captbenscn

[captbenscn]

“Liv.” 

Everything stops. 

Time.

The sirens.

The people.

Her breathing.

But not her heart. No. Her heart was moving faster than anything else in this moment - beating harder than it had in years.

Caused first by seeing her face. The face of the woman married to her Partner of twelve years. The face of the woman married to the person Olivia once loved more than anything else in the world... Kathy Stabler. 

It was deja-vu seeing her in that stretcher, hurt and bloodied, taking her back thirteen years ago. But if was the fact that she was here that threw Olivia. The woman that disappeared, along with her husband, ten years ago. No call, no message, nothing. 

She was here. In New York.

And if she was here, did that mean...? Was Elliot...?

That’s when she heard his voice... 

“Elliot.”

The one word comes out breathless, having held it for what felt like several minutes and only after she was sure the image of him wouldn’t fade away this time. Not like the several other times that happened when she saw him standing before her, or in the distance, or so she thought. All which had been fake, an illusion, a trick of her mind. Be it when she was walking the streets of the city that she’d almost been everywhere with him in or in the Precinct they nearly spent every day together in.

Sometimes she’d see him at his desk or the coffee station, only for him to be gone when she blinked. Sometimes she was so sure she could hear his voice amongst the many others within the Precinct only to remind herself that he wasn’t there. That he was gone, never to be seen, or heard, again.

Or so she thought. Because in this moment, she had just been proven wrong. 

He was here. Somehow, someway, standing before her in the distance. Truth be told, Olivia was afraid to blink for fear that if she did, he’d disappear. Disappear like he did ten years ago and all the years in between, but her eyes begged for relief so she blinked once, he was still there. Blinked twice. He was still there. 

“Oh my god...” Without even thinking, she moved forward - feet taking control. Her heart taking control, needing to be closer, needing to look into his eyes and make sure this moment was happening.

Each step she takes, he remains. Each steps she takes, brings her closer to him and soon, she’s standing right in front of him. Breathing the same air, standing with little space between them just like the old days. Something that would happen without them realizing it, without them trying, and that’s what happened in this moment standing so close to him. It was her heart screaming for him, begging for this to be real, though admittedly at the same time, scared that it was real. 

Staring into his eyes in this moment, their Partnership flashes through her eyes. From the moment they met on that rainy day to their last moment in the Precinct - staring at one another from a distance, as though it were a sign of the space that was about to come between them, but now they stood closer than they had in that moment ten years ago... her heart felt as though it were about to burst from her chest, her lungs struggling to find the air it needed.  She’s suffocating within his presence, and used to, she could breathe easier...

She’s at a loss of words, but this mouth opens as though about to speak and her breath catches in her throat with anticipation, waiting for what he is about to tell her, needing him to say something first...

And when he does, her heart drops. Sinks into her stomach, into the acid within. He side steps her and moves passed her, and suddenly Olivia is feeling empty. Cold. Just like that, he’s gone. Again. But... still there. Proof that, still, it was not an illusion. Not a trick of the mind.

“Captain Benson!” 

Olivia is snapped from her daze when someone else calls for her, not the voice she wanted to hear, but the one she needs to hear. Because her focus needs to be on the victim, on the situation at hand, not on the person she’s missed and so desperately wanted to see during the ten years he was gone. 

She turns and heads back to the scene, once again standing near Elliot while the EMT fills them both in, as well as one of the Officers on site. “Get her to the hospital. I’ll follow.” Olivia nods, turning to Elliot and inhaling sharply. “She’s waiting for you, Elliot. Go.” Olivia nods to the ambulance behind him where his wife lay in the stretcher. “Go. I’ll be right there.” She assures him, this time being the first to walk away so she didn’t spend anymore time standing there than she needed to.

They needed to get Kathy to the hospital, they needed to get her help before it was too late.

She gets to her car and gives one last look to Elliot, watching as he climbs into the back of the ambulance, taking his wife’s hand. And it’s then she feels it. That twinge of jealous, of bitterness, not just because of her feelings for the man that was once her Partner, but because of the reason that he left. Or, quite possibly, part of that reason. And it’s wrong of her, she knows it, thus why sometimes she would tell herself that it was right that he left, that it was fair. For both of them, but more so for him. 

A heavy sigh falls from the Captain’s lips as she climbs into the driver’s seat, waiting for the ambulance to drive off first before she followed, sirens blaring, helping to make it difficult to think. 

“Elliot’s not coming back, Liv..” 

Words she refused to believe. Words she started to believe as the years went on and now, words that were completely wrong, but the question now was: for how long? 

The Return of the prodigal son.

@captbenscn​ 

“Liv.” He calls out, and it is soft. A whisper, a prayer, the sound of truth. A wave of disbelief crashing down on him after years of avoiding approaching the shore. In all this chaos, there’s hope. In this mess of blue and red lights, there are emotions that are slowly being dusted off by the steps echoing against the pavement. He’s not sure if she heard him, his mouth already opening to call out to her once more, but like a bolt finding it’s grooves, Olivia turns on her heels, and something clicks in the shrinking chasm that lays, that still lingers between them. He doesn’t hear her say his name, but he sees it in the shape of her lips and something in his chest breaks lose and the flood of memories, moments washes over Elliot and in a weird way makes him feel like he is finally where he is suppose to be.

Elliot looks into her eyes and it suddenly 1999 and they are standing beneath the rainy sky of New York City. ‘For better or worse’, echoing through his mind as he takes a step closer and the sun is beating down on him — her short hair swaying, folders held tight against her chest and he is stopping, realizing that there’s something new in his chest that shouldn’t be taking root.

