adamwatchesmovies

[adamwatchesmovies]

The Fog (2005)

Unfortunately, only two kinds of movies seem to get remade: great movies with a built-in audience that are almost guaranteed to disappoint viewers, and fan-favorite horror movies. Of all the films you could remake, I don’t know why anyone chose John Carpenter’s The Fog. Even in 1980, it was basic and didn't leave much of an impression. In 2005? It’s so unimaginative it fails to justify its own existence.

As the residents of Antonio Island prepare for their town’s centennial, artifacts from the Elizabeth Dane begin washing up on the beach. Soon, a mysterious fog rolls in. Within roam vengeful spirits tied to a dark secret.

The film basically gives away the reason for the ghosts in the opening scene but even if it didn’t, you’d guess it immediately. The Fog is so familiar. You swear you’ve seen this tale somewhere before. More than likely, it was in an episode of Are You Afraid of the Dark, around a campfire or in a children’s collection of spooky stories. It’s so generic you’re shocked by the ending. Was that it? No twists? No new angles? Nothing? Well, that’s not entirely true. There is a crazy reveal at the last minute but it makes no sense, whatsoever. In a way, it’s the ultimate “Gotcha!” because no one could ever foresee it. I don’t mean that in a good way. I realize I’ve just been criticizing this movie for doing nothing new and now I’m criticizing it for making the “interesting” choice to mix two seemingly contradicting versions of the afterlife but it isn’t enough for something to be unexpected; it also has to have some sort of logic to it.

I suppose we should talk about the film’s characters. They’re all descendants of the four founding fathers (though that seems impossible considering that opening flashback…), which should make the reason for the specters coming back even more obvious. Nick (Tom Welling) is surprised when his former girlfriend, Elizabeth (Maggie Grace), returns to Antonio Island after being away for six months. Her return isn’t tied to the fog. Something else has drawn her back. How "peculiar". She and Nick are… in love? Not really. They’re just together. We learn that in her absence, Nick and local radio personality Stevie (Selma Blair) were an item but nothing comes from it. In fact, I don’t think Stevie and Elizabeth do more than acknowledge each other during the whole film. Anyway, they’re the people we follow as the town gets torn apart by spooks hidden in the mist. You don’t care about them or about anyone put in danger. Driving to work with low visibility is scarier than The Fog.

The best thing about this effort by director Rupert Wainwright (whose well-known film might be Blank Check, not exactly an exciting filmmaking career) is the makeup effects. I wish I had more positive things to say, as even these raise more questions with no answers when we see them in modern day.

This picture is instantly forgettable. The “unrated” cut is so mild and dull it makes you wonder what the poor chumps who saw this in theaters did to stay awake. What’s frustrating is that John Carpenter’s The Fog isn’t particularly jaw-dropping either. It’s fine but from someone who kicked off the slasher genre, you expect something grandiose, and it isn’t. Remaking it was a golden opportunity to try something different. Apparently, “trying” was too much to ask. (Unrated version on DVD, April 26, 2022)

#The Fog #movies #films #movie reviews #film reviews #Rupert Wainwright #Cooper Layne #Tom Welling #Maggie Grace #Rade Serbedzija #Selma Blair #2005 movies #2005 films #horror movies #horror films

[adamwatchesmovies]

Pets United (2019)

While I didn't enjoy this film, that doesn't mean you won't. No matter what I say, the people involved in this project did it: they actually made a movie. That's something to be applauded. With that established...

I thought I was done with Pets United but here I am again. At least the first time, there was this illusion of unpredictability. Now, I’m just sitting, alone, on my couch, wishing for a power outage or robot apocalypse. Maybe writing down my thoughts will ease the pain.

In Robocity, stray dog Roger (voiced by Patrick Roche) takes care of other street animals by stealing food. When the city’s mayor (Eddie Marsan) suddenly announces that anyone with emotions is no longer welcome in his mechanical Utopia, everyone leaves. Only a few animals now remain to take down the mayor and his army of robots.

Pets United might be fun to discuss but it’s a slog to get through. The brainchild of Reinhard Klooss, this film doesn’t really have characters; all it has are out-of-place accents randomly applied to animals. Why do the tiger, komodo dragon and hyena have Slavic accents? Beats me. Why do they like to sing in what is otherwise a non-musical? Maybe to pad out the running time? It’s a veritable United Nations with a British robot (Stephen Mangan as Bob), a posh cat (Natalie Dormer as Belle), an Italian-accented muscular poodle named Ronaldo (Jeff Burnell), an Irish proboscis monkey (Bryan Larkin), a hillbilly bushpig (Sophie, voiced by Teresa Gallagher) and more. They don’t even do the thing where animals from a specific region of the world have accents to match. It’s infuriating.

Worse than the voice acting are the character designs. The visuals of Pets United are reminiscent of a commercial made for a local grocery store chain. The textures are there but the faces are all wrong. I suppose if I can give the film any credit it’s that the animators are somewhat aware of their limitations, which is why the action cuts away from difficult shots constantly. A bit of music will start playing and before anyone can actually bust a move, we cut to a tight shot of someone bobbing their head. You might not even notice the tactics used until the climax.

During the conclusion, so many corners are cut that the frame practically becomes a circle. The villain’s chief weapon is a giant mechanical spider previously disguised as a Ferris wheel in the middle of a busy intersection. How could a bunch of furry animals defeat it? By getting the thing to destroy itself. Largely absent for most of the film, the spider shows up just as Bob is placed onto a magnetic conveyor belt that will feed him into a combination crusher/grinder/furnace. Belle - having suddenly overcome her fear of spiders for no reason - gets the mechanical colossus to step on the belt. From there, it's slowly dragged towards the gaping maw designed to destroy all machines fed into it. To the audience, it’s clear the thing would never fit. In fact, the foot wouldn’t even make it up the ramp since the beams surrounding it would be in the way. Cut to the animals looking amazed. Cut back to the spider, who is completely engulfed in the furnace. How did that happen so fast and with so little a struggle? Shut up. That’s how!

This 2020 Chinese film looks and feels like a bootleg of The Secret Life of Pets with a by-the-books generic story slapped on top. I get a distinct feeling that the robot invasion was introduced as a way to clear the streets of any vehicles and people - making outside shots much easier to animate. Turns out animating characters is easier than writing a decent story if you judge by this picture. There are so many characters, and about half of them contribute nothing to the plot. If they had been cut, maybe someone could’ve gotten some character arc. As is, here’s how this film handles character development: First, Walter (a pug, voiced by Harvey Friedman) says he tried skateboarding once but couldn’t do it without falling. A few scenes later, he jumps on a skateboard and manages to keep up with a speeding train. See? Before he couldn’t do the thing. Now? He can do the thing!

No one could ever call Pets United entertaining. At best, it’s perplexing. There are definitely things to keep you baffled, from typos in the background to ridiculous dialogue, disappearing characters, bad designs, story arcs that fizzle into nothing and morals so badly worded that what's said can't possibly be what the film wanted to say. At least it’s memorable in that way that sticking your hand in a deep fryer is memorable, which is to say you’d never do it again and will hopefully learn a lesson from it. (April 23, 2022)

#Pets United #movies #films #movie reviews #film reviews #Reinhard Kloos #Patrick Roche #Natalie Dormer #Eddie Marsan #Jeff Burrell

[adamwatchesmovies]

How to Train Your Dragon (2010)

It’s been over 10 years since the release of How to Train Your Dragon. Unfortunately, this means you can’t catch it the way it was meant to be seen - on the big screen and in 3D - but it still dazzles. This animated film has it all. A great story of friendship, stunning visuals, memorable character designs, an instantly memorable score, terrific voice acting and a great message. It doesn’t matter how old you are, it becomes an instant favorite.

Much to his father’s disappointment, teenaged Viking Hiccup (perfectly voiced by Jay Baruchel) is hardly the dragon killer his village needs him to be. When Hiccup knocks down a Night Fury - the most elusive and deadly of all dragon species - he finds that he cannot kill it, and instead befriends "Toothless".

