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calamitycullen ¡ 3 years
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You're HC's of the Cullen gang getting into hilarious hijinx is amazing! Please tell me you have fics that you can link! I would love to read a fic with all these together! I'm serious! I would read the shit out of that you are an amazing writer!!!
Thank you so much for these they are a joy!
i adore you, you wonderful human being <3 you have made my day! i have been considering starting writing fics but have yet to find the time, if i do you’ll be the first to know :) for now i’m going to get back to writing headcanons, i appreciate your sweet words about my writing (which i am working very hard on improving!) more thank you know. have a lovely night, thank you for the inspiration !
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calamitycullen ¡ 3 years
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emmet and jasper in: going to the movies because it seemed like a good idea at the time ft. edward
- esme and carlisle made a mutual agreement that the boys needed to spend time with each other in a way that didn’t involve ripping each other’s heads off for sport
- or mutilating animals in the woods
- and that’s exactly how the three of them ended up at the movie theater together against their will on a friday evening
- the real battle began when they were trying to decide which movie to see
- “how about charlie’s angels? one of the actresses in it looks just like bell-”
- edward was silenced by an empty popcorn bucket to the head, courtesy of emmett
- “hey, how about we catch the rerun of butch cassidy and the sundance kid? bet you like all that western shit, eh jazzy boy?”
- “for the last time emmett, i was not a cowboy or a bank robber and i didn’t live in the goddamn west and if you ever call me jazzy boy again-”
- they ended up seeing some new horror movie because they were in the mood for some laughs
- emmett insisted on getting popcorn, reasons unbeknownst until he started pelting edward with the kernels five minutes into the film
- “jazz do you feel that? i think the squirrels are back.”
- “shut it, edward.”
- edward eventually figured out what was going on and war ensued
- they both wanted jasper to pick sides but he was having none of it
- he was trying to concentrate on how the killer could’ve improved in every area of his murders
- things get taken too far when emmett used a 9 year old girl as a shield
- all attempt to be inconspicuous went out the window after that
- long story short, they got kicked out
- and carlisle and esme didn’t complain about their lack of normal bonding after that
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calamitycullen ¡ 3 years
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“I’m really glad Edward didn’t kill you. Everything’s so much more fun with you around.”
Bella and Emmett in The Twilight Saga (2008 – 2012)
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calamitycullen ¡ 3 years
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emmett and jasper in: going to the mall
- it was alice’s idea
- “you guys seriously need to get up to date with teenage attire. rosalie and i are starting to get embarrassed.”
- and that’s how they ended up at nordstrom rack at 3pm on a sunday
- “emmett, are you sure this the mall?”
- “i don’t know, i just typed in clothing and this was the nearest thing that popped up. just find some stuff that looks trendy so we can leave”
- jasper starts looking at cowboy boots but the first few words of emmett’s yeehaw joke sent him stalking in the opposite direction
- “hey, jazz, do you think this poncho is my size?”
- “that’s a rug and no. stop trying to put it on people are staring”
- they realize the girls should’ve come to assist around the same time emmett snuck up on jasper and ended up lodged in the shoe display behind him
- jasper doesn’t want to let alice down so they decide not to let one pissed off security team ruin the outing
- “jazz! this shirt says hashtag selfie on it, that’s definitely what the girls meant by trendy, right?”
- “you’re so right.”
- emmett is just about to grab the shirt when a ten year old girl reaches for it at the same time
- “back off, she-devil! this selfie shirt is mine,”
- tug of war ensues
- emmett pulls a tad too hard and the shirt gets ripped in two
- he hardly notices though. it’s a win in his eyes
- “ha!”
- they decided to leave nordstrom rack after that
- “look jazz, a fountain! you know what that means?”
- “um, ambience? i’ve seen them in a few shopping plazas before-” *SPLASH*
- they return home soaking wet with half a torn selfie shirt
- alice that she’ll just go without them next time
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calamitycullen ¡ 3 years
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I love him as a brother, but he’s irritated me from the first moment I heard him speak.
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calamitycullen ¡ 3 years
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SEND ME HEADCANON SUGGESTIONS IDK WHAT TO DO
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calamitycullen ¡ 3 years
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emmett and jasper in: the shitshow that is gym class
- when carlisle got his kids’ schedules and found out that emmett and jasper had p.e. together, he sat down on his office floor and squeezed his temples with his fingers
- the boys were the most excited they’d been for school since the dodgeball incident of 1994 and spent 2 hours trying to convince carlisle that they weren’t going to cause problems
- he didn’t believe them at all (rightfully so as everyone would soon find out) but esme loved how happy her sons seemed so that was that
- in their defense, they really did try to act inconspicuous in the beginning
- but only so much could be done
- things got really bad when the basketball unit started
- carlisle spent two hours on the phone with the principal and gym teacher trying to explain how emmett threw jasper 20 feet so he could dunk in the last 4 seconds of the game
- “it won’t happen again, promise!”
- yeah that was a lie
- wrestling week proved that
- they weren’t in the same weight class originally but eventually they could were only allowed to wrestle each other because they kept knocking the wind out of their opponents and giving them concussions
- it’s not their fault they’re basically made out of stone
- the final match at the end of the week sure was a sight
- no one had an explanation for how jasper’s head had cracked through the gym floor without sustaining so much as a bump
- the spectators could’ve sworn they heard hissing coming from the mat
- and the crouching position the brothers assumed whenever they weren’t on top of each other left quite a bit to imagination
- the match finally came to a close when jasper threw emmett into the water fountains and caused a plumbing problem for the whole school
- yet emmett was still somehow unscathed
- rumors began to fly following that, obviously, and carlisle just about passed out when he heard
- “one more incident and we’re moving to switzerland.”
