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another-mentalhealthblog · 3 years

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Saturday, January 8th, 2021

Ringing in the New Year with a lot of thoughts running through my brain.

Right now I’m reading Brene Brown’s book, “Daring Greatly,” and I’m struggling a lot with reading about parenting - and thinking about the way my parent’s parent my brother’s and I. And how I agree and disagree with it.

I love the way my dad parent’s. In my boyfriend’s eyes, my dad parent’s a way a parent “should” parent. And that is - he’s there for you to support you, guide you, help you, etc... but he’s not trying to be your best friend. And he doesn’t punish you, basically “ground” you without grounding you, or treat you/make you feel like you’re 4-5 years younger than you actually are. My dad is my dad. I’m his daughter. He gives me space. I live my life. He lives his life. And I love things that way. Space is healthy for me.

My mom, on the other hand, really grinds my gears and makes me feel a sense of discomfort and anxiety. Let’s take last night, for example.

She asked me to go out and get her wine, because she had a rough day at work. I wasn’t out and about - but I got up off of the couch and went out for her.

Then she came home, and proceeded to talk myself and my dad’s ear off about her hard day at work, over her glass of wine. My poor dad, exhausted and struggling so much about his day. My mom, asked me about my day, but I feel like she really only wants to hear about things that are academic related. My school classes. My job hunting. And only positive things.

She asked me how my job interview went, but Wheel of Fortune was on, and we said we would talk about it after the segment, during the commercial break.

Within literally 2-3 minutes, I guess the thought had slipped her mind. Because she didn’t ask for me to talk about my job interview again.

And this was after she thought it was this up-and-coming Wednesday, and not last Wednesday.

I just hold a lot of hurt, feeling like my past mistakes define me in my mom’s eyes. Not necessarily in my dad’s eyes. I feel like he’s the kind of parent that looks at me and thinks, I made a mistake. But I’m 23 years old. I am not “a mistake,” or a bad person. And I don’t deserve to be treated or punished as if I’m 16, 17, 18 years old again.

Right now - in a nutshell. I feel like I have to accomplish certain things for my mom to accept me and allow me to have more freedom and adult responsibilities again.

I feel like I will never be “free,” or accepted, until I have a full time 9-5 adult job with a salary, that I can use to dump money to my parents until they have almost $7,000 from me. I feel like I will not be accepted until I pass my two college classes and have my degree. I feel like I will not be accepted until I am a person who has their college degree, a full time job, and paid off the debt she owes to her parents.

It hurts my heart that my boyfriend turns 25 in four days, and I turn 24 in four months, and our relationship is driven by what I “can” and “can’t” do in my parents eyes, which has been intensified because of one mistake I made.

One mistake that was driven (no pun intended) by my mental health going off track.

It hurts to not feel accepted or worthy until you have accomplished certain things.

And I think an even deeper source of this hurt is hurt in myself, from myself, for allowing myself to live this way.

I know I will get my degree. I know I will get a full time job. I know I will pay my parents back.

And I know that I can, and should, live in my authenticity and truth, while I do all of those things.

I know that I do not have to act like little miss perfect until I accomplish those things.

I think I might be feeling a little suffocated by myself, for watering myself down.

I need to speak up and talk about myself more. Own my truth. Own my authenticity. As I continue to grow into a better version of myself, for myself.

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another-mentalhealthblog · 3 years

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January 2nd Instagram Post

Within the first few days of 2020, I had shingles. And within the first few hours of 2021, one of my two artificial teeth fell out of my mouth as I bit into the crust of a slice of pizza.

So I guess you can say I’m becoming use to dealing with the unexpected, and with things happening imperfectly, especially right in the beginning of the year.

For those of you that don’t know - I by no means have perfect teeth or a prefect smile. I actually have two artificial teeth next to my two front teeth. And yes, one of them fell out as I was eating pizza last night.

And why the heck am I sharing this with you right now?

Because, “true belonging only happens when we present our authentic, imperfect selves to the world.”

This is one of the quotes I read this morning from Brene Brown’s book, Daring Greatly.

And although it can be difficult and challenging on an app filled with millions of highlight reels...