We've seen stories about sons rebelling against their parents because they would rather dance ballet, sing, or do anything other than do what they're expected to do before. How to Train Your Dragon differentiates itself first and foremost with its visuals. No dragon we've ever seen looks like the ones in this film. Taking inspiration from the book of the same name by Cressida Cowell, the animators went to town on the creature designs, which range from the two-headed Hideous Zippleback - one head spews flammable gas, the other, sparks - to the bumblebee-like Gronckle. All of them are memorable, as are Hiccups classmates. You’re like the overenthusiastic Fishlegs (Christopher Mintz-Plasse), excitedly looking at these beasts and trying to figure out what makes them tick. I predict in about five to ten years, we’ll be seeing highly detailed and articulated action figures of the creatures in this film sold to adults who grew up with this franchise. That’s how iconic they are.

As you can deduce from the title, Hiccup and Toothless eventually form a close bond and our hero becomes the first dragon rider. The first scene in which they take flight together is pure movie magic. The emotions bubble up inside as if it’s you soaring through the air for the first time. Even on a flat screen, the way they zip alongside cliffs, through rocky formations and above the water is so exciting - particularly with the score by John Powell - it threatens to bring tears to your eyes. You recognize the emotional weight of this moment and the visuals are incredible.

The emotional power of Hiccup and Toothless' flight comes from the character work. Directors Chris Sanders and Dean DeBlois have made the genius choice to give a lot of cat-lie attributes to Toothless. He’s effortlessly loveable but also a little wild - if you’ve ever owned a cat, you know what I mean. You’ve seen how Hiccup and his father are. It’s not that Stoick the Vast (Gerard Butler) is a bad father, it’s that they just have nothing in common, whereas Hiccup and Toothless? they get along but they do so well. It breaks your heart knowing they’re from two worlds and that there’s no way this is going to work out. Training with Toothless means Hiccup becomes more knowledgeable about dragons than any other Viking. At his school, he’s acing every course, which breaks down the barrier between him and his father. It raises your spirits but creates a dark cloud on the horizon.

In the end, the screenplay by the directors (who co-wrote with Will Davies) finds a surprisingly elegant way to give the audience the happy ending they want and deliver a big action scene that brings together everything we’ve learned about dragons. It’s revealed that every dragon has been stealing food for the biggest dragon of all, a Godzilla-sized mega beast that will eat anything. The genius of this revelation is that it recontextualizes every dragon attack. If only this big bully were gone, then everyone could live harmoniously. In Independence Day: Resurgence, The Great Wall and similar films, this “Queen” that can be defeated to save the day feels artificial. Not here. In hindsight, it all makes sense.

It's one of the best cast animated pictures in recent memory. Christopher Mintz-Plasse as the big, but squeaky-voiced dragon nerd Fishlegs, America Ferrera as Astrid, Hiccup’s rival and possible romantic interest and the other Vikings are terrific. Even these secondary characters are memorable, making you eager to see more. Then we get to the ending, which is mature and somber. How to Train Your Dragon is much more than the sum of its big, action-packed sequences of aerial pyrotechnics, dizzying flying scenes and narrow getaways. It's packed with emotion, action, and fun. I can’t recommend How to Train Your Dragon enough. (On Blu-ray, April 15, 2022)

#How to Train Your Dragon #movies #films #movie reviews #film reviews #Chris Sanders #Dean DeBlois #WIll Davies #Jay Baruchel #Gerard Butler #Craig Ferguson #America Ferrera #Jonah Hill #Christopher Mintz-Plasse #T.J. Miller #Kristen Wiig

[adamwatchesmovies]

Firedrake the Silver Dragon (2020)

Firedrake the Silver Dragon a.k.a. Dragon Rider may have good intentions and serve as passable entertainment for young children but I can’t recommend it. Any way you look at this film, it’s just an inferior version of How to Train Your Dragon. Even it knows this, which is why it makes direct references to the 2010 DreamWorks production.

Ages ago, the world’s dragons were forced into hiding. As mankind approaches their home in the wilderness, Firedrake (voiced by Thomas Brodie-Sangster) and his friend, a forest brownie named Sorrell (Felicity Jones), decide to go searching for the legendary “Rim of Heaven”, where all winged firebreathers will be safe. Mistaking a common thief named Ben (Freddie Highmore) for the fabled “dragon rider”, they have no idea that Nettlebrand (Patrick Stewart), a mechanical dragon-eating monster, is on their trail.

The creatures in How to Train Your Dragon all looked unique when compared to every dragon we’d seen before and to each other. The ones in Firedrake are completely forgettable. They might as well be stock assets they’re so bland. It’s not necessarily a damnable flaw. In cases like this, I always go back to Hoodwinked, which looks super cheap but made up for it with songs, humor and a clever story. "Firedrake" is a wet noodle of a film not because of the passable-at-best visuals. It's the screenplay that makes it fall out of the sky like a parachute made of cement. The villain, for instance. He sucks. Nettlebrand is never intimidating. He’s an utter buffoon that any protagonist who was worth their weight in bricks would overcome effortlessly. The fact that Firedrake can't makes you angry.

I don’t want this whole review spent comparing this film to How to Train Your Dragon but it can’t be helped. Maybe director Tomer Eshed is a big fan of DreamWorks and they wanted to pay homage. Maybe they knew the comparisons would be made by audiences so they decided to roll with it. Whatever the reason, there is a movie-within-the-movie called Dragon Rider and when you see the billboards for it, they are basically stand-ins for “How to Train Your Dragon”, complete with the same font. It’s been modified since we first saw the "Easter Egg" in the trailer but in the movie itself, it’s still unmistakeable. We get another reference later when we see a bootleg of Scrat from Ice Age frozen in a glacier. These references are so glaring it’s kind of funny in a way but at best, they are temporary distractions from the profound boredom you will feel.

None of the characters have anything resembling depth and the jokes are lame. The gags are so bottom-of-the-barrel that most of them don’t even make sense under scrutiny. Nettlebrand is on a dating app that allows its users the option of enhancing their photos. Wouldn’t that just lead to loads of bad dates? and yes, I know it’s a gag and isn’t meant to be taken seriously, but it isn’t funny so why should I give it a pass?

I guarantee that even if you see Firedrake the Silver Dragon “for free” on a streaming platform and make it all the way to the end credit scene that brings back the most unfunny of all the unfunny characters we encounter on this global adventure, you won’t remember this picture down the line. To me, that makes it worse than if it left audiences angry. Seeing "the worst movie ever" makes for a good story. This? It’s just diet water. (April 15, 2022)

#FireDrake The Silver Dragon #Dragon Rider #movies #films #movie reviews #film reviews #Tomer Eshed #John R. Smith #Thomas Brodie-Sanger #Felicity Jones #Freddie Highmore #Patrick Stewart #How to Train Your Dragon #2021 movies #2021 films

[adamwatchesmovies]

Ocean's Thirteen (2007)

Inexplicably, the Ocean’s franchise didn’t sink into oblivion after the sewage that was Ocean’s Twelve. This third chapter in the series fares much better than its predecessor but never reaches the level of the original (neither the original original or the 2001 remake). Still, as another installment, it does offer the remaining fans more of what they want to see, which is something.

After Reuben (Elliott Gould) loses his investment in a new hotel-casino to his business partner, Willy Bank (Al Pacino), he suffers a heart attack and becomes bedridden. Danny (George Clooney) and the rest of the Ocean Club decide to get even by ruining Bank and his new establishment.

If you’re not endeared to the Ocean’s crew, this plot will be an uphill battle. "Boo hoo. Poor Reuben is so upset he’s not making millions off this gaudy casino that he’s become catatonic. Guess it’s up to his buddies to get revenge on his behalf instead of just convincing the proper authorities that he was strongarmed into signing a contract?" Towards the end of the film, the crew’s old nemesis, Terry Benedict (Andy García, whose character is brought back under dubious pretenses), sees millions of his money donated to charity without his consent. I wonder if any of the cash the protagonists end up swiping from Banks would’ve gone anywhere except their pockets had they not had a score to settle. While some of this is mitigated by the fact that Willy Bank is a jerk, what we're seeing feels like a whole lot of “the 1%’s problems”. There isn’t a love plot to make us believe this is about anything but money unless you count the brotherly love between the Ocean’s crew. Even that seems like a stretch.

