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anxious-existence · 3 years

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Every day pretending liking existence

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anxious-existence · 3 years

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I feel like I am forced to live. Everything I do is because I am supposed to do, not because I enjoy it.

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anxious-existence · 3 years

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I feel like I reached that point where I am detached from everything, and it feels fucking tragic! I want to get out of this miserable state of being, but it feels impossible, like it follows me everywhere, nonstop. It is a scary feeling. What if I endlessly will feel like this ? what if my genuine concerns and emotions will not come back? I am an extremely anxious and highly sensitive individual, who always wished for being carefree and reckless because of my intense emotions that makes my life harder than the average person, but the way I feel now is dreadful.

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anxious-existence · 3 years

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Exposing Body Imperfections

I am not perfect, and my body is not perfect; in fact, no one and nothing is perfect. Yeah, I comprehend these words and even use them as affirmations sometimes, but it is still so fucking hard to believe, especially if you are overly perfectionist. I look at my body every morning in the mirror, checking it, thinking about the parts I would change, and criticizing it to the point of hating it. I have this awful habit (probably most of us have), always comparing it to others and end up finding my body worst of the worst. I am terrified to show it and always hide unwanted parts under the clothes; I specifically choose the clothes that hide my imperfections.

Simultaneously, I feel guilty that I can not accept my body and feel pressured by body positive movement and influencers preaching us to accept and love our bodies. No, this does not mean that they should not preach body positivity. In fact, I respect this movement and value the changes it made and still makes by breaking the beauty standards, but some of us perceive another side of the coin as well, which is toxic positivity. Telling me, who dislikes her body for years, to start telling myself that I love and adore my body and that these affirmations will make me feel powerful, bring perpetual peace, and change in me is frustrating and unrealistic because I do not believe these affirmations. I became conscious a long time ago that inner conflict and dissatisfaction about my body and everything, in general, is never-ending, so I have to pretend and feel a false sense of acceptance that is mentally exhausting and negatively affects me. It is like a religion, promising peace and happiness in the end if you pray reeeeealy hard.

Even though I mentioned that I dislike my body, I have my preferred and more realistic way to deal with my insecurities. I am not saying that it works all the time, but at least I do not prevaricate myself, and it feels more authentic. Instead of saying that I admire my body, I look at it and say to myself: Nothing, I say nothing. Because I have no fucking idea how to comfort myself in this. I only criticize. Oh, one thing I say is to accept the fact that dissatisfaction with your body will never end, and it feels better than saying that my body is unique among the uniques.

So, this writing piece is a fight with my critical self to prove that I can expose the body parts that I am so embarrassed about, hoping that she will lose her power. So, here are the shaaaaameful motherfuckers.

1. Saggy Boobs

Ugh, even though my husband loves them, I hate my boobs. They annoy me! Saggy motherfuckers! Actually, not as saggy as you imagined but not as perfect as my perfectionist self imagines. I can't stand that they are not perky and uplifted. The sweat that piles up under the boobs when I exercise is one of the most uncomfortable feelings. Yeah, I wear a sports bra and tried different types, but still, it doesn't hold that good. I do not wear tops or t-shirts that I like because it does not look aesthetically pleasing for me. Sometimes I lift them with my hands and say: ugh, I want them to look like this. Also, sometimes I say to myself: you are young, have no kids, and your boobs look like you fed two kids. At least you would justify it with this reason. What the fuck of the thought?!

2. Cellulitis

Those motherfuckers that look like crumpled paper on my thighs and butt and irk the shit out of me. I can't decide which one I loathe more, cellulitis or boobs. But wait, I hate cellulitis more because I can not hide them in summer. Most of the summer, I try to hide them by not wearing shorts or mini skirts, but I can not hide them if I am on the beach. Sometimes though, I wear shorts as a way of protesting to myself, but it feels uncomfortable. Ugh, the feeling when I touch it; it feels like legos and reminds me that I have them. When I gain weight, they become more visible. Oh, I nearly forgot to mention, cellulitis is more common in women than in men. But who the fuck cares about genetics? Women are expected to be these hot, perfect, flawless beings.

