a-losthope

[a-losthope]

Fyodor Dostoyevsky // Alanis Morissette

[a-losthope]

sophie, hi! that nikolai enemies to lovers fic that you wrote got me obsessed with that trope and i had a cool idea for a request :D enemies to lovers but its... (drumroll please)... tolya x reader!

tearing it all down

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Pairing: Tolya Yul-Bataar x gn!Reader

A/N: Hi!!! Enemies to lovers is one of my absolute favourite tropes, so I'm glad that I managed to get you on board with it too hehe <3 I have to say I struggled a bit to give our sweet boy Tolya somebody to hate, but I hope I kinda managed it? Thank you so much for this request, I really loved working on it (I hope the word count proves that). I hope you like this! <333 And yes, some parts were inspired by Kate and Anthony from Bridgerton...

Summary: Tolya tries to get along with the one person he hates, but now, other feelings threaten to come to the surface.

Genre: Angst, Hurt/Comfort (prepare to suffer <3)

Word Count: 5.6K

Warnings: Mention of past abuse, mention of scars and burns, implied death and almost dying, emotionally constipated mcs

Tolya wouldn't say that he particularly hated, or even disliked, anyone. His faith had taught him that hatred was rarely ever justified, and merely the utterly blasphemous or cruel are deserving of his hostility. But you? You were certainly making him question that belief.

He didn't even have to hold a full conversation with you to know that you and he weren't going to be friends. You were loud, made impulsive decisions wherever you went and you were way too cocky for your own good. Somehow you always managed to get on his last nerve. He was terribly annoyed by your constant attempts at having the last word or your brash comments, to which he seldom ever found a fitting retaliation.

And of course, everyone else was also made painfully aware of how he felt towards you. He didn't miss any opportunity to rant to his sister - or anyone that would listen - about how much you bothered him today or what else disturbed him about your presence. Much to his displeasure, Tamar believed that to be terribly endearing and she didn't bite her tongue when it came to making fun of his brother's crush, as she dubbed you. It wasn't a crush though, he was sure of that. He would never develop feelings for someone this irritating. That would never even cross his mind.

His very overt dislike towards you was also the reason why he wasn't that enthusiastic about you joining the group for another expedition. Of course, having an Inferni with them would be quite beneficial, especially an Inferni that was not set on inflicting as much damage and chaos as they possibly could. But just the thought of having to work with you that closely made him want to rip his hair out.

"Now you're overdoing it." Tamar snorted as she watched her brother pack his 'essentials' for the following journey. She thoroughly enjoyed seeing him this wound up about someone. It wasn’t like him to waste so much of his willpower to dislike someone, and she was convinced that there was more to it than just a simple feud.

"What do you have to criticize now?" He sighed, peering over his shoulder to catch the mischievous grin she flashed him. It was embarrassingly obvious who she was referring to, but he chose not to go along with her teasing.

"Tolya, dearest brother of mine, I just watched you pack seven, and I repeat, seven, whole satchels of green tea leaves for a trip that will take what? Like two weeks at most? And also, it's a tea that nobody else will drink. You're literally the only person to tolerate that disgusting leaf brew. Don't you think that's a bit too much?"

"It's the only tea that calms my nerves. So yes, I will be needing that much." He continued placing some bundles of clothes on top of the bags of tea, pointedly ignoring his sister's snickering.

"Unless you plan to pop an artery, that stuff will not only calm you down a bit, it will send you into a coma."

"As soon as they open their mouth, I'm sure that's exactly the state that I would prefer to be in."

"They?" Tamar knew precisely what she was doing. And she was doing it with so much determination.

"You know exactly who I mean."

"No, I do not. But please, do enlighten me."

"Y/N. That's who I meant. I saw them earlier, and I swear to the Saints, the look that they gave me was hellish. They definitely have been plotting-"

"Plotting? Tolya, you sound crazed. What do you think they are doing right now? Sitting in their room and working on an elaborate plan to cause your downfall? Both of you are taking this rivalry, or whatever you want to call it, way too seriously."

"They don't like me, that’s a fact. They've been acting absolutely foolish ever since Nikolai asked them to join us, and I always have to be the one to salvage the mess they made. At this point, I think they are doing it on purpose." The Shu man packed another stack of books into his already stuffed bag, more or less delicately tying it up.

"You haven't even given them a proper chance yet! Of course they won't like you when you're the person giving them a death stare every time they even try to open their mouth. I really didn't think that you, of all people, would be one to hold grudges against someone with such minuscule crimes." Tolya only let out a displeased grunt in response, ineffably deciding that this wasn't worth picking a fight over. His energy would be drained soon enough.

Your party took off the next morning, right before sunrise as to not be held up by random travellers or marauders. A heavy blanket of thick mist still cloaked the barren fields of the Ravkan countryside as you rode through the rocky trails and wooded areas. Tolya was silently thanking the Saints that you, Tamar and Zoya had decided to ride ahead, whilst he, Nikolai, Alina and Mal followed a bit behind. That hadn’t stopped you from already causing his day to start off badly.

“Aren’t we forgetting something?” You strolled up to him, while he saddled up his horse, carefully fastening his travel bags behind the saddle. He was already feeling a bit drained from having to get up earlier than usual, so dealing with your insolence wasn’t necessarily a blessing.

“Not that I’m aware of, but I’m sure you’ll tell me otherwise.” He turned around to face you, holding on tightly to the reins just in case his horse wouldn’t enjoy your company either.

“Aw, you know me so well, darling.” You walked up next to him, tossing him the rolled-up maps he was supposed to take with him. Shit, he had genuinely forgotten something. And you just couldn’t help but be smug about it.

“I would have gotten them before we left. I just haven’t had any time to do so yet.” He futilely tried to defend himself, but the embarrassment was written all over his cheeks. Saints, why was he blushing? What did he have to prove to you?

“Of course, you would have. Keep telling yourself that, big boy.” You gave his biceps a tap and turned on your heel, sauntering in the direction of your already packed horse, before focusing your attention on him one last time. “Oh, and Tolya, a simple ‘thank you’ would have sufficed. Just so you know.” He was not sure whether he would survive that trip. Or whether you would survive it.

“Tolya, stop staring holes into the back of their head and watch where you’re going,” Nikolai commented, slowing down a bit to mimic his friend’s pace. He and Tamar were probably the most invested in the relationship the two of you had going on, much to Tolya’s displeasure.

“I’m not staring holes into the back of their head. I’m simply examining the upcoming path, which they are currently not really granting me that much sight on.” He grumbled, tugging at the reins to stop his horse from walking too far off the trail.

“Ah yes, and the king of Fjerda invited me for tea last week.” The blond retorted, throwing him an incredulous look. “There’s definitely some unresolved romantic tension between you, I can see it in the way you interact with each other. Neither of you operates with subtlety in that regard.” Tolya almost fell off his horse when he heard that. Unresolved romantic tension? Now, this was taking their whole spiel a bit too far.

“I can assure you that this is not the case. They aren’t necessarily fond of me and I am not necessarily fond of them. That’s it. The only reason I’m even engaging with them is because of my duty to serve you.”

“If that is what you wish to believe.” Nikolai shook his head playfully before nudging his horse into a brief trot in an attempt to catch up to Alina and Mal, leaving Tolya to his own devices again.

When the sun had almost fully subsided, leaving vast meadows to merely be illuminated by the remaining orange rays of evening light, you all decided that it was time to rest and eat for the night. Stricken by the thick layer of tiredness, the seven of you put up the three tents you had brought along. One of the tents was enough for three people to share, the other two only had the capacity for two, so the division of space shouldn't be an issue.

Tolya, who had spent the majority of his time collecting branches and brushwood, was currently hunched over the makeshift fireplace, trying to start a fire. But the dew and most had kept the wood slightly moist, not allowing much of a spark to fly. The only thing he managed to ignite was a measly little flame, that could've been put out by a simple blow.

"How's the fire coming along? I'm starving. And freezing. Not a good combo." Your voice called out behind him, almost making him smother the flame by accident. At this point, he just wanted his peace and the damned fire to start.

"Take a wild guess." He grumbled, not wanting to look at your probably very victorious smirk.

"Ah, I see, it's going great!" Even though the statement dripped with sarcasm, there was no real malice in it.

You knelt down next to him, eying the little flame with a hint of amusement in your eyes. He scanned your features cautiously, the proximity allowed him to take an even closer look at you. He noticed all the little details, he would've normally not even bothered to look at. The faint scar across your cheek, that still hadn't healed even years after you got slashed by some trigger-happy Grisha. The way your brows furrowed as you thought about your next move. He looked down at your hands, which were now hovering above the flame. He saw the patch of burnt skin that peeked out from under your sleeves. You never told anyone about what had happened, but there was a common understanding that the story wouldn't be a fun one. Especially since they all knew what your family thought of people like you, and how the Kaelish value people with 'powers'. But he tended to keep thoughts like these at bay. He knew it was wrong to do so, but these aspects made you appear too human - too vulnerable - for his liking. And he couldn't let his bad conscience allow his mind to rationalize all your wrongdoings.

"What are you doing?" His own voice pulled him from his thoughts, as he watched your hands move over the fire. "Don't move too fast, it took me long enough to even create that little spark."

"Don't worry darling, I won't put it out. Just let me do my work." You didn't give him much more of a chance to differ, because as soon as the words left your mouth, the light underneath your palms spread out. It looked almost as if the flames slowly crept towards the borders of the fireplace, claiming all the wood they could and creating one big flame.

Tolya stared at the fire you had just generated. He should feel thankful, but his mind was overtaken by embarrassment. He sat there for almost an hour trying to start a presentable fire, just for you to prove that you were better than him.

