b0ttl3d-up-st4rs

[b0ttl3d-up-st4rs]

there'll be times when I remember what happened and I won't feel much of anything. Other times just a strange sense of curiosity about what he's doing with his life now. And then reminders that feel painful, bringing up tears as I remember what it felt like to put myself in that situation. How I craved to be sexualized because it made me feel wanted, and how even though I felt incredibly scared and uncomfortable and it caused so much trauma, I couldn't help but feel addicted to the feeling of being wanted and the adrenaline that came with feeling scared. And it's hard because in a way I could see myself falling down that path again easily, even as an adult now, because even as I've grown there's still that buried instinct within myself that wants to be hurt again. It's not good, and I've been doing a good job of avoiding it and preventing myself from real danger through just engaging in fiction that helps get a similar feeling without the threat of it being real (allowing me to walk away if needed and choose MY boundaries myself, I guess), but sometimes i still miss the feeling of being actually wanted. Sometimes I miss feeling like shit because of it.

#vent #still we prevail tho!! #actually traumatized #actually abused #online csa survivor

[b0ttl3d-up-st4rs]

Started taking Ritalin today for my ADHD (first ever time trying medication for it) and ngl kinda freaking out. Kinda not having a good time. Tbh.

#vent #why is this hell on earth #lowkey #:(

[b0ttl3d-up-st4rs]

sorry for sexualizing myself as a form of self harm that wasnt very cute feminine artsy catboy of me

[b0ttl3d-up-st4rs]

Your trauma is valid if it made you sex repulsed.

Your trauma is valid if it made you hypersexual.

Your trauma is valid if it made you both or you fluctuate.

Your trauma is valid.

[b0ttl3d-up-st4rs]

Any asexuals here that have libido or are hypersexual and it makes them dissociate to extreme levels.

I know sexual urges are normal, trust me. But personally I don't what them. And what's worse is being hypersexual means it's out of my control.

When i have urges or masturbate, it feels like it's not me. I felt more liberated those couple years I wasn't having any sexual urges, then I do now.

And I'm happy that the world is normalizing sex, but everywhere I go to find help, I only get dismissed because aparently now it's abnormal to not want to have sexual urges.

And if I go to do research about how to fight hypersexuality or gain control over my body and life, it's all religious spouting nonsense and shaming people cause they consider it a sin.

I've already tried those tips and tricks that people say to ignore the urges. But is still hate that their still there and they make me have anxiety.

Anybody know about a operation or procedure that can remove libido? I'm not interested in it being apart of my life.

Please tell me there are other hypersexual asexuals that experience depersonalization and derealisation from having libido. Or is there smth wrong with me?

Submitted April 15, 2023

#tw sex mention #YEAH #idk if i dissociate about it but i def dont like my libido being so high and out of control and i wish it was as low as it was before #before i was on antidepressants

[b0ttl3d-up-st4rs]

(hops into time machine to yell this @ my younger self)

[b0ttl3d-up-st4rs]

If a child is so afraid of getting in trouble that they don't come to their parents when they make a mistake that could possibly put their health or even their life in danger, then those parents have failed.

If something goes wrong, and the first thing that child thinks is, "oh god, my parents are gonna kill me," then the parents have failed.

If a child is afraid of their parents, if the child sees their parents as an active threat instead of a source of safety and guidance, then the parents have failed.

A parents job is to protect, to teach, to guide.

If a parent makes themself a danger to the child, in any capacity, then that parent has failed.

[b0ttl3d-up-st4rs]

say it with me. your trauma is valid even if:

the ones who hurt you were/are traumatized individuals.

you are/appear functional.

it was not caused by a romantic partner or family member.

“it could have been avoided”.

no one knows about it.

“it’s not that bad”

other people had it worse.

someone went through the same experience and does not feel debilitated by it.

it occurred a long time ago / you feel just fine now.

the ones who hurt you have apologized.

be gentle with yourself today, folks. feel free to add.

[b0ttl3d-up-st4rs]

As an adult still living with their abusive parent, I often find that affirmations meant to empower me are unhelpful at best. They often feel like they're overstating the amount of agency I have as an adult; I've spent my entire life being abused. It's all I know and I have a lifetime of conditioning and nervous system damage to show for it.