One of my aspirations for 2021 is to use my Instagram page, my podcast and my brand, as an avenue to finding belonging, through presenting more of my authentic and “imperfect” self to the world.

I hope that if I show up and share more of my authentic and imperfect self through photos, captions and podcast episodes - it will encourage you to do the same.

To be kinder and gentler with yourself, and to appreciate the beauty of your cracks and imperfections.

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another-mentalhealthblog · 3 years

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Dear future Ang,

It is December of 2021, and I am so proud of you for all that you have accomplished this year.

January 2020 started out with you getting shingles. And January 2021 started out with one of your two artificial teeth falling out as you bit into a pizza crust.

But you don’t let the small things and the imperfections of life get you down, as big as they might seem.

You first, conquered your court case. And rolled with the results, whatever they were. That is now, over and done, and you will not make the same mistakes you once did. You have learned your lesson and moved on.

You second, took and passed your two online college classes. You finally have your B.A. in Digital Communications and Social Media from Cabrini.

You third, finally have a “big girl” / “adult” job - that you got in the beginning of 2021 and have stayed at all year long. You learned that life is not about hopping from hourly paid part time job to part time job - and that you can maintain a 9-5 full time job.

You fourth, finally started working towards financial freedom and independence. You made enough money to pay your parents back for the lawyer, for your college classes, and the $1000 you owed Matt. After that, you started saving up to move out. You stopped being a careless and lazy spender, and became a smart and careful saver. (Which sounds lame... but was necessary for your growth.)

2021 was not necessarily about “fun” for you. It was about focus, and growth.

You did it, and I’m proud of you.

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another-mentalhealthblog · 3 years

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Hello, 2021.

I have so many thoughts running through my brain.

As I was reading this morning, I had the urge to stop and think about - what happens if everything this year works out as planned?

Although, 2020 started out with me getting shingles. And 2021 started out with one of my two artificial teeth falling out.

So I’m quite use to things not going as planned. But I feel like my mind can’t take the “What if’s” and the replays of the past anymore.

I’m driving myself crazy.

I have to start thinking about, instead - What if everything I want to happen, happens, and actually works out in my favor?

I feel like my brain goes bonkers when I try to think that way, because it’s so unusual and foreign to me.

Especially since I was always known as the one with “good luck” growing up, and now that’s becoming my perfect older brother - and I’m easily becoming the one with “bad” luck.

Que my tooth falling out as I bit into a pizza crust last night.

I just want so badly to become a better person in 2021. To stop fucking around and get my life back on track.

So I want to write another post as a note to my future self, as if I have already accomplished all of the things I want to accomplish.

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another-mentalhealthblog · 3 years

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Time to thought dump.

First of all, I have my period. So I have cramps. My back hurts. And I’m feeling more anxious that usual. I literally have that closed up, ticklish feeling in my throat right now, like I could start crying in a few seconds.

I want to blame it on my period, which I know makes me more emotional. But I think it’s just because I’m really hurt inside.

I feel like a failure.

I’m 23 years old. Living at my parents house. No money saved up - bank account still being declined and insufficient of funds to cover purchases.

I made one, big mistake, and now I’ve went from 23 years old to 17 years old. Playing board games with my boyfriend in the kitchen, under my parents supervision, until they decide it’s time to go to bed and we can watch TV in the family room.

I don’t have my college degree yet, and the fact that I still have two classes to finish gives me anxiety. I already have anxiety because I think one started a week ago but I didn’t log onto my email to check because I was sad about not getting the job I wanted and also stressed about food shopping and picking up my grandmom for Christmas.

I truly want nothing more than to achieve the goals that I write about in my Start Today journal.

I want to become a new person who has a well paying job. Who is financially stable and doesn’t rely on her parents for money. Who lives on her own and can pay rent and buy groceries and gas and not stress about money or be under her parents supervision 24/7.

I just feel like that person is so far away, and I’m scared that my boyfriend is going to leave me along the way. Because the way things are right now is torturous.

I will be a better person. Trust. Breathe. Take action.

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another-mentalhealthblog · 3 years

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I didn’t get the job - but I refuse to let that get me down.