"You are aware of the fact that I'm an Inferni, right? Fire is quite literally my speciality." You grinned at him. A self-satisfied grin, he concluded.

“You’re not one to be subtle about it, so yes, I was aware.” He grunted, avoiding your gaze as you moved away from the fireplace since the flame had already grown to a presentable size. The orange light emitting from the fire in front of you gave your face a foreign warmth. A warmth he did not recognize, nor like.

You didn’t say anything in response, only letting out a huffed breath before standing up and joining the others in whatever they were doing. He bit the inside of his cheek after he saw a hurt expression flash over your features. Maybe that comment was a bit too harsh. He absolutely hated that he acted this way around you, merely because he thought you were slightly annoying.

Supper was spent exchanging stories of the past, talking over the upcoming plans and you trying your best not to pay any attention to Tolya. It didn’t help that Nikolai was still set on helping you two figure out your so-called true feelings for the other. So when it was time for assigning people to tents, he let the bomb drop.

There were three tents in total, two big enough for two people, and one big enough for three. It was obvious that Nikolai and Zoya would be sleeping in a tent together, but the rest was still a bit unclear.

“Naturally, Zoya and I will be sharing a tent.” The blond began, earning an eye roll from his general. She didn’t try to oppose him, though. Having to share a tent with the future king of Ravka didn’t seem like such a bad thing. “Alina and Mal will share a tent.” A weight lifted off Tolya’s shoulder. This would mean that his sister would be joining the two of you and that he wouldn’t have to be alone with you. “But I also assigned Tamar to join you. Just as an added safety measure, of course.” Well, that relief didn’t last long. “The rest is clear I suppose?” Even though the question wasn’t directly aimed at you, both of you just nodded compliantly. No amount of arguing would have convinced Nikolai to change his mind, so you decided to not bother with it.

Thankfully, there still was the prospect of the night watch. Tolya volunteered to take the first hour, and you agreed to take the second. This would mean that the time spent together, at least whilst being conscious, was minimized by quite a bit.

So after the rest of his team retired, he allowed himself to finally enjoy some peace. He pulled out one of the poetry books he had packed, before preparing a pot of his herb tea. He didn’t dread keeping watch during the night - he had done it countless times before - but he needed something to do. Guilt still clouded his mind from being so rude to you earlier. However, apologizing was out of the question. You would do your best to make a joke out of him, he knew it.

There he sat, reading, drinking tea, and unfortunately also letting his thoughts wander to you occasionally. He thought about what you might be doing right now. If you were genuinely struck by what he said. Whether you were already asleep or staying awake until it was time for your turn. He even let himself dream about what would have happened if you started off on different terms. Would you have ever had the chance to become friends? Or maybe even more, just like Nikolai and Tamar predicted?

His mental ramblings were cut short by the rustling of leaves approaching from behind him. With barely any hesitation, he pulled his sword from its sheath and spun around, ready to attack anyone that dared to even come close to your encampment.

“Calm down!” You whisper-screamed, having to bite your tongue in order to not let out a shriek and wake up the others. He had really lost it, you thought. “It’s just me, for Saints' sake!” Tolya put down his weapon hastily, slightly ashamed of his overreaction. He didn’t apologize, rather shooting you a questioning glance, which you chose to ignore.

You walked over to the fireplace, sitting on the makeshift seat next to his, before pulling your blanket further over your shoulders. You were an Inferni. You weren’t made for the cold wind of the Ravkan fall. It amazed you that Tolya could still wear his short-sleeved shirts without batting an eye.

“Aren’t you cold?”

“No.” Great conversation. This man was really just one giant brick wall, wasn’t he? Why did you even bother? “What are you doing here? Your shift won't start for another twenty minutes."

“I couldn’t sleep. Thought some company might cheer me up, but I forgot what company I had the option to choose from.” You sighed, fiddling with the straps of your kefta. Maybe you should have stayed in your tent. Even if that had meant staring at the ceiling for almost half an hour. “But you can go to bed early if you want. I’m already awake, so it would be fruitless for you to stay here any longer.”

Tolya paused for a second. He could agree, and maybe get some additional rest before they would leave in the morning. But he could also stay here for a bit longer. Twenty minutes wouldn’t hurt.

“It’s fine. I said that I’d take over the first hour of the night watch, so I’ll stay for the entire hour. It’s my duty.” He stared straight ahead, watching the flames dance around in the fireplace. He didn’t need to look at you to see the quizzical expression on your face.

“Do you ever have a different reason than duty to do the things you do?”

“Do you ever do your duty?” He retorted, feeling the heat rise up in his cheeks. He didn’t know whether it was from the cold, or from your presence.

“Duty makes us do things well.” You began, giving him a delicate smile. The orange glow illuminated your face again, and Tolya just couldn’t help but keep his gaze fixed on you. Your eyes mirrored the crackling fire, making you look almost ethereal. Was this blasphemous to think? To lift up the very thing he hated to be compared to the thing he worshipped? Or was it more wrong to deny your god-given beauty simply because he had never recognized it before? Maybe he actually did need some sleep. “Love makes us do things beautifully.” You continued, shaking him from his thoughts violently. “I act out of love. Love to my friends, my people and myself. I’m not here because it’s my duty to serve Nikolai or Ravka. I’m here because I love too many people that would be affected by the Darkling regaining power. It wouldn’t hurt for you to do the same. You’re so set on following orders and doing your duty, that I never saw you do a single thing with love.”

“Duty is the death of love. I’d rather do things well than beautifully. A dead man isn’t made any more beautiful by the fact that you killed him out of love.”

“Is that wisdom you retrieve from reading your poetry books, or do you genuinely believe that?”

“These two things aren’t mutually exclusive.” He muttered, quite offended that you had to bring up his love for poetry.

Then he heard it. A laugh. Your laugh. He didn’t think that he had ever heard you laugh this freely before, and if he had, he hadn’t been aware enough to care. Even though your hand was covering your mouth to muffle the sound, he could still hear it clear as day. And he liked it.

“The poetry is not that bad.” He added, feeling his cheeks flush again just at the prospect of having to defend himself in front of you.

“I’ll need some proper evidence for that.” You replied cheekily, cocking your head to the side to get a better look at him.

“Like what? Do you want me to read to you?” He regretted saying that immediately.

“I suppose that would work.” A brief silence followed as he didn’t quite know how to respond to that. But eventually, he picked up his discarded poetry book, wiping off the dust and holding it out to you.

“Here. Pick one, and I’ll read it.”

“I want you to read me your favourite one.” He retracted his arm, eying the book as if he was waiting for it to become sentient and chose for itself.

“Fine.” Tolya huffed, flicking through the browning pages of the book until he got to one that probably had been dog-eared a hundred times before. You had to chuckle at the thought of Tolya, probably the most passionate reader at Little Palace, dog-earing a page. Especially in a book this old.

He shot you one last glance before lowering his head to have a better view of the page. A strand of hair fell into his face, and you had the urge to brush it behind his ear, but he was faster. Slowly, he began to read the poem out loud. You were amazed by how melodic his voice sounded as he spoke. He had the perfect tone for telling stories, you thought.

“I’d love to hear another one, but a look at my watch tells me that you should head to bed now.” You stated after he was done reading to you. His eyes met yours again, and you could have sworn that he wanted to disagree with you for a moment. However, that quickly vanished as he gave you a nod in agreement.

“That would probably be for the best.” He closed the book, standing up and throwing his heavy bag over his shoulder. A strange feeling began to press down on his chest. A feeling that felt terribly strange like concern? “Uhm, in case, you know, in case anything odd happens, you know where I am. Good night.”

“I’ll try my best not to get mauled by a wild bear, honey. But just in case I do, I’ll know where to go. Thank you. Good night.” He only gave you a quick flash of a smile before he turned his back to you.

He did, in fact, not have a good night. At least not until you silently climbed back into the tent after your watch was over. Before then, he had tossed and turned inside the flimsy sleeping roll, waiting for sleep to take him. He only stopped once he heard you shuffling inside, closing the clasps of the entrance to the tent and lying down on your side of your shared space. He didn’t turn to watch you fall asleep, that would have been more than inappropriate. But he did stay awake until he heard your breathing even out, indicating that you had fallen asleep. Only then, he could finally close his eyes to get some well-deserved sleep.

When he woke up the next morning, you had already left the tent to start the day. He should have been glad that he didn’t have to wake up next to you. It was a thing that he imagined being terribly awkward, especially after your encounter the day prior. But he couldn’t shake off the feeling of disappointment this situation had left him with. However, the rest of the journey still waited for them, so he couldn’t dwell on whatever was currently clouding his judgement on you. He would have enough time for that once they got back to the Palace.

Fate wouldn’t grant him any of his wishes though.

No one had any idea how it happened, but somehow, a group of supposed bounty hunters had found you, clearly with the mission of capturing the Sun Summoner to bring her to Saints-know-where. Since they were also on horseback, the chase was a ruthless one. You needed to split up before they had a chance to strike.

“Tolya!” Zoya called, sweat forming on her brow as she tried to figure out a way out of this mess. “Go and get Alina, Mal and Nikolai back to the Palace! Get them out of here!” The man in question nodded sternly, signalling over to Alina and Mal that they would soon be splitting from the group.

“Zoya, I’m not-” Nikolai’s protest was cut off by Zoya giving his horse a commanding kick to the side, causing it to gallop after Tolya and the others. Tamar, you and Zoya were the only ones left to get these bastards off your tracks.

It took the others almost two days to get back to the Grand Palace. All four of them were exhausted, but Nikolai and Tolya couldn’t find any time to rest, while the three of you were still out there. Dark clouds had been looming over Ravka for the entirety of the day, and the chances of a storm coming weren’t too unlikely. This didn’t ease any of their worries.

