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bluebirdzykaysies · 3 years

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5.14 - day before momma leaves

Goddamnit I hate to admit it but I’m already thinking and crying like a baby in my head once my mom leaves me to go back home to sf. the feeling is mutual like melissa said cause she’ll probably be just as a wreck and all this time I’ve been spending with her, I’m cherishing even more. I’ve never felt like this and Victoria said the same thing; expecting that while I transition. But everyone needs to experience this. I DO, especially. I need the time away for a bit to miss them and I already miss those interactions with my brothers too of just lounging in the living room watching NBA games all night, or youtube videos like its judyslife or ustheduo.

Our lives have changed already and itll be so hard as I am bawling my eyes out, sitting in my newly mounted dining table my mom and I put together, facing outwards my window with the Chicago sun, beaming through at a whopping 54 degrees.

This is my life now, I will be on my own and making decisions on my own. Ive told a few folks that I’m sad yet annoyed my moms time here was a bit much. But I know it was perfect for what it is. We’ve been tired each and everytime, her actions speak volumes and our conversations arent as deep as I want, but I know this quality time was one that will impact my life forever. Even though I hate to admit it or will say this to her face. i love my mom. so much, she means so much to me and my brothers. The amount of things she does unselfishly aka drive my freaking car with just her and hector for 5 days cross country. do what she did to make me help settle, there is no one like her. and I will forever appreciate her and love her.

She is opinionated and still felt like I couldnt decide for myself but this will be also a time where I speak up and use my voice. Saying NO.

ugh the tears keep falling down but some highlights from this past week were:

- Silly vlog videos that I actually may put together when I get the time

- 5/6; arrived - went to container store to buy my elfa shelving for my closet. Super nice lady that worked there Hector spoke to. Went to world market to check out their furniture and standing mirrors. TJ Maxx/HomeGoods and picked up some bathroom essentials, shower curtain, mats and beddings, Facetimed Yan/Ronz/Brent+Rick at night (10pm CST)

Mom stayed with Hector at Courtyard Marriot til Saturday 5/8. So I wanted to stay at the apartment for the first time alone and enjoy the moment and soak it all in. Parking at my garage alone, randomly waking up to the SUNRISE at 545am and just being in awe of my new city... I could just cry

Didn’t get my wifi set up yet so the struggle was real a bit. The air mattress we got from costco has been tough to sleep on but eventually Ill get my mattress. Just have been torn with my furniture not being here since everything was rushed and happened so quickly. Learnings from the move thus far:

-Write a damn list, I DID NOT. Aka thats why a bunch of junk and unnecessary things were with my mom and hector in the car. All couldve been bought here. I ocouldve taken more clothes and shoes

-Alot of my clothes aka my favorite jean jacket and pink/mauve henley was left at home. My running shoes - I decided not to prioritize idk fucking why *rolls eyes* and alot of my other valuables. Brendan is nice enough to ship it. Its not worth to buy a RT flight and go there and take it all back with me... no. :( I would though tbh if I was in LA. lol make couple trips but I’m far enough that its like.... whewww is it worth but one day I will come back and visit. For now, its slated for Oct

5/7 Friday; I had it off started the day late at 12pm and booked my mom, hector and myself tickets to the skydeck. my mom was HILARIOUS, she was scared at first and thought it would be a huge platform to see under but once she saw its just a small piece of glass over 105 floors, it wasnt THAT bad. Her and hector are hilarious together and annoying a little LOL. but I guess they’re cute

Went to Wrigley Field while there was a game and that was an experience. Fans at the top of their houses, Security all over the block, streets closed, fans everywhere. Its such a historical building in the middle of a freaking neighborhood so it made itself unique vs att/oracle park being so secluded down in mission bay.