In the first movie and even in the second in a “sure, whatever”, kind of way, it made sense for these 11 people (we’ll get to that number in a moment) to join forces. Now? It seems overly optimistic to think the random Chinese acrobat who doesn’t speak English would put himself at risk as he does here. Now to be fair, this story makes much better use of its characters than Twelve did. No one gets stuffed into a bag and shipped off to nowhere halfway through, for example. Everyone has a role to play and it works though it should be noted that neither Julia Roberts nor Catherine Zeta-Jones return.

You’re wondering who the two new members of the crew are. One is the aforementioned Benedict, who plays the role of a benefactor. The other is… Eddie Izzard as Roman Nagel. I think. The motif of adding a new expert to the crew with each sequel has basically disappeared, and for good reason. This series can barely handle the people it has on its roster. Adding more is becoming increasingly problematic but it’s also necessary. See, “The Bank” has insane security measures, the kind no one in their right might would even try to circumvent. On the one hand, this makes for exciting scenes that make you wonder how the lock will get cracked. On the other, it makes the plot feel manufactured. For example, there's this super secure room that contains expensive jewelry. The plan to get in? Have Linus Caldwell (Matt Damon) and his phoney-looking rubber nose seduce Bank’s right-hand woman, Abigail Sponder (Ellen Barkin). With the help of some magic pheromones, she’ll get so hot and bothered she’ll have no choice but to bring Linus into the only room in the whooooole building that's guaranteed to be deserted. Apparently, there are cameras in the bathrooms, the closets and her private office. It’s a horrible subplot made unintentionally comical by the fact that nothing happens between her and Linus. The movie teases nudity for at least 15 minutes. Ellen Barkin's chest is ALMOST falling out of her dress for so long it’s ridiculous. I thought she was slobbering at the mouth for some man meat but she’s not even taking off her clothes? What’s going on here?!

I’ve been mostly bad-mouthing Ocean's Thirteen because the film is constantly on the brink of crumbling under its own weight. I will still call it a “good” sequel because fans of this series will be happy with it. You hate the bad guy, there are enough laughs to keep you smiling consistently and the con is so complicated it’s fun to see all the pieces coming together. All of the actors are obviously having a great time. I’m in no hurry to watch it again but if you love love love the first, you didn’t mind the second and you want to know if you should watch the third, then I say “sure”. I say this despite feeling like twice was too many for me. (April 29, 2022)

#Ocean's Thirteen #movies #films #movie reviews #film reviews #Steven soderbergh #Brian Koppelman #David Levien #George Clooney #Brad Pitt #Matt Damon #Andy Garcia #Don Cheadle #Bernie Mac #Ellen Barkin #Al Pacino #Casey Affleck #Scott Caan #Eddie Jemison #Qin Shaobo #Carl Reiner #Elliott Gould #2007 movies #2007 films

[adamwatchesmovies]

Big Trouble in Little China (1986)

Big Trouble in Little China is an odd duck that blends several different genres together. It may not be for everyone but it’s got a lot of personality and is certainly memorable. It’s got such a unique feel that those who like it are sure to call it a new favorite.

Trucker Jack Burton (Kurt Russell) is accompanying his friend Wang Chi (Dennis Dun) as he travels to the airport to meet his fiancé after years apart. After landing, Miao Yin (Suzee Pai) is immediately kidnapped by a Chinese street gang. When our heroes learn that she is to be wed to an ancient sorcerer named Lo Pan (James Hong), what choice do they have but to infiltrate his lair and rescue her?

As soon as you meet Jack Burton, you know this will be a different kind of movie. Kurt Russell’s performance, his dialogue and his swagger make this protagonist an instant icon. He sticks out even more once we're properly introduced to the story because he doesn’t belong. He’s a no-nonsense meat-and-potatoes kind of guy. What does he know about ancient prophecies, a trio of warriors armed with elemental powers, or magic? It’s like the movie was originally meant to have Wang Chi as its protagonist but Jack stumbled in at the last second and stole the spotlight - which is precisely the appeal. He’s so out of place that everything feels like a surprise. The fact that everyone but him (and the audience) are “in the know” means that sometimes, this movie is just plain weird. There was no buildup to that monster! Where did it come from? Where did it go? If this was “Grave Dangers in the Great Kingdom” with Dennis Dun and Suzee Pai as the main characters, you wouldn’t question it. With Jack? it’s wild stuff.

Everything I’ve told you about this film so far should be a detriment. Instead, it’s a strength because this movie is effortlessly cool. Big Trouble in Little China does its own thing and is having a great time. You get the sense that everyone on set probably didn't understand what this was all building towards but they all got along so well and had such a great time that it didn’t matter. The enthusiasm is infectious. Though best known for his horror and science-fiction films, director John Carpenter’s mark is all over this movie. It's unmistakably his, even if it stands out among everything else he's made.

All that said, I wish I liked this movie more than I did. While it is fun, sometimes it can feel aimless and unpolished. Maybe it has a few too many characters. Jack and Wang Chi are joined by lawyer Gracie Law (Kim Cattral), an old enemy of Lo Pan played by Victor Wong, Wang’s friend Eddie Lee (Donald Li) and Eddie's love interest Margo Litzenberger (Kate Burton). Then there’s this other girl the villains mistake Miao Yin for… but then it turns out she also fulfills the role Lo Pan wants her to in the prophecy… and it gets to be a lot of a lot. It’s clear Jack Burton is not the kind of character that could ever learn any sort of lesson or change. He’s exactly who he needs to be now, and forever. That’s why you like him. Everyone else, however, is in major need of story arcs or character development, particularly in a story like this one that is under constant threat of being overwhelmed by its special effects, creatures and wild developments.

I was hoping a second viewing of Big Trouble in Little China would make me fall in love with it. Looks as though this movie just isn’t my thing. That makes it sound like I don’t like it. I do like it. It’s just that everything I see on screen tells me I should fall head over heels in love and I'm not. A funny thing happened when I did view it, however. Someone else in the room did fall for it completely. Their instant enthusiasm makes me wholeheartedly recommend the picture. I hope it turns out to be your kind of thing. Even it isn’t, there are a lot of laughs, surprises, and memorable moments in Big Trouble in Little China. (April 7, 2022)

#Big Trouble in Little China #movies #films #movie reviews #film reviews #John Carpenter #Gary Goldman #David Z. Weinstein #Kurt Russell #Kim Cattrall #Dennis Dun #1986 movies #1986 films

[adamwatchesmovies]

Road House (1989)

Road House makes you wonder what kind of yesmen director Rowdy Herrington surrounds himself with. A surefire way to make a film unintentionally funny is to take a mundane subject way too seriously. This film makes your average season of Yu-Gi-Oh! seem grounded in reality by comparison.

James Dalton (Patrick Swayze) is a professional “cooler”. He will enter even the rowdiest bar/club and de-escalate any fights that break out like no other man could. He's hired by Frank Tilghman (Kevin Tighe) to help transform the Double Deuce into a renowned, classy establishment. Unfortunately, the man with a mysterious past may be biting off more than he can chew.

With that setup, I bet you wouldn’t expect to see threats, vandalism, arson, murder and a monster truck destroy a building in broad daylight but Road House has all that and more. This movie is ridiculous with a capital R. The Double Deuce sees the kind of nightly brawls that would require it to replace every piece of furniture and glassware daily. They must sweep up at least 5 centimeters of glass, alcohol and blood off the floor every night before closing. It’s the grown-up version of Pleasure Island in Disney’s Pinocchio. People are breaking things, dancing on tables, pulling out weapons, throwing each other out of windows, etc. You wonder whether the Double Deuce’s lead singer (played by Jeff Healey) is blind because he got hit in the face while performing, or whether he performs at the Double Deuce because he can’t see what’s going on every night. Mad Max was more civilized than this Missouri club and that was set after World War III!