So, I didn’t get the job. After three interviews and loads of anxious anticipation, I finally got an email back and was notified that they have chosen another person over me. This is something I am not use to at all.

In the eyes of my family and college professors, I am always the best candidate for a position. It was never hard for me to “prove” that to anyone... until now.

One of the last lessons of 2020 I’m learning is that you’re not always the best candidate or the best fit for a position, no matter how cute you look for an interview, or how put together your resume is. I should have known when the guy that was interviewing me crossed his arms during our conversation. He was closed off. Body language is everything, isn’t it?

Anyway. This definitely isn’t how I wanted things to go. I wanted to get the job. I wanted to have good news to tell my family, grandmother’s, aunt and uncle about over Christmas. But instead, I just remain an embarrassing family figure with no news to share. Because if you don’t have a new job, or get a promotion in a new job, or any kind of success story to share - who are you? Nobody. And what are you up to? Nothing.

That makes me feel like a failure. I’m sad. And I don’t want to suppress my sad feelings... but there is no room for me to dwell on them.

I have a photoshoot today. Food shopping to do tomorrow. Picking up my grandmom on Christmas eve. And then Christmas. Four days where I wish the energy of achieving a new job was going to be happily flowing through me.

But it won’t be. And I can’t let that get me down.

I just feel like this Christmas season is filled with things that I’m saying “I can’t let that get me down” about.

Not getting the new job I really wanted. Having to do a big food shopping for my family. Having to drive and pick my grandmom up on Christmas Eve. Having to give up my bedroom for half a week.

Can’t feel my feelings! Can’t let that get me down!

Well you know what? It all sucks. It’s a big suck fest and that’s just how I feel.

But Jen Sincero says!!!

It’s about allowing instead of forcing. It’s about releasing and trusting that if it’s in alignment with our life’s purpose, it will come back to us.

It’s about surrendering and letting the Universe do its thing.

It’s about having faith and gratitude and allowing the Universe to deliver.

It’s about showing up every day with an excellent attitude, doing your best, leaning back, celebrating what is, and steadily working with the grateful expectation and belief that The Universe is sending you a new, more lucrative opportunity.

I have to trust that, although I really wanted this job, it wasn’t for me. It was in the cards for someone else. It wasn’t my time. The Universe has something better in store for me. Something that better aligns with who I am and what I am looking for right now.

I can’t force myself into a new job. I have to release my tight grip on wanting and needing a new job as soon as humanly possible, and trust that a new job will naturally flow into my life when the timing is more... right.

I have to let the Universe deliver, and not stress so much and force so much along the way.

I have to keep showing up every day and doing the things that are making me better. Maybe that’s why I didn’t get the job. Because if I got the job right now, I might fall out of alignment with the great routine I’m developing.

Maybe I need more time to work on myself before I can start working for someone else.

I just have to stay positive and keep focusing on myself. The stress of not knowing if I got the job or not is now off of my shoulders and out of my head. I didn’t get it. Now I can move on to looking for other opportunities, on Monday.

This week is not about applying for jobs. This week is about openly communicating to the Universe that I am grateful that I didn’t get the job, because it wasn’t meant for me. And I am open and ready to accept any other opportunity that comes my way and is more in alignment with who I am.

This week is about focusing on Christmas, helping and spending time with my family.

I’m grateful that I have a photoshoot today, and next week. I’ll food shop tomorrow. I’ll pick up my grandmom on Thursday. I’ll sleep outside of my room for a few days - at least I have somewhere to sleep.

Everything will be okay. Everything will be just fine. Everything will work out as it is supposed to.

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another-mentalhealthblog · 3 years

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Changing my attitude with gratitude.

Blah blah blah. That’s how I felt this morning as I tried to take a cute “Monday” morning boomerang for my Instagram of me pulling the covers over my face.

Why am I not excited for this week?

Christmas is on Friday but all I feel is stress and anxiety. Is this what being an adult is like?

I have a photoshoot at 1pm tomorrow but it’s an hour away and the hour drive to and from is stressing me out because I know it will make me exhausted. But I promised to do it and I need to do it for the money and for more content for my Instagram to hopefully attract more clients for photoshoots.

I’m also super stressed out by having my Grandmom visit for Christmas.

