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82letters · 2 months

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14/02/2024

(unHappy Valentine’s Day)

How can this come as a surprise

I never wore a disguise

When you were merely trying to survive

I was always on your side

It’s laughable now that I have grown

But you once made me feel so alone

You’ve made me contemptuous

By being so disingenuous

To get out I had to go through it

I loved you, you knew it

But don’t get it confused

That same love has been discontinued

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82letters · 4 months

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01/01/24

19:30

I’ve been trying to sweep this under the rug, but something about him is just so smug

I’m alone with my honesty, they’re presenting with modesty

One of us has to be getting lied to because both things can’t be true

I can’t forgive this, even how I try

And I wish my dad were here, cause he’d be on my side

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82letters · 4 months

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27/12/2023

22:50

We used to read each others minds

Different faces on the same penny

When everybody let me down

You were always right around

Now I zoom in on Facebook photos

Since you got your fancy new clothes

What you’re up to, I never do know

And when we talk, it’s all just for show

We could once see each others hearts

Now we have never been further apart

The cracks have gone so deep

That I no longer lose sleep

I’m sure it’s right, I’m sure you’re happy

In that fight, you lost me

As you sweep it all under the rug

Do the memories of us ever eat you up?

You once said nobody knows you like I do

But now I don’t have a single clue

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82letters · 9 months

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26/06/2023

22:50

I’ve learnt so much

I want to show you

That now I hold a grudge

Cause there was much

More life for us to do

I apologise for when I was 20

So happy I was finally free

Now what I wouldn’t give

For one more kiss

It’s unjust you were taken from me

I don’t know if you can hear me where you are

Or if it’s even a place

So I’m going to say it to the stars

Just incase

You’re implanted in every single thing I do

I still don’t understand how the world is still turning without you

I pretend I am okay every single fucking day

Because it’s what everyone else wants me to say

But I don’t cry

In fact I don’t even think about it

You know why

If I did I think I’d lose it

And I don’t know if you can hear me where you are

If it’s even a place

So I’m going to say it to the stars

Just incase

Incase you’re listening

Incase you hear me singing

Incase you see her sometimes

Incase you try to send me signs

Because I know you, I know what you’d do

You’d say I’m silly for even

Believe in thinking

You’d ever really be leaving

Well, I don’t know if you can hear me where you are

If it’s even a place

So I’m just gonna say it to the stars

I love you (always)

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82letters · 9 months

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I don’t see you as clear

As I did when you were here

I’m so scared of losing you completely

I wish you were still with me

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82letters · 9 months

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05/11/22

14:03

Friday night, I gave in

Three years on, how you been?

Guess we’re diving straight in

Let’s discuss our ageing

How’s your job? Heard you had a child

No I never thought, you would be exiled

From something that you helped build

But you were always stronger willed

Than you ever knew

Your empire you’ll renew

And this time I won’t watch you rise

It was the hardest thing becoming what you left behind

It’s like we faded into the black

But I won’t talk about that

So how is home? I’m sure you’ve never been

Any more happier than you seem

I suppose that’s social media for you

You only show what you wish to be true

Are you still travelling? you were such a nomad

Did you give her a ring? Do you love being a dad?

I know you never saw this for your life

But I know you think it’s just right

And this time I won’t watch you shine

It was the hardest thing being the one thing you left behind

It’s like I faded into black

But I didn’t come here to talk about that

An apology that you rejected

Finally some validation that was completely unexpected

All these words I collected

Another goodbye, I’m unaffected

Because after so long, it’s been perfected

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82letters · 1 year

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05/11/22

14:40

I wished you the worst

I’ll admit that first

But now that it’s yours

I regret that choice

I take it all back

Because it just doesn’t help

To bite and attack

Does nothing for my health

And now that you’re in pain

I’m feeling insane

For feeling sad

Feeling bad

When I prayed for karma relentlessly

I wanted you to hurt the way you hurt me

Just some justice senselessly

But really

I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy

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82letters · 1 year

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05/11/22

13:44

Curiosity killed the cat

I’ve since grown claws

Three years have passed

Since I was last yours

And you’re in the land of dragons

I’m in this dead end town

Repeating same old patterns

That led us to now

Can you believe

After all we’ve seen

This is how things played out

I guess that I mean

Back in 2016

You were the one thing I was sure about

And I don’t regret the way things have gone

It was for the better and I know that you know

But I guess if it taught me anything

It’s that I don’t know anything

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82letters · 2 years

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I have visions

You never left me

I can live free in this fantasy until reality gets me

#poetry #excerpt from a book i'll never write #love #prose poetry #poem #spilled poems #poetry on tumblr #poets corner #spilled poetry #rhyming poetry #papi #daddy #baba