In this world of chaos walks James Dalton and his set of cool-dude rules that are sure to bring order to the asylum. First order of business? get rid of the problematic staff. I could’ve told you that one. If Mr. Tilghman had any sense he could’ve spotted the one doing drugs, having sex with ladies in the back, or skimming from the till from a mile away. Actually, if he had any sense, he would’ve just burned the place down and rebuilt it from scratch. No matter how much they clean the place, they can't expect the clientele to change overnight, can they? Surely all of the nightmarish patrons weren’t all brought over by the film’s main villain, moneybags Brad Wesley (Ben Gazzara). Well, maybe they were actually. The man’s got nothing better to do than systematically ruin other people’s lives for the thrill of it. His character is so flat and badly written the biggest surprise is that he doesn’t turn out to be a rapist - which helps make this movie a lot more fun. He’s so evil you half expect him to get banished by a crucifix at the end.

Road House wants to be cool, wants to be adult so bad it’s one of the most juvenile pictures you’ll ever see. There’s so much nudity in the film and the sex is so gratuitous it’ll make you blush. The violence is equally over-the-top, with what has to be one of the greatest movie deaths ever coming out of nowhere - even though it was foreshadowed ahead of time. You thought what you heard was an exaggeration? Oh, you poor thing.

Road House is exactly the kind of movie you want when looking for something “so bad it’s good”. It has the bad acting, the ludicrous dialogue, the implausible plot, the I-can't-believe-they-just-said-that quotes. Best of all, it’s always moving. It may be bad but it is never, ever boring. This is one for the ages. I’m calling it a must-see if you like your laughs ironic. (April 7, 2022)

#Road House #movies #films #movie reviews #film reviews #Rowdy Herrington #R. Lance Hill #Hilary Henkin #David Lee Henry #Patrick Swayze #Ben Gazzara #Kelly Lynch #Sam Elliott #1989 movies #1989 films

[adamwatchesmovies]

Black Hawk Down (2001)

All war films walk a delicate line. You don’t want to portray war in a good light but movies are entertainment. You have to show combat without glorifying it but unless you have a good reason to, you probably shouldn’t show members of the armed forces as monsters (well, unless they're Russian). Black Hawk Down features too many characters to keep track of, the running time is way longer than is probably necessary and the character development is almost non-existent but these “weaknesses” are actually features. This powerful film immerses you in the chaos and trauma of armed combat.

In 1993, Somalia’s civil war rages. United Nations personnel are on a peacekeeping mission when the Mogadishu-based militia suddenly declares them enemies. To put an end to the conflict, United States forces make a move to capture Mohamed Farrah Aidid, the country’s self-proclaimed president. The mission should've been done in thirty minutes. Instead, there's no end in sight, with many men now stuck behind enemy lines.

This is a long movie. The theatrical cut lasts 144 minutes (and there’s an extended edition that’s even longer). Inside it, there are A LOT of characters played by familiar faces: Josh Hartnett, Ewan McGregor, Tom Sizemore, Ewen Bremner, Ioan Gruffud, Jason Isaacs, Tom Hardy, Orlando Bloom, and more. What roles do they play? It’s almost not important. I say this because once the operation goes wrong, you’ll quickly lose track of who’s who. You know you saw one soldier take off parts of their armor because “the operation isn’t going to take long and I won’t need the extra weight”. This almost certainly means they will be shot and killed at some point. The thing is, you can’t remember who it was that did that until they are hit. Once the titular Black Hawk helicopter is shot down, chaos erupts. People die, people are left behind, people are brought back to the camp to be treated and reinforcements are sent out. All hell breaks loose. Names, ranks and personal stories don’t matter anymore. It's all about the enemies all around them, the diminishing resources and the ever-increasing number of wounded. You feel like at any point the characters on-screen could be shot and killed. There are no certainties.

What makes Black Hawk Down so effective is how it shows us the bravery of the men involved in this military catastrophe and the futility of war as a whole. The militia who hound the U.S. troops are seemingly endless. When a man gets shot, there’s another right behind them to pick up their gun and take their spot. You wonder how these people can so carelessly throw their lives away. Did they not see their predecessor die seconds ago? Why do they insist on fighting? At least two scenes beg this question so vividly that they will leave a scar. One involves a woman who reaches for a gun. The other features a boy and his father roaming Mogadishu's streets, looking for soldiers. The U.S. military personnel are in a similar position. Their vehicles are constantly pelted by bullets. Inevitably, the gunner above will get hit and fall down, dead. Less than a second later, someone is ordered to take their place. At the end of the movie, we see the names of the people killed but that feels like an incomplete list. That severed hand we saw. Did it belong to one of the dead, or is it from another soldier who survived despite an injury you can never recover from?

There is so much chaos that Black Hawk Down could’ve easily become a slurry of violence - credit to the editing, cinematography, sound design, and score for making it a well-paced, "easily to follow" story. You only feel the movie’s length at the very beginning when we get at least a couple of paragraphs’ worth of text to set up the stage, and towards the end when all the soldiers are so exhausted they feel like they can’t go on any longer. It’s yet another way in which director Ridley Scott and writer Ken Nolan make you feel the way the characters feel. Then, you're hit with a wallop of a scene that shows no one - not even the people in the country you’re fighting for - can understand the inhumanity of war. I don’t know how anyone could watch this film and think “I need to enlist so I can experience this for real”. Watching it unfold from the comfort of your couch is traumatic enough.

Black Hawk Down hits some similar beats as Saving Private Ryan in that its carnage serves a purpose. It makes you wonder how anyone could choose to make war. In one scene I’ll never forget, a soldier’s gun is shot out of their hand. Their thumb is so badly mangled you doubt it can be saved. The weapon? It’s perfectly fine and fires like nothing's happened once it's picked off the ground. That moment says a lot, but rather than condemn the people who choose to serve, it shows that sometimes, you HAVE to intervene if you want a clean conscience. It fills you with all sorts of emotions in so many ways I foresee myself revisiting Black Hawk Down again in the future. Specifically, because it’s so well made on a technical level. (April 1, 2022)

#Black Hawk Down #movies #films #movie reviews #film reviews #Ridley Scott #Ken Nolan #Josh Hartnett #Eric Bana #Ewan McGregor #Tom Sizemore #William Fichtner #Sam Shepard #2001 movies #2001 films

[adamwatchesmovies]

Warriors from Hell (1990)

The question isn't whether a low-budget action movie called Warriors from Hell is bad. The question is, why is it bad? Laughable performances? Special effects that would be boo'ed out of a high school play. Maybe a cheezy plot with one-dimensional villains? How about because it's boring? I know. I never expected a film titled Warriors from Hell to nearly put me to sleep.

Jacob (Glen Gabela) is heartbroken when Col. Dankov Esperato (Shayne Leith) and his soldiers massacre the women and children of his village. The men are taken captive and brought to the communist’s camp to be trained as members of his army. As the red menace’s influence in the southern African country grows, lone wolf Matt Buttler (Deon Stewardson) is sent to help.

Written and directed by Ronnie Isaacs, there isn’t a germ of talent in this entire movie. The pacing is dreadfully slow. I swear half the running time is spent walking through endless African-looking forests, plains, canyons, or encampments. For the first hour, the only excitement comes whenever a hapless prisoner is sent to run through a minefield or is torn apart by a hungry crocodile. You watch these poor souls in envy because, for them, the movie is over.

The film promises Rambo: First Blood-style carnage and action but you’ll be waiting a long time for that. Meanwhile, you’ve got to sit through embarrassing scenes of our heroes making one bad decision after another. The villain might be a rapist and a child murderer but at least his moves all make sense. Why Jacob and his fellow tribesmen think they can escape from the Colonel in broad daylight when they can easily be spotted and then gunned down, I don’t know. The monotony is too much to handle and what’s worse is that you know the movie is nowhere near the end because Matt is still making his way through who-knows-where while his fellow mercenaries are disturbing graves. In this moment, the energy you have left in your body manages to spring you awake for one last, desperate gasp. Early in the film, we heard about a curse of hell warriors. Now, Matt’s stumbled upon a supposedly mystical cave. Could this slow-as-molasses-going-uphill movie deliver some awful magic zombies? No. There is a prophecy brought up towards the end but it’s the most non-exciting waste of words you’ll ever have the misfortune of hearing. It’s bad enough you have to sit through an attempted gang rape. Now the movie’s dangling a carrot of false hope in front of your eyes? It’s almost infuriating enough to make you want to hunt down Ronnie Isaacs and treat him the same way Col. Dankov treats these poor Africans.