He takes another step and the knife is against her neck, and he swear inwardly at the horrible pain that his heart is feeling at the thought of losing her. Another step and she’s gone and Elliot is forced to move on, to have another partner that could never measure up. The strings between them becomes taut, and Elliot is seeing her reclaim her desk saying: I work here. And his chest has never felt more relieved in his life.

He stops in front of her and it is 2006 and they are sitting on the steps to his house, the air of renewal swaying around them. The dark inky sky witness of all that was left unspoken, a bond that they did not dare to discover. Because he is sure things would have changed that night. If he was a little bolder, a little bit braver this moment between them would be entirely different. But nothing changed, everything remained the same and he is telling her about Kathy’s pregnancy and the disappointment in her voice is a knife to his heart.

Broken, unbound, burden by the well of emotions that had been shoved to the very basement of his self.

There were so many moments that had slowly began to surface, his mind overwhelmed, the air thick with remembrance and uncertainty. But it isn’t enough time… Not enough time to sort through twelve years of partnership. Not enough time to sort through the many moment he had wished for things that would have gotten him banned in the eyes of God. Not enough time to fully understand what it meant to have Olivia here, standing in front of him. So familiar but foreign at the same time and the ache in his chest spreads throughout his body.

He missed her, but right now wasn’t the time or the place to let her know as much. Not when the loud sound of sirens snaps him back to reality. That as quickly as he saw her, he needed to leave. “I have to go…” He muttered against his better judgement, he was being called by the paramedics. There was no more time to be wasted, Kathy stood at the edge of life and dead but here he was feeling torn about leaving Olivia’s presence once more. In that moment he made a promise to himself, that there was no way he would ever leave the same way he did a decade ago. He couldn’t, wouldn’t be strong enough to go through such a painful experience again. Elliot much rather face her anger, the scorn that she most likely held back throughout the year. The pain he cause, chained upon her heart in the hopes of one day being unbound.

#liv thinking they're still married #cause she doesn't know yet #muahahahaha #should be interesting since we've changed all that #assuming we're sticking to it xD #( Daybreak. | Main. )

[captbenscn]

“I don’t want sex, I want the things that lead up to it. The slow kissing then the passionate kissing, then the pulling closer, the neck kisses, the grabbing, biting, heavy breathing, grinding, the pauses while you catch your breath, feeling each other. Oh my. Then sex.”

— Unknown

#musings #( look into my eyes and you’ll see everything I’ve ever wanted standing right in front of me; irasciblesoul )

[captbenscn]

#giving MOB AU vibes #( look into my eyes and you'll see everything i've ever wanted standing right in front of me; irasciblesoul )

[captbenscn]

FACELESS SERIES / @

#ooh I love this #hugs and kisses from behind are my favorite and they do that a lot #( look into my eyes and you'll see everything i've ever wanted standing right in front of me; irasciblesoul )

[captbenscn]

To Olivia, Elliot Stabler was the most selfless person she had ever know. Time and time he proved that. He put everyone else before him, he put everyone’s safety and well being before his own. Ever since she first met him, she’s seen it. How quick he is to risk his life to save another, how willing he is to give his own life if it means protecting someone else’s, including her own. His leaving her ten years ago had also - in a way - been selfless. Because what they had between them was complicated. It was complicating his life and her own, even if they didn’t want to believe that. As important as they were to and for one another, as easy as they made each other’s life at times, they also complicated it.

Because of their feelings for one another. Feelings they couldn’t admit, feelings they couldn’t act one, but in some ways did - putting their jobs on the line. Not to mention what it was doing to his family working in SVU, and with her, so his leaving was for his family as much as it was for Olivia. To uncomplicate her life - he believed - and to keep her at SVU. If anything, for Olivia, his leaving complicated her life even more, it broke her, devastated her, but... she understood why. She understood through his eyes why he truly believed leaving was better for his family and for Olivia, even if she didn’t agree with it. Even if it hurt day after day. Not knowing when or if she’d see him again, watching her messages go unanswered, listening to her calls go to voicemail... 

He could have told her - he should have told her, but leaving was meant to help Olivia. To make things easier on her, to save her job when IAB was looking to take her down along with Elliot. He was being selfless, putting others before him as he always did and, well...

He was doing so now. 

From one Undercover assignment right into another. Both meant to undercover darkness within, both meant to save and protect people because that’s who he was - that’s who he had always been. Proven now when he admits to her that he isn’t okay with this, but isn’t backing out because of what he knows - because of the darkness happening within the NYPD itself. Darkness that needs to be snuffed out. Once again, he’s putting himself at risk for the job, for the people, but this time it will be different because he isn’t doing it alone. Not completely, anyway. Olivia was directly involved. She hadn’t been with the Albanians, but she was now. Though, she’d been there for Elliot as much as she could during his time as Eddie ‘Ashes’, but this time she could really be here for him, help him with the case, be directly involved and ready to jump in should anything happen. Though, she had a feeling it would turn out to be just as dangerous, what with the possible connections to the Marcy Killers, and admittedly, it terrified Olivia, but they had more help this time, more resources, more teamwork... they had each other.

“You do. You always have.” Olivia states, then follows it up with a smile. “Even when you try to turn my own son against me.” She throws in that teasing remark, speaking on their many game nights together where he tried to get Noah on his side, ganging up on her and sometimes it worked. But her words were also a reminder of what he still had at home, that at the end of each day, and during it, he had his family. He had her and nothing would change that. She had him and nothing would change that, she knew. 