I feel like a little elf this holiday season. Last year, I was an elf for the company I was working for. But that put me in the clear for having to do anything and everything related to my family. Who I love, but can get stressful around the holiday season. As most family’s can.

I feel like a little elf because I made one mistake a few weeks ago, and now I’m indebted to say yes to everything and help out in any which way that I can.

Which means doing the family food shopping yesterday, doing an even bigger food shopping on Wednesday, driving to pick up my grandmom on Thursday, and having my room flip flopped into a “guest room” and taken away from me for my grandmom to stay in for 5-6 days while she stays for Christmas.

I know, this stuff isn’t that bad, so that’s why I’m trying to get my complaining out on here and flip the script to an attitude of gratitude.

First of all, I know there are so many people who do not get to celebrate Christmas with their grandmother’s. So I should be grateful that I can celebrate Christmas with my grandmom, even if it means having to drive a three hour round trip to pick her up, and giving up my room for a few days so she has somewhere to stay.

I also know there are so many people without food and shelter. Not to be dramatic, like my mom was when I was a kid and wouldn’t eat my vegetables at dinner time. I just know I should be more grateful for the food we’re going to eat. Even if I have to be the one to go out and retrieve all of it.

And I should be grateful that I even have a photoshoot at all this week, because I need more new content to attract clients for next week and 2021. So the hour drive to and from is going to suck, but I can just take my makeup off and take a nap when I get home. And everything will be alright.

I’m stressed. But I’m also grateful.

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another-mentalhealthblog · 3 years

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It all started out with a waffle.

Yesterday morning, I woke up relatively early. It was a Saturday, and I woke up before 7am. I believe this was largely because I woke up to the smell of waffles.

My dad made waffles on his waffle iron, something he now does on occasion, but something that he always used to do when I was a kid.

And that’s the thing.

As a kid, after I grew out of eating cereal, I would always eat two waffles with butter, syrup and a glass of apple juice as my breakfast in the morning before going off to school.

As a child, I didn’t think anything of this. I didn’t think about the calories, the carbs, the sugars, the fats... how “healthy” or “unhealthy” it was for me to be eating that at the beginning of every day.

It was just my breakfast, and it tasted delicious. And that’s all that mattered to me.

But somewhere along the way, the relationship that I had with food changed.

It started when I was a sophomore in high school.

I got out of my first, long relationship. Two years. And needed something else to fixate on, I guess. So I turned to my body.

I began to look at myself in the mirror and realize I hadn’t been taking care of myself, and I didn’t like the way I looked. In reality, there was nothing wrong with the way I looked.

But I told myself I had too much fat on my stomach area. And I didn’t like the way my thighs touched.

So I started working out more, eating “cleaner” and “healthier,” and overall... less.

This is when I started to look at food as “good” and “bad,” ... “healthy” and “unhealthy.”

Food went from just being food... to having all of these different labels and categories.

I even had a calendar hung up on my wall where I would circle the date in green if I had a “good” day where I worked out and ate “clean” and “healthy” all day... in yellow if I felt like I slipped up and could’ve done better... or in red if I didn’t work out and didn’t eat within my clean and healthy standards.

All of these things were aimed around one, singular goal, of changing the way my body looked on the outside, so I would feel more confident about myself.

Little did I remember, that there is so much more to being confident than how you look on the outside.

A whopping seven years ago, I also created my first health and fitness blog on Tumblr, called Believe and Achieve. Where I would reblog transformation photos, photos of girls with flat, toned, tanned stomachs, almonds, fruits, vegetables... everything related to weight loss and shrinking yourself smaller.

On February 27, 2013, I wrote a text post, entitled, “Goals.”

My goals were to exercise every day and keep eating healthy meals and snacks. To not let an unmotivated attitude take over me again and make me lose progress. Keep eating healthy and keep exercising. To make money from babysitting to consider paying for a plan to go to the gym more. To go to the gym minimum of twice a week. To not skip more than a day a week and don’t indulge when it’s “really not necessary.”

I said, “It takes three months. By the end of May and the beginning of summer I will be so happy I started now and not then. I have to get there but I have to start now."