If Warriors from Hell was merely tasteless and dull, it would be one thing, but the writing is dreadful too. In no time at all, Jacob has forgotten all about his dead son and wife. Now, he’s not only crushing on a fellow captive at the slave-labor camp, he's fallen in love with her. They’re not the only couple that forms despite their loved ones’ corpses not even growing cold either.

Characters who were clearly killed in previous scenes show up again later, alive and well. When people do die - for real - their last breaths don’t evoke any sort of emotion. You might laugh at one pathetic attempt at dramatization, but that’s one unintentional chuckle in a film that feels as long as an entire school year. The platform I watched it on interrupted the main event with ads and each break was like a foot massage it was such a relief to see.

It’s hard to imagine anyone - even people who were involved in the creation of this abomination - sitting down and watching it all the way through. Warriors from Hell is an absolute waste of time and anyone who’s seen it, who’s even seen a few minutes of it, will feel their soul shriveling a little bit afterward. (April 1, 2022)

#Warriors from Hell #movies #films #movie reviews #film reviews #Ronnie Isaacs #Connie Chiume #Ivan Dean #Glen Gabela #Shayne Leith #1990 movies #1990 films

[adamwatchesmovies]

A Dangerous Place (1994)

Ever wonder what The Karate Kid would look like if it also featured a ghost and a murder mystery? Well watch A Dangerous Place and wonder no more! Or… don’t.

When Greg (Dean Cochran) is found dead after an apparent suicide, his younger brother, Ethan (Ted Jan Roberts) suspects the Scorpions - a group of ruthless schoolmates who practice karate - are somehow responsible.

Though you won’t recognize the similarities at first, this is undoubtedly a Karate Kid clone. Unfortunately, this film contains none of the 1984 classic’s charm. The Mr. Miyagi equivalent (played by Mako) barely plays a part in the film. He’s only there so Ethan can already know how to defend himself and set up the big confrontation with the Scorpions at the end of the story. They’re of course led by Gavin (Marshall R. Teague), a ruthless white teacher who believes compassion is a weakness and that no trick is too dirty if it means victory. Even for this type of character, he’s broadly written. During his class, he quizzes students about whether Machievelli’s tyrannical advice should be followed - he already knows the answer. When Ethan gets into a fight in the cafeteria, Gavin asks his fellow teachers to stand back and watch. At least all Kreese from Cobra Kai wanted was to defeat Daniel. This guy? He asks his lead pupil, Taylor (Corey Feldman) to go for the throat and kill his opponent!

All that stuff’s primarily in the second half. The first has Greg get in over his head with the scorpions, die and have his murder covered up so Ethan can start investigating what happened. I don’t know whether to praise the film for not wasting our time pretending we don’t know who is responsible for Greg’s death, or to criticize it for doing this basic plot wrong. I suspect writer Sean Dash had no choice but to go with this unusual direction because the movie would’ve been too short if we didn’t have all those scenes of the Scorpions leading the police on surprisingly destructive car chases, committing crimes and otherwise establishing themselves as delinquents to Ethan. Considering the business they’re up to after hours, the over-the-top bullying they do at the school is beneath them and a waste of their time.

I’m surprised the picture didn’t try and lean more into the romance or student-teacher relationship that would’ve fit naturally into the story. Of course, that would’ve made A Dangerous Place even more similar to The Karate Kid and then, there would’ve been no room for Greg to return as a ghost. Now, at first, you might think the dead brother isn’t actually there. Whenever Ethan sees him, it’s when he’s dreaming, or feeling deep emotions. I thought he was just a figment of our hero's imagination too, until Greg gives his younger brother information only the dead boy could know. It’s probably just bad writing (it wouldn’t be the only instance in this film) and if that’s the case, I think this is the only movie I’ve ever seen to accidentally feature a ghost. I guess that sort of makes it amusing.

There are a few unintentional laughs in A Dangerous Place but not many. This is an utterly forgettable film that you would never recommend to anyone because everything it does, you can see better elsewhere. You’d even rather watch The Next Karate Kid than A Dangerous Place. (March 29, 2022)

#A Dangerous Place #movies #films #movie reviews #film reviews #Jerry O. Jacobs #Sean Dash #Ted Jan ROberts #Corey Feldman #Mako #Marshall R. Teague #Dean Cochran #1994 movies #1994 films #the karate kid

[adamwatchesmovies]

John Wick: Chapter 2 (2017)

How do you follow a film like John Wick? The 2014 ballet of violence was such a pleasant surprise because it took a plot that’s been done to death and revitalized it. That’s where John Wick: Chapter 2 finds its purpose: by expanding on the world at the characters within it to make what was familiar new.

Set about two weeks after the first film, everyone now knows that assassin John Wick (Keanu Reeves) has come out of retirement. For crime boss Santino D’Antonio (Riccardo Scamarcio), this is the opportunity to collect a debt John owes him.

Like before, the stunt choreography is the reason to buy an admission ticket. By now we sort of know Wick’s preferred method of dispatching his enemies but it’s still plenty of fun to watch him efficiently and methodically take out anyone foolish enough to stand in his way. Director Chad Stahelski even throws in a couple of new tricks to make our jaws drop, like a scene in a bar that involves a pencil and not much else. There’s a particular death in that scene that’ll have you squirming, and you’ll love it.

If you think the only appeal is the violence, you're wrong. There are several points where the cinematography and staging are a wonder to behold. A climactic scene set in a hall of mirrors is a great example. Amazingly, cinematographer Dan Laustsen was able to shoot real people performing real stunts in this tiny enclosed space while keeping the cameras out of any reflections and making it look as good as it does. Oh, and shoot it in a way that’s easy to follow, which is the most impressive aspect.

So far, we’ve talked about what you’d expect from a John Wick film. What’s new? The side characters and large chunks of world-building. John is back in an environment he sought to escape. We caught a glimpse of it previously but now, writer Derek Kolstad gives us a good look. This world hiding in the shadows has its own politics, codes of conduct, currency, honor system and rules. Piecing how it all works is loads of fun because it makes so little sense it makes perfect sense. Countless assassins are hiding among us. The busker playing violin in the subway? They’re hiding a gun in their instrument and are ready to take someone out as soon as they get the call. Think that’s weird? Try wrapping your head around the secret society of killers disguised as vagrants! You have to believe these people spend most of their bullets taking each other out rather than high-ranking politicians who’ve made enemies, which actually makes the movie much more digestible than you’d expect. Like Sin City’s Marv said “I love hitmen. No matter what you do to them, you don't feel bad.” When these hired killers take each other out, they’re not people with jobs; they’re targets for John to take out. The secret society is so busy with itself that there's no room for police officers to respond or innocent civilians to get in the way/be taken hostage. Anyone and everyone has a gun hidden on their person. It’s so absurd it removes you from the weight of what all of these deaths would mean had this film been set in the real world.