She can’t help but laugh when he mentions the flowers and dinner invitations, rolling her eyes as she finishes smoothing down his blue hoodie. “The dinner invitations will be immediately turned down and the flowers? Well, they might look good on the kitchen island, or in the garden.” Olivia smirks, hands gently patting his chest. “You’re thinking too much about this, El. I’m not that sought after.” She chuckles, though maybe she was being modest. Throughout her years, she did have quite the number of men interested in her, but since she and El went public, that had changed. Especially because it was Elliot Stabler - Olivia Benson’s partner of twelve years. Longer than any pair of partners in the NYPD. Practically everyone had heard about them, knew about their story and how close they were...

Many surprised that it took them this long to actually become involved. It was hilarious, really, how many people thought there was much more between them than just a Partnership. Which some ways, they weren’t wrong, but it just never became physical. Never went beyond Partnership and friendship, even if it had come close...

Olivia sighs and nods against his lips, finding difficulty in pulling away, but time is running short and they need this to work in their favor. No mistakes. “Good. I’ll text Ayanna on my way out, let her know I’m on my way.” She tells him with one more kiss, this one lingering before she forces herself to pull back, her forehead resting against his. “I love you.” 

Continued from here. @irasciblesoul

“You sure you are alright with this?”

His question gives her pause and before she answers, Olivia turns the question on him. “Are you sure you’re alright with this?” They’ve discussed this operation - the purpose of it, why it was important, who all was involved, what all needed to be done. Both stating they were okay with it, but now that it had been put into motion with Olivia sending Frank his way, feelings could have possibly changed. Especially knowing that they had possible ties with The Marcy Killers. At least, that was the suspicion brought about by Nova. Just how many dirty cops were there within the NYPD? Olivia was almost afraid to find out.

But she knew Elliot. She knew he wanted to do this, needed to do this, and at least he wouldn’t have to hide. He wouldn’t have to run away, he wouldn’t have to leave his family behind and take on an entirely new persona, though he’d have to play another part. Act as though his trust with his Sergeant - and the system in general - was shaken after the Wheatley incidents, allowing Frank to weasel his way into Elliot’s circle, or rather to draw him into his circle. It started off well enough and today was meant to progress it further.

But she did worry for Elliot. Out of one UC assignment and into another though, again, this one was different for many reasons, but she still worried for him. The danger it posed, the risk he’d have to take, and what it could do to his mind. But they were in this together - they knew right from wrong, they knew dark from light. Though, Olivia knew it would not be without difficulty. They would need to tread carefully and if the danger became too much, they’d pull Elliot out of this. And he knew that. He was full prepared to pull himself out if needed, but he wanted this. He wanted to flush the darkness and corrupt out of the NYPD, as did Olivia and Ayanna. Thus why they were all working this together in secret.

And this wouldn’t stop him from going to therapy. They all agreed on that.

“I’m not… okay with you being in this kind of danger again..” Olivia answers, but she knows he’ll be careful. Though, it won’t stop her from worrying. But this time he’s being monitored far more than when he was with the Albanians. And at least they know him as Elliot - so there’s no chance of his true self being found out. They already know he’s a cop. “Nor do I like fighting with you, but we’re pretty good at it.” She chuckles, thinking back on their many fake arguments during interrogations. It helped them quite a few times, though this one would be a bit different in that it would be in public for all eyes and ears around them to see and hear, but that was the point. Elliot needed to be put on the spot, needed to be seen in a negative light so Frank, and whoever he was aligned with, could swoop in and sway Elliot to their side.

She chuckles against his lips at his remark about the hoodie and she wraps her arms around him, wanting to be as close as possible for as long as possible before they had to part ways. “Just make sure it’s dry. Pretty sure it’s supposed to rain.” She reminds him, kissing him again and letting her lips linger, letting out a heavy sigh just before she’s pulling away - but not yet letting go… almost afraid to.

“Elliot, just… be careful, okay?”

#we should write the fight hahaha #( Daybreak. | Main )

[captbenscn]

Captain Benson & Detective Stabler edits.

#definitely how our EO looks at each other 24/7 #I will never be over this #( look into my eyes and you'll see everything i've ever wanted standing right in front of me; irasciblesoul )

[captbenscn]

They own my heart. My soul. My everything.

#Mariska hargitay #Chris Meloni #Olivia benson #Elliot stabler #what a way to wake up #I love them so much

[captbenscn]

Nathan, couples don’t get married in high school. It’s just…it’s not normal. 
So? I’m not normal. What I’m feeling is definitely not normal. And to be honest with you Haley, I don’t ever want to be normal. Not with you.

#i can’t unsee naley as college EO now ahhhh #I love Naley!! #so many moments that are college EO moments #( look into my eyes and you'll see everything i've ever wanted standing right in front of me; irasciblesoul )

[captbenscn]

He steps out from the hallway and into the living room and it’s like something from a movie - the way he’s wrapped in just a towel, keen on answering her question rather than getting dressed. How his body glistens from the moisture, the steam following him from the bathroom, surrounding him, making his simple entrance grand. Sexy. Alluring. Arousing.

She has to take a moment to push certain thoughts to the back of her mind and push away certain feelings, as well - certain temptations. Because she knows if she allows herself to give into the urge of dipping her fingers beneath his towel and pulling it loose, they aren’t leaving for a while. If at all. 