Tolya had suggested riding out by himself, but Nikolai harshly declined. The fear of losing any of you was too great to ignore, so he wouldn’t even think of letting another one of his friends be sent out into this sort of weather.

“Zoya’s back!” Nadia, who had also been more than stressed about the whereabouts of her wife, burst in through the door, her hair completely soaked by rain. Nikolai jumped up from his chair, and pushed past Nadia, with Tolya following hurriedly behind him.

Neither of them cared about the frigid rain clashing down on them as they sprinted towards the stables. They almost managed to run Zoya over, but she didn’t seem to mind. Her expression wasn’t one of relief or consolation. It was spiked with dread. The explanation for that look soon became obvious after they took a look around.

“Where’s Y/N?” Tolya asked surprisingly quickly, as he noticed that only two of them made it back. He didn’t know what it was, but he felt his throat closing up while his mind went through all of the possible scenarios.

“We don’t know,” Tamar answered. Her face was devoid of colour and there were wet strands of hair stuck to her forehead, which she didn’t bother to slick back. “We managed to shake the riders off, and we were on our way back. But before we even managed to get close to Os Alta, the storm started. Their horse panicked and ran off with them. We would’ve followed them, but we barely saw the way in front of us, because of the weather.”

“Shit.” Nikolai cursed under his breath. There was no chance of you surviving in this kind of weather if they would intend on waiting until the storm died down. That could still take days and you were on your own, without any source of nutrition or protection. It was a clear death sentence.

Tolya knew exactly what was going through his friend’s mind, and he hated it. He hated the thought of you dying alone while they could do nothing but sit around and wait it out. He had to do something.

“I’ll go and look for them.” Three pairs of eyes shot towards him as he contemplated what he just said. It was a reckless suggestion just as much as it was an unexpected one coming from him.

“Tolya, are you insane? The storm- that isn’t safe. I won’t let you go out there.” Nikolai stammered, unsure of what to think about Tolya’s sudden change of heart.

“So you’d rather let them die?” He didn’t even recognize his own voice as he spoke.

“You know damn well that’s not what I mean. But I won’t allow you to go out in that weather. You have duties to fulfil here, and you can’t do them if you’re lying dead in a ditch somewhere. We’ll look for them once the rain has died down.”

Duty is the death of love. The words filled his head again. It was his duty to protect the king. It was his duty to protect Alina. But he couldn’t be okay with this. He needed to act.

“Love is the death of duty.” He murmured before walking off to get himself a well-rested horse. He would need it.

“Tolya!” His sister called from behind him, ready to knock some sense into his head. However, Nikolai stopped her with a dismissive hand gesture. He wasn’t too comfortable with letting him go, but he couldn’t follow him.

Without wasting too much time, he saddled a horse and rode off into the storm. The rain hit his face harshly, and the wind restricted his speed immensely. These were terrible conditions to look for someone, nevertheless actually hoping to find them. However, he prayed that staying close to the Vy would enhance his chances of getting you back safely.

And against any odds, he spotted your horse close to the woodlands. This could have led him onto the entirely wrong track, but he was desperately grasping at every stray available. So even though the chances of you being somewhere close to the horse were slim, he still needed to check.

Thank the Saints he did.

Next to a very unkept hedgerow, he spotted the flash of blue fabric. A blue kefta to be exact. Tolya hastily dismounted his horse, rushing over to find your unconscious body. He had to take a second to catch his breath as he stared down at you. Your usually vibrant complexion was left completely dull and lifeless as the rain bashed down on you. Tolya recalled the way your face had been illuminated by the warmth of the fire a few days ago. Comparing it to your pale and limp expression now, you looked as if you were on the brink of death.

For the first time since knowing you, he allowed himself to listen in on your heartbeat. The rain weighing down his clothes, and the thick raindrops falling into his face didn’t make it easy for him to concentrate, so he needed multiple tries to calm himself down enough to utilize his small science. Maybe it was also the resistance of his thudding heart that kept him from regaining his focus. When he did manage to do so, he couldn’t help but breathe a sigh of relief. Your heartbeat was weak, but it was there. With a bit of his involvement, you had the possibility of surviving until he brought you to safety.

Ignoring the bile that rose up in his throat, he lifted you up into his arms. It would be a difficult way back to the Palace, but he had to try. He had done the impossible by finding you, so he could do everything in his power to keep you alive.

“Don’t you dare die on me right now.” He hissed, as he felt your heartbeat slow down again. You were so close to the Grand Palace, that having you die before even reaching it would feel like a cruel joke.

“Tolya’s back!” Nadia threw open the door to Nikolai’s waiting room for a second time that day, causing all of the people gathered inside to flinch.

“How is he? Did he…” Nikolai stopped himself, not wanting to get his hopes up too high. A quick glance towards the window showed him that the storm was still raging outside ruthlessly. His chances of having found you were close to zero.

“He found them.” Nadia spat out almost breathlessly. “They aren’t doing too well, but he brought them to a Healer. He looked completely out of it, so I advised him to get himself checked out too. I doubt that he’ll do that though.”

Nikolai and Tamar exchanged a shocked expression, whilst still trying to process the information that just got thrust upon them. A few days ago, he probably wouldn’t have even thought about looking for you, yet now he was ready to risk his life to save yours?

But somehow, he had actually managed to keep you from dying.

“Lay back down. The Healers would kill me if I allowed you to sit up right after waking up.” You hadn’t even opened your eyes, yet before a hand pressed down on your chest to keep you flat on your back. Once you pried open your eyes, much against the favour of your stinging headache, you were met with an unexpected sight. A concerned Tolya stared back at you, a glass of water in one hand, while he held onto the backrest of his chair. “Here, drink. You’re probably very dehydrated after everything, even though that’s quite ironic considering that-”

“What happened? I only remember the storm picking up and…falling.” Your voice sounded horse and it hurt while you spoke, so you were glad about the offered glass of water. Tolya’s back straightened as he was haggling for the right words to say.

“I, uhm, your horse apparently threw you off its back and the others didn’t know where you were. So I went out and brought you back here.” You watched as his cheeks reddened.

“You brought me back? Why would you do that?”

“Would you have preferred me letting you die?” His audible sarcasm fell flat against your ears as you still tried to digest the fact that he was responsible for you still being alive.

“No, no, but why? I thought you hated me? Saving my life is not really on par with that.”

“Is it that unbelievable that I had… a change of heart?” He gingerly sat down on the side of your bed, far enough to not touch you, but close enough for you to see the waves of emotion flash through his eyes.

“A change of heart that was big enough for you to abandon all your duties?”

“Love is the death of duty.”

Taglist:

Grishaverse in general: @yesshewrites1 @dal-light

Tolya Yul-Bataar: @juneberrie

[a-losthope]

I need more tolya stories/fics honestly

[a-losthope]

safe harbor- tolya yul-bataar x reader

You dream about losing him more than you used to.

Monsters made of shadows and dusty blue light seem to seep into the alleyways of your sleeping mind.

In the kinder dreams, he is already dead when you arrive, eyes lifeless and weapon laying in uncurled hands.

In worse ones, he is still alive, held up several feet in the air, shadows wrapped tightly around his neck. 

He has already dropped his weapon, clawing at the shadow suffocating him, trying to get it to let him go.

Before he dies, he looks at you desperately and as soon as you move to try and help, the monster crushes his throat in one sickening snap.

You snapped awake, nearly falling out of the hammock from sitting up so quickly, the stale air of the inside of the ship suffocating.

Above deck, in the early morning light, you feel yourself begin to breathe again, your fists clenched and your nails digging into your skin- he’s alive. It was a bad dream, just like the dream from the night before, and the night before that.

”You’re up early.” Inej said and you coughed in surprise, choking on air.

“Yeah, sorry, you… Saints, you're good at that.”

She offered you a kind smile before taking a place by your side, overlooking the sea.

“Is everything alright?” She asked and you remembered to unfurl your fists, marks left on your skin from your nails.

“Yeah, just… just a bad dream.” You said, shaking your head.

Even in her silence, you could tell that she wanted to pry, but that she wouldn’t if you said nothing else about it.

“I get it,” She settled for instead.

“The bad dreams or the not talking about it?”

Her head snapped towards yours and she gave you another smile- less kind, but more genuine.

“Both.” She said, your gaze lingering on her as she turned back towards the sea. “I know it means very little, but if you ever want to talk about it…”

“Thank you.”

“You’re up already?” Tolya asked and you whipped around, smiling at him as he approached the two of you. “Is everything okay?”

“Mhm, perfect now that you’re here.” You replied easily and he pulled you into a hug and you felt the anxiety you had been struggling with moments ago melt away in his arms.

(If he clocks the anxiety or the relief you feel, he doesn’t say anything. He just holds you.)

After a couple seconds, he let go, pulling a couple inches away from you.

“Are you sure you’re okay?”

You offered him your most reassuring smile before nodding.

“I’m okay, I promise.”

Your heart beats steadily as you tell him this.

You don’t think you’re lying.

—

Familiar hallways greet you, saturation drained out of the walls and the air.

Your feet are already moving, carrying you to a place you’ve been a hundred times before.

When you arrive, the door is locked. You can hear the twins fighting inside.

You try the door- locked, no luck. You slam on it, fists pounding against wood.

“Tolya!” You screamed. “Tamar!”

The sounds of them fighting are bad enough, but it’s worse when they go silent.

The door cracks open- Tamar is already dead, blood blossoming from her skull.

Tolya is still alive, barely.

“This… is your fault.” He said, his voice barely above a whisper as blood spilled out of his mouth.

