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[beepboopbirb]

Autistic Life Tips

Life pro tip: Don't read the comments. Don't click that post that makes you feel seen. To be seen is not to be found. To be seen is to be blamed. To be known is to be judged.

Autism as an excuse, the comments will say. Autism as a mistake. Autism as a scourge, but with nuance. And it will be like being forced to stare. Made to look into the eyes of loud anger. Don't look at them.

#writing #poetry #actuallyautistic #autismacceptance

[beepboopbirb]

The Time to Be Stupid

The time to be stupid was fifteen years ago To ask questions, to not know That's what growing up was for Except, I was punished for not knowing Always a failure, always an idiot Nod along to the rhythm of their anger

So now is my time to be stupid To irritate, to frustrate, to annoy A burden none of them deserve Mistakes intolerable—unacceptable Lost and alone and shamefully behind I've gotten too big to win hide-and-seek

#writing #poetry #actuallyautistic #autismacceptance

[beepboopbirb]

i just can't seem to understand

"Can you rephrase the question, please?" I ask, and i shapeshift into a child the world suddenly seems so much bigger every word a new vocabulary pop quiz

Sentences make houses Houses with bridges and windows And neighbourhoods and parks but this house refuses to stand straight

the beams are too long and too short too wide and too narrow and too flimsy carpenter's joints that don't fit together i just can't seem to understand

#writing #poetry #actuallyautistic #autismacceptance

[beepboopbirb]

Special Interests

I fall hard and fast and burn Scorching bonfire blooming Leaving white ash foundations That blow away on the breeze And another home collapses

These days, I try not to burn I try not to care enough to build Walking past the places I could love Abandoning ship before it catches A nomad, just in case

#writing #poetry #actuallyautistic #autismacceptance

[beepboopbirb]

Hum...

The low hum of the bathroom exhaust fan Hums through the wall Hums through my head Hummmmmmmmmmm...

Like earmuffs inside my ear canals I know it's not actually getting louder Yet the hum seems to snake closer Hummmmmmmmmmmm...

Grabbing hold of my brain in hands Of down and static and hot ice Slid between my scalp and my skull Hummmmmmmmmmmmm...

Then with a click, the blur vanishes The fan is turned off, having done its job A brick I had not noticed is taken off my head .....................................................

#writing #poetry #actuallyautistic #autismacceptance

[beepboopbirb]

Target

Sometimes, I do not know If you are making fun of me What I do know is that it is best To err on the side of forgiving I also know this makes me An unguarded target

And I know arrows hit their mark Even if the bullseye does not see And I know damage is done Even though the hide cannot feel And I know the bolt is then retrieved To be fired again

#writing #poetry #actuallyautistic #autismacceptance

[beepboopbirb]

Her Smile

She wears a smile, Her smile, That childish, practiced smile, That eyes-squinting-head-tipped-back smile, That cutesy, innocent, beaming smile, The one she knows can make almost anyone do almost anything, That adults can't help but light up to, Her edited-in-a-mirror smile, Her calculated, formulated smile, Her smile, She tells herself to wear a smile, She tells her eyebrows and her eyes and her cheeks and her lips and her neck to smile, She watches other people to mold her smile, She revises and improves her smile, She learns when to smile, why humans smile, That smile.

#writing #poetry #actuallyautistic #autismacceptance

[beepboopbirb]

Mui

I'm trying to be the older one I'm trying to share the things I've done But here you are, so grown and strong You didn't need me, all along

You're going to have your license soon You've found a boy that makes you swoon You live away from home with friends You shop alone and track your spends

I promised I would be your guide Yet here I am, still stuck inside Too sensitive to face a crowd Too scared to go where it gets loud

Afraid of cars, stressed out by cash Convinced I'll always be too brash Romance is textbook stuff to me You're so much more than I can be

Go on then, blaze your winding trail Go make mistakes and learn to fail I'm here if you need to confide I love you, you're my hope and pride

#writing #poetry #iambic quadrameter #actuallyautistic #autismacceptance #family

[beepboopbirb]

Autistic Memory

In this head, the librarian does her job begrudgingly. She is an archivist, you see, and she does not understand the difference.

She sorts and preserves and files everything away in her vault. She hoards memories and numbers and dates and songs and voices and facts and license plates, collecting everything, always collecting. The moment she receives something new, she is trying to put it away.