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82letters · 2 years

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24/12/21

20:25

I wondered how you were

Really I guess curiosity got to me

It’s always a dangerous game to search your name

I always end up feeling pain at how you don’t accept the blame

But I did it anyway

I did a scroll down

I even accidentally typed up the name that I used to call you

Initially

How foolish of me

I know you don’t present yourself the way that you are deep down

I found you now

I was closing that app within the same minute

And I really hate to admit this

But I found I really really really really really really really

I didn’t care

I swear

I didn’t care

It was almost laughable

Infact I did have a good laugh

Your need for attention is adorable

Were you not loved enough?

And I used to be blind to these red flags because I wanted to fix you, how sad is that?

Now red is all I see

I’m glad you’re not looking at me

You’re someone else’s headache and I’m finally fucking free

So this is something to say in the end

I don’t even miss being your friend

(I shouldn’t say that)

I gotta write about it because this is a new feeling when it comes to you

I’m so used to feeling everything but this feelings overdue

I swear

It’s so nice to not care

Maybe it’s my time for good luck

Maybe I missed when the thunder struck

This is all forms of good luck

Finally becoming unstuck

I’d wish you well but sweetie I don’t give a fuck

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82letters · 2 years

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05/12/2021

21:09

It must be so lonely in your cold tower

Where you’re kicking out people who question your power

It must be so taxing on your mental health

To play the victim with such expert stealth

But tell me, when it’s hits 3am

Do you wonder about your old friends

And when the seasons change

Do you like staying the same

The same old negative self absorbed person I ever adored

Hard to please, shit talking me, and denying it in front of my receipts

Rewind and reset the tape, rewrite the narrative

It couldn’t have been your mistake

You’re too damn perfect

Then onto the next

I’ve never seen such a victim complex

It must be so wild in your fantasies

I wonder how you now paint me

A Disney villain, heart of stone

Tell them how I left you all alone

When all you ever did was love me your hardest

Of the hearts, you are a con artist

But tell me, when it’s past midnight

Do you ever wonder if maybe you’re not always right

And when the skies get dark

Do you like reliving your past

The same old negative self absorbed person I ever adored

Hard to please, shit talking me, and denying it in front of my receipts

Rewind and reset the tape, rewrite the narrative

It couldn’t have been your mistake

You’re too damn perfect

Then onto the next

You’re the queen of the victim complex

I don’t wish much for you, and I don’t care if you learn

It’s the most freeing thing, I never want to return

I said what I wanted, you said I overreacted

But now I don’t feel haunted by words I redacted

For the first time in a while I feel like me

For the first time in a while I feel happy

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82letters · 2 years

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30/11/21

22:39

I see how your face lights up at the mention of their name

I see everything you think I don’t

And how it’s just all the same

As when I had you, it’s deja vu, except this time I’m watching you with somebody new

So don’t tell me I’m still your number one priority

Because I can feel all your love leaving me

You forget I loved you first

I know this story verse by verse

I’ve been the one loved by you

And I know all the ways that you love too

As you wash me out of your hair, I won’t say a word or show I care

Just like you always wanted it to be

I will let you silently leave me

I see the words you used to say to me, as though I was rehearsal, you don’t miss a beat

Now you gave me free tickets to the main show and I have to watch it all, front row