Tears welled in your eyes as you kneeled besides him.

“I tried to come in, I tried to help.” You said, voice faltering.

Tolya looked up at you.

“You’ve never been a very good liar.”

It’s the last thing he says before he falls limp in your arms, his blood staining your skin and in your hands, a knife driven into his heart.

You shuttered and clambered away from him, your hands shaking as you examined them.

You killed him, you killed both of them, you-

“You’re okay, I promise you’re okay, everything is okay.”

It’s Tolya’s voice and soft reassurances that pull you out of your dreams, his hands on your shoulders.

You pushed him away, struggling to catch your breath and calm yourself.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t…”

“It’s okay.” He said, no hurt in his voice. “May I?”

You looked at him and nodded.

He placed his hands over your heart and began to slow your heart down, bringing it back to a normal rhythm.

Panic and adrenaline subsided and with it, you felt yourself begin to cry.

“Let’s go above deck, get some fresh air, yeah?” He asked with infinite patience and you nodded, letting him lead you.

The sun hadn’t even appeared in the horizon yet, but the sky was turning a shade of light azure, the moon just about to set and the sun just about to rise.

“You’ve been having a lot of bad dreams lately.” Tolya said, more a matter of fact than a question. You nodded. “You know you can talk to me about them. I don’t think it’s doing you any good just keeping it bottled up.”

You sniffed.

“I know. I just… I thought they’d stop, the further from Ravka we got. But it’s all I dream about, the nichevo'ya and them hurting you.” You said, you’d voice breaking. “I’m so afraid of something happening to you. There was a time I wasn’t afraid of anything.”

He paused, considered this before he took your hands, fingers interlocking with yours, anchoring you to the world.

“I can’t promise you that nothing bad will ever happen.” He said, his eyes focused on your hands. “What I can promise, is that come what may, we will face it together. I love you.”

You nodded slightly, your hands holding onto his tightly.

“I love you too.” You said softly and even the mere whisper of the words was enough to drive away the shadows, at least for now.

[a-losthope]

Omgg could you write about nikolai lanstov and how he has known reader his whole life and they are together but not oficially and then alina comes and yk what happens and reader thought that they could handle it because it's a political marriage but then they end things and then nikolai one night can't take it anymore and so he goes to her room and begs her, quite literally on his knees to get back together, and maybe end it with some smut or fluff however you feel like doing but I just need him begging 😭

a/n: Crap! I really liked the idea of your request, so I thought about it and decided to make some changes. First, I thought about it and decided that I would most likely make a mini-series (big story) of several parts. Secondly, I realized that it is easier for me to fulfill your request with an !Original Character! not marked "reader" or "Y/N" And thirdly, of course, I had to change some details of the canon in order to somehow structurally introduce the hero into the story. Hope you enjoy what I do! let me know if you like it?(!)

warnings: Language, Squaller!OC (idk)

pairing: Nikolai Lantsov x OC!Dasha Romanov

summary: There is clearly an understatement between Nikolai and his childhood friend. But who knew that things could get even worse when the sun shines on the horizon?

gold and silver

prologue.

I knew Nikolai, without exaggeration, all my conscious life. We met when we were just children, when I was brought to serve in the palace (sensible squaller are needed everywhere, especially when the queen wants the sun on a cloudy day). He was the most restless boy I have ever seen in my whole life: he caused trouble for his whole family, nannies and tutors, but he was a fun guy, with an adventurous spirit and a good heart. Therefore, the fact that we found a common language did not take long. We would run away from classes together, I would show him tricks with the wind and clouds, and he would teach me how to shoot and even show me a couple of tricks so that I could protect myself with more than just my abilities.

And then the service began. His and mine. Nikolai and Dominic signed up for the First Army, while I was accepted into the Second Army, where my hard and fun life began. At first, Nikolai and I kept in touch, tried to keep in touch, but time passed, everything changed, we grew up and over the course of our destinies we changed a lot. Our communication slowly faded away. Of course, I heard rumors about what happened to the prince, and I'm sure he also heard rumors about me. I have long lost the habit of having Lantsov around, but still my heart ached every time I heard the news about him.

But in one moment everything changed. More time passed when Nikolai himself found me. True, now he was no longer Nikolai, but asked everyone to call himself Sturmhond. He was a privateer, with his own ship and crew, and kindly invited me to join the crew of the "Hummingbird".

How long did I think? Yes. It would be strange to immediately agree to such an adventurous proposal from someone whom I had not seen for several years. But Saints!

No matter how many years, centuries, centuries have passed; no matter what happens to me, I will always continue to adore Nikolai.

He still managed to convince me to join his crew. And I climbed the "Hummingbird", starting a new page in my life, but again next to Nikolai.

[a-losthope]

familiar hearts- tolya yul-bataar x reader

a/n: half based on a request but kind of took on a life of its own! gender neutral, Nikolai’s sibling. can be read as a sequel to soldier, poet, king, but can also be read separately. marche is the reader’s privateer name.

They kill the Healer first, hands bound and throat slit, ruby red blood staining their garments and nothing they could do except scream, alert the rest of the ship that there are intruders.

They have Grisha of their own as well, ones who engage the Grisha on the Volkvolny.

And the Grisha on the Volkvolny are outnumbered, but they are excellent.

Tolya and Tamar fight in complete synchronization, perfectly able to predict the others move before they’ve even done it. 

Tidemakers work in tandem to try and keep the sea calm while knocking off the otkazat’sya pirates, trying their best to even the numbers, Durasts bend the metal of swords and rifles, making them all but unusable.

Even you and Nikolai are in the fray, as much as he would prefer that you stay safe, you would hear none of it.

The crew of this ship are more your family than the royals preening in Os Alta and besides, you’ve never been one to shy away from a fight. 

Nikolai is swordfighting the captain of the other ship, though he seems to be verbally jousting as well with them, judging by the remarks that you’re able to overhear.

You make your way through several of the otkazat’sya pirates- they are good, but they are not you. 

You are a flash of blade and blood and for a moment, you see that Tolya hesitates while he’s admiring you, doesn’t block when he should and a blade plunges into his flesh.

You don’t allow yourself to scream, to distract anyone else as you dashed towards him, blades tearing at your skin, and put yourself in front of him, protecting Tamar’s blindside and her brother.

You’re easier prey for the Heartrender that Tolya was fending off, and you can feel your heart begin to slow as you swing wildly.

You don’t allow yourself to fall, even when you should be unconcious on the ground next to Tolya, and when you think you’re about to, a gunshot rings out and the Heartrender falls dead. 

Your brother, livid, holds the smoking gun and with the rest of the pirates dead, rushes over to you.

“Are you okay? Do you realize how stupid-” His sentence stops, his gaze going behind you, to Tamar kneeling over her dying brother. “Oh.”

You collapsed to your knees as well, looking at the man that you would’ve died to save.

You put your hands on his arm gently, shaking your head.

“You can’t go. You can’t die.” You said, your voice breaking.

“You looked… magnificent out there.”

“No, Tolya, you don’t get to die. Not yet.” You said, more assurance in your voice and Tamar looked at you miserably.

“There is nothing you can do.”

Nikolai grabbed your shoulder, as if to pull you away and you shook him off.

You closed your eyes. 

You can’t die. Don’t leave me.

You don’t see it, of course, but tissue begins to stitch itself back together- slowly, a Healer with no experience at all was trying to mend something that they loved.

Don’t leave me. Don’t leave me.

“Marche.” Nikolai said hesitantly. You ignored him.

It’s gruesome to watch, how flesh moves like thread to reconnect itself.

“Marche.” Tolya said, his voice no longer weak and you opened your eyes in surprise to see him sitting, leaned against his sister and everyone on the ship looking at you.

And before you can notice your handiwork, your head hits the deck of the ship and the unconsciousness that you’ve been staving off greets you like an old friend.

When you wake after what feels like the longest sleep in your life, it is in Nikolai’s chambers and with Tamar sitting next to you.

Before you can say anything, she turns to look at you, feeling your heart speed up.

“You saved my brothers life,” She said, her voice uncharacteristically soft. “I’ll spend my life repaying that debt.”

You shook your head.

“Whatever I did, I did freely. Out of love.”

Tamar smiled and sniffed.

“He’s been in here reciting poetry to you, whenever he isn’t above deck.” She said, a smile appearing on your lips before she looked up at the ceiling. “He’s been listening for any differences in your heartbeat, so I’m sure Nikolai and him will be down here any moment.”

As if on cue, there was frantic knock on the door and without wait for an answer, the door opened, revealing Tolya and Nikolai.

“Be gentle.” Tamar said sternly. Tolya paid no attention, rushing forward and embracing you tightly, nearly knocking the wind out of you.

“Thank you.” He mumbled quietly, his words a prayer against your skin.

“It was nothing.”

Nikolai cleared his throat and Tolya smiled, pulling away from you and granting Nikolai access to you.

He smiled at you, striding across the room to hug you, more gently than Tolya.

“How are you feeling?”

“Like the Volkvolny ran me over while I was asleep.” You half-joked before realizing your mistake as Nikolai began to fret over you. “Nik I’m fine, I feel fine.”

“You scared me. You scared all of us. I didn’t know you could do that.”

“If it makes you feel better, I didn’t know either. Is everyone else okay? How many losses did we suffer?”

“You need to worry about getting better before you start worrying about others. I say this as your brother and as your Captain.”

“Tolya?”

“We’re in rough shape, but most of the crew survived.”

“Since when have you started taking orders from her?” Nikolai frowned. “Don’t answer that. Promise me that you’ll get your rest before you start healing others.”

“I don’t even know how I did it the first time.”

“Exactly, all the more reason to rest and wait until we can make a stop in Novyi Zem where you can learn from teachers.”