RPM Steak for dinner in River North. Valet’d the car and Hector treated us to a Missouri Steak? it was bomb though but I wanted Medium and he wanted medium rare... cream of spinach, mac and cheese, asparagus and for dessert topped with a Baked Alaskan. Whatever that is. (It was good) and my first time trying it.. me and mom. Our waitor was a nice lady in her 30s, gave me tori kelly vibes. Then another worker stopped by our table who looked filipino for sure (Rox’s ex Dennis look a like) but I already for got his name. He told us how he lived in West Town too and would eat at this bomb restaurant called “Uncle Mikes” maybe the ‘superstar’ of chicago :) hectors jokes were a bit much saying climbing up the coconut tree and asking if he can make halo halo in the back for dessert. No sir....

5/8 Saturday; Plan was to visit Macys downtown to check out furniture at around 930am. But they werent open til 11am. We checked out the Bean at Millenium Park and my mom got to see all the tulips and flowers. We waited in line for a while at Stans Donuts since Wildberry was just too WILD and packed, so we walked a block down and had ourselves some coffee and donuts for the day. After we headed to Macys and were greeted by a tall man name Hilary. he’s THEEE BEST. he knew we didnt have to buy anything from him at macys but he’s such a sales guy and has been in this business for so long that he kept tlaking about Quality of furniture and making yourself feel comfy and at home. Being in a small apt, or living out alone for the first time, separating each section once winter hits so you’re not bored out of your mind in the small place. He was so friendly and nice, I took his business card. Went to Ashley’s on the way to the airport and got gas. Feel in love with the small dinette table they had but the one I’m sitting on now I feel like is just perfect. Soletren couch will forever be out of stock and I will never let this go :( honestly dont know how itll fit in my door but i guess i will settle for something reasonable and decent in size

IVE BEEN SPENDING SO MUCH MONEY. . . . . . . I cant even. I got paid today so todays check will be sponsoring all of my credit card funds. Gna just pay it off in full so I dont have to deal with it. But going forward a budget will be set. and luckily some of the things I bought work can reimburse so I’ll do expenses sunday perhaps.

Saturday evening after dropping off hector, we did errands in the suburbs and went to a walmart. a bit ghetto lookin but its fine. Decided to go to costco after but had an incidentn with this white man who bumped my car and didnt apologize. I was going to say something but we’re so far out in the suburbs Idk what the hell he wouldve done to me. And if they’re racist out there. took the long way home and it was prob not through the safest neighbor hoods but my mom didnt have to know since traffic on the freeway was just ALOT. omg and the roads are just so bumpy, my poor car. Becca said she has a guy at a shop her family always goes to so hopefuully I wont need him but just nice to know the option is there.

Went to the costco up by roscoe village and bought food and more essentials like medicine i have a whole pharmacy. again throughout all this, my mom is the MVP. I wouldve been like, Ill go get it when I need it vs mom stocking up beforehand. We ended up setting my living room with a japanese style seating using my elfa shelving as the table and a towel over it. Leftovers from RPM for dinner and ribs/salad from costco. (I keep eating, and we’re not walking alot so....... I’m def gaining wait and will need to lose this asap)

I’ll be back more to cover this past week; mothers day, ikea, seafood city, hanging with becca, azul mariscos, drunk at ross and dollar tree, pants falling (mom) unbuttoned pants cuz we’re so ‘stuffffffed’ hanging with the boys via facetime cause I do miss them :( I need to havea schedule with them.

kk toodles. time to go back to work. no more crying (maybe) then an architecture tour with my mom <3 and dinner at a steakhouse at MJ’s on Michigan Ave BYeeeee

