butyouknowiwont

[butyouknowiwont]

there’s no rule as to how big or how small you’re allowed to dream. if you just want a small home and an orange kitchen and four cats that’s just as reasonable of a goal to work for as a big new york penthouse. and if all you really want is a simplistic career that isn’t the center of your life then that’s just as valid as dreaming of becoming a famous fashion designer or ceo. i know everyone keeps urging you to dream big, but dreams can be as simple and small as you want. they’ll always be valid. you decide how you want to live and what kind of life you want, no one else.

[butyouknowiwont]

"I've been sleeping so long in a twenty year dark night, now I'm wide awake...I wanna be defined by the things that I love, not the thing I'm hate, not the things I'm afraid of [afraid of], or the things that haunt me in the middle of the night. I just think...you are what you love."

(Daylight)

It's weirdly surreal. There were so many signs, glowing in neon lights, begging for someone to notice them. But I couldn't see them until now. A huge part of me feels foolish for missing them for all those years, after all, they're so obvious now. My therapist likes to remind me it's not fair to be mad at myself for not knowing what I didn't know.

There were the girls I had this overwhelming desire to be best friends with, but were too scared to talk to. There was that one friend who spent hours just driving with me at midnight, while we talked about being roommates forever. There's the way I panicked and just picked a boy to tell my friends I had a crush on when they asked. There’s the fact that men have always made me uncomfortable down to my soul.

But women? Women. I remember thinking that it was the best argument about sexuality not being a choice, because obviously everyone would choose to be with a woman. It turns out that apparently not everyone would choose to be with a woman, although if I'm being honest that one still confuses me.

I once read a quote talking about how people only ever ask why you don't like men, but no one ever asks why you love women. While I could give you a laundry list of reasons I don't trust or feel comfortable around men, I would much rather talk about how all I find is magic in women. How life can be so rough and cruel, so why wouldn't you want to come home to someone who is naturally soft and gentle and understanding? I'd much rather discuss how fascinating the dichotomy of gentleness and fierceness that women carry is to me.

But they only ever want to talk about if my ex knew I liked women. No one wants to hear about how I felt like a lightbulb came on, how for the first time I woke up from a nap and knew exactly which century we were in.

I am endlessly grateful that the family members who offered to let the boys and I live in their house are a lesbian couple. For one, it's incredible to be certain that my living situation is secure as I come out. But it's also really helpful for me to spend all these months in a world that's not centered around men, but rather a world that's solely centered around healthy relationships.

I get to spend every day in a world where women loving other women is beautiful and unquestioned. After a lifetime of religious guilt and suppression, that's really freeing. I have room to be a woman in her mid 20s having a schoolgirl crush on someone if I want to. (Sorry, no roofs or plastic cups here) And that's a really unique and beautiful privilege for me.

My world is undeniably different from what it was when I last wrote on here. But it's brighter and more clear and it all just feels right finally. I'm still figuring out what life will look like from here, but I'm certainly excited to build a life that's for my own good. It will take time, I know it will. And I hope that eventually I'll get to start all over again with the woman I never let myself dream of.

I do want to be really clear about one thing here. Yes, I was married to a man. Yes, we're getting divorced. No, it was not solely because of my sexuality. I had largely made up my mind that I wouldn't be going back before I realized this about myself. Our relationship had issues outside of this area, and each of those reasons is still just as valid as they ever were.

#taylor swift #therapy #recovery #mental illness #mental health #trauma #spilled words #religion #religious guilt #coming out #lesbian #divorce #daylight #lyspeaks

[butyouknowiwont]

not to be controversial but sometimes I think the private personal lives of celebrities are in fact none of our business

[butyouknowiwont]

I want to write. I have ideas. I open document. I type four of the worst sentences ever created in the english language. I daydream the rest of the scene. I close document.

[butyouknowiwont]

Well, hello there.

It's been a while. I kinda majorly revamped this little space to match my new twt profile, so you might not even recognize me if you were here before. Anyway, a lot has happened while I was gone.

I left my husband, moved in with family, and am now close-ish to getting my own apartment again. My kids are getting so big and keeping me so busy. I saw all the glaring signs of my sexuality and have even come out to most of the people who would need to hear it from me ( 🥳 ).

If I'm being honest, I barely recognize the girl who spent a lot of her time here, mostly writing things she'd leave in the drafts. I think I'm starting my 4th separate lifetime so far, and I'm loving this one the most. I hope I'll find more inspiration to write some more and share it with you.

[butyouknowiwont]

Pro tip: If a guy tells you he isn’t very political, he is conservative but has learned that won’t get him laid

[butyouknowiwont]

Joe showed her that it was possible and also whisked her away to London which is the stuff of movies... I hope yall know you dont have to do everything alone, if someone throws you a lifeline you can take it lol

“if someone throws you a lifeline you can take it” is the most succinct summary of this entire situation i have heard and you’re 10000% right

[butyouknowiwont]

From the bottom of my heart: im not sorry for anything i put on yalls dash, i am my own target audience and i find my taste immaculate but thank u for witnessing 💕

[butyouknowiwont]

can someone please explain how it’s possible that every single month this year ended as quickly as it started and yet this whole year has felt like an eternity

[butyouknowiwont]

taylor rly said fuck all my enemies who hurt me and while we’re at it actually fuck my parents too i respect it

[butyouknowiwont]

OnlyMe. an app that's just you posting for yourself.

[butyouknowiwont]

if i could marry a song i’d marry champagne problems and i realize the irony of that but im serious

[butyouknowiwont]

[butyouknowiwont]

[butyouknowiwont]

My heart. Oh, god, I'm not sleeping tonight, am I?

Well it’s 11/24 and 24-11=13 so I’ve got an announcement 🤓 You haven’t seen this film before ✨ folklore: the long pond studio sessions will be out tonight at midnight PST on Disney+

[butyouknowiwont]

I just love her so much.

♥♥♥

[butyouknowiwont]

ever feel like your words, even though they could have so many other meanings to others, are very personal? You could say things in the most confusing, anonymous way, but yet you still feel like you’re saying too much. Who knew that less than ten words could make one feel so vulnerable and exposed?