“Nik, I can-”

“No. I love you, and I know you just want to help our crew. I want to help them as well, but I can’t lose you. You have no idea what it was like, watching you fall unconcious.” 

You didn’t say anything before nodding silently.

“Okay.”

He pressed a kiss to your forehead before taking a step back.

“Well, I better go make sure that the crew hasn’t mutinied.” He said lightly and you rolled your eyes.

He smiled, giving you a nod before exiting. Tolya made to move but Tamar reached her hand out, shaking her head.

“I’ll go. You two can chat.” She smiled and Tolya gave her a grateful look, moving to take her seat as she exited, the door clicking shut.

“How did you heal me?” He asked slowly and you sighed, shaking your head.

“I… I don’t know, I just kept thinking over and over again that I couldn’t lose you. So, sheer willpower, I guess.” 

“You make it sound so easy.”

“Loving you has always been easy.”

[a-losthope]

Could I please request a Toyla x reader..? (Bless you for writing for everyone I can’t find any for him 😭) they’re crushing on each other and them having to share a bed 🥺

you are foolish to want

Navigation┃Main Masterlist┃Request

Pairing: Tolya Yul-Bataar x gn!Reader

A/N: After reading this you might ask me: Sophie, will you ever write anything else than Hurt/Comfort when you get requests that aren't in any explicit genre? The answer to that question is: no <3 Also, the second time of using horses in a Tolya fanfic?? What has overcome me?? Thank you for the request! I hope you'll like this, even though the one bed trope isn't the main focus of this story </3

Summary: Tolya and the reader are on their way to the Lazlayon until unforeseen circumstances put a slight dent in their plans.

Genre: Hurt/Comfort, Fluff (if you squint)

Word Count: 5.8K (oh god)

Warnings: Mention of almost dying, broken ribs and hurt feelings

The silence between you became louder the longer you indulged in it. It wasn’t really silence, so to say. It was more the state of not speaking. The forest surrounding you was anything but silent. Between the creaking of old rotting larch trees swaying in the wind and the padding of hooves against the more or less solid ground, nothing ever really felt quiet. 

He couldn’t be sure how much longer the path ahead of you could possibly still drag on; all he knew was that he likely wouldn’t be able to stay awake for the entirety of it. The tension of riding next to you alone would have usually been enough to keep him from falling asleep. Hell, the thought of you alone did the job well enough already. Yet something about this time felt different. 

It was just the two of you. No Tamar. No Nikolai. No Zoya. No one else to worry or think about. Just the two of you, wordlessly riding next to each other. 

And while his brain screamed at him to use that factor in his favour, to finally make some sort of move, his body recoiled at the impulse of opening his mouth and articulating his feelings. Whenever he even attempted to do so, an obstruction seemed to form inside his larynx, blocking the feeble sounds that might’ve crossed the breach of his vocal folds. Maybe it was his heart leaping out of his chest and ending up in the enclosure of his throat, desperate to be spat out and stowed away inside a neat little box that he could disregard as long as he pleased. Maybe it was bile at the thought of having to come clean about the months and months of yearning he had been subjected to since meeting you. Maybe both of these options rang true; he couldn’t be sure. The sole thing he was painfully sure of was that it had to be closely related to you. 

Everything was somehow related to you. You had always been everywhere and nowhere; everything and nothing at the same time. At least to him, he hoped. You occupied his mind, his space, and his time whenever he should be focused on anything else. When he wanted, no, needed to focus on anything else. You were everywhere just as much as you were nowhere. Nowhere he could reach. Touch. Hold. You had always been more of an idealistic daydream, rather than something concrete. And just like most dreams, you would be foolish to pursue.

“Do you think we’ll reach the Lazlayon before the night sets in?” Your voice broke through the air like a gunshot, forcing his gaze away from the impenetrable barrier of trees next to him. You stared at him expectantly, waiting until he could will himself to produce a coherent sentence.

He let out a huffed breath, absent-mindedly fiddling with the reins in his hands as if they were a set of tarot cards that would permit him to look into the future. “If we keep up this pace, we’ll likely get there right before sundown.”

“Oh, lovely. Just in time for Count Kirigin to welcome us. I’m sure he’s already buzzing with excitement,” you chuckled dryly, giving your companion a distinctive eye roll to accentuate your annoyance. 

Tolya rolled his shoulders, the mention of the count’s name sending a wave of unease through him. He didn’t necessarily hold any tangible grudges against him, he didn’t know him well enough to form any sort of well-shaped opinion of him to begin with, but what he knew was that the man was an absolute rake. If the countless times of resolute flirting with anyone that didn’t leave his presence on the count of three wasn’t enough to support this hypothesis, Nikolai’s long-winded tales of his drinking and lavished parties sure filled the gaps. Count Kirigin as a whole simply wasn’t a coeval he wanted to be around. Not when he was busy enough with keeping his emotions in check while you were close to him. 

“There’s still hope that he chose to go to bed instead of waiting by the door for us to arrive. I doubt that he’s all too invested in our presence. After all, Zoya isn’t accompanying us, so he won’t have much to ogle at,” the Heartrender objected slyly, using the scarce situation of being alone with you to voice his obvious disdain for the man in question.

“We can only hope.” You clasped your hands together, holding them in front of your chest as if you were in prayer. “At least we’ll share the same fate if it comes down to him having genuinely waited on us.” 

He nodded in agreement. It was a comforting thought to know that he was there with you. The fact that you were meant to take on the journey to the Lazlayon on your own at first disconcerted him greatly. Not that he wouldn’t have trusted you to come back in one piece, however, having you be out of his sight for so long without a possibility of contacting you made him uncomfortably aware of the actual extent of his feelings.

Another wave of silence settled around you. It was more comfortable this time. Especially since it didn’t take too long for you to speak up again. “I’m glad Nikolai decided to have you come along.”

His smile falters for just a split second, the wave of emotion your simple statement had created stripping him of the last bit of feigned confidence he had. Perhaps his years of studying and breaking down ancient poetry had gotten the best of him. Convinced him that there was more to the comment than merely you being glad that someone else had to suffer through the hours on hours of travel. But that’s what you would have said, right? You would have said ‘someone’ instead of explicitly mentioning him. During times like these, he genuinely missed Zoya’s bluntness to bring him back down to earth.

“Oh, uhm, it’s good to know that you don’t see my presence as patronising,” he stammers, his voice hitching and cracking as if he was a puberty-stricken young boy again.

You tilted your head and looked at him with narrowed but gentle eyes. The same eyes that always seemed to magically find his own whenever he had stared at you for a bit too long. “Your presence could never be patronising to me. I like being around you.”

In an ideal world, he would have told you that the feeling was mutual. The sentence would have rolled off his tongue equally as casually as it had off yours, and you both could have continued your travels with the knowledge that you appreciated each other’s company. This was not an ideal world though. In fact, he didn’t even give you a verbal response. Instead, he hastily turned his head away from you, futilely trying to cover the gleaming blush that had spread across his cheeks in a matter of seconds.

Once again, the steady whirring and rustling replaced your short-lived stab at a conversation. It took another hour for the unkempt thicket to gradually turn into a widespread field, stretching out in front of you until it was obscured by the dense artificial fog that hid the watercraft testing grounds of the Gilded Bog. It would have been a stunning view if you hadn’t been aware of the massive amount of work that lay behind it.

A sigh of relief escaped your lips when Count Kirigin’s estate came into view. Your whole body ached after riding for hours on end without a break, making you long for a warm bed and a good night’s sleep. It didn’t take long for Mother Fortuna to knock that idea out of your head though.

Just as you had intended to throw some sort of sarcastic comment in your friend’s direction, a sudden sound of a rifle being fired cut through the forest behind you. After that, everything continued to go downhill horribly fast. 

You barely managed to calm down your horse, yanking the reins to the side to let it spur out its fright by trotting in a circle. Tolya, on the other hand, was less lucky. He hadn’t been able to react quick enough, his horse rearing on its hind legs before he was in the right mindset to properly hold onto the straps of his saddle. He was thrown off its back quite roughly, his back hitting the hard ground with a bone-chilling thud.

“Tolya!” you called, dismounting your horse without thinking about the looming threat of someone directing their gunshots at you. It was as if you were passing through a tunnel, eyes only focused on what was in front of you.

A litany of his name spilt out of your mouth as you knelt down next to him; you repeated it so many times that it didn’t even feel like a real word anymore. But no amount of repetition could bring him to regain consciousness. He remained laying on the ground, perfectly still and with no reaction to anything you did. Years and years of basic medical training flickered through your mind, hopelessly trying to give you an impulse that might be able to save his life. Your hands promptly moved to the pronounced column of his throat, a motion that would have been intimate if you weren’t filled with panic. The skin underneath your fingers was warm - and unexpectedly soft - as you dug for any form of heartbeat. When you finally localised a faint but rhythmic thudding, you sucked in a deep breath, momentarily considering changing your stance on the Saints if they had been the ones to grant you this minuscule act of reassurance.

“Tolya,” you tried again, hands cradling the sides of his face as you shifted him onto your lap. His eyelids fluttered open briefly, immediately seeking out contact with yours. It took another moment for him to recognise what position he was currently in. Your hands on his face and his head on your lap felt almost too good of a situation to be anything but a dream. 

He wanted to say something, anything for that matter, but a piercing pain in his chest caused him to let out a stifled groan. It hurt to move. It hurt to speak. It hurt to breathe. His whole body felt like it had been pulled apart and reassembled without a manual, and you couldn’t do anything to ease his discomfort.