He makes his way over and kisses the top of her head before he joins her on the couch - wet, shiny, hot. The fact that he’s getting the sofa wet doesn’t bother Olivia as much as it should, he’s far too distracting and it’s only when he speaks and takes the magazine from her that Olivia is broken from her daze, her eyes locking with his instead of his middle - or lower - regions where they had been prior. His words of agreement prompts a wide smile, excitement filling her eyes. It had been a good while since she’s been to the Museum. Heck, it’s been a while since she’s planned a whole day like this, and to have someone that showed real interest in doing the same things she enjoyed, even adding to it? It meant everything.

 But more than that? It meant everything that it was Elliot. The person she’s wanted to do so many things with... including what she did next.

She shifts from her laying position on the couch and moves onto her hands and knees, crawling just a couple of steps until her lips find Elliot’s cheek, the corner of her lips just brushing over the edge of his beard and she’s smiling against his skin. “Sounds perfect. If we get started now, we’ll probably have enough time in the day to make all of that happen.” It was still early enough after all. Though, that meant they’d have to get off of this couch, but instead of doing that, Olivia’s hand finds his bare knee and glides upwards, over the towel and across his thigh, nearly ghosting over his groin, and moving up his bare abdomen and chest where she stops in the middle of his pecs - fingers moving through the hairs there, toying with them. “So you should probably get this towel off and get dressed, hm?” She murmurs against his cheek, lips and nose nuzzling him, making their way to his lips where she only lets herself kiss him for a brief second before she’s pulling back, knowing she wouldn’t be able to stop if she kissed him any longer. 

The fight is written all over her face as she pulls back and moves off of the couch.

“Come on, let’s get ready.” 

@irasciblesoul

“Hey, El?” Olivia calls out from her spot on the couch, a soft smile on her lips as she flips through the pages of the magazine in her hands, stopping when something catches her eye. “There’s an exhibit of the Plein Air Painters at the Whitney. How about we head uptown and grab some brunch?” There’s excitement in her voice upon asking, her eyes bright and full of life as she looks over the pictures in front of her, a preview of what they’d be seeing in person at the Museum itself. Anyone who knew Olivia Benson knew she loved Museums. Whether it was historical, or a science museum or in this case, a Museum of Fine Arts, Olivia loved them all. 

Though, she hadn’t been to one in a good while due to work, but like libraries, they had been an escape for her. A way for her to travel far away, to see life outside of New York, to imagine it, to experience it. Though, she was sure that one day soon, she really would be able to, what with feeling so… alive and hopeful ever since she and Elliot became involved. It was still new and not exactly official, or rather not publicly anyway, but most knew.

Their Captain, for one. Or rather, her Captain, considering Elliot was no longer part of the Special Victims Unit - something that never failed to bring Olivia pain just thinking about it, but at least she didn’t lose him completely. He didn’t leave New York again, he didn’t leave the country, he just was now working in a separate division and it was still close enough for the two of them to continue their relationship. Though, even if it had been some distance, it wouldn’t have been enough to break them apart… Olivia was sure nothing could, anymore. 

They were married, after all. Though accidental, but they decided to keep it intact what with actually being involved and, for years now, in love. Although, it wasn’t a conversation they had exactly, but neither brought up the subject of an annulment so that, in itself, was telling of where they stood. 

But Cragen knew. He wasn’t exactly happy about it at first - more so because it happened during an investigation in Las Vegas, though to be fair the investigation had been closed and they were left with some spare time to see the city or do what they wanted… and they certainly made the most of it. 

He was the only one aware of their accidental marriage, but others were aware of their relationship. Fin and Munch, of course. They didn’t even need confirmation, they just knew. 

Brian… that one hadn’t gone over to well. He and Olivia had problems before she left for Las Vegas and their relationship had practically ended, but that was official when she came back, much to Brian’s dismay and he knew exactly why. For who. There had been an argument, some hurtful words thrown back and forth, and then silence before going their separate ways and though her heart felt heavy with guilt, she felt… relieved. Happy. Excited. 

Complete.

And the reason being the man entering the living room dressed in a white bathrobe, his skin glistening - freshly showered. How the hell was she supposed to go a week without him? God, she was dreading it… dreading being without him. A week was nothing compared to two years, but still… after just getting him back, and in a way she never thought she’d have him, being away from him for any amount of time broke her. 

He was due to leave in two days, thus getting in all the time they could before he had to leave. “Or are you trying to convince me to stay home?” She questions playfully as her eyes unabashedly drink him in - the top part of his robe left open, giving her a slight view of his wet chest which she know was always intentional on his part. Whether it was this bathrobe, his suit jackets or the many Henley’s he owned. 

#( S13 Liv | OC El tag pending) #let them have all the fun before things get bad #because we like pain and angst #irasciblesoul

[captbenscn]

 If you had to choose between saving your partner and saving a member of the public, which would you do?

7x19 Fault | 11x06 Spooked. 

#eo #bensler #olivia benson #elliot stabler #law and order svu #some of the most terrifying moments of their life #knowing that if they pull they trigger they could kill their partner #but also knowing if they don't they could die at the hands of another #happy Fault anniversary!

[captbenscn]

Law and Order: SVU - 10.14 “Transitions”

#look at them #SO MARRIED #though it looks like she’s mad at Elliot #and he’s trying to get back into her good graces by giving her the coffee #and she’s still pouting #they are so cute #( look into my eyes and you'll see everything i've ever wanted standing right in front of me; irasciblesoul )

[captbenscn]

Her Serenity.

