boyliker444

[boyliker444]

i deserved the bad things that happened to me

[boyliker444]

i was a bad kid

[boyliker444]

even when i try being alone for a bit, no matter how much i know its for the best- i always hope youll keep pushing even if i know its bad for both of us

i dont deserve what i want

my childhood is what i deserved

[boyliker444]

tw

sometimes i wish you pulled the trigger

so that they could say

a homeless teenage hooker

got murdered on this day

[boyliker444]

something i realized is trauma makes it difficult for me to experience attraction sometimes and i think we need to talk about that more

[boyliker444]

july 20 '21 23:51

had one of the best days ever with my friends and i hate splitting.

im going through a part in the cycle where im so scared to fuck up that i numb all my feelings and go through moments of obsession and then moments of hatred. im having sexual insecurities that arent even caused by xavier. i dont even know what theyre caused by. probably just trauma, but i dont really feel comfortable talking about sex with either of my therapists.

i love xavier so much. lately i find i numb my feelings towards him because im so scared of hurting him again, but now im scared that im going to distance myself so far that i'll leave and lose someone i love. lose someone good. he's taking pretty good care of himself right now but not really taking care of me and thats valid. and i think him not taking care of me makes me so fucking angry and makes me feel so unwanted that i numb all my feelings. its easier to think that i dont want him than to admit that i do and that it hurts to see him not focusing on me as much. at the same time, it would be so awful if i acted on any of these feelings. i hate myself. i hate my brain.

i dont want to feel this way. its horrible. i want to be the centre of his world. i want him to worship me. but for me to expect that in place of self care? thats fucking evil. i know this is wrong, which is why i dont act upon any of it and believe im entitled to more than i am. im just so fucking angry with myself. i feel like a bad person. i hate myself. i hate my brain.

[boyliker444]

your childhood friends R going to live in ur head and whack your brain with a pickaxe repeatedly forever and ever. this is true

[boyliker444]

Let go or be dragged, I suppose

instagram | prints

[boyliker444]

yeah <3

[boyliker444]

i hate being trans

[boyliker444]

i want to feel protected i dont feel protected i feel like shit

[boyliker444]

yeah you were making a joke but all i heard is "youre the opposite of whats lovable"

[boyliker444]

lmao did you really have to say that. im. did you really have to say that. you of all people should understand how shitty that would make someone feel why did you say that whyyyy did you say that i want to die

[boyliker444]

Piano cat sticker by Sandlyion

[boyliker444]

friday july 16 '21 00:32 tw r*pe, m*lestation and ab*se (dnr, its a vent)

the trauma from last year is catching up again. emotional trauma. he didnt know what he was doing. he doesnt even remember anything from that time period and i dont remember much either. i just remember being made to feel like sex was an ultimatum, whether he intended that or not.

i cant let myself b*tt*m anymore without severe guilt and disgust with myself. i thought maybe thats because of my trauma from being r*ped and m*lested. i think a lot of it is, but how come before those things happened with xavier, i was able to do those things to myself without feeling too bad? maybe it was because i was still repressing a lot of it. the more i do those things with myself the more i remember about people who hurt me and the more i remember what it feels like to have someone i dont want inside me.

after writing that paragraph i dont think the things xavier said is the cause of me feeling dirty and then dissociating after that. i think the problem is i feel like im not allowed to want to b*tt*m. so, i just never want it because i dont let myself think about it. theres this awful guilt and feeling of not deserving the attention on top of the feeling of trauma i get that comes from people who hurt me sexually.

warning: next paragraph gets graphic because i cant stop thinking about it and i have no one to talk to about it

not all of it is xavier's fault. most of it isnt, actually. if none of those other bad things happened to me, i wouldnt have been as impacted by what xavier said and how he acted. that being said, its not my fault either. i never did anything to deserve men taking advantage of me while i was a homeless 16 year old looking for drugs. i never did anything to deserve my uncle ripping my tights and f*ngering r*ping me in the backseat.

i think i cant b*tt*m is because i cant believe anyone would want that of me unless they are forcing me. when im given the choice to top or b*tt*m i will always want to top because i dont know if i can bring myself to bottom (which means admitting to my body much more) without being forced. on top of my trauma, xavier made me topping an ultimatum in our relationship last year. and he doesnt think that way anymore and has since apologized, but the scar is still there.

anyway it feels good to talk about my uncle. bad, because it was bad, but good to finally tell someone i guess.

[boyliker444]

i dont feel like i can express sadness because im scared people will think its a ploy or a test

[boyliker444]

i selfishly manipulate others into showing they care