“Hey.” You let your thumbs smooth over the ridges of his cheekbones, your feather-light touch creating an embarrassingly visible trail of goosebumps all over his arms. Everything you did was too soft. Too delicate. Too wholly overwhelming. “I know it hurts. Just stay here for a while and-”

“Saints!” A shrill voice made your head shoot up, the memory of the gunshot striking you like a brick. When a familiar figure scrambled out of the woods, an extravagant hunting rifle strung over his back and a mortified look on his face, you began to piece together what was going on. “I’m terribly sorry! I- We were just coming back from our hunting trip and we didn’t- Oh, no.” The count ran a shaky hand through his neatly slicked-back hair, causing a few stiff strands to fall onto his forehead.

Something inside you wanted to be mad at him. It was his fault after all. If he had been more careful and a little less trigger-happy none of this would have happened. However, Tolya’s weight still very much present on your legs substituted your anger with worry. “Kirigin, I’ll need some help getting him to the Lazlayon. He needs to be looked at by someone more…medically-inclined than me.”

Emil nodded his head reverently, calling over a few of the other men that had joined him in his hunting party. With their help, you heaved him back to his feet. His nails dug into your shoulder as you helped him walk to your horse; neither of you trusted his horse enough to not throw him off again. It was quite the struggle, but after a lot of cursing and griping coming from the normally very composed Heartrender, you reached the opulent mansion just before the sun had vanished behind the mountain range completely.

Upon entering, the count immediately called for a medik, showing the two of you to his drawing room while he flittered through the foyer in a frenzy. Tolya let himself fall onto one of the plush divans with a groan. His hand flew to his side as soon as his back met the fabric underneath him, flinching as he seemed to have pressed down too hard. It was a strange picture to see him look this helpless. He appeared small and vulnerable, almost as if a bare touch could cause him to break and crumble.

“Don’t move,” you requested gently, one of your hands reaching out to take hold of his. He was aware that this gesture was merely meant to give him a piece of reassurance; you wanted to give him something to hold on to, something to get his mind off of the erupting pain in his chest. Still, a nimble twinge of hope sent a burning wave of longing through his body. “I think you may have broken a rib. After your fall earlier that would be one of the lesser evils,” you assessed, letting the fingers of your free hand brush over the clothed expanse of his chest. “We should probably pass a message to Nikolai. You can’t be expected to take on the ride back anytime soon. But all of that can wait until tomorrow.”

The medik arrived just as you closed your mouth, forbidding Tolya from saying anything in response to your short-lived ramblings. He was a bit miffed by the fact that the person treating him was a simple medik instead of an actual Healer that could have fixed him up in the blink of an eye. However, a faint memory of Kuwei accidentally setting a whole section of the laboratory on fire told him that their presence was a bit more required downstairs. 

He was ripped from his thoughts when the medik pushed down on his ribcage with unexpected force. A jolt of pain flashed through him again, and embarrassingly enough, that only caused his grip on your hand to tighten. You didn’t show any sign of discomfort as he did so, entirely concentrated on providing the tiniest bit of comfort you could offer him.

“Fractured rib,” the woman beside you muttered, her brows furrowed as she looked at his exposed chest stomach. “This will take a few weeks to heal on its own. We can send for a Healer as soon as one’s available, but that will probably take just as long. The new project is keeping everyone busy, I’m afraid.”

“I will send a letter to the King,” the Count interjected, rubbing his palms together in an attempt to cope with his nervousness. “The Healers at the Grand Palace are often more willing to make the trip than the ones we have on our hands here. I’m certain he would do everything in his power to ensure that one of his most trusted…guards is back in his service as soon as possible.”

“I suppose that would be for the better.” The medik took out a few differently coloured vials from the pouch on her hip, handing them to you as if the person needing them wasn’t also in the room with you. “These are painkillers. Make sure he takes one of these twice a day.” You nodded along slowly, letting go of Tolya’s hand to not drop any of the flimsy flasks. “It would be best if someone keeps an eye on him for now. Especially after taking the medicine. In case the pain gets worse, you know where to find me.” She directed her gaze at Emil who merely dismissed her with a grateful wave of his hand.

“Thank you for…taking the initiative.” You gave him a brief smile, sitting on the armrest of the sofa where Tolya was still laying. Slowly but surely, the heaviness of the day began seeping through your bones.

“But of course! That’s the least I could do after causing such a mishap.” He pursed his lips but opted to force them into a straight line while he pondered his next words. “I shall send for a servant to mind you during the night if that’s alright with you. Someone should probably be there to attend to you, just in case something happens.” 

Tolya looked up at him, evidently not too fond of his suggestion. The idea of having some stranger even do as much as stay in the same room as he slept didn’t sit right with him at all. “I…appreciate your kindness, Count Kirigin. However, I would prefer it if you refrained from doing anything like that. I’m certain it will be fine if I’m left unsupervised for the night.”

“The count has a point,” you reasoned, a distinct expression of worry present on your face. “You’re hurt; don’t be so blasé about it. It would genuinely be better if someone is there for you. At least for tonight.”

“Maybe you could stay with him for the night if it’s the aspect of familiarity he’s concerned with?” Emil offered, his eyes darting between the two of you nervously. If his upper body had allowed it, Tolya would have shot upright in his seat after hearing that. As much as he hated the notion of having someone else practically babysit him while he was asleep, anyone else would be a better option than you. He wouldn’t survive spending a night under these circumstances.

His suggestion caught you off guard with what felt like brute force. He was a good friend; one of your closest actually. Yet you had never even seen the inside of his bedroom. Spending the night in the same room, no matter under what circumstances, seemed like a terrible way to improve that friendship.

“I… Tolya? Your call.” You shifted all the responsibility of decision-making onto the Heartrender, giving him an apologetic look while he struggled to find the right words.

He mentally considered all the implications this action might entail. What if he snored? What if he talked in his sleep? What if the medicine made him do or say things he might regret? What if nothing out of the ordinary happens and he was just diving into the worst-case scenarios? “If I have to choose, I’d prefer your presence,” he mumbled, instantly clamping his eyes shut in order to avoid looking at your face while you let his words sink in. 

“It’s decided then,” you chirped, slumping off your seat to carefully place the ampoules in your bag. You sounded pretty much unbothered by the prospect of sharing a room for the night. Weren’t you even a little bit uncomfortable with that?  He should be glad that you were taking this situation so well, however, your unexpected nonchalance concerning the topic made every last speck of hope that you could possibly like him back dwindle down to nothing.

“Very well!” Kirigin clasped his hands together with a resounding clap, the jovial nature returning to his face in an instant. “Now, if you’d be so inclined - and able -, please follow me upstairs to the guest bedrooms.”

The guest bedrooms of the count’s estate reminded you of the countless ornate rooms you had seen at the Grand Palace; broad wide rooms with high ceilings and long windows that made them appear more like a makeshift dining hall than an actual bedchamber. Needless to say, the Lazlayon was a bit more bucolic than what you were used to seeing in the capital, but the white walls and the rococo king-size bed definitely opposed every notion of humility one might expect if there was no prior knowledge of Kirigin’s spendthrift way of living.

Neither of you really had enough willpower to change into your nightclothes, so you merely rid yourself of the thick jackets and clunky boots, which you mindlessly tossed on top of your bags. The bedding would be changed in the morning anyway.

It was a terribly awkward scene, the tension practically electrifying the air around you. Tolya sat on the bed, his back perched on the carved headboard while he watched you scurry around the room like a rabbit in front of a rifle. You also seemed to have realised what the offer of staying in the same room for the night might imply; your previous casualness being gone completely.

“Here,” you said, handing him one of the vials the medik had given you earlier. He took the medicine from your hands, eying it with a suspicious expression. In comparison to his hand, the tiny bottle looked like a prop right out of a doll house. The image of comparing your hand to his popped into your mind, but you hastily shooed it away, thinking about how inappropriate that thought was. “Drink. I’ll get you some water to help with the taste in case you need it.” 

Quickly, he downed the viscous medicine, cringing at the sickly-sweet flavour that spread inside his mouth as he swallowed. As soon as the liquid went down his throat, he had to stifle a cough, the taste only getting worse the longer he occupied his mind with it.

You plopped down on the empty spot next to him, cautious to not spill any of the water that you held out for him. When he reached out to take the glass, your hands touched his for a split second, your fingertips barely brushing over his. Still, that simple gesture was enough to make his head spin. Saints, he hated that you had that effect on him.

“Thank you,” he breathed out, not quite knowing what exactly he thanked you for. Thank you for being there for me when I fell off that damned horse? Thank you for holding my hand earlier? Thank you for staying with me tonight? Thank you for getting me that glass of water? He could probably think about at least a hundred things to thank you for off the top of his head.

“How are you feeling?” Your voice sounded just as sweet as the medicine tasted, he thought. He just liked listening to your voice a whole lot better. Were the painkillers already kicking in?

“Better. Sore, but better. I’m dreading thinking about what Nikolai will say once he gets wind of this.” He let his head slump against the wall behind him, his eyes glancing at you furtively as you scanned his body for any sort of unease or pain he might still feel.

“Forget Nikolai. He can survive without you for a bit longer. And Tamar is still there to save his ass when it comes down to it.” You gave him a quick smile, taking his hand to give it a reassuring squeeze before leaving his side again. “The only thing that matters now is that you’re getting better. No matter whether that happens naturally or with the help of a Healer."

“I’d prefer it happening through the help of a Healer,” he muttered under his breath, scowling at the idea of having to spend another six weeks alone in the confines of a bed without being able to follow his usual duties.

“Well, an actual break would do you some good every once in a while. After everything that Nikolai put you through during the last few years, you should be eligible to take off at least a few months without him being allowed to say anything against it.”

“So eager to get rid of me now?”

