bukohen

[bukohen]

These eyes just aren't tired

I thought to myself

As I lay awake at 4 am

My head hurts

My body won't move much

My spine is stiff

But there's no listlessness in my eyes

No matter how hard I try to keep them closed

And drift back to sleep

They will not

Like a distant memory

And dreams

I can't remember

The hum of the early morning ac

Is a white noise

As it tries to warm the house

I hear my mother

Awake and coughing

Father is leaving for work

I can faintly hear cars rushing in the distance

It sounds like a strong wind

There are no sirens yet this morning

Though I know

Someone somewhere is in a gurney

I think about the outside

And things to be done

But I am in bed

I wish to stay here

I am warm

I am safe

But I am awake

#poetry #new poets society #poem #poets corner #writers on tumblr #spilled ink #original #original poetry #original poem

[bukohen]

Your windows are black

And the distance echoes sirens

The Christmas lights shut off

And you take another sip

Your father is dead

And you drink to every word unsaid

The TV light flashes

And glazes over your eyes

She gets up to leave

And takes the money from the dresser

There's lipstick stains on your collar

A week ago you said

You'd deal with later

She leaves the door behind her

It closes and you feel lighter

Solitude can cure a man

But loneliness can rot

It's the silent breaths and blank stares

In an unlit room

It's hot tea left in a kettle, growing cold

It's the warm blood on a cold knife

It's the blue and white glow over you

And the reflection of the screen on your glass

As you take another sip

And fall asleep at last

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[bukohen]

i often wonder what it would feel like to matter i know in the universe’s universe i am just one small star a single grain of salt spilled on a tabletop; on my own, i don’t amount to much - i know this but to know something and to feel it are two different things and i am beginning to feel i am beginning to feel nothing like i am nothing like i am no more important than that single grain of salt just sitting there until it’s swept away into the trash and i want to believe i am more than that but i’m just not so sure anymore i’m not asking to be someone’s entire solar system but it would be nice to feel like i shine a little brighter than a black hole

(cc, 2021)

[bukohen]

don’t tell me that it’s “all in my head” when the thoughts i think fill me with so much dread that they paralyze me, leave me laying in bed frozen with fear with the thought that everyone i hold dear would be so much happier if i wasn’t here a thousand “i’m sorry”s spill from my lips with every breath I take like i’ve written a thousand scripts but no matter how i try to sing this song i always end up doing something wrong or maybe i don’t maybe it is just “all in my head” maybe i’m not as bad as my thoughts have said but it’s hard to believe anything other than their screaming it’s hard to know what’s the truth and what’s hopeful dreaming and everyone tells me, “it’s all in your head” as if that makes it as fictional as something i’ve read but these thoughts i think - am i not the thoughts i think? am i not the ship that sinks? am i not the tears i blink? am i not the numbness i drink? is all what’s in my head not some extension of me? maybe that’s what makes everything in my head so easy to believe

(cc, 2021)

[bukohen]

Can't get to sleep

With all the spiders in my head

I awake to existential dread

I try to think

This will end some time

And lull myself with

I'm fine, I'm fine, I'm fine

How can I lie to my friends

And say - I'm okay

And get away with it

And if I say it enough

Will I begin to believe it

#poetry #new poets society #poem #poets corner #writers on tumblr #original #original poetry #original poem #writer #writing

[bukohen]

I know somewhere

where there's a god

He's lying at her feet

- destroyer (angels if light/michael gira)

I haven’t seen god

[bukohen]

“So why am I depressed? That’s the million-dollar question, baby, the Tootsie Roll question; not even the owl knows the answer to that one. I don’t know either. All I know is the chronology.” - Ned Vizzini, It’s Kind of a Funny Story

[bukohen]

You're a martyr to yourself

Why are you so sad?

Why can't you be happy?

Why can't you just be?

All of your friends here love you

Why can't you see?

What will it take to make you believe

That you can grieve and not have to leave

And not live on an island

Stranding yourself at sea

You're swallowing the ocean

But afraid of drowning

You can't have faith

In everything you fear

Don't let the darkness kiss you

When the light is so near

Don't look back now

Let your feet make steps to find

I am your shadow

I'm always close behind

#poetry #new poets society #poem #poets corner #writers on tumblr #philosophy #spilled ink #prose #writing inspiration #original #a letter to myself #writing #writer #depression

[bukohen]

If things could be simpler

If I could feel better

Then maybe the songs

Would sound lighter

Maybe the birds

Could fly higher

And maybe I could look up at them

And not be blinded by the sun

#poetry #poem #poets corner #new poets society #writers on tumblr #spilled ink #prose #writer #writing #original poem #original poetry

[bukohen]

In the calling in which you beckoned

The culling began with the roots that kept me

Tall and I never lingered

But now with shears I bend

And shrivel in fear of the after

And the water that once ran deep

Now fills the moat of another's Keep

The bridge firm and mighty

While mine is a cinder and smolders quietly

And the travelers no longer stop and sit

To regale their tails in the midst

Of great men and kings

Of a now broken palace

I hear their laughter

As I stand outside the castle wall and shiver

In the breeze of your callous

There are no great men or kings

In the walls of a shattered palace

#poetry #new poets society #poem #poets corner #writers on tumblr #spilled ink #prose #original poem #original poetry

[bukohen]

All the women soon after begin to blend together. It no longer remains to be her, or her, or her. It is them. They become one. The memories fuse, and what you remember is the feeling. Not the face. Not the name. Only how you now feel when you see a couple, or hear a song, or read a poem. Love is the common denominator that is the thread between all things. And so is the emptiness. Because even the love and the emptiness soon after eventually blend together. They no longer remain two beings, they marry, and slow dance in the intersection at night, in the dark.