All that doesn't just go away now that I'm older than 18, and neither do the material circumstances that keep me here. Even though I have more legal rights and have grown since I was younger, I am still not in control by the very nature of being the victim in an abusive relationship. So, for those who relate, here are some affirmations that might hit different:

My abuser does not have my best interests in mind, even if they think they do.

I am my own person; my mind and body belong to me.

My feelings are justified, and I deserve to feel and express them.

I am doing what I need to survive, and that is all I need to do.

I am doing my best given the knowledge, resources, and support I have.

I am the only person who can decide what is best for me.

My situation is unfair and wrong. I deserve to be happy and safe.

I do not have to engage in toxic positivity; that will only hurt me.

As long as I am alive, there is something good in this life for me - no matter how small.

I have inherent rights just because I exist.

I shouldn't have to deal with this on my own; I deserve support and protection.

Everything I need is something I deserve. Everything I deserve is something I need.

If any of these don't resonate, feel free to discard them. Everyone finds comfort and empowerment differently.

[b0ttl3d-up-st4rs]

Abusive parents teach you to hide and be ashamed of your problems so heavily that by the time you get trauma symptoms, it doesn't even cross your mind that this is something serious that you should tell someone and ask for help with. All that crosses your mind is 'fuck, how do I hide this from everyone.'

[b0ttl3d-up-st4rs]

abusers will go 'it makes me feel sooo upset when you live your life the way you want to and do the things you want to do, actually what you're doing is victimizing me by not existing only as a support and validation to me you are so abusive and selfish and you should think more about how your sense of freedom and boundaries is negatively effecting me'

[b0ttl3d-up-st4rs]

As someone who survived a very toxic and abusive parent who has NPD, I'm so seriously sick and tired of the "narcissistic abuse" crowd.

Stop stigmatizing mental illnesses. Stop demonizing personality disorders. Abusive people are abusive because they're abusive, not because they have psychiatric conditions.

[b0ttl3d-up-st4rs]

It's terrible knowing that if I ever show sadness or show anything emotion that's not positive towards anything whether it's my fault or not I'll either get blamed for it or told that my emotions are irrational.

[b0ttl3d-up-st4rs]

anytime i think about my parents comforting me it actually makes me physically ill

[b0ttl3d-up-st4rs]

toxic parents will traumatize you and act surprised when you act like you've been traumatized

[b0ttl3d-up-st4rs]

I just feel such an incredible sense of grief when I look at people who have a good relationship with their parents.

#vent #emotional abuse #emotional neglect #actually abused #cptsd #abusive parents #me when my mom is emotionally abusive and my dad is emotionally neglectful #like why has my mom deadass attempted to gaslight me and my dad is just an npc #bro doesnt speak unless spoken to or if its necessary to the plot #mommy issues #daddy issues

[b0ttl3d-up-st4rs]

I hate that the antidepressants I've been on have caused my libido to skyrocket. It's annoying as hell, and honestly it might be so bad that it's made me hypersexual. Yes, the meds make me feel not depressed all the time and less agitated, but at what cost? I also heard that taking testosterone increases libido on its own, and even though I really want to be able to take it one day I am scared of this getting worse.

And it's even more strange, because I look back on when I was online groomed when I was a younger teenager, and I just don't feel as upset as I did. It is upsetting, and what happened was gross, but it's hard to feel any strong emotion towards it anymore other than a logical reaction of "damn yeah that was fucked up". And part of me feels like if older men said those things to me now, that I'm 18 and medicated, if I would feel bad about it or just horny. But then again, when I first turned 18 I briefly got tinder for a couple of months and got freaked out the one time someone asked for nudes and another time when someone wanted to actually meet up in real life for a date. Like I was actually shaking like I used to when I was 15 and getting inappropriate messages from adults. And when I had tinder briefly, it was from people my own age. Maybe the medication just makes things easier to repress and/or sort of sexualize to help my brain cope with what happened, but the second it seems to be actually repeated irl the warning alarms return and it's like I'm reliving it all over again. Idk.

It's just so fucking weird, and I feel so gross for experiencing this, and being on the asexual spectrum makes things even more fucking confusing when it comes to this. And. Idk. I just wish the meds lowered my libido instead of increasing it. Because this is just frustrating and I don't like it.

#vent #tw sex #tw online csa #actually traumatized #ptsd #cptsd #depression #hypersexual ? #online grooming #antidepressants #actually ptsd #actually abused #we ruminating this fine wednesday morning