3. Soft skin

As I mentioned above, my perfectionist self wants EVERYTHING perfect, so I want to have this toned, thick, and silky skin on my body, but instead, I have soft and loose skin from losing and gaining weight shit tons of time. I was a curvy girl in my teenage years, but society around me always made sure that I felt fat, giving me the advice to lose weight or would be more problematic in my adult years. So, because society's distorted views on body image had affected me, I lost significant weight (22 pounds); I was 17 at that time. Besides social pressure, the motivator was my husband, whom I had a crush on and thought he liked skinny girls, haha. I was on this insane diet that I invented. I was eating peanuts, one banana, and one apple three times a day for six months, with no exercising. Do not repeat it! Losing weight in an unhealthy way has many negative aftermaths. In my case, my skin loosened, and more cellulitis appeared.

Whoah, I can't believe I exposed the insecurities that make me feel worthless sometimes and have been struggling for many years. I don't know how I feel. Hopefully, these vulnerabilities will not have as much power over me as it currently has, since you already found out what an ugly and imperfect body I have. WoO

Note to me: Please be as compassionate and understanding with yourself as you are with others.

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anxious-existence · 3 years

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Feeling and thought of not gaining all the information from studying pierces my brain, and it’s unbearable. I am so exhausted, anxious, and depressed that I can’t concentrate; I am always in a rush. Working full-time, studying part-time, dealing with myself, and everyday life pulls me down. I am anxious because I am not motivated, and I am not motivated because I am depressed and anxious. I always wanted to study and gain in-depth knowledge because I was always fascinated and galvanized by brilliant people and still am, but I never had the chance when I was a kid or teenager. (though intelligence is inherited, I believe that education expands it and allows its full potential.) So, when I first enrolled in school to get a degree, I was motivated and thought the process would be as I imagined, but no! I never have time to think and go deep in what I study; it feels like I am only taking classes to get a grade and graduate soon; it feels like I am in a rat race. Also, I observed that most of the students are okay with this system, which is sad. Oh, I always complain on Tumblr, but it feels the only place where putting my thoughts out feels safe and nonjudgemental 🧠

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anxious-existence · 3 years

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I feel exhausted. I am losing my mind from doing the same monotonous shit every day. I feel like I am trapped and imprisoned by life and there is no escape. I want to rip off my skin, and the particles of my skin to disperse in emptiness. I feel so breathless mentally and physically that I just wish to disappear. At the same time, I feel guilty because I feel this way, that I can’t toughen up. But also, I realize that I’m a highly sensitive person and I remind myself that this is the reason why I get easily drained than other people. But still, ruminating guilt and understanding never stops.

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anxious-existence · 3 years

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anxious-existence · 3 years

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❤️

RED & ALMODÓVAR

Dark Habits (1983) Women on the Verge of a Nervous Breakdown (1988) All About My Mother (1999) Bad Education (2004) Volver (2006) Julieta (2016) Pain and Glory (2019)

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anxious-existence · 3 years

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anxious-existence · 3 years

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Sometimes I think that gratefulness is such an inauthentic feeling. Nobody is genuinely grateful only for basic needs. We force ourselves to be thankful for those things, so we avoid the pain and suffering of not getting what we desire.

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anxious-existence · 3 years

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You know what is the saddest and frustrating thing about anxiety and depression? No matter how many people tell you that you are good, intelligent, beautiful, and full of potential, you do not believe it, you can not believe it. It is like having an iceberg of doubts and perfectionism inside of you, and no matter how many positive affirmations you throw at it, it does not break, it is unshakable. Either you stop throwing at it and give up or you become a Sisyphus.

#anxitey #anxious #depressing shit #doubt #feelings #sadnees #perfectionism #mental health #thoughts #deep thinking #philosophy #psychology #infj personality #suffering #the strugge is real #overwhelmed #writing #quotes #what if

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anxious-existence · 3 years

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Hey

Who are you?

What you want?

What are you doing with your life?

You are waisting your life

You are confused

You can’t figure shit out

You are lost

You want somebody to tell you how to live

You suffer

You feel worthless

You can’t get out of yourself

Your thoughts and feelings torture you

You want to hide

You want to disappear

You want to avoid existence

You can’t handle the pain anymore

You want to peel and rip off your skin

Existence feels like perpetual cactus prickling

You are fucking angry

You are fucking hurt

You are fucking disappointed

You feel constant guilt

You doubt even your doubts

You don’t trust yourself

You feel you are faking life

You are bored

You feel imprisoned by life

You think to the point of bleeding

You can’t rest

You are always anxious

You are full of insecurities

You dislike life

You want to know everything but know nothing

You are interested in everything but devoted to nothing

You are a messy fucked up creature

You are terrified to end up being nobody

#existence #anxiety #mental health #philosophy #psychology #expressive #writing #feelings #thoughts #life #doubts #confusion #community #support #understanding #what the fuck

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