These shelves were not designed for retrieval. She has too much to preserve, after all. New sensations and words and dreams and patterns, every moment of every day. Pages sometimes spill from her alphabetized piles, coming alive to check themselves out of the library. And because she loves them, she lets them fly free.

Should you ask that she find something, she will sigh, or groan, or shrug her shoulders high. There is no catalogue. She can try, but this labyrinth is not friendly to those who wish to take. You will promise to return it, tell her the library was made for borrowing, and she will tell you to stop yapping so she can think. She will stumble to a towering bookcase that does not seem to end. She is fairly certain this is the right place. And she will begin tossing things from the shelf.

If you order a book by mail, don't expect it to arrive. The archivist does not check the mailbox. This is a castle to her, you must understand, a fortress in which to hide her treasures. And even if she does receive your letter, she will do the one thing she knows how to do: she will file it away with all the other mail orders and timed reminders that will never come to fruition.

#writing #poetry #prose poem #actuallyautistic #autismacceptance

[beepboopbirb]

The Goldfish

The goldfish gorges itself on the flakes Dropped, accidentally, into its bowl When a slammed door shook the table By instinct, it cannot help but consume

I drink in every drop of anger and cynicism Stray tears splashed up from afar By people I don't know, for things I don't know There's no stopping me from carrying it all

#writing #poetry #actuallyautistic #autismacceptance

[beepboopbirb]

Apart

I try not to let myself wander into thoughts of the future Lest I return, hands filled, with the things that could not be I know where all the lost things go They're here, singing, "you've no one to blame but yourself"

Always treading among leaves and rot Enshrined in shadow and bowed branches The paths you walk are out of my reach They know I cannot belong where they lead

#writing #poetry #actuallyautistic #autismacceptance

[beepboopbirb]

Loudest Voices

If you wish you could feel something other than alien If you wish your daughter could stop running away If you wish your son could tell you where it hurts If you wish your sibling could walk and eat like everyone else If you wish there were a cure

You are not wrong And I am sorry the loudest voices in the room The ones who cannot see your suffering Have deemed your pain immoral Everybody deserves to live, to be heard

Of course you see the light along with the dark Of course you hope things will get better Of course you love and are loved, regardless But sometimes the shadows overwhelm the sunlight You are allowed to wish the forest thinner

#writing #poetry #actuallyautistic #autismacceptance

[beepboopbirb]

Love Song of the Autistic

Did you know? did you know? The love song of the autistic— Look! Can you see the music? can you taste the words? Can you feel the way this world, This foreign, alien world, This home without belonging, Can you feel the way it is worth collecting? Can you find the parts that matter enough to share? Can you sort them by colour or name or sound they make when you tap them? Can you line them up? can you stack them high? Did you know? did you know?

#writing #poetry #actuallyautistic #autismacceptance

[beepboopbirb]

Autism Math

I am of the belief that love multiplies That when you give it away You do not subtract from yourself But I'm starting to feel (Or have always felt, and finally admit) There is a limit to this addition

I've been carved to pieces loving Divided up to nourish others To sit on their shoulder and care Unequal makes a comfortable bed I'm tired without holding my tired Without holding myself

#writing #poetry #actuallyautistic #autismacceptance

[beepboopbirb]

Security Engineer

People tell me to view myself as a protector

But to protect is to define an "other"

And I fear, as I often do,

That I might misstep

I think I fear cynicism more than failure

#writing #poetry #actuallyautistic #autismacceptance

[beepboopbirb]

The Ordinary Goddess

I'm sorry for having fooled you Or rather I apologise for not being sorry My friend tells me I've convinced you I am a perfect little girl Insecure, but in a cute way

Happy, happy, happy with life Bright, joyful, flaming, perfect Perfectly loving, perfectly ignorant This perfect little girl

Like those mangas you like so much The shy-but-totally-spotless girls In love with a world that adores her You think your rough edges scare me Perfect girl too perfect for it all Everything goes perfectly For an ordinary goddess

#writing #poetry #actuallymentallyill #actuallyautistic #autismacceptance

[beepboopbirb]

"Nothing is more boring than other people's dreams."

Unfazed by dreamworld logic leap These stories forming while you sleep The world is not quite as it seems I like to hear about your dreams

I thought that meant you'd like to hear About my dreams in which you're near I guess it never clicked for me How boring this would always be

I'm sorry for the waste of time Of breath, of space, of words, of rhyme I'm sorry you're required to care You shouldn't—that was never fair

#writing #poetry #iambic quadrameter #actuallymentallyill #actuallyautistic #autismacceptance