John Wick: Chapter 2 (which is not going to be the last in the series) is not as surprising or fresh as the first but it makes up for it. Common, Ruby Rose, Laurence Fishburne and Claudia Gerini all play memorable characters with small but important roles. They join Lance Reddick, John Leguizamo and Ian McShane in the pool of actors who give the world a lot of personality. Once again, the fight scenes and gunplay are spectacular. It’s got more than a few brilliantly shot scenes, and its fast pace means the 122-minute running time flies by like nothing. If you liked the first, you'll want to see this one too. (March 26, 2022)

#John wick: Chapter 2 #John Wick #movies #films #movie reviews #film reviews #Chad Stahelski #Derek Kolstad #Keanu Reeves #Laurence Fishburne #Ruby Rose #Riccardo Scamarcio #Common #Lance Reddick #Bridget Moynahan #John Leguizamo #Peter Stormare #Franco Nero #Ian McShane #2017 movies #2017 films

[adamwatchesmovies]

The Dallas Connection (1994)

The Dallas Connection is hilariously inept. In many ways, it’s got everything you want out of a "so bad it's good" action film. The performances are awful, with the title of “least convincing” constantly moving from one actor to the next. The plot is simplistic, bordering on idiotic, making it easy to follow even if you’re spending more time shouting insults at the screen than paying attention to what’s going on. The script contains gems like “I’d like to suck the polish off your toes” to keep you laughing. There aren’t a lot of action scenes but when bullets are exchanged, they usually result in some unconvincing dummies blowing up. Most important of all, it takes itself completely seriously, with several final act twists proving that some of the “mistakes” we saw previously were actually intentional. Only one thing prevents me from wholeheartedly recommending it to everyone. What is it? Read on.

A trio of beautiful assassins - Black Widow (Julie Strain), Cobra (Julie K. Smith) and Scorpion (Wendy Hamilton) - eliminate three of the four scientists involved in the creation of an advanced satellite system. To ensure Antonio Morales (Rodrigo Obregón) doesn’t fall prey to the same fate, special agents Chris Cannon (Bruce Penhall), Mark Austin (Mark Barriere), Samantha Maxx (Samantha Phillips) and Nicholas Lang (Roland Marcus) are sent to protect him.

Though the plot is easily summarized, it’s made to seem needlessly complicated. This is because of some equation that was split up among the scientists and then converted into microchips that need to be brought together so the satellite can be activated by a meteor shower. This will allow whoever uses it to detect any weapon on earth, anywhere - even underground. Huh? What? It makes no sense but doesn’t matter. The point is, we have a bunch of male scientists with something the evil people want. How do you get a man to hand over something useful? By seducing them, or blowing them up. Enter the trio of female assassins, all of whom are played by Playboy playmates. Like I always say, if you can’t be good, be sleazy and this movie takes that mantra to heart. Unnecessary shower scenes, prolonged sex scenes, a trip to a strip club and loads of inappropriate outfits make this the kind of movie that would be watched over and over by teenage boys late at night. It’s not quite as bad as Skyscraper, but it’s close. The most hilarious R-rated moment has to be a sequence set in a fancy restaurant. Mr. Morales begins fantasizing about what his bodyguard would look like in lingerie so of course we see Samantha Philips out of her clothes. They had to find some way to get it done… beyond the sex scene she had earlier.

While this obsession with the female body is hilarious and pleasing to anyone who might enjoy the female form… it might also be the one thing that won’t make The Dallas Connection fun for every crowd - especially if your group contains couples. Reportedly, Bruce Penhall’s wife was pretty upset by his enthusiasm in the hot tub scene. It’s easy to see why.

The ladies were cast primarily for their ability to dazzle audiences with their shirts off but the male characters aren't exactly Shakespearean all-stars either. One-liners that should have you cheering will instead make you groan, important dialogue is thoroughly unconvincing (and contains grammatical errors at least once) and everyone comes off as an idiot. It certainly doesn’t help that the story is full of inconsistent behavior - even if you take the twists at the end into consideration. You can spot a boom mike in the upper left corner of an early scene and the story will have you scratching your head. You’d think with the villains’ team being primarily composed of three “strong” women that Samantha would be the big hero at the end. She’s the only one that can’t be seduced, she’s the one that gets closest to Morales, and as the only woman on the team, she stands out. Except she’s a terrible agent. One punch and she’s down for the count - hardly a badass. You might say I was expecting too much but some of the reveals at the end are proper "Oh!" moments that force you to pause and think. Not much, but for a movie of this level, that counts for a lot.

Ultimately, The Dallas Connection is light on the action but makes up for it with the gratuitous nudity. At first, you'll say “Alright, I see what you did there” but it’s expected out of a film like this one. It’s what the poster is promising, after all. The third, fourth, fifth, sixth, etc. time the film finds a way to get the women out of their clothes are so absurd you'll be howling. Once in a while, it also switches things up with some bad performances, unconvincing dummies, lousy dialogue, and nonsensical writing. From my research, it sounds like this is par for the course for director Christian Drew Sidaris. If that's the case, I’m looking forward to seeing more. (March 26, 2022)

#The Dallas Connection #movies #films #movie reviews #film reviews #Christian Drew Sidaris #Bruce Penhall #Mark Barriere #Julie Strain #Rodrigo Obregon #Samantha Phillips #1994 movies #1994 films

[adamwatchesmovies]

Inside Man (2006)

Inside Man does something new with the heist genre. It’s stylish, exciting, filled with intrigue and packed with great actors around every corner. Thanks to its ending, this is a film you won’t soon forget.

In New York, masked robbers take control of a Manhattan bank by holding the people inside hostage. Their leader (Clive Owen) confiscates everyone's phones, divides them into separate rooms and forces them to wear outfits identical to their captors'. As the criminals turn their attention towards the bank’s contents, Detectives Keith Frazier (Denzel Washington) and Bill Mitchell (Chiwetel Ejiofor) take charge of the negotiations. Meanwhile, the bank's founder, Arthur Case (Christopher Plummer), hires professional “fixer” Madeleine White (Jodie Foster) to protect the contents of his safe deposit box.

The ingenious thing about Inside Man is that it follows the hostage negotiators rather than the thieves. This allows us to be fooled by their operation without the film having to cheat or go by the old rule that “if the plan is laid out, it isn’t going to work and if it isn’t, everything is going according to plan”. You’re as puzzled as the hostages and the detectives by what the “Steves” are up to. The way they take control of the bank and handle the hostages proves these are no ordinary criminals. The question is what are they after, exactly? If it were simply money, that would be exciting but obvious and frankly, you’d doubt the thieves’ ability to get away with it. No. Whatever they want, it’s in that safety deposit box. The detectives don’t know that. You’re not even sure if the thieves know what’s inside but whatever it is, it's valuable and it's got to be dirty. No one with clean hands needs to call someone like Madeleine White.

This mystery of the safe deposit box solves one of the inherent problems of heist films, which is the likability of the protagonists. Even when you have the likes of Danny Ocean breaking into a vault, innocent people - security guards who are simply doing their jobs, for example - are going to get hurt or at the very least traumatized by the experience. Dalton Russel (Owen) may be dirty but he’s certainly not as dirty as Arthur Case. At least, you don’t think so. Who knows? Maybe the mystery will be worth all the inconvenience these people are going through. Either way, Frazier and Mitchell are clean for sure so you always have someone you can feel comfortable cheering for.

Aside from one scene that talks about violent video games and gangsta culture (it's a bit on the nose, even if it is largely accurate), this is a superbly directed film. There’s one particular scene where Frazier’s whole world comes to the brink of collapse. In any other movie, the director would’ve had him dramatically leave his trailer but Spike Lee instead chooses to put Denzel on a track and move him towards the camera in a continuous motion. It’s jarring and unusual but it drives the point home like nothing else could’ve. It helps that Lee is working with a wonderfully inventive story by Russel Gewirtz. Inside Man is filled with superb dialogue and makes great use of the city it’s set in. This is the kind of movie that always keeps you guessing because the different characters are always sizing each other up and snatching little advantages from the most unexpected situations. The thieves may be in control of the bank but you know that’s going to change eventually. The detectives in charge are just too smart. Unfortunately, Dalton Russell knows this, which means everything must be part of the plan…

There are a lot of complicated and dubious moral choices in Inside Man. The police make some serious mistakes. The errors they make feel like they were anticipated by the thieves. The violence and stress Russell and his crew unleash upon their hostages is nerve-wracking but it’s hard not to admire them a little bit - they’re just so good at what they’re doing. This and the mystery of that box compel you to keep watching, always keeping note of who’s doing what because this film is told in flashbacks. You sort of know what’s going to happen at the end but you have no idea how. You don’t know what the title refers to, but it’s got to be a hint and you’re determined to figure it out before time runs out and the movie tells you. This is the kind of movie you want to watch again once it’s done so you can tally all the breadcrumbs before they pay off.

