bohemianethos
bohemian ethos
❁ spread love and take the time you need to nourish your soul. ❁
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I promised him I’d love him forever.
He’s gone and I can’t get myself to break it.
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I live for the morning.
Petrichor stains my senses like watercolor on a clay vase. Dripping with vibrance
The sun peeks through the cloudy sky as I take my first sip of coffee. There’s nothing alike
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Each day passes on with little meaning.
And somehow, new memories regret to stay
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I just want to be happy again. To feel anything but despair and tears running down my skin
Everyday seems harder and harder to make it through. Like the pain never ends
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True sorrow is when you want someone more than they want you.
True sorrow is when you love someone more than they love you.
True sorrow is when you need someone more than they need you.
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Humans of New York - My story
In my life, I've struggled with various mental health disorders and treated myself with nothing but hatred. Recently I've been trying to improve upon myself by adjusting my sleep, medicine, and school work schedules.
When I was about eleven or twelve years old I'd discovered that I was incredibly suicidal and easily influenced by outside forces concerning my self-worth. It seemed like no matter what I did, I'd always felt like there was some sort of a rain cloud over my head. At age 14 I had been diagnosed with severe anxiety and depression but that alone didn't do anything for me. To this day I struggle with chronic stress from emotional abuse and take medicine for a couple mental disorders. I've been told that I'm a walking trauma response, Or even the ruins left afterward.
With this in mind, I've turned to distractions to keep me from dwelling on the past or feeling numb for even just a second. Whats allowed me to kind of lift my feet has been reading novels. I use books to turn to when I want to escape my reality because almost anything seems better than this at times. Specific characters and settings in books allow me to shift my reality just enough to the point where it stops hurting for just a little.
In the past, I've used figure skating as an outlet and I've put all my time and effort into improving myself in that area. This caused me to put myself down and compare myself to other athletes that I practiced with. Every practice I'd cry before I got on the ice because I felt that I was always being judged or even put down by everyone else. This is when decided to take a break. I've just recently returned to the sport I love but I no longer compete or dance in ice shows anymore. I've just recently started to realize what I'm worth and how all of these small things make me even more unique as a whole.
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You.
To you,
How do you stay awake all night gazing up at the stars? So much is waiting for you beyond the walls you've built.
The social isolation. The hurt.
There's more in the world just waiting to be caressed by the tips of your fingers. To be wielded by you and loved as if it's your own. The universe is inside of you. The decisions you make and the things you love are all small but key factors into the big equation that is you. There's no one I adore more than you.
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importance
I'd like to be important. Not to the world but to one person.
Their whole world
I have a couple people that I adore . Is it too much to ask someone to think the same of me?
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it's so easy to deny yourself basic things, like food and sleep, in order to punish yourself. but you deserve better. you deserve tasty foods that make you smile, to sleep in and go to bed early, to be warm and cozy. you never have to "earn" that. you deserve all of that and more just by existing. you're allowed to be kind to yourself. kindness is brave.
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Everything seems so complicated at the moment. Anyone have a really effective distraction or coping mechanism that could help me not think about a certain something?
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I’m not sure if this is selfish to say, but I think of myself as a good person. Yes, I cheated on my boyfriend after being pressured into having sex with another guy. But I’m not going to let that horrible act define me going forward or use it as an excuse to do it again. I’d like to tell the truth and allow it to help me grow as a person and get stronger after that. It’s been so hard and to be honest I’m incredibly ashamed of myself.
But I never want to hurt anyone like him again. No one deserves anything like that. He didn’t do anything wrong that made me want revenge for or anything.
And if I need to tell the whole world and allow others to look down on me just so that I can forgive myself, then so be it.
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Good things are coming.
Good things are coming.
Good things are coming.
Good things are coming.
Good things are coming.
Good things are coming.
Good things are coming.
Good things are coming.
Good things are coming.
Good things are coming.
Good things are coming.
Good things are coming.
Good things are coming.
Good things are coming.
Good things are coming.
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Our inner shadows
Recently I've been reading 'The book of secrets' by Deepak Chopra. There's nothing more soothing than taking in what he has to say about good versus evil, moving on, and detaching yourself from what could potentially harm you.