I can go on and on and on about the things I used to write on this Tumblr. I used to be so, terribly hard on myself when it came to eating and exercising. Let us just visit two more, shall we?

Another post I wrote was... “A healthy lifestyle sucks somedays, and today is one of them. I hate how i have this huge weight of guilt on my shoulders after eating three moderately poor meals today and not having time to workout this week. I feel like such a failure. i hate feeling so damn bad for eating things that i wouldn’t have considered “unhealthy” this time last year. it’s good that my eyes are opened and I can tell the difference between healthy and unhealthy, but this guilt thing for eating things that I consider unhealthy now and not working out even though I really didn’t have any time is the worst.”

And another post I wrote was... “someone please help. I NEED to know how to not binge :( i literally can’t have sleepovers or go to parties or vacation without over eating crap food and i know that’s not awful to do every once in a while but i feel like this month i’ve been doing it way more than every once in a while, so it’s not “okay” anymore. and all it does is make me feel bad about myself: while im doing it, all night after i do it, and especially the next day, but i keep doing it. and if i binge really bad then i honestly loose my appetite and don’t want to eat the whole next day even though i know my body needs nutrients. i know im wrong, but i feel like all of this binging has wiped away all of my hard work that i started in the spring because honestly my stomach has definitely gotten bigger and i’ve lost sight of the muscle i was building. if anyone took the time to read this please send me an ask with some advice, i need it.”

And one last post: I constantly caught between wanting to eat 100% clean and healthy so that I see more results, and wanting to enjoy life and being a teenager. I know that sounds silly because if I just dedicate myself to eating clean (or at least cleaner than i do now) for a few weeks, I’ll grow into it and it’ll become a habit and i can still “enjoy life” and “be a teenager.” I also know I can make unhealthy choices in moderation here and there too. but I feel like my unhealthy choices (ex, this past week: pizza saturday night, a barbeque dinner and birthday cake sunday night, pizza tuesday night, suki hana yesterday afternoon..) are putting me in a stand still where I exercise enough, but only eat like 50-60% clean.. so its not that im not seeing any results, just enough to satisfy me. because I’m not fully dedicated, because I want to be able to eat what I want and again, enjoy being a teenager. it’s tough.

So I think we understand how poor my relationship with food was seven years ago.

And what has happened since then?

It’s been a roller coaster of ups and downs that would honestly take hours for me to get into.

But I want to fast forward into the present, and talk about my day and night last night, just to show you that change is possible.

So yesterday, I woke up to the smell of waffles. And I will honestly admit that I am still healing my relationship with food, after seven years, because of the internal dialogue that goes on in my head when I smell a food like waffles in the morning.

While this internal dialogue used to be so loud and control the decisions I was making when it came to food, it now a more of a whisper that I can tell to shut the hell up.

It goes a little something like this.

I smell the waffles. I think, “Should I go for it? Or should I eat something healthier - like oatmeal? Or eggs and toast?”

In the past, I would have eaten something “cleaner” or “healthier” to stay “on track” with my goals. Or I would have eaten the waffles and mentally ripped myself to shreds for eating something “unhealthy” and “getting off track.”

But yesterday, I realized how much I have made and am making true growth and progress when it comes to my relationship with food.

Because I reached for not one, but two waffles, without any guilt. I put butter and syrup on them. Even paired them with a cup of coffee with two spoonfuls of dairy free vanilla creamer.

I ate the waffles. Enjoyed every bite. And realized how much growth and progress I have made over the years.

Another thing about yesterday and these waffles was that I knew my family was ordering dinner from The Cheesecake Factory that night.

Normally around this time of year, my family and I spend a day in Philadelphia doing Christmas things and going out to lunch or dinner. Since we couldn’t do that this year because of COVID, we decided to bring the tradition into the safety of our home.

So instead of going out to lunch or dinner, we ordered dinner in from the Cheesecake Factory.

Another proud moment of growth for me.

Because in the past, I would’ve ordered something low calorie, no carb, clean, healthy, etc. Especially when there is a low calorie “skinnylicious” section on the menu.

But the current version of myself wanted a burger. So I ordered a classic burger, with the bun, and french fries. And thought nothing of it, except how much I have grown in my relationship with food, and how excited I was to eat it.