#poetry #poem #new poets society #poets corner #writers on tumblr #spilled ink #prose #writing #writer #original writing #original #original poetry #original poem

[bukohen]

I know nothing

Except my own pain

I am a fool to this world and ignorant of it's ways

I walk tired and unknown

Misunderstood by all

Death does not even know me

But she understands me

She does not know me

Only of

And I not her,

And only of.

#poetry #new poets society #poem #poets corner #writers on tumblr #spilled ink #prose #original poetry #original writing #original poem

[bukohen]

How many times

Am I going to wake up

Feeling this way

Yes and how

Do I

Shake this

Rain from my eye

I need to blink

eyes getting dry

Staring at the void

But I

Can't look away

It's too much for me

How can I survive

I'm

Thrown in

To a world of pain

And everyone hates

Everyone else

Yes and how

Am I

Supposed to love

Supposed to feel

How do I

Get out of bed

And open my door?

How

Can I

Not be afraid

Of the world

#poetry #new poets society #poem #writers on tumblr #poets corner #spilled ink #prose #writing #writer #original poem #original poetry

[bukohen]

I'm not interested in your phony pleasantries

Why must I be subject to your loving fallacies

You tell me you love me when you're drunk

I'm playing a game I cannot win

A game I never wanted from the start

A checkmate at every turn

Can I go a day without my stomach to churn

I'm tired of your face

Burning memory to mind

Your voice in my ear

Telling me things you think I want to hear

Is it not enough

I doctored you for months

For you to discard me

At my first slight fatigue

And now you haunt me

In dreams and in my shadow

After reprieve of silence

Still in the quiet

You order me to fall

Drifting deeper

Within your beck and call

I ask you now

Why must this be

Have I not earned my leave

While you glide

further to the sky

I am left in mud and mire

You touch me on your will and desire

I crumble to dirt

Against the stone of my birth

You will not speak to me

But your tongue knows it's cue

For our song is over now

But forever remains in tune

#poetry #new poets society #poem #poets corner #writers on tumblr #spilled ink #prose #writing #writer #original poem #original writing #original poetry

[bukohen]

I looked upon her

Like sunsets in the winter

A farewell till morning

With a darkened sky

And forlorning

#poetry #new poets society #poem #poets corner #writers on tumblr #spilled ink #prose #writing #writer #original poem #original poetry

[bukohen]

I walk these days

With a raincloud over my head

Each step I take

Is a step closer to the end

Will it end? Will it end?

What can I do

To be through

With this hell I'm living in?

I smile at you

And pretend I'm ok

I hide my pain

As you turn and walk away

Will I smile? Will I smile

For once and one day

Finally feel ok?

I lie at night

On my bed wide awake

I think of all

My memories that I hate

Will I sleep? Will I sleep

And be rid of all the things

Everything haunts me?

If I could love

Love someone again

I'd do my best

To not lose them in the end

Will I love? Can I love

Will I ever feel again

Those feelings that you get

That makes life worth every fret?

I want to be okay

I want to wake up and not feel ashamed

Not carry the weight

The weight on my chest

Will I breathe? Will I sigh

And look at life and feel relief?

#poetry #new poets society #poem #poets corner #writers on tumblr #writing #writer #original writing #original #original poetry #original poem #song #lyrics

[bukohen]

It's all in the legs

And in the gut

The hollow emptiness

I lie on my bed

Melting into it

I remember the strength

And now they're worn easier

Quicker

While I'm slower

My legs feel like the marrow has been sucked out

Now brittle tubes

And my stomach feels like

A needle hovering just ever so below the line

Of a quarter tank of gas

Enough to move

But feeling the hunger

I'm like the damned

Pythagorean glass

Getting filled momentarily

Only to be drained instantly

I've become the worker

Slave to the slow handed clock

Waiting for it to free me

To go home to nothing

And sleep until it calls for me again

Like a soldier

Riddled with holes

Bleeding out

Patched up

And meat packed in

To be sent out again

To a battle we're all fighting

But sweat and blood covers our eyes

Most of us don't see we're all in this

We're all fighting the same thing

Some of us fight each other

The damned fools

Some fight for love or money

Some fight

To able to go home

To the nothing

To drink themselves up so that the new day

Ahead of them

Can drain them

So they may drink again

Sometimes I can hear my legs whisper to me

In a thirsty rasp and lips cracked

They beg me

"No more"

No more standing

No more walking

They reach above and grab at my stomach

And weigh it down with them

Slowly the needle limps tired

Towards the empty

#poetry #poem #poets corner #new poets society #writers on tumblr #writer #writing #original poetry #original poem