- things went.. relatively smoothly after that
- until baseball unit
- in jasper’s defense, he tried to warn the gym teacher ahead of time
- “um, sir? i don’t know if i should play, i’ve, um, got a pretty strong hit and i wouldn’t want to-”
- “head in the game, hale!”
- the ball flew out of state
- no one had a good explanation for that one and they were on the plane to switzerland the following day
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calamitycullen ¡ 3 years
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or jacob imprinting on edward someone shut me up
ok but how much better would twilight have been if the love triangle also included jacob and edward being in love w each other
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calamitycullen ¡ 3 years
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ok but how much better would twilight have been if the love triangle also included jacob and edward being in love w each other
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calamitycullen ¡ 3 years
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imagine rosalie and edward going to high school when it was just the two of them lmaoo
- “oh yeah, the cullen siblings? they hate each other. but for whatever reason they don’t hang out with anyone else”
- “yesterday in gym class, the blonde one hit a baseball directly into the back of the guy’s head. it should’ve, like, dented his skull or something but he just looked mildly annoyed”
- they constantly bicker at lunch
- no one can hear what they’re talking about but it’s hard to miss them literally pouring beverages down each other’s shirts
- they even go to prom together, which would've been weird if it weren't so painfully obvious that romance is the last thing they have between them
- the whole time they’re needling each other with insults while simultaneously outshining everyone else on the floor
- even though they fight 24/7 it’s obvious that they don’t completely loathe each other because one time in chem a guy said something vulgar about rosalie and edward just so happened to accidentally spill half a gallon of sulphuric acid on him
- luckily the teacher was female so edward was able to get off the hook but everyone knows it wasn’t an accident
- mainly because the chem lab doesn't have sulphuric acid and about nine people watched edward take a mysterious white jug out of his backpack while deliberately staring at said boy
- but if it was good enough for the police it’s good enough for EVERYONE ELSE
- carlisle decides it might be best to homeschool them for awhile after that
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calamitycullen ¡ 3 years
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the cullens at disneyland
cause you know it’s gonna be a disaster
- it was esme’s idea, obviously
- because she loves her kids more than anything and wants them to enjoy their eternity as much as possible
- it’s spring break in forks and los angeles is supposed to be cloudy all week so carlisle is like why the hell not? the kids have been on good-ish behavior (emmett not included)
- the trip was pretty much doomed from the start
- edward is in a pissy mood because bella is visiting her mom in phoenix and can’t come
- so naturally rosalie pushes him in a fountain as soon as they get to the park
- esme makes her apologize because he’s almost in tears at this point (it’s taking all her willpower not to smile)
- jasper immediately takes off to find frontierland and emmett follows him for the soul purpose of annoying him with yeehaw jokes
- “jazz. hey, jazz. what do you call a happy cowboy?”
- “emmett i swear to god-”
- “a jolly rancher! ha!”
- he buys a cowboy hat which jasper is upset about because it has sparkles and is therefore “not authentic”
- alice has zero interest in going on rides, she just wants to find every single character there and quiz them on their history
- “so you’re rapunzel, hm? tell me EXACTLY which lever was pulled in the snuggly duckling to open the secret hatch. you shouldn't have to think about it!”
- carlisle goes with her because face it, he’s from the 1600s and rollercoasters terrify him
- also someone has to hold alice back when tiana mispronounces beignet during her 3rd degree
- esme is just following all of them around, taking as many pictures as she can for her future “cullen family at disney” scrapbook
- edward and rosalie try not to murder each other for her sake
- and despite the fountain incident, they somehow end up spending most of the day together
- she buys minnie mouse ears while he stares up at the sky and broods
- “at least bella and i are looking up at the same sky right now.”
- “can it, edward. and take a picture of me in these ears for emmett, i’m sure he’ll think it’s adorable”
- jasper and emmett eventually make their way out of frontierland (mainly because jasper was one butchered southern accent away from decapitating his dear brother) and decide to visit the wizarding world of harry potter
- they run into alice and carlisle at the butterbeer cart
- carlisle attempts to remind emmett that he can’t really consume human beverages but it’s too late because two cups have been drained
- while emmett is coughing up in the bushes, the three of them laugh about how ridiculous the idea of wizards and witches are
- while jasper simultaneously manipulates emmett’s emotions to calm his nerves and alice casually sifts through her future visions for the day
- eventually the whole clan meets back up and decides to take a full family picture in front of the ferris wheel
- they get some poor unsuspecting mother to be their photographer
- she has to stand there for ten minutes while they try to organize themselves properly
- just when they’re about to take the picture a rollercoaster goes by and scares the everloving crap out of carlisle and edward
- the wind from the rollercoaster messes up rosalie’s hair and emmett is frantically trying to fix it before she ‘accidentally’ rips the car off the tracks
- “YOU’RE MAKING IT WORSE!!”
- jasper takes the moment of distraction to knock emmett’s cowboy hat into the river behind them
- and all hell breaks loose
- it’s safe to say they don’t end up with a nice family picture for the end of the scrapbook and esme decides that that’s enough family vacations for awhile
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