Continued from here. @irasciblesoul

Olivia had barely talked to anyone all morning, only doing so if it was absolutely necessary. Only if it was work related. Small talk? That definitely wasn’t happening for Olivia today and after shooting a look at Cassidy that could have buried him six feet under after asking what was up with her, Fin and Munch knew better than to engage. Though, she would’ve tolerated them far more than Cassidy, if she’s being honest. Munch placed a donut on her desk and Fin offered her a smile and she just knew he wanted to ask if it was regarding her relationship with a certain older man.

A certain older man that happened to be her Captain.

But no, he wasn’t the reason for her sour mood. If anything, he’d be the reason it changes if she ever had a chance to see him today, but they both had been extremely busy. He was drowning in paperwork and meetings while she was dealing with the current case, but even just locking eyes with him across the room when able helped calm her, helped made her feel less terrible and broken and depressed and hurt.

It made it even harder that they hadn’t spent all that much time together. For the past few nights, she was staying with her mother, something she tries to do every couple of months, though after last night? She’s decided against it. The fight they had wasn’t the worst, but it was up there, and she nearly went to Elliot’s that night in search of comfort, but went to her own apartment instead, not wanting to be a burden to anyone else that night.

Well, last night. Day three of not being able to spend it with Elliot and she hated it. Ever since they became involved, most of their nights were spent with one another. More so at his apartment given he lived closer to the Precinct, but they would sometimes stay at her place for a change of scenery despite not being able to offer as much space as he did. Though, living further from the Precinct meant less of a chance of them being seen… they really needed to figure that part out because hiding this was growing more difficult every day. Being unable to go out for lunch or dinner, unable to flaunt their relationship a little, or that she had the sweetest and sexiest boyfriend. Some may disagree with him being the sweetest considering the rough exterior he put out, but people knew he cared. They knew he was compassionate.

They just didn’t get to see it the way Olivia Benson did.

And everyone knew she was compassionate and caring, wore her heart on her sleeve, but no one had ever seen her so vulnerable the way Elliot did and no one made her feel so comfortable with being as such. Thus why she finally went to him. She fought against the urge to just keep to herself and instead allowed the opposite, allowed herself to seek help. To seek the comfort of the man she felt most comfortable and safe with and she just… needed to talk. And coffee was code.

She walks into the break room first and once he closes the door behind her, Olivia is taking in a deep breath.

Is there something wrong?

When Brian asked her that - though worded differently -  she wanted to tell him to fuck off, but she refrained and dismissed him in a polite manner… well, somewhat. But with Elliot asking her, Olivia wanted to say everything. He made it so easy to talk, made it so easy to open herself up, and it terrified her because she’s never had that with anyone. She always thought she was damaged goods, collateral damage, difficult to love, to put up with, hard, stubborn - made her fear letting anyone know her, yet he made her feel differently. He’s seen her. He’s seen her and yet he is still here, and yet he is asking her what’s wrong.

One arm reaches across her stomach to her other arm where she rubs up and down, suddenly wincing when she rubs just above her wrist that’s covered by her jacket’s sleeve. it still stings from last night, from the way her mother grabbed her - her nails scraping against her skin when Liv pulled away…

“My, uh, my mother..” Olivia chuckles, though it’s humorless. More of a ‘shocking, huh?’ type thing. He mostly knew about her strained relationship with Serena. “Last night was… the last.” She swallows hard, leaning back against the counter, completely forgetting about the coffee - she hadn’t even started it. She lets out the breath she’d been holding, eyes downcast, staring down at the floor for a few moments. “I should’ve known better.” Liv scoffs at herself, eyes now looking up when she feels the tears start to gather. She should’ve known better than to stay there for more than a day, but the first one had gone so well, she thought maybe the second would…

She should’ve known better than to engage while she was drinking, but what would have walking away done? Even though she tried that after the argument became heavy and hurtful…

She should’ve known better than to tell her anything about her relationship… though she didn’t say with who. Just that she was happy.

She should’ve known better and the shame, the embarrassment, the hurt is all drowning her, written all over her face now as she fights the urge to break, to scream, to cry. But God, he’s right there. The man that she wants to collapse into is so close, just a few steps away…

But she can’t. She can’t do that here and that just adds to the pain she’s in.

#welp #i'm in pain #cry with me #( You're My Addiction. Capt./Det. AU )

[captbenscn]

“I belong here, with you, with your heart.”

Words that resonated deeply with Olivia. Completely. Perfectly. 

Because she belonged here with Elliot. In his arms, against his body, within his heart. It’s where she’s always belonged, even when she didn’t. When she couldn’t. And when he couldn’t. But he did, he always had and always would - even during those ten years he wasn’t there. Those ten years she had to be without him - he still belonged in her heart, taking up the biggest part of it. No one else came close. David, Brian, Ed... men that she cared for, that cared deeply for her, that once upon a time she loved, but never was she in love with them. Never did she feel an all consuming love for those men as she did with Elliot. The kind of love that made it difficult to think of anything else, that made it difficult to want anything else - the kind of love that either made you the happiest or brought you the most pain. The kind of love that only existed with one person and that person for her was Elliot. It always had been Elliot and it always would be. 

Everyone knew that. Brian knew it. Fin knew it. Amanda knew it. Cragen knew it. Some knowing before Olivia even admitted it to herself, but now she could admit it out loud without restraint. To herself, to Elliot, to the entire world, though she was sure they knew already. At least all of NYC did because who didn’t know about SVU Partners Olivia Benson and Elliot Stabler? There had been no other pair of partners that worked longer than she and Elliot had, there had been no other pair of partners with the kind of love, bond and friendship like the one that existed between Elliot Stabler and Olivia Benson.

All which still existed to this day. Even stronger now.