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bluebirdzykaysies · 7 years

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I'm back for a little

Np; 'how far i'll go' - alessia cara 11.4.16| 1243am So many thoughts going through my mind. First everytime I see photos of places I want to visit.. I ask myself why am I not doing it. What's holding me back foreal? I wanna go.. Why can't I just go? I feel like I'm not able to do what I want when it comes to travelling but I want to be here at home at the same time saving money spending time with family. Sometimes I also wish I had that one guy to support me. To love me and tell me everything is gonna be okay. Cause sometimes I can't even get that from my own family you know? All the talks I've been having with ate kaykay from wanting to have a family, being the eldest, my past it's crazy man life is crazy. I know what I'm capable of. But it's hard when you're on a microscope and you don't allow anyone to help you. I think that goes for shit at work as well. So used to doing things on my own and my way and not thinking things will work out if someone just helps. And then when travelling comes into play that's when i want to hide from my problems. These late nights are so necessary so I let my mind go in its rambling phases but it's also just talk cuz come the next day or few weeks or months or years am I gonna be just bitching about where I am in life or actually do something to change it? Moms out of town for the whole week and I can't believe she fully trusts me being around Papu. I love that. She sees me being responsible. She trusts me that I've been watching her take care of Papu and that I'm growing up. It does make me feel good but it won't hurt to show appreciation of it but again who in our family shows that affection. I don't wanna say I'm hurt or sensitive to the fact but it's nice to hear it sometimes.. A thank you.. A gesture.. An I love you.. But it goes both ways. She's getting old as well. And meanwhile my dad just has a broken car in the shop. Not helping with shit and just watching sitting down on the tv with NHK on. I spoke to my coworker Lauren the other day how we both don't have that man role model. It sucks being the oldest you know? You kind of create and pave the road for yourself. You don't have an older sibling to follow or kind of guide your path into your own. You're the damn Guinea pig and you are used and abused at times and left with a shitload on your place. If I could change my childhood to what I would imagined it be... I would tell my younger self Angelica, Sometimes love can be broken. It's not the prettiest thing but when it blooms you'll see it and you'll feel it. It looks different from another persons eyes. Our perception is different in our own way, but that's okay. That's when you'll learn what love really is, for you. Not anyone else. It's blinding. It'll be painful. You may seem crazy and it'll leave you with sleepless nights and soaked up pillows. A lot of tossing and turning and reminiscing. But you know what, you won't regret that at all. It has made you who you are. It'll teach you a lot of things. It'll help refocus you to things that actually can be and need fixing. Your parents won't always be the ones that are there for you. Your support system can and will consist of their siblings. (I.e Tita merle, uncle gen, Tita Dain, uncle Duddley, uncle lito, tits ronnie) lean on them and talk to them. Bond with them a little. When your mom is working her butt off and your dad is travelling, kisten to your mom and don't give her a hard time. Be respectful and treat her how you want to be treated. Don't take that time with her for granted. Don't push people away. When someone does nice things for you, thank them and return the favor. Finish what you started and support your kids 100% in whatever they believe in. Watch them play sports so they know you have your back. Hug your mommy and daddy when they get home from a trip or home from work. Show your affection more. You won't regret it. Although mommy was a single woman taking care of me on my own. She's shown me strength. Her and Tita Dain. Tita merle too.you can get over any obstacle thrown at you. No matter what people say and how they are nagging... Prove them wrong. I won't be the woman I am today with those people listed above. Thank you for always believing in me. Although I don't hear it so much from my dad. I guess that's just a reflect On of how I treat him. He's the one I get no showing emotions from. You can teach mommy things too .. Like telling her not to care about what people think of you and doing what you want in life. We all may be a little selfish but you're right, sacrifice takes a lot of patience and will. I just hope like Tita merle said the other day, what I'm doing now will just be repaid one day. I won't see it quite yet but I know God will bless me. I'm not expecting anything but I just know one day all of this pain and hardship and lessons I will go back to this time in my life and think, I really thought I had it bad huh? And say that this shit is nothing and things could be worse but let's stay on track and be optimistic shall we? It's getting late and I don't wanna show up to work with puffy ass eyebags. On this day... The Cubs finally won the World Series after 108 years The Warriors with Kevin durant beat the OKC thunder in their first match up of the season since the durant trade. Lauren is our new lead and Julian moved to San Diego. Mom is in sac for training and my brothers are sick and I might not get sick I better not I'm going to dinner for Fions bday with jasper Colleen and all her friends in emeryville. I should get dolled up cuz when's the last time I dressed up cute and cared. I'm fat again so I need to start doing doubles.hawaii is 3 months away.. I can't be a fat lard. Take care of yourself woman. Gnight world. Be good to others Kay? Love

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