He has so many simple-minded thoughts he writes about that most people are too overwhelmed to think of in the first place. Our minds move 100 miles a minute and we don't even have time to slow down and think about what we really need to do to improve our situation outside of emotions.
Chopra mentions inner shadows and the void between an event and the initial thought/ emotionally driven response. This so-called gap isn't much of an empty space at all, but more of a quick thought ladder. It passes by so quickly that not one of us can think to slow down and analyze the situation before our brains try to rationalize the event. This is where our morals and ability to abide by our code of ethics gets into play. No matter how "good" or "bad" someone is, these rash decisions are made in the shadow and are much harder to control than anything else. This happens when one is put in an extreme situation and not much thought goes into the actions that follow.
But this brings something else to my attention... What is good and bad? What makes a person fit into one of these strict terms?
Here's how I think of it: No one is either of the two.
It's simply a social boundary set to push people in certain directions. No one is purely good or bad but a healthy mix of both. One's ability to stay strict to their beliefs is what allows one to stay "good". The self-discipline and respect that lives inside of someone so mentally strong is what makes this.
We all have these shadow beings inside of us. This dark space. But how can we control that and move forward with positive intentions?
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No one cares for you more than your spirit guide. Let it guide and lead you to the decisions best fitting.
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Befriending yourself.
No matter what you go through, there’s always someone that’ll be there for you, and that’s your own self. Treating your body and soul as a friend and someone you’d give anything for is the quickest way to a healthy self-image. Holding one’s self accountable is needed, but dwelling on it and not forgiving those actions may be more damaging than anything. Self-pampering and love will almost always lead to a better attitude and therefore changed outlook on life. Our body’s just a shell that the soul lives inside, so treat it well. It’s lending itself to you so that you can do whatever you’d like. You have the power to do anything as long as you believe. We are higher beings that deserve the best that we can get. But if you don’t treat yourself like you deserve it, then you’ll never get it from another individual.
It’s taken me a very long time to learn this lesson, and I’m still learning it better little by little each day. There’s no point in loving anyone else if you don’t value yourself.
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The world of Coraline
Coraline by Neil Gaiman is an absolute masterpiece. The movie focuses on a young girl who’s unhappy whilst moving into a new home. Not too long after she gets settles, she finds a strange almost doll house sized door that’s locked from her side. Her mother helps Coraline find the key and unlocks the strange door. To her surprise, It’s completely bricked up.
“The Pink Palace” that her family moves into is a large home divided into a couple apartments, So her mother initially assumes its just the divide between the two apartments. Later that night, Coraline wakes up to a small mouse leading her down the stairs and to the mysterious door. It creeks open with a deep purple glow emerging from inside. Coraline climbs through the beautiful and incredibly soft tunnel that leads to an identical door on the other side.
As she peers through the opening, she see’s her own home... but different. There’s a photo of a sad boy in her original apartment, but this one is smiling. Everything is the same except a couple small things that make her very happy. She smells an incredible meal in the kitchen that her mother is cooking. But her mom doesn't know how to cook where she came from. As the woman turns around, she has big black buttons sewn in place of her eyes. Coraline is beyond confused as everyone and everything with eyes have buttons instead.
Her “other” father and mother sit down with Coraline for an incredible meal and a nice cake that says, “welcome home”.
This is the point in the movie when many red flags have popped up but she chooses to ignore every single one. As it states in the book, The tunnel beyond the door feels like its moving and even watching her as she crawls through to the other side. This leads the readers and watchers to realize the severe danger that she’s lead herself into. This is some kind of creature that is looking to lure her inside. Since the movie was meant to be a little less creepy, the directors imitate the state of life inside by the walls emitting light. As Coraline returns home, the tunnel is dark and filled with cobwebs... thus signifying a state of death or danger for Coraline.
Many are fascinated by this thriller and many are horrified of it. In the novel, Wybie Lovat doesn't exist. He lives in one of the neighboring homes and quickly befriends her. So the idea of Coraline being completely alone is absolutely terrifying. The movie was very toned down in the sense or gore details and tried to focus more on the beauty of mystery and how good changes aren’t exactly ideal in the long run.
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