Inside Man is a memorable thriller filled with great stuff. There are twists, satisfying red herrings, memorable characters, ambiguous morals to keep you guessing, an intelligence that acknowledges the pitfalls of the genre and the choices made by Spike Lee make it interesting on a technical level as well. Sometimes it’s so intense I don’t know if you could call it “fun” but there’s no way you can keep your eyes off of Inside Man. (March 19, 2022)

#Inside Man #movies #films #movie reviews #film reviews #Spike lee #Russell Gewirtz #Denzel Washington #Clive Owen #Jodie Foster #Christopher Plummer #Willem Dafoe #Chiwetel Ejiofor #2006 movies #2006 films

[adamwatchesmovies]

The Karate Kid (2010)

Remakes of good movies are stuck in an impossible place. You can’t make them the same as the movie that inspired them because then, what’s the point? You also can’t deviate too much from the source material because then audiences will be disappointed. Ideally, you’d update movies that squandered their potential or no longer hold up, but that doesn't happen. This brings us to the 2010 version of The Karate Kid. If this was a standalone movie, it wouldn’t be so bad. Jaden Smith is a compelling lead and he has great chemistry with Jackie Chan. The problem is that it is not a standalone movie and since it is nowhere near as good as the 1984 film, it struggles to validate its existence.

12-year-old Dre Parker (Jaden Smith) and his widowed mother (Taraji P. Henson) have just moved from Detroit to China. Bad enough that he doesn’t speak any Mandarin but Dre is also bullied relentlessly by a 14-year-old named Cheng (Zhenwei Wang) and his gang. Under the training of the most unlikely of teachers - the apartment building’s maintenance man, Mr. Han (Jackie Chan) - Dre learns to defend himself.

I’ll begin with the things this picture does well. This Karate Kid was partially green-lit as a vehicle for Jaden Smith and he shows a lot of promise. He handles the stunts and the many dramatic scenes well. He’s got presence and personality. The film gives you ample reason to sympathize with him but it still wouldn’t have been effective if he wasn’t able to deliver his lines convincingly. I also want to call out the fight choreography, with one featuring Chan confronting Cheng’s gang without actually laying a hand on them being one of the highlights. This film is based on a strong foundation with heroes you love to cheer for and some big emotional payoffs. It’s easy to watch and doesn’t feel excessively long despite the 2-hour, 20-minute running time.

The fact that it is mostly good is what makes its flaws that much more frustrating. The picture may not feel long but it's still longer than the original (which clocked in at two hours and seven minutes) and somehow, the characters feel less developed. Part of the reason is the age difference. All of the characters in the '84 story were at least 17. The kids in this movie? They’re kids. Dre isn’t even a teenager and he’s having this budding romance with a girl in his class, Meiying (Wenwen Han). Where is that supposed to go? Precisely nowhere, you know that. Similarly, those bullies Dre is always running away from might be intimidating to him, but they’re small children. Even Dre’s mom could pick them up from the scruff of their neck and toss them around. They're non-threats even if you don’t compare them to the members of Cobra Kai, which were essentially grown men who could do real damage and felt dangerous, particularly against Pat Morita, who looked like a gentle grandfather - unlike Chan, who looks damn spry.

Gone is most of the humor. Miyagi - sorry, Han - is now an entirely serious, occasionally tragic character. You still believe Dre and Mr. Han as friends, but it just isn’t the same and the amount of time they spend together, combined with the violence Dre suffers at the hands of the bullies makes his mother seem irresponsible. I know circumstances were tough but she dragged her son to a country whose language he doesn’t speak and didn’t even prepare him for basic things like how to dress on his first day of class.

The problems go on from there, right up to the conclusion. Cheng is the pupil of Mr. Han’s rival, a brutal teacher named Master Li (Yu Rongguang). This man has hundreds of students, all of whom we must assume are as cruel as Cheng and his cronies. Even if Dre wins the big tournament at the end of the movie, it isn’t going to mean anything.

You may disagree with all of these criticisms but here's something undeniable: this is a remake of The Karate Kid that features no karate. They could’ve called it ANYTHING else but they didn’t call it “The Kung Fu Kid”; they called it The Karate Kid. All so Jaden Smith could have a spotlight on him, and so we could get some not-so-subtle glamour shots of what China has to offer to Western visitors. Apparently, the Great Wall is the place to go if you want a training montage. This film certainly wasn’t for Chinese audiences, who must've looked at the trailers and thought “Why are we supposed to cheer for some outsider coming to our country?” I won’t call 2010's The Karate Kid a bad movie, but it’s so unnecessary I could never recommend it to anyone. (American Cut, March 11, 2022)

#The Karate Kid #movies #films #movie reviews #film reviews #Harald Zwart #Christopher Murphey #Jaden Smith #Jackie Chan #Taraji O. Henson #2010 movies #2010 films

[adamwatchesmovies]

Underdog Kids (2015)

Underdog Kids is like a bad children’s drawing you find on the internet. The further you are from it emotionally, the more fun you’ll have. If you know Phillip Rhee - the star, writer, director, and producer of this family film - do not watch this. You’ll want to die of embarrassment. Composed almost entirely of plot points you've seen elsewhere - most specifically the kind found in The Karate Kid, The Bad News Bears and other kid sports movies - it's entertaining, but not in the way intended.

Former mixed martial arts champion Jimmy Lee (Phillip Rhee) reluctantly agrees to coach a ragtag team of kids at the Mid-County Community Center. If the children’s issues weren’t enough to deal with, Jimmy’s desire to get back into the world of professional sports threatens to pull him away from them at any point.

The only surprise in Underdog Kids is that at no point does some kind of bigwig come over and announce that the community center is going to be torn down unless someone can raise a fat stack of dollar bills. This movie has nothing going on so it’s packed with clichés like the silent black teen who flies into a rage whenever he’s teased, the other kid who’s embarrassed by his mom’s attempts to be frugal at the movie theater, the little girl who wants to get her nails done but can’t because her dad is poor, the siblings whose parents have recently died in a car crash and are being taken care of by their single aunt, and the fat kid whose father thinks he’s a source of shame. There are others too, but you get the idea.

Even for these kinds of stock characters, the writing is as weak as a kitten. Jimmy’s nickname is “the Lightning Bolt”. Not because he’s fast; because he was hit by lightning as a kid. What does that mean? Nothing. Another example. In a normal movie, the scene showing that the pint-sized martial artist can’t punch out a candle would be early on. Then, you’d have a bunch of training, maybe a couple of scenes where he matures or learns something and then confirmation that his arc is over with a scene showing that now, he's acquired a new skill. Here, we go straight from the “I can’t do it” scene, to the kid’s birthday party when he puts out the candle by himself. That’s amateur-level stuff but it’s nothing to the fat kid’s “arc”. And no, that’s not me being mean. That’s what the character is. In every scene, he’s stuffing his face or talking about food. I know the actor got paid, but he had to feel a little dirty. Everyone else has clearly been cast for their ability to throw kicks and punches. Him? he was cast because of his figure and Phillip Rhee gives him the most humiliating scene. It’s the big tournament and the Underdogs are hopelessly outmatched. Most of their opponents - hailing for the Cobra Kai-like Scorpions - tower over them. Porky runs around in terror until he falls on the ground. When his adversary reaches to take him out, he gets a giant, stadium-filling fart in the face and passes out. It doesn't end there. Later on, we see the kid’s dad cheering, telling the crowd that’s his boy down there! Either Dad’s sense of smell, hearing, and sight have long eroded, or he came in late. Either way, it does not feel justified at all.