A sharp snort escaped your mouth as you looked at him, the feigned pout on his lips making him look like a kicked puppy. Sometimes you had the suspicion that Nikolai’s inherent obnoxiousness was rubbing off on him.

“Believe it or not, I still like being around you. Even though you now gave me the added stress factor of having to keep a close eye on you when we’re around horses.” You walked over to one of the cushioned armchairs that decorated the corner of the room, leaning against it without actually sitting in it. “And If I really would be so eager to get rid of you I wouldn’t have agreed to play your nursemaid for the night. Especially not if I had known that I’d have to sleep in one of these forsaken chairs. Kirigin could have at least given us a double room.”

Tolya’s previously playful expression dropped. He had been so hung up on the fact that you’d be with him for the entire night that he had completely neglected to think about the logistics of his request. Had he known that you’d end up sleeping in a chair rather than a bed, he would have answered differently. 

An unwelcome thought clawed its way into his mind; he wanted to strangle it before it could properly manifest. Had he been Nikolai or Tamar he would have immediately sprung into action, offering you his bed, and probably also his heart while he was at it. But he wasn’t like either of them. He wasn’t brash, or romantic, or even socially intelligent. These attributes would be foreign on him, like a coat that was just a bit too big to fit correctly - contorting his actual silhouette to make him look like something he wasn’t.

“Are you okay?” you asked, a worried undertone present as you spoke. He quickly closed his mouth, straightening out his features to appear more collected than he felt before fixing his gaze on you again. You didn’t only sound worried, you also looked the part; eyebrows tightly knitted together while a distinct flash of concern gloomed in your eyes. “Are you still in pain? Should I get-”

“No, it’s- I’m fine, Y/N. I was just thinking…” 

“Care to share with the class?”

Even though everything inside him rebelled against opening his mouth and speaking his mind, his heart moved quicker than his mind could process. “Sleeping in an armchair can’t be comfortable. We could share the bed,” he trailed off, watching as you gawked at him like a fish on land. “If you want to, that is.” He felt the need to add that, even if it was only enough to calm his raging nerves.

“Tolya, you’re hurt. You need the rest more than I do. I can’t possibly do that in good conscience.” The room was filled to the brim with the nervousness exuding off of the two of you. It was almost sad to watch you two stumble over your own words, acting as if you were two little schoolchildren that both had a crush on the other.

Seemingly taking your refusal as a challenge, he awkwardly shuffled towards the edge of the bed, leaving the other side very clearly unoccupied. “Would that be enough space for you?” Your eyes darted from the comfortable-looking bed to the stiff armchair you had originally intended to sleep in. Much to your dismay, the bed did look more inviting than the chair could ever be.

“I really don’t want to make you uncomfortable,” was everything you could muster up to talk yourself out of it. A futile attempt at not giving in to the want clouding your coherent thoughts ever since being in the same room as Tolya.

“You wouldn’t.” You couldn’t. “Trust me, I don’t mind. I couldn’t let you sleep in a bloody chair with a good conscience either.” As if to underline his statement, he patted the empty space next to him.

With an exasperated sigh, you shook off the roots that had metaphorically formed around your ankles and moved to the offered side of the bed. You felt terribly awkward as you slid into bed right next to him. You two had never been this close. Not in this context.

“Thank you,” you whispered, laying flat on your back with your hands folded over your stomach. He mirrored your movement soon after, albeit a bit slower.

He wanted to say something - anything - to relieve some of the tension buzzing between you. But everything he could have said wouldn’t have improved the situation in the slightest. Just like a few hours ago in the woods, the silence was anything but silent.

“You really scared me earlier, do you know that?” you mumbled, breaking through the uncomfortable silence. Again, he thought. “This could have ended with way worse consequences than a fractured rib.”

“I know.” The words were heavy on his tongue, suffocating him. Up until the possibility that worse things could have happened had sounded like an impossible what-if situation to him. But judging by the honest fear in your voice, he really could have suffered a fate way worse than being forced to rest for an uncertain amount of time. The only feeling he could recall after his fall was the dizziness of laying on top of your lap and the intoxicating touch of your hands on his cheeks. He didn’t even think that he genuinely registered the pain in his chest until he felt the impulse to move. “Thankfully, we didn’t have to find out exactly how badly this could have ended.”

“Good. I honestly wouldn’t have known what to do if you hadn’t woken up. What I would do without you.” The last sentence was so unexpected that it almost knocked the air out of his lungs. You had your way of catching him off-guard with your words that was so brutal, but equally as stunning.

“You won’t have to that out either. Not if I can help it.” He wanted to tell you. He wanted to tell you so badly that breathing normally became more and more difficult. But he couldn’t. Not right now. And maybe not ever.

Silence fell over you again. It was such a stark contrast to the chaos raging inside his head that he barely noticed when you turned to lay on your side, facing him. He forced his eyes to close in hopes of at least getting a few full hours of sleep before he was pushed back into a world where it wasn’t normal for you to sleep next to him.

“Tolya?” you whispered, resisting the urge to nudge him. 

“Mhm?” he murmured, eyes still clamped shut.

He heard you shuffling next to him, probably to put a bit of distance between you and him. “I have to tell you something.” You shuffled again, the mattress giving in ever so slightly when you did. You were sitting up now. “This might be a terrible time to do so, but I have to get it off my chest.” That caught his attention enough to look at you again. You sounded so serious.

“Uhm, sure, go for it.” To say that he was concerned would have been an understatement. His whole body tensed, much to the dismay of his fractured ribcage.

“I don’t recall the last time when I was genuinely so afraid of someone I care about not being alright, but what I felt when you didn’t wake up at first was way worse than just being scared. I'm not sure how to tell you this, and I’ve been putting this off for quite some time now. But I don’t just care about you like how I care about the others. I think I'm in love with you." The last words tumbled from your lips in a hurry, so quickly that he almost didn’t comprehend what you were saying. He could have sworn that this was a fever dream. Maybe the medicine had kicked in way stronger than he expected it to. Maybe he was genuinely going mad. Whatever it was, it didn’t feel real.

You realised how badly timed this confession was as soon as you saw the completely befuddled expression that was plastered all over his face. Suddenly, sleeping on the armchair looked way more appealing than the shared bed. You felt like you were trapped in a mass of writhing quicksand, slowly but surely devouring you until there was nothing left to take. This was way more embarrassing than you had imagined.

“I, uhm, this was a mistake.” You felt your cheeks heat up, burning you until you couldn’t take it anymore. You needed to get out of this bed. Preferably also this room. “It would be best if I leave, I’m so sorry. I’ll go downstairs to call fo-” 

Tolya seized your wrist just as you wanted to throw the covers off of you. The rash movement caused him to wince slightly, but he didn’t let go of you. A thousand questions forced their way into his mind, and he could answer none of them. 

“Wait.” He didn’t know what else to say. But he knew that you needed to stay. “Are…are you being sincere?”

“What? Of course? Do you genuinely think I would make a joke out of something like that? Especially in our…current situation?” you questioned, absolutely bewildered that he thought you were joking around.

At this point, his face was beet red. He couldn’t tell where his embarrassment came from. Whether it was the fact that he had been tiptoeing around his feelings for months by now while you felt the same or the fact that he had the genuine audacity to ask you if you were kidding.

“Tolya, I can understand that this makes you uncom-”

“No, no, don’t!” His grip on your wrist tightened as you tried to wriggle yourself out of his grasp. That was his cue to say something. Anything if it made you stay.

“What do you mean?”

“I love you too,” he blurted, maybe a bit too quickly. But the fear of having to watch you leave made his heart act before his brain could.

“You do?”

“Do you genuinely think I would make a joke out of something like that?” He gave you a sheepish smile, his eyes gleaming with adoration. Saints, he really was in love. “I never said anything because I didn’t think you’d feel the same.”

He had intended to let go of your hand, giving you a moment to process what he had just said. You didn’t let him pull away though. Instead, you took his hand in your own, tightly squeezing it before allowing your lips to curl up into a wide smile.

“Sounds like we’re both idiots then.”

“At least we’re idiots in love.”

“But idiots nonetheless," you laughed, your heart thudding even louder when you heard Tolya join you.

Taglist:

Grishaverse fics in general: @yesshewrites1 @dal-light @treasureofmy-heart

Tolya Yul-Bataar: @juneberrie @horny4knives

[a-losthope]

soldier, poet, king - tolya yul-bataar x reader

a/n: reader is sister of nikolai, feminine pronouns are used but no physical characteristics are ever described. ty for all of the love <3

Your brother would fire him if he found out that you had even considered Tolya in a romantic way. Not out of any disdain for him- out of anyone you could have grown fondness for, you were sure that Nikolai would prefer Tolya over the numerous suitors that waited for you back at Os Alta, but out of a protectiveness of you, as if you weren't perfectly capable of taking care of yourself.

“What are you thinking about?” Tamar asked, leaning against the wooden side of the ship, bright eyes looking at you.

”Nothing.”

“You know I can tell when you're lying.”

”When has that ever stopped me?”

Tamar scoffed, a smile pulling at the edges of her lips.

“Never,” She said, her eyes shining. “I don't know why I even ask, your heart only beats like that when you're thinking about my brother.”

Your heart jumped and Tamar let out another breathy laugh, feeling it without any effort.

“Too easy.” She said smugly and you rolled your eyes.

“Not funny.”

“Speak for yourself, moya tsarevna.” She said and you cringed at the title.

“As soon as Nik becomes king, I’m banning you from using that title.”

“Not Tolya though?” She asked, raising an eyebrow and gave her a look.

“I’m going to push you off this boat.”

A firm arm went around your shoulders, startling you and from the other side of you, Tolya grinned down at you.