“The feeling is mutual.” She replies after a few seconds, lips pressed against his cheek once more before trailing their day down to his shoulder, just above the water. “El, you know I’ve... always wanted to be part of a family...” She murmurs against his wet skin, her fingers still gliding up and down his abdomen and chest beneath the water. “More than anything and it’s... something I’ve always had with you. Something I’ve always felt with you, with your kids..” Though, not in the way she truly wanted... until now. “Then I met Noah and I... I really felt it, you know?” Her son, the light of her life... just thinking of him had her smiling, brought tears to her eyes. “And now you’re back and we’re here and god, it’s... it really feels complete.” She murmurs against his skin, nuzzling her lips against him while pulling him closer against her if at all possible. 

“Family is everything.” Words he once said to her so many years ago. Words that she never forgot, words that she never let go of. They stuck with her since that day, stuck with her for the next fifteen years, to this very day. His voice never left her head, never left her heart. 

He was her family. Noah was her family. His kids were her family. And for that, she was thankful.

“So stop worrying about thanking me because you’ve done so much for me, too. Just having you is enough.” She sniffles, her emotions heard within her voice, words laced in them. Then her voice softens and her arms lock around him, holding him as close as possible, as though fearing letting him go, fearing losing him again, desperate to keep him close and with her - her voice barely above a whisper as she speaks her next words. “Having you is everything.” 

Time away from those you loved could be detrimental to one’s mental state. Especially when having to live a life completely opposite of what you’re used to, opposite of what you want, of where you truly belong. It was something that could make one feel completely alone, and lonely. Olivia knew that all too well when she was forced to go Undercover in Oregon, but there were vast differences between what Elliot did and what she did. There were vast differences in the parts they played and the people they had to leave behind. Though she felt alone, she knew it was far worse for Elliot. He had to leave his children behind and his mother. He had to put himself in a role that was nothing like him, that went against everything he believed in and stood for. That he fought against, protected against whereas Olivia? She didn’t have to hurt anyone. She didn’t have to put any lives in danger and swallow the guilt that came with it.

No. Elliot did. The things he saw? The things he had to do? They were damaging. 

And the more it went on, the more said person could lose themselves. And though she knew he wouldn’t completely lose himself, though she believed he wouldn’t, she could see the guilt eating at him. She could see the confliction within his pained blue eyes, she could see him drowning in it. The line between what was real and what wasn’t becoming blurred. The line between what he should do and what he shouldn’t thinning for the sake of the mission. But the line never completely disappeared. She didn’t let it. His family didn’t let it. And neither did he.

Because beneath the fake persona that was Eddie ‘Ashes’ Wagner lay the real man, Elliot Stabler. The savior. The shield. The protector. The father. All which remained true throughout the entire Operation. He protected. He shielded. He saved. Rita. Amelia. And other several women. Children. 

For no one, and nothing, could ever take the savior out of Elliot Stabler. No one could ever take the shield from him. 

It was his to keep, forever bound to him. It belonged to him, with him.

“Do I worry you?” A rhetorical question, meant to prove that his own was futile. Worrying was a part of their life - especially theirs because of this job they had to do. He worried for her and she worried for him. He worried for his children, they worried for him. “If it isn’t the Undercover assignment, it’ll be something else. And I know you feel the same for me.” Worrying about what this job could do to her, about the serious dangers that came with it.  But that’s how they were with one another, how they always had been and always would be. A sign of their never wavering adamantine love for each other.

Sighing at his words, Olivia brings his hands closer to her chest, meant to bring his body closer to hers. “My peace of mind is that you are home and alive, El. It’s your mind that isn’t at peace.” And understandably so. She looks down at his hands once more and brings one to her lips, a kiss intended to help heal his pain. “But we’ll get there. We both know what this job can do to us, but through it all, we’ve always overcome.” Then she’s looking back up at him with a soft smile. “Haven’t we?” Not just them as Partners or friends, but as separate people who have been through so much in life, but here they still stand. Here they still move forward. He always thinks of her as one of the strongest, but Olivia sees him as just the same. The proof is within his eyes, within his heart, within his mind. The proof is him. 

She takes him to the bathroom despite his words and gets the water running. She watches as he discards his shirt and she takes a moment to run her hands up and down his chest, hoping to calm the tension that lives within them in the current moment. Then she presses a kiss to the middle before she’s stepping back to discard her own clothing and once ready, she’s stepping into the warm water. She positions herself against the back of it, long ways, and gestures for him to follow. Arms open as an invite, wanting him to sit with her, to relax with her and allow the hot water to relieve what tension it could and what tension she could not in the physical sense.  And once he joins her, lips are pressing to the side of his head and arms are coming around him, first running up and down his arms in a soothing manner before they’re sliding under his arms and meeting on his abdomen where slender fingers stroke his skin, keeping her touch soft and soothing. Another kiss to his temple before they move closer to his ear while fingers glide up and down his body. “I usually do.” She responds to his earlier words about her having the right idea, letting out a quiet chuckle against his skin. “Give yourself a peace of mind, okay? Don’t think about anything but this.” She coos into his ear, nuzzling with a quiet sigh and allowing her eyes to flutter shut - her heartbeat strong against his back, in sync with his own. 

Always in sync. 

‘Do I worry you?’

