He knows just what to do when he feels like he’s being unfair or cold to me. Of course, he’s a man he should know what to do. But in this context, although i was a little upset by the way he treated me last night, i should be the one apologizing for not respecting his space and rest time. I should’ve known better. 

But i was awoken by his apology this morning, wanting to make it up to me. How is that not sweet! But honestly, i really do feel bad about invading his space.. 

Mr Grumps asked if i wanna go out to eat and snap some pictures. Of course i said yes! Perfect time to bring our new babies out on the streets! Now, let the pictures do the talking

Had our late lunch at Luckin Kopi, Jalan Panggung (of course had to include our babies in our foodgram) - Wouldn’t say it’s great, but it’s worth a try!

That’s me.. as happy as i can be

That’s Mr Grumps lookin all cool with my baby (yet to find a name for it)

And... the rest of the outcome from our little adventure are down below (Mr Rain Rain came and interrupted our adventure time, but hey, at least we get to experience a different kind of scene!) Credits to Mr Grumps cause most of the pictures below were snapped by him. Talented man right here im telling you. While mine will have to wait for it to get developed. Teehee

To more adventures with you

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@takemyhearteverywhere

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@henrythecoloradodog

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@elensham

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@alexandrine_ar