“Now you know I love you, but why are you threatening to throw my sister off the boat?” He asked jokingly and you prayed to every Saint that your heart wasn’t going as fast as you felt it was.

You looked at Tamar and instantly regretted it, barely contained laughter on her lips.

“As first mate, I demand it.” You said stoically in response, a small smile on your lips and Tolya raised his eyebrows, removing his arm from your shoulder.

“Well, we should at least run it by Sturmhond.” 

“Oh who are we kidding, he’d choose you over me everyday.” You joked, able to relax more now that you weren’t in direct contact with Tolya.

“I’ll choose you then.” Tolya said and your smile softened at the sweetness of the sentiment.

“Spoken like a poet.” Tamar teased and Tolya scoffed, but beamed at the accusation.

“Do you think you would be happy, living a life like the one Nikolai and I had?”

“Back in the castle?” Tolya asked and you nodded. “I mean, I know you’re both going to go back eventually. Me and Tamar will be there as your guards.”

“Not as guards though, as… forget it, I’m just being silly.”

Tolya looked at you, studied for you for a moment with only the moonlight illuminating your features, peering off into seemingly endless sea.

“It’s not silly.” He said, moving so that he was ever so slightly closer to you. “I’ve never really thought about it before. Do you think I’d make a good noble?”

“No,” You answered quickly. “You’re too kindhearted. You’re too good.”

“So are you.” Tolya argued and you smiled.

“And I’m hardly the picture of good noble, I ran off with my older brother to play pirate- sorry privateer.”  You said. “I’ve always been a better soldier than princess, much to my mother’s dismay. I used to sneak off and follow Nikolai to his basic training instead of go to etiquette classes.”

Tolya snorted and you couldn’t help the smile that appeared on your face.

“I’m glad you skipped your etiquette classes, I like you how you are.”

Your heart jumped. Tolya looked over at you but didn’t say anything.

“Why do you ask? About me being a noble?” He pressed and you shook your head.

“As much as maybe me and Nik want it to, this can’t last forever. We have to go home at some point, him to try to take the throne that Vasily has never wanted, and me to sit around as set dressing, I suppose. To get married. I just… it really is silly, Tolya.” You said, standing up and preparing to walk away before he stood up and quickly caught your wrist, making you look at him.

“Tell me.” He said softly, letting go of your wrist. “Please.”

You took a step closer to him before grabbing his hand and putting it on the cloth covering your heart.

“Do you really not know?” You took a deep breath, painfully aware of how fast your heart was racing. “I’m not asking for marriage or anything like that, I’m asking… I don’t know what I’m asking.”

“May I kiss you?”

“Yes.”

His hands moved to your shoulders and he leaned down, pressing his lips against yours gently. He pulled away, his hands still on you.

“As long as you will have me, I will be here.” 

[a-losthope]

tolya yul-bataar

Navigation┃Main Masterlist┃Request

Angst: ☾ ┃ Fluff: ♡ ┃ Hurt/Comfort: ☆ ┃ Smut: ♤

"Why don't I ask Tolya to soothe you by reciting some poetry."

oneshots

underneath the surface (♡ / ☆) → Nikolai plans on going down into the hidden labs of Lazlayon, but Tolya reveals his fear of caves to the reader. How can they help him?

The man standing next to you only shot him a dissatisfied glance, chewing on the inside of his cheeks as his eyes darted over the stone in front of him. You didn’t quite know why he felt so uncomfortable with caves and underground exploration, but you were well aware that he did get unusually stressed whenever Nikolai would mention the possibility of being faced with the issue.

maybe i should try harder (♡ / ☆) → The reader doesn't feel like she belongs with the others so Tolya is there to comfort her.

However, exactly the one person that you assumed would never notice, grew the most concerned for you. Your sudden absence mixed with your change in behaviour was quite disconcerting to him, especially when he realized that none of the others seemed to know exactly what was going on with you.

i glow pink in the night (☆) → In fear of losing the other, Tolya and the reader decided to split before the war began. But what happens afterwards?

You couldn’t believe it at first. If Nadia hadn't told you the news with tears in her eyes and a victorious grin on her lips, effectively waking you up from your dazed state, you probably still wouldn’t be able to believe it. The Civil War was finally over.

tearing it all down (☾ / ☆) → Tolya tries to get along with the one person he hates, but now, other feelings threaten to come to the surface.

Tolya wouldn't say that he particularly hated, or even disliked, anyone. His faith had taught him that hatred was rarely ever justified, and merely the utterly blasphemous or cruel are deserving of his hostility. But you? You were certainly making him question that belief.

snowball fight (♡) → Snow shenanigans with Tolya.

Tolya truly had a love-hate relationship with winter. On one hand, he loved the snow, the festivities and spending time with his friends. On the other hand, the stinging cold of the snow and the harsh winds made him want to throw himself off the highest tower of the Grand Palace. 

you are foolish to want (☾ / ☆) → Tolya and the reader are on their way to the Lazlayon until unforeseen circumstances put a slight dent in their plans.

He couldn’t be sure how much longer the path ahead of you could possibly still drag on; all he knew was that he likely wouldn’t be able to stay awake for the entirety of it. The tension of riding next to you alone would have usually been enough to keep him from falling asleep. Hell, the thought of you alone did the job well enough already. Yet something about this time felt different. 

two-parters

on waters so inviting, i almost jump in pt. 1┃pt. 2 (☾ / ☆) → Tolya and the reader have been pining over the other since they met, but Tolya is too scared to get too close, since he and the reader are just seemingly too different.

“You know, normally I’d tell you to quit staring at them, but I don’t think I can blame you when they look this good.” Tamar appeared next to her brother without a warning, almost causing him to jump out of his skin. She looked awfully smug and he hated that he knew exactly what was going through her head.

headcanons

tolya yul-bataar x reader dating headcanons (♡)

tolya yul-bataar x chaotic!reader dating headcanons (♡)

[a-losthope]

🦔 Can't go back

Peaceful night with Tolya where you just cuddle and read books and recite poetry together (I am hopelessly in love with this man, forgive me 😂)

reading with tolya <333

Your bedroom was bathed in a comfortable orange glow when you entered, the only sounds around you being the turning of pages and an occasional mumbling coming from the man sitting on your bed. Tolya turned his head ever so slightly to look at you and his lips curled up in a smile upon noticing that it was you.

"Good evening, love." He put aside his book, careful to mark the page where he left off. "Tea?"

He gestured to the steaming samovar he had neatly placed on his nightstand, next to it, a collection of tea cups. It hadn't been there when you left for training in the morning and you were a bit quizzical on why he felt the need to have it right next to the bed, but you weren't going to question it.

"Yes, please." You let yourself fall onto the mattress right by his side and listened to him pour another cup of tea.

"Already tired?" he laughed, a deep breathy chuckle reverberating in the room as he spoke.

By now, your face was buried in the heap of pillows and you were barely able to concentrate on the words he said.

"A bit." A lot. "But I still wanted to read a bit."

"We can read together if you like."

"I'd like that."

→ to my event post!

[a-losthope]

Don't mind me....Just refreshing the "Tolya x reader" tags ever since I finished season 2

[a-losthope]

Little Red Blossom

Nikolai Lantsov x fem!heartrender!reader

Summary - The insufferable captain of the ship that gave you home turned out to be the boy who disappeared clutching it in his fingers.\

Warnings - talk of murder (sorta), please let me know if any!

A/N   This is my first hand at writing for Nikolai so yes!  Nobody knows me. And we keep it that way.

Insufferable. That’s the word you would use to describe the captain of Volkvolny. Why? You’d never know but you had a fleeting suspicion that it was simply the familiar charming aura that he seemed to wear with pride.

“Hello, dear,” the familiar soft voice cut through the violent sound of the waves crashing against the hull of the ship, “It’s quite a nice view, isn’t it?”

“Do you not have any work to do?” You muttered and a sigh tore its way out. With a second thought, you added for safety measures, “Kapitan.”

“I don’t think it is a right for prisoners to ask the captain questions,” he smirked, “But it’s my duty to have everyone aboard satisfied. So, I’ll answer your question: I am, in fact, doing my work, but you might just not notice it,” he winked.

“And why is that not?” You scowled.

Keep reading

[a-losthope]

Tolya ❤️🗡️

I need more Tolya x Reader fics or i'll actually combust- i want a fic thats like Tolyas your bodyguard because you own a casino (gambling Queen/king/royalty or smth)

[a-losthope]

i like my fictional men warm as a freshly baked brownie and my fictional women cold as an old cup of bitter coffee. i hope you know what i mean.

[a-losthope]

Sue Zhao

[a-losthope]

Other People: Why the hell do you like Eddie Munson so much?

Me: I don’t know, he’s cute or something.

Me on the inside: (thinking about how his persona is a front to protect himself, how fast he tried to make Chrissy comfortable as soon as he saw she was nervous, how he celebrated his players killing his campaign boss instead of being pissed about it, how he nearly cried on the radio hiding under skull rock, how he jumped into the lake despite his terror, how he told Steve about Nancy’s actions even though he absolutely could have said nothing, how deep down he’s just a big gold-hearted softie struggling with his grades and sense of belonging in Hawkins, how he-)

[a-losthope]

𝖙𝖍𝖊 𝖒𝖎𝖝𝖙𝖆𝖕𝖊 𝖊𝖉𝖉𝖎𝖊 𝖒𝖚𝖓𝖘𝖔𝖓 𝖜𝖔𝖚𝖑𝖉 𝖒𝖆𝕶𝖊 𝖋𝖔𝖗 𝖞𝖔𝖚

send help i’m way too down for him

🎧 listen 🎧