In the past... knowing I had appetizers, a big, fat, burger, and a piece of Linda’s chocolate fudge cake coming for me that night, I would have deprived myself of food during the day, or made sure I ate 110% clean, healthy, low carb and low calorie leading up to the big Christmas she-bang of food at night.

But yesterday... I started the day with waffles. Exercised for my mental health, in a way that felt good to me in the moment. A mix of a 20 minute leg workout, 10 minutes of cycling, 15 minutes of stretching and 5 minutes of meditation.

Had a protein shake after exercising. And did not alter my eating during the day because of what I was going to be eating that night.

Honestly, I don’t know how I got here. I don’t know how I went from being a person who would hate herself if she didn’t eat clean and healthy and workout for 7 days straight. To a person who exercises in such a healthy way, for her mental health, and doesn’t diet or feel guilt around food at all anymore.

Truthfully... I know two of the biggest things that got me here were changing the kinds of people I follow on social media. And allowing myself to break up with the scale, and my old beliefs and habits.

Because we’re humans. We’re meant to grow, change and evolve. You are supposed to and don’t have to always stay the same.

And I am proud to say that I am living, breathing proof that you can go from food guilt and restriction, to complete food freedom.

Eat the waffles. Eat the burger. Eat the fudge cake. Enjoy your freaking LIFE. And then, the next morning, you wake up and move on with your life.

This morning, I went back to my regular routine of coffee and oatmeal. Soon, I’ll have another meal or a snack, maybe exercise for 20-30 minutes, and, again... just continue on with my life.

Your life doesn’t have to revolve around weight loss, achieving a flat stomach, having abs, and always eating “clean” and “healthy” all of the time.

You are allowed to live your freaking life, eat your favorite foods, and do whatever brings you peace, happiness and joy. Especially during the holiday season.

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another-mentalhealthblog · 3 years

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It’s FRIDAY!

I don’t feel like I have that much to talk about today. I just really want to know if I got the job or not. And I feel like doing yoga.

Last night my boyfriend and I made a gingerbread house and wrapped presents. I feel like these things should look and feel and happen a “certain” way, and they didn’t. Because my boyfriend is not that certain kind of person. He’s different. He’s lighthearted, funny, jokey, and doesn’t want to take things too seriously. Which is why the gingerbread house ended up with a big, giant, green blob on the side of it. “It’s a Christmas tree!” We made it into a Christmas tree.

I feel like I can get hung up on how things don’t happen a certain way. Like the fact that it’s Christmas and he doesn’t want to listen to Christmas music, drink hot chocolate, watch Christmas movies, go see Christmas lights... etc, etc, etc.

But that doesn’t change the fact that I have someone special to spend the holiday season with. And it’s just up to me to suggest the Christmas things, like building a gingerbread house. And he will go along with it, because he loves me.

I’m grateful for our not-so-traditional gingerbread house, and relationship that never fails to make me laugh and smile.

Christmas is now a week away and I have no idea how to feel about that. I’m excited to get a new keyboard. I’m excited to give my family their presents, and watch them open theirs. It will be a good day. It just doesn’t feel the same at 23 as it did at 13 or 3. Obviously. But like... you know what I mean. It feels different.

It feels like it’s a day that I’m preparing for and looking forward to, but every day in front of me matters more than that one day. Where as to, when I was younger, the entire month of December was all about Christmas, Christmas, Christmas!

But now the entire month of December for me is all about self improvement. Getting up and out of bed, brushing my teeth and washing my face, eating breakfast and drinking coffee, gratitude journaling, personal development reading, blogging, working out... doing a bunch of things that I don’t “want” to do, but they’re keeping me going. That’s what December is all about.

So Christmas will come, and then it will go, and I will continue to focus on self improvement after it goes.

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another-mentalhealthblog · 3 years

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another-mentalhealthblog · 3 years

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I don’t know what I’m feeling today

Today is Thursday, December 17th, 2020. I sit in my bed in my room, looking outside at the fluffy, sparkly, white covered grounds outside. It snowed last night!

As a kid, snow used to mean putting on your puffy snow suit, two or three pairs of socks, boots, gloves, a hat and a scarf, and going outside with your friends to go sledding, build snowmen, throw snowballs.

