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authentically-ellie · 2 years

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Today is February 1st 2022.

Things have been hard for a long time and today I start a routine to be productive and I’m hoping from these small mundane tasks I can find some awakening and remember who I am. Right now I’m burdened with the fact that I feel like a terrible mother a terrible friend and over all my depression and other mental problems are over all kicking my butt. I need to help myself get up and remember that there is more to my life then laying in bed waiting for the days to change. That my kids are loud but they won’t be for long and I’m missing them in their smallness because sadness is taking over my mind and my emotions.

I already don’t know how this is gonna go because I haven’t slept tonight and my alarm is going to go off in 2 and a half hours. But I need to be determined to make this work. Today I need to find some change in myself. Because I’ve been struggling for a long time and it’s time consuming. Today, I change.

So day one is going to look like a lot of self searching. Im gonna start with a morning routine at the bright hour of 6am.

From there im gonna get my girls dressed, morning routine for them too.

Then im gonna start my laundry and trying to get my life back on track. I’ll vacuum and try to spend some time with each of my girls. Then by 5:45 I’ll have them at Shawn’s to bathe and hopefully back home and in bed by 7:30pm.

Im starting loosely. I only really know what time I want to start and by when I want it to be over. Today is mainly going to be damage control because it’s been quite a while since I’ve had a routine to go by and my life has started to feel a little chaotic.

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authentically-ellie · 3 years

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I’ve hid bruises to ensure my daughter had a comfortable place to sleep at night. I’ve lost days as a mother working to support a man who didn’t help me with a dime.

Don’t ever question my devotion as a mother.

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authentically-ellie · 3 years

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change..

okay, okay I’ll be the first to admit that i hate change. I hate big change, little change, uncomfortable change, needed change, anything. Recently I have found myself really standing around at the gates of change when I know I should be going in.

I am so scared of what this next chapter of my life is really going to look like. My relationships have managed to come crumbling down around me and as tightly as I held on to them I woke up one day and just simply thought, this isn’t for me anymore. In a desperate attempt to save my own life I did the only thing I knew how to do, I hid within the walls of my mind until it was safe to come back out again.

Looking back I deeply wish I had done something else because in the end I lost so much more than what I was expecting. I am now officially navigating this new land with a baby on my back and scared that the monsters could jump out from just about anywhere. At the end of the day I am trying to remind myself that I am not the choices of others. Little of what they choose to do has to do with me. In the absence a heart grows fonder. Fonder of the silence of the peace. The comfort of four walls and a daughter could bring me. In the absence of the constant calls and judgment. Absence of the fear of not having anything to say when the situation calls on my voice for support and acknowledgment and instead i only read silence.

Continuing on with the idea of “loss”, I have found that no matter how deeply you think you may love someone you can wake up and simply not want anything to do with them or anyone ever again. It’s scary when you can feel yourself outgrowing someone. The changes are so subtle at first and it feels like nothing more than just wanting space, then you find yourself ignoring calls and texts. Suddenly everything comes to a head and it becomes deafening, you no longer fit into the situations that once brought you comfort.

I’ve found that love can be quite a fickle thing, the same thing that brought you great peace can eventually be the same thing you dread. This year I’ve been experiencing more and more of this feeling of breaking free. Things I hadn’t realized were taking a toll on me seemed to be all around me and since the departure of it all I’ve really found this amazing peace and self-evaluation.

In the weakest of my moments I resented the life I carry inside me. Carbon copies of the people in my past, i hated the child I carried into my home. Made in the moments rather to be forgotten, I reluctantly reminded myself that the same as the child i carry, i was also unwanted and ultimately it resulted in the many insecurities I currently face day to day. With that in mind I really need to hold myself accountable for the damages I’ve inflicted and just really come to terms with the fact that even though I am pro-choice, I chose life. Regardless of what this may look like from the outside, there are no fingers to point and even if there were i would never be the unborn’s fault.

over all, losing friends, love, hope and even myself I have gained so much more. I have really been able to take some needed time to truly heal and ground myself. I find myself looking in the mirror and really accepting that sometimes I am the problem and in these moments I have learned when my feelings have been in the way and have not only made me stubborn to admit when I am wrong, but over all stunted my emotional growth. It has been hard and I still have so much to learn and gain but it feels like so far I am on the right path.

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authentically-ellie · 4 years

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An awkward hello from an awkward woman.

I swear this is like the 800th time I’ve started a tumblr and some how the first post is always intimating. It honestly baffles me how not comfortable I am at these, FIRST POST things. Like am I supposed to introduce myself?

Let’s just start there. My names Michelle (please, call me Elle) I’m 24 I like the color yellow. I’m a mom to an amazingly beautiful little girl Aralee. That’s Air-ruh-lee not Are-A-lee I don’t like that. Aralee just turned one in July.

We’ve been in a series of terrible situations and we are currently relocated back to my moms house. My adopted mom. I got fired, I’m stressed out and long story short let’s just say I never quite make the best decisions.

The father of my child his name is James and long story short he makes me want to rip my face off but since stuff like that is frowned upon I just kind of float around maintaining the area while he goes and messes everything up.

James is an addict. I was once an addict but now I live a life of sobriety and I’ve been clean for over a year. While James his longest streak has been 9 months. While I love him I found I needed to get out of the situation we were in and now I’m living with my mom. Which I already said, like I said, I’m not good at these things.

I don’t want to make this too long. I’ll catch you up as we get to know one another and I hope that we do!

Sincerly, Elle.

#mommy blog #life #babies #kids #parenting #starting over #figuring this stuff out #hopefully y’all care to stop by #like #new blogger #youtube

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