So cheers to you and this rerun, hope the both of you have real fun

But don’t tell me I’m still your number one priority

Because I can feel all your love leaving me

You forget I loved you first

I know this story verse by verse

I’ve been the one loved by you

And I know all the ways that you love too

As you wash me out of your hair, I won’t say a word or show I care

Just like you always wanted it to be

I will let you silently leave me

It’s funny I felt slightly like a third wheel in something that was mine still

Now it makes sense, it wasn’t all in my head

I see it playing out

You were on the fence, you jumped over instead

I didn’t make a sound

Just like you always wanted it to be

I will let you silently leave me

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82letters · 2 years

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31/10/21

18:55

In your tilted home

Hope you always know

I will never ever leave you alone

They say you’re mine

But you’re one of your kind

I’ll be there to hold you through the nights

Every new thing that you learn will come and go

I’ll always be the one thing you always know

When you decided to become a part of me, I vowed to be your remedy

I’ll still love you even when you hate me

I’m sorry I was scared to love you

But I knew it would be deep

The truth is I still wanted you and I hope you hear that in my heart beat

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82letters · 2 years

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10/09/21

08:44

There’s roads named after you in this town

I’ve been avoiding them

You’ve been avoiding me

I wonder how you might be doing now

Stuck to you like chewing gum

You might disagree

But I think things could’ve been different

If you had learnt to listen

And I was not so afraid

From the moment you showed interest

There was no one else on my list

I knew no other names

I never said that to your face

I wonder what would’ve happened if you had stayed

But that’s just a fantasy in my mind

About me and you in another time

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82letters · 2 years

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02/09/21

23:56

In a blink of an eye

All I knew was gone

In the time it took to sigh

I had nothing to count on

The world reset

And it all went back

But I have this fear

I no longer belong here

Cant you see everything has changed in me

So I cannot go back to who I used to be

That is not my world anymore

I am not the girl I was before

(I cannot go back

I cannot backtrack

I cannot go back)

At the ticking of the clock

Everything I knew just stopped

And I felt I had nothing to believe in

Cause I had unlocked

Something I thought I lost

I guess now it really has been

Cant you see everything has changed in me

So I cannot go back to who I used to be

That is not my world anymore

I am not the girl I was before

(I cannot go back

I cannot backtrack

I cannot go back)

I’m in this inbetween of who the damn I should be

When all I wanna be is anything but me

I was happier alone now I blame myself

And any God above who just leaves me on the shelf

That is where I’ll stay gathering dust here on my jacket

Just Incase life tries to make this a habit

Well, I’ve got nowhere else to be

That is not my world anymore

I am not the girl I was before

I cannot go back

I’ve got nothing to return to

I cannot backtrack

And say these are lessons that I’ve learned

Do you, know how hard it is to be so bloody positive?

When all you feel inside is the complete opposite

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82letters · 2 years

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22/08/2021

21:31

I don’t know why I look

I don’t know why I do this to myself

All the time that it took

Piling up all the books

One knock and they fall off the shelf

Now I’m beating myself up

Because I feel I never measured up

How come I still don’t feel enough

When I gave everything

And I’m still holding my breath

Even though I’ve taken all the steps

Away from him

I don’t know why I dwell

It’s been so long as well

I don’t think I’ll ever get over it

It’s just that I don’t understand

The door that I opened was slammed

Everytime

And he makes me feel so crazy that I almost believe in it

I said I was his remedy but I was just a kid and he knew that

So I gave everything

And I’m still holding my breath

Even though I’ve taken all the steps

Away from him

Are you an amnesiac

I want those years back

I haven’t let myself love like that

And it was my doing

I just kept pursuing

You welcomed the attention

With no strings so you could run

Deep down, I know that wasn’t love

It was living under your thumb

Letting go is so much harder

Without a single shred of closure

When I gave everything

I’m still holding my breath

Even though I’ve taken the steps

Away from him

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82letters · 2 years

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A slice of toast will suffice if we wanna get fucked up tonight

Google taught us the cheapest ways to drink

We’re dancing down the street, making friends with whoever we meet

Rizzo and Sandy, it couldn’t be planned we would grab our phones and head for the road

So fearless

Just the two of us

We watch the romantic movies, talk about how these guys don’t exist

Like Noah centineo, even Evan peters as the American ghost

People will search their whole lives and won’t even care who they leave behind

I’m so lucky I know in the end my real soulmate is in my best friend

What happened last night? Don’t even ask us

No eye contact when walking through town, no fuss

Coffee and a cake, you know where this is going

The transfer fucked us over in Barcelona (are you joking)

We’d travel abroad to find the British pub, and sing karaoke ‘til the sun comes up

All that Kathryn did, well I’d never tell

Tonight we’re singing “I know him so well”

I know you so well

We watch the romantic movies, talk about how these guys don’t exist

Like Noah Centineo, even Evan Peters as the American ghost

People will search their whole lives and won’t even care who they leave behind

I’m so lucky I know in the end my real soulmate is in my best friend

Another song for your playlist, another broken bracelet

All the bottles of peroxide, to erase the mess we made on our lives

Forgetting McDonald’s breakfast, sharing a single pillow at the airport

All the memories that made us, such a goddamn work of art

And today she became a mother, and I’m so proud of her

People will search their whole lives and won’t even care who they leave behind

I’m so lucky I know in the end, my real soulmate is my best friend

#kt #poetry #excerpt from a book i'll never write #love #prose poetry #poem #poetry on tumblr #spilled writing #new poets society #sad poem #poetry corner #best friends #poems on love #poems on life #writers on tumblr #writerscafe

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