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ceruleanh0ney · 4 months
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Sometimes the wall just breaks, and I am left with this guilt and vulnerability. I feel guilty because I am expressing emotions out loud, at an inappropriate time, and in a house that does not tolerate that kind of disrespect. I am guilty because I had a painful feeling arise from the situation or the comment or that tone or your disregard. I feel vulnerable because the wall is breaking. people are going to witness this train wreck lose her well-composed composure. Because I learned early that the world does not revolve around me. that time will not stop for me. I grew up believing that my need was being selfish. if I worried about how I feel and how I feel would make me a bad person. So now that I am older and know a little more, I haven't put myself first. I never put myself first. I am terrified of being selfish because I need healing. I hide my true colors to make sure I don't make someone as tortured as I am, as hurt as I am. I blur my words and hide my face as you are speaking to me.
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ceruleanh0ney · 4 months
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i am tired. so very tired. my desperation for silence is showing through, people are noticing. the cracks are getting too violent for others to just ignore. i dont know who i am anymore. the words you speak hare marred my face, my features are no longer recognizable to my own eyes. the tears falling burn, leaving deep scars down the path of my sockets. the tone you speak in convinces me that i am no longer wanted here. that i have stumbled upon a secret club that i am not allowed into. makes me believe i should have stayed away, kept to my own devices. never speak unless spoken to. i cry alone because who will be there to wipe the tears rolling down. why does everyone give you pity, when i get thrown out to worry about my own. i tip toe around the house hoping my very presence doesnt set you into a fit. but as i have always suspected, you are upset before i stir from slumber. what have i done? what can i change?
where can i go?
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ceruleanh0ney · 4 months
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I wish we never met, maybe then I wouldnt have to do this to you. You know I love you, right? I am just so tired. My body is wearing down, failing to cooperate. I have been fighting for decades. Fighting to wake up next to you everyday, fighting to see you another day. I can hear you crying to me. I can hear you begging me to get up. I want to react and reassure you that this is only temporary. This feeling wont last forever and I will be good as new in a few days. But I know that I would be lying and you would see right through me. I love you so much, I have too much love to give. Alas, I am running out of time. I hate seeing you hurt knowing its because of me. I warned you that I was not meant for this. But you convinced me that I was always meant to be loved, I was always meant to be yours. At least back then I was. Back then I had a lot of fight left. Now I am nothing but a shell of the person I was. I am so sorry. Please forgive me, I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you.
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ceruleanh0ney · 2 years
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All I need is you to stay by my side. I dont need your constant love, I dont need your affection. I just need you here. There is no poetic way of looking at this. I need you. please.
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ceruleanh0ney · 2 years
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Why should your love be my responsibility? Why should love hurt? What does it mean to truly love someone? What is love to you? because love to me is knowing how hard life hits me and being able to get back up because you are here with me. When I have nothing to give myself but I have everything to give you. When all I wanted was an ending and you gave me a beginning. When I went looking for a reason to stay inside, and you convinced me otherwise. I would go outside to smoke and you would tell me that smoking is damaging for my health.  The promise of quitting, and you helping me. Why did you give all that up? Did you even love me? Was my love too much or not enough? Why did you make that decision, when you knew you wouldnt be able to come back? Almost like a tattoo, permanent, but tattoos are nice in a way, they are full of color or intricate designs. What you did was permanent, but it wasnt nice or full of color or even intricate. It was cruel, and destructive. You shattered glass and left me to clean up the pieces. Now our apartment is empty, nothing has connections. Was loving me not enough for life to hit you hard and for you to not get back up? Why didn’t you love me enough to be able to rely on me. 
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ceruleanh0ney · 2 years
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do you think dracula hotboxes that coffin. I think so
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ceruleanh0ney · 3 years
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I sit in silence as I hear the door slam behind you, thinking to myself about all the times where I could push this side of you out of my mind. You are not the same person I remember, the same person I wanted you to be. You twist things, turn it around on me, isolated me. I love you too much that it makes me miserable. I know you’re hurt too, and I’m sorry you went through that, but you cannot weaponize your wounds in defense. I hurt too, you know? I break, and I bend, I bleed when you speak, bones crack when you slam the door. Time after time you leave and come back worse than you left me. Now its my turn, I must leave you where you are now. Worse in a way that cannot be helped. I hope that when you do feel shame and embarrassment it is for the way you disregarded my love and discarded me. I’m sorry, and I love you for who you were not for who you are. 
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ceruleanh0ney · 3 years
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its getting bad again and im not sure how to stop it
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ceruleanh0ney · 3 years
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i believed what you said because YOU said it. i defended you to everybody who looked down upon your existence. i poured my heart out to depict you as the person i remember first meeting, the person i liked for who they were. in the end the only thing you gave me was shame, you disappointed me. you made me look like a fucking fool and feel like an idiot. i thought you wanted this to work out because you said so. you tricked me into believing you were worth my time, my patience, and my fucking effort. you made me think i was worth the time and the effort. i thought this would be different and i dont know why. i wait and and i wait for the person that could fill the void, heal the wound, and help me grow. all i got was you, and thats just as good as nothing.
you made me feel like someone worth time and you said i was special. i felt the giddiness that i used to feel as a child just knowing you reciprocated. as the time went by i realized you didn’t really want this. you knew you were never going to put full effort into this. after that revaluation i felt stupid. i felt like i really was as naive as people say i am. you took advantage of my fleeting displays of weakness. and that hurt. a lot more than i thought it would
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ceruleanh0ney · 3 years
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I don’t care if it hurts, I want to have control. I want a perfect body, I want a perfect soul. I want you to notice, when I’m not around. 
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ceruleanh0ney · 3 years
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I have fallen in love with the sound of you. The soft chorus behind your eyes, and the calm melody that fallows in your every step. Your presence hands me a quiet harmony that gives me peace. A sense of tranquility, a feeling that I can be with you and never feel addled ever again. You are my one. The one musical note that gives me life, that gives me meaning. I hear you with everything I have left.
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ceruleanh0ney · 3 years
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beekeeper:*keeps bees*
bees:*is keep*
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ceruleanh0ney · 3 years
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the real secret to immortality? not dying. you want to be immortal? ok. easy. just don’t die. that’s it. refuse to die. there you go
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ceruleanh0ney · 3 years
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Tumblr media
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ceruleanh0ney · 3 years
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me: *says the vaguest most incoherent shit ever*
me: you know what i mean :/
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ceruleanh0ney · 3 years
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Geometry was so fuckibg stupid omfg “prove this is a triangle” I literally know it’s a triangle like intuitively bitch
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ceruleanh0ney · 3 years
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I love locking my door like…you’re not coming in lmfao
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