He didn’t need to answer, he knew well it was only to make her point and she was right. Her point was made the answer was simple, he always worried for her. But that was part of loving someone, right?  Loving meant worrying. Loving meant wanting the best for the other. Loving meant sharing the struggles and come up with solutions for them. Love wasn’t always a rose garden, the thorns would always make their way onto someone’s skin, someone’s heart. Sometimes he looses sight of the simplest of things, but he always finds his way back, he finds his way back to her, Olivia. It was the reason why the thin line of good and bad never disappeared, even when he lost sight of it from time to time. He knew what waited for him on the side of good, and like a siren song, he follows the melodious sound of the little bit of purity he had left to his family, to his love, to his mission and oath. To the promised he made to himself when Maureen was first born. To be a shield and protector. To be the best version of himself even when darkness struck his heart and that promise remains true to this very day.

There are reminders of them everywhere he looks. 

In Olivia’s kind eyes. 

In his mama’s caring advice. 

In his kids happiness.

in his team faith in him.

So when he laughs at her following words it is almost hollow but laced with understanding. Any other person would take his reaction as rude, but he knows better and so does Olivia. Years of knowing each other, of a lasting partnership had created a base for understanding that he had never been able to recreate with anyone else. No one has ever come close and no one ever will. There was a special kind of chemistry between them that no one could ever replicate such results. “You know...” He begins, voice like gravel bouncing off the quiet walls surrounding them, keeping the words inside their own little world, their own little bubble. “I always though that belonging was simply a word people used to excuse their loneliness.” Eyes close softly in concentration to feel the beating of his heart, steady, strong, hers. “To allow themselves to believe that they only belong to themselves. But you…” Elliot relaxes against Olivia, his eyes still closed, her touch leaving a path of goosebumps against his skin. He likes the sensation, the otherworldly feeling that tells him without a shadow of a doubt that he was home, that he was where he belonged.

“You give meaning to that word now more than ever.” Hand lands on top of her, fingers wrapping against her soft skin before he lifts to pressed a kiss against it. “I belong here, with you, with your heart.” 

Finally, he breathed out a sigh, one of relief. One that freed him of all that tension, the curling dark energy that had been conversed within his chest. A weight that had been pushing down his lungs preventing Elliot from breathing easy, purely. Yes, he is aware of the severity of all the bad that had occurred doing his undercover time, he still needed to process everything, needed to talk to someone about all that had been seen and lived, but for tonight, for the first time actually, he can rest easy. Olivia was there to be a guiding light. “You always do so much for me and I will never be able to thank you like you deserve.” 

#well i'm emotional #fuck #my heart #( Daybreak. | Main )

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“It always seems impossible until its done.”

— Nelson Mandela

#words of encouragement #things Olivia would say

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Chris Meloni’s birthday!!

#mostly posting it here for someone that wants to see it all so xD #but I’m so in love hahahah #Chris Meloni #Mariska hargitay #( off duty; ooc )

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Chris is really enjoying his birthday!!! So happy for him! HAPPY BIRTHDAY, CHRISTOPHER MELONI!!

#( off duty; ooc ) #Chris Meloni

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“You don’t have to make me feel bad, you know.” Olivia laughs in response to him listing the things she was going to miss. She knew it wasn’t his intention and he was right, Olivia believed him. It was something she thought about herself. How people always said life goes by in the blink of an eye, how children grow up so fast so to enjoy every minute of it, even the minutes you’d rather sleep. She understood that all too well - now being a mother herself - but she’d never been one to take anything for granted. Especially this - motherhood. Marriage. Having a family. Every single moment with Vera? She cherished. Every smile, every giggle, every wave of her tiny little hand. Just as she cherished every moment with Elliot. 

For a long time, Olivia had wanted to be part of a family. More than anything and now, she had one. She had everything she’d ever wanted and to be quite honest, it was better than anything she had dreamed of. It was better than any dream because it was a reality. A reality Olivia never thought would come to be... having secretly wished for it before it happened, before his divorce... something that, at the time, drowned her heart in guilt because he was married and she was in love with him. 

But his marriage had been falling apart long before Olivia came into his life and at least, in the end, it was an amiable separation. No ill feelings towards the other, no ongoing war. Even Kathy, herself, had moved on. She was happy and they were still co-parenting their children. Kathy was even happy for Elliot, she was happy for Olivia. For their family.

A family both Liv and Elliot cherished everyday. They made sure to had adequate time off to spend with their newborn - much to Cragen’s understanding - while still making sure to do the job that needed to be done. There had even been a few times where they brought Vera up to the precinct and Cragen would watch her and God, she was loved by everyone. Grandpa Cragen, Uncles Fin and Munch - everyone. She’d been the talk of the Precinct for a while. Well, they all had been. How Olivia Benson and Elliot Stabler finally stopped playing around and gave in to what everyone else already knew and had seen. How THE Olivia Benson and Elliot Stabler had a baby and she was the most beautiful - just like her mother. With the most dazzling blue eyes, like her father. 

Munch was already discussing conspiracy theories which Liv had to put a stop to a couple of times while Fin loved introducing himself as The Badass Uncle. Needless to say, they were all more excited to see Vera than the two of them, but that was more than okay with Olivia.

She hums in relaxation as his hand rubs up and down her back, starting to doze off when their daughter’s cries are heard through the baby monitor. Olivia stirs and groans against his chest before he starts to pull away from her, her hand grabbing hold of his but then letting go at the last second. “You sure? I’ll be fine, El. I’m --” A yawn breaks her words and her head drops back to the pillow - she’d been running on a few hours of sleep so she nods at his insistence. 