Underdog Kids continues to find to ways do what everyone else has done before, but worse. After all of the dubiously won matches, the Scorpions and Underdogs are tied. Now, they will be judged via a choreographed dance set to music. You think this is where that “embarrassing” ballet regiment we saw earlier will pay off, but no. The Scorpions go first and their performance is so incredible they receive a 49 out of 50. How bad is it that you can not only tell me who’s going to win but what their score will be, and what each individual judge’s sheet will say? And no, this is not the kind of movie that will surprise you by having the ‘dogs lose because the Scorpions are led by a cheating coach who has no sense of fair play and bullies his students. He’s pure evil and absolutely must be defeated to teach the dumb kiddies watching and laughing at all the farts a lesson about how cheating is wrong.

While Underdog Kids looks professional, the performances are generally weak and the fight choreography isn’t convincing. Then, you have the script, which introduces storylines and then drops them unceremoniously, fails to capitalize on the characters introduced and holds no surprises. It’s the kind of movie that’s sure to put you to sleep unless you go in knowing it’ll be bad. That extra information allows you to make it into a fun experience by making sarcastic remarks with your friends. (March 11, 2022)

#Underdog Kids #movies #films #movie reviews #film reviews #Phillip Rhee #Tom Arnold #Max Gail #Patrick Fabian #Adam Irigoyen #Ryan Potter #Beau Bridges #2015 movies #2015 films

[adamwatchesmovies]

The Karate Kid Part III (1989)

While I didn't enjoy this film, that doesn't mean you won't. No matter what I say, the people involved in this project did it: they actually made a movie. That's something to be applauded. With that established...

The strength of the Karate Kid series lies in its emotional power. You could probably predict how the first one might end but you were so invested in the relationship between Daniel and Mr. Miyagi (Ralph Macchio and Noriyuki “Pat” Morita) that you forgot about all the times you’d seen the story before. Everything that rang true, that was effective in the first film (and the sequel to a certain extent) is present in this third chapter… but none of it works. Cartoonish villains, characters who’ve regressed and a repetitive plot make The Karate Kid Part III feel like a cash grab and nothing else.

Having lost his students and dojo, John Kreese (Martin Kove) visits his best friend, Terry Silver Thomas (Ian Griffith) to tell him he’s giving up on Cobra Kai. Instead, of moving on, however, he and Terry decide to partake in an elaborate revenge scheme. Posing as a new friend and teacher for Daniel, Terry will infiltrate his life so he can tear the boy and his beloved teacher apart.

I’m not sure if Ian Griffith is the best or the worst thing about this movie. One of his first scenes has him chomping on a gargantuan cigar in a hot tub, giving notes to his secretary about how he’s going to hide all of these mega-pollutants from the authorities. Combined with his ponytail, eagerness to jump on the revenge bandwagon and easily-revealed colours, you expect him to be facing off against Captain Planet, not some teenager and an old man trying to make a living selling bonsai trees. He’s ten times as maniacal as any of the bad guys we’ve seen in this series and less subtle than Emperor Palpatine.

On his own, Terry might’ve made the film unintentionally hilarious if it weren’t for Daniel. You’d think that by now the boy would understand a thing or two about Miyagi, that he’d respect him. No. At every instance, Daniel questions Miyagi’s tried-and-true methods, goes against his wishes or tries to do something sneaky behind his back. What’s infuriating is that you know exactly how it will play out. The movie holds no surprises whatsoever. In fact, it choreographs itself in ways that would be clever if they weren’t so transparent. For example, the film begins - once again - by informing us that the relationship we spent the previous movie developing has dissolved. Kumiko is briefly mentioned but never appears. She’s been replaced by Jessica Andrews (Robyn Lively) who quickly informs Daniel that she’ll be moving away in two months. At least the screenplay has learned SOMETHING from these movies. It establishes a way for her not to appear in any subsequent sequels!

Writer Robert Mark Kamen (who didn’t like this premise but whose alternative was even worse) does the bare minimum and director John G. Avildsen does not attempt to turn this pile of straw into gold. The villain’s plan involves sending his cronies to commit vandalism, theft, and attempted murder but the police are briefly mentioned once and then never again. This plot isn’t concerned with what would actually happen. It’s just going through the motions so we can get to the tournament at the end of the movie and watch Daniel beat the odds AGAIN. The Karate Kid Part III isn’t merely a disappointment, it’s a waste of time. (March 10, 2022)

#The Karate Kid Part III #The Karate Kid #movies #films #movie reviews #film reviews #john g. avildsen #RObert Mark Kamen #Ralph Macchio #Noriyuki “Pat” Morita #Pat Morita #1989 movies #1989 films

[adamwatchesmovies]

From Beyond (1986)

From Beyond is a backup/substitute movie. In tone, it’s similar to Re-Animator. The nauseating special effects will remind you of The Thing. The mix of bizarre eroticism and horror is akin to that of Hellraiser. There are many others you can compare it to but you get the idea. The thing is, you would never recommend this 1986 film by Stuart Gordon over any of those but if you’ve seen them so many times you’ve memorized all the best parts and you want something like them but not them, this is the movie for you.

Dr. Edward Pretorious (Ted Sorel) has developed the Resonator, a machine that allows humans to see the unseen creatures that live inside our space but outside of our realm. Unfortunately, the machine also allows them to see us. Pretorious is attacked and killed by a creature from this realm and his assistant, Dr. Crawford Tillinghast (Jeffrey Combs) is accused of his murder. His claims of invisible monsters make everyone think he’s crazy, except for Dr. Katherine McMichaels (Barbara Crampton) isn’t so sure.

The best thing about “From Beyond” is that it knows exactly what sort of movie it is. Writer/director Stuart Gordon (who wrote the screenplay with Brian Yuzna and Dennis Paoli) has no delusions about who is watching and what they want to see. He knows this isn’t some deep tale about the human condition. This is a sleazy, campy horror comedy. It grosses you out. It loses its mind. It doesn’t quite hold up logistically. None of that matters. There’s a lot of gore, plenty of nudity and kink, tasteless depictions of mental health, outlandish characters, and it’s all the better for it. Science runs amok, Eyeballs get sucked out of people’s heads, brains enlarge until they crack through skulls, and you get all sorts of phallic and uncomfortable-looking beasts sliming all over Barbara Crampton. From Beyond knows that you could probably tell this story with a straight face but that it would be all too easy to try, fail, and become the subject of ridicule. Instead, it beats the audience to the punch by making fun of itself - which is not the same as attempting to make a movie that’s “so bad it’s good” on purpose.

The most memorable aspect of this film are the terrific special effects. The primary monster goes through all sorts of transformations/shapes and it’s made extra discomfiting by this running theme of a quasi-masochistic obsession that develops in anyone exposed to the Resonator. It’s funny, and a bit unsettling too despite never being adequately explored. It feels like there’s a scene with Pretorious missing, the one extra point needed to make this more than a weird addition. There's the beginning of an idea present. What kind of horror might emerge from someone who can only get it up by inflicting pain, or from an overly stimulated part of the brain that draws us to danger even though logic says we should stay away?

The performances aren’t bad, but they’re not great either. It would’ve been nice if they were just the teensiest bit better. The story would’ve benefited either from holding onto its mystery for longer or finding a way to avoid the machine being turned on and off over and over. I don’t know if we necessarily need a remake, however. As-is, From Beyond looks great and you just know a new adaptation of the H.P. Lovecraft story just wouldn’t be the same in terms of tone or humor. What we need are other movies influenced by this one, or that push some aspects of it a little further. Thankfully, there are plenty.

It’s difficult to imagine someone calling From Beyond their favorite movie. Not because of the uncomfortable horror elements (I’m pretty sure one of the genre’s objectives is to make you uneasy). Because it doesn't do anything better than everybody else. This doesn’t mean it’s bad. It means this is a film that’s comfortable with holding onto its silver medal. There’s nothing wrong with that. One thing’s for sure; it’s memorable and has a certain undiscernable quality that’ll get you coming back to it. (March 4, 2022)

#From Beyond #movies #films #movie reviews #film reviews #Stuart Gordon #Dennis Paoli #Brian Yuzna #H.P. Lovecraft #Jeffrey Combs #Barbara Crampton #Ken Foree #Ted Sorel #Carolyn Purdy-Gordon #1986 movies #1986 films