As an adult, snow means your boyfriend can’t drive to come see you, and your mom gets to stay home from work and work from home, loudly having phone conversations in the kitchen all day long - which is in the middle of the house.

But today is my boyfriend and I’s anniversary. In other words, the 17th of the month, when he texts me “good morning” and I anxiously await a “happy XX months” text from him. Will he remember? Will it cross his mind?

I wish we could go out to dinner or do something Christmasy. But I don’t have a job and I’m literally broke. And he just bought an $8000 car, literally spending all of the money he had. And because of COVID, he’s working less and making less money.

Anyway! Now that we’ve gotten the negativity out of the way. I want to focus on the positives that today has to offer.

I got 10 hours of sleep last night. So I have energy and have anxious thoughts, but don’t feel anxious physically.

I am looking forward to my upper body workout. I feel confident using the Peloton for my new workout schedule. So today I am going to do a 10 minute “arms toning” warm up on the bike, and then a 20 minute upper body weight lifting workout. I’m really happy I don’t mentally feel the need to diet at all, or do workouts that are longer than 20 minutes. When before I felt the need to always eat “clean” and “healthy” and do 30-65 minute workouts.

I had a very productive day yesterday. I recorded a new podcast episode about raising your serotonin. I laughed and smiled a lot. It definitely raised my serotonin!!

I also recorded a new cover. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MuPg5Ox-FrA

Watching it back makes me want to record another cover today even though I didn’t plan to.

Today I want to do my workout. I suppose record a cover, maybe. Might be hard with my mom working from home and being vocal in the kitchen all day long. And I want to wrap Christmas presents, so I’m not caught up with my dad, mom and brother trying to wrap presents next week right before Christmas. The only present I haven’t gotten yet is my moms. But I have my boyfriend’s, my brothers, and my dads.

I miss the Christmas when I was so financially stable that I bought presents for everyone myself. It felt so good to give. Unfortunately I’m not in that place right now, so I bought everyone tshirts or sweatshirts which is thoughtful in the sense that they’re all personable. But they’re still just tshirts or sweatshirts.

I’m doing the best that I can.

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another-mentalhealthblog · 3 years

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Fear is for suckers - and I’m a sucker.

Today is Wednesday, December 16th. I sit at my parents kitchen table, a candle lit, about to put some Christmas music on as I write, and waiting from an email response from my mom about edits for a follow up job interview email from my interview yesterday.

Right now I am living in fear about two situations. I know what the one situation is. I’m going to keep it to myself.

The second situation I will be open about. And that is, not getting the job that I have interviewed for three times with so far, and really want.

But today I read about how fear is for “suckers,” and I am a sucker, and human, for being in fear of certain things.

And Jen Sincero says... No matter how intimidating your next great leap forward seams at the moment, it will be a pipsqueak when you look back on it someday.

And how we should face our fears with the truth, that they are all in your mind, and they will lose power over you.

“Fear is all about how you choose to look at things, so by changing your perspective on it, you can let the fear of NOT doing the thing you’re scared of fuel your quest to greatness.”

I don’t have fear about doing something or not doing something. I just have fear that a past mistake I made will get out into the world when I really want it to be kept quiet... and that I also won’t get the job I’m currently chasing after.

I have anxiety. The little tickle in the back of my throat. The weight on my chest. It’s baaaaccckkk!

As I wait to hear back from the job. And as I live in fear that one of the past mistakes I made will get out. Even though it was so long ago.

I think when I have anxiety about one thing, like not getting this job, I have anxiety about other small, irrelevant things. My mind tries to make them big, and much more relevant than they actually are.

I just have to focus on the present moment and the day in front of me. That’s literally all I can do.

Today, I am going to work out. I need to do a lower body workout, stretch, meditate and shower. Then I am going to do my hair and makeup. Maybe record a cover until 3pm, when I am doing a podcast interview. I will upload that interview to Spotify so that it’s done and will go out into the world on Friday.

It’s going to snow. Maybe I will take some pictures for Instagram.

I want to cover “If the world was ending.”

Today will be a good day because I am going to make it a good day.

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