He leaves the room and Olivia lays there for a few minutes but finds herself unable to fall back asleep so she listens to the words come through the baby monitor - Elliot’s soft voice speaking to their daughter, reassuring her that he’s here now, that he’s got her, and that Mommy is sleeping. It makes her smile, makes her heart melt, listening to Elliot’s soothing voice and how the cries calm. Something that happens with her, as well. Whether she’s angry or upset, Elliot’s voice, and his touch, has a way of calming her in ways nothing, and no one, else can.

So she lays there and listens to them for a few minutes, giving them some time alone before she decides to get out of bed and head to where they are, wanting to just check in and watch them for a little while - watch her husband with their daughter... truly one of Olivia’s favorite things to do.

Olivia was surprised she hadn’t woken up when Elliot carried her into the bedroom. Or Vera for that matter. It just showed how tired Olivia had been, what with a full night’s sleep being rare now with having a newborn. But it was to be expected. Olivia knew what to expect. Not from experience, of course. Not like Elliot, what with him having been through this four times and now a fifth and admittedly, Olivia was thankful for that. Because through all of her moments of panic, he was there to calm her. He was there to reassure her, he was there to help her. He was there to remind her that she would be a great mom, that she was a great mom, and that the genes didn’t matter. 

“It’s not about the genes, Liv…”

Words said to her years ago that still stuck with Olivia to this day. Words that never left her, that would never leave her - words that reminded her that she wasn’t her mother. That she wouldn’t be, at least not in the ways Olivia feared becoming. And Elliot was always quick to reassure her of that. He was quick to calm her fears, to drive them from her mind and heart and instead fill it back with excitement and joy and confidence. Something they often did with one another because no person believed in them the way they believed in one another.

So to have Elliot through all of this was everything. Everything she’d ever wanted for a long time. To love and be loved, to be part of a family, to have a family. All which she had with Elliot - her longtime partner. The man she tried so hard to stop herself from falling in love with. 

The man she was unable to stop herself from falling in love with and now… here they were. All laid up in in bed together while their daughter slept. 

For how long this time? That remained to be seen. 

“And how long, exactly, until she starts sleeping through the night? Because I’m ready…” Olivia groans tiredly, face falling into his shoulder for a few seconds, inhaling him in and allowing herself to relax completely in his arms and against his body. Of course Olivia loved their baby girl and she cherished every single moment with her, but… well, sleep was needed sometimes, especially with the job they did. But truthfully, she wouldn’t trade any of this for anything. 

Another tired, yet annoyed, groan falls from her lips when he mentions Vera ready to cry at any second. “Well, now you just jinxed it.” She huffs, nuzzling into his neck as she feels herself starting to relax again, though not completely. A part of her is on edge, just waiting for their daughter to wake up at any moment. “Just… ten minutes, Vera.” She murmurs against her husband’s neck, her eyes closed, breathing starting to slow again… sleep was taking her.

Nine minutes in, the cries ring out. 

The question has Elliot chuckling, half amused and half with pity because he knows that as close as it was, it wasn’t close enough. Olivia had a tendency of growing cranky when she didn’t get enough sleep, and as funny as it was to him, Elliot also knows it was starting to get to her. Hence why he tries to take most of the night shifts, one because he was used to it and two because he functions better with lack of sleep than her. He had spent so much time being unable to sleep well that he had made it part of his onset abilities. Of course he knows it isn’t healthy, specially with his developing chronic migraines, but it is what it is and as much as he tried to correct it, it was quite hard to do so. 

“Well, not /too/ long.” He begins, hand running up and down her spine in a relaxing motion, telling her silently that’s alright, that she can go back to sleep. That in any case he’ll go to Vera himself if she wakes. “But you are gonna miss it you know… Staying up late with her. Hearing coo softly. Feeling her search for your warmth. Smiling when she hears your voice…” He trials off, thinking. He does, you know, he does miss it with his kids. Miss the time they would come to him whenever they needed something. It wasn’t as often as he would’ve liked, his job taking the entirety of his time but they had their mom and he is grateful for that. But he is also bitter about it. Bitter because, in a way, Kathy never really understood that the reasoning of his job, why he volunteer to this unit and he thought that she might, that being a nurse and knowing what she sees and hears in the emergency room would make her more apathetic to his cause but there was never that… 

But Olivia knew more than anyone in the world. She said it once, they sell bits and pieces of their soul in order to do this job but at least they have each other to fill in the each other’s empty spaces. Even so, he’ll try to do better this time around.  

“My apologies.” He says with a laugh, kissing the side of her head before he goes silent. He enjoys the slight moment of silence. The rise and fall of her chest against his. Her breath against his neck, the swell of her spine against his hand. It the the purest form of happiness. The moments in between words and actions. The moments that are filled with the promise of love and commitment for the future. 

It feels almost like a dream. 

A daydream that he hopes he never wakes up from. For the longest of time he never thought this would be possible, Olivia in his arms, having this conversation. Their hearts one, their souls planning for their future together. All the firsts that they still have to experience together and all the moments they will inevitably would repeat together. There was a time in his life that, whenever he look into his blue eyes reflected in the mirror, he would always note how cloudy they were. How unfulfilled he felt, how misty his life was, but now whenever he does look at the reflection there’s absolute clarity, maybe because, for the first time in his life, he was living in absolute honesty. He was finally able to see the full picture of what his life was supposed to look like and when Very began crying and Olivia’s body instantly reacted, Elliot knew this was exactly where he was supposed to be. 

“Stay here.” He murmured against her hair. “And rest.” He added, before, and against his better judgement, extracting himself away from Olivia. 

#MY HEART IS SO FULL WITH THEM #baby things - i needed it #i want to cry i love them so much #( It's You and I